Your heart will always have a home - Part 1
by DarkxSalvation
Summary: ›› What if you recognize one day that you finally found him; your soulmate ... the person you truly love? What if you recognize one day that the only way to survive is to let her go? ‹‹
1. The Story

**The story in short  
**"Your heart will always have a home" starts at the end of Season 2 Episode 1 "The Return" after Damon has snapped Jeremy's neck in front of Elena's eyes after a loss of control. Back home he realizes what he actually has done and returns to Elena to apologize, hoping that it won't be too late ...

**The Idea  
**After I had been totally stunned by "The Return", "Brave New World" literally disappointed me (except everything Caroline related). What did Damon think after he had killed Jeremy? What does Elena think might be the reason for his behavior? Didn't she never ask herself WHY he came completely drunken to her that night? Or why her words made him lose his control from one second to another?  
Besides all these questions the main reason to start my FF was the lack of epic Delena moments in the beginning of Season 2. How often did I see a trailer for an upcoming episode and imagined how awesome the story between the two can turn out and how often had I been left disappointed because it had turned out completely different - because there had been endless kitschy Stelena scenes (No offense! :D)? . the ending of "Brave New World" ... which Delena Fan hasn't hoped that it would be Damon's hand caressing Elena's cheek so gently?  
All these facts together brought me finally to the idea that if they don't give a Delena Fan what her heart is longing for then why not change everything the way your heart wants it to be? And here it is, the way I would have loved to see Season 2 turn out. The main aspect of the FF will contain the thoughts of the different characters, mainly Damon and Elena, later a few chapters from Katherine's and Stefan's POV, in the scenes we know so well. In the beginning the scenes will pretty much stay the same as they had been in the show because "Brave New World" and "Bad Moon Rising" are very important facts-episode I can't leave out easily. Nevertheless I tried to change, improve, add things to make it more interesting - and I guess as soon as my chapters reach the end of an episode it will be crystal clear which direction I am going in ;) To sum it up: The show will be my base and I will add the thoughts of the characters as well as a huge portion of Delena to it!  
I am not a native English speaking girl so please keep that in mind while reading my FF - I know my English is not perfect and very simply but I hope that you will nevertheless enjoy my story.

**Add: **Updated version - I decided to remove the old one and work on all chapters again qua story, spelling, gramma, etc. I call it perfectionism syndrom ;)

* * *

I would have died, I would have loved you all my life ...  
I just want to stay, I just want to keep this dream in me ...  
Wake up, it's time, little girl, wake up ...  
Just remember who I am in the morning ...  
You're losing your memory now ...  
(Ryan Star - Losing Your Memory)

**Dedicated to Sabrina & Lexi – This is your Damon**


	2. Remorse (Damon)

**Remorse (Damon)**

* * *

**Apologize – One Republic **

_I'm holding on your rope  
__Got me ten feet off the ground  
And I'm hearing what you say  
But I just can't make a sound_

_I'd take another chance, take a fall_  
_Take a shot for you_  
_And I need you like a heart needs a beat_  
_But it's nothing new_

_But it's too late to apologize, it's too late_  
_I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late_  
_Too late ._

* * *

Damn, what did I do? Did I really just kill Jeremy…with Anna's blood in his system? Did I make Elena's worst nightmare come true and turn her brother into a vampire? Great work, Damon, that was really clever.

Now the only person, who probably actually cared about me in this world, even if it was just a little, hates me. I shouldn't have done that.

But…why should I even care? She loves Stefan. She will always and only, love Stefan. How could I … how did I even dare to think that she could really have feelings…for me? I was so wrong about that. So absolutely wrong. I can't believe that I seriously had the hope that she might feel more than just friendship for me.

And even if she lied, even if there was something between the two of us…even if she did have more serious feelings for me…I've destroyed it now. By losing my temper for just one moment. How could I lose control that much?

I've lost control a lot over the centuries. I can't even count how often I've ended a life in an instant just because I lost control, just because something went wrong.

But, all those times when I looked into the eyes of my prey, the eyes of a person who was just in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Who crossed ways with a heartless vampire, one who had turned off all of his emotions - guilt, compassion, sympathy - those eyes, unfamiliar to me, eyes of a stranger, meant nothing, but this time I had looked into eyes I knew. Eyes that belonged to a person who was the most important thing in the life of the woman I care so deeply about. She will never forgive me. Ever.

That sentence. Nearly a perfect copy of the words Katherine had said to me only hours before.

_ "__It was always Stefan"._

_ "__It's always gonna be Stefan"._

That sentence made me lose all of my self-control. My temper, from one second to the next, spiraled so rapidly…

It was the reason I got drunk. It was the reason I ended up in Elena's bedroom and it was the reason I killed her brother. And yet, none of this is any excuse for what I did.

Not even what Katherine did to me could compare to the pain I felt at her words. I should have known. I should have learned my lesson by now. Falling in love with the devil never ends well and falling in love with her doppelganger, well…but is love ever logical?

If it was, I would have given up hope for Katherine decades ago. I wouldn't have searched for a way to release her from the tomb for more than 145 years. I wouldn't have endured the pain, the agony of having lost her and perhaps never being able to get her back.

I wouldn't have missed her, loved her for 145 years.

After I found out that she had never been in that damn tomb and that she'd known all this time where I was and could have easily come back to me, I was devastated. I was lost.

It would have been logical to send her to hell. As she sat in my living room this evening, it would have been logical to grab a stake and drive it through her heart. Yet, I stood there and let myself be completely destroyed with only a few words out of her arrogant, selfish mouth.

I should have known from the very beginning that Katherine only wants what she can't get.

But Elena is…different. Elena is not Katherine. Elena is…No, it can't be possible that she's the same as Katherine, that all these moments we shared were a lie, an illusion, that she pretended to care.

Georgia. We had such a great day in Georgia. I had never felt happier in my life than with her at my side in that bar. Watching her drink one shot after another, getting more drunk with every glass and yet pretending to not be at all.

She was so sweet when she was drunk. And she saved my life, she saved my life although she should have let me die after all the chaos and pain I had caused to her and her friends.

Then there are all the memories of the time Stefan started to drink human blood again. I was always at her side, always there to help her. When she was standing in the rain totally desperate because she had no idea how to save Stefan, when we both imprisoned him and spent all night in front of that cellar door, and the dance…

I will never forget that dance. When she was walking down the stairs in her beautiful blue dress and I took her hand. When we were dancing and I looked into her eyes and she back into mine.

There has been something between the two of us, there still is something between us! There has to be. I couldn't stand it if she would hate me now, I couldn't live with that.

I have to fix it. Now.

From a distance, I could already see that there was still light in the house of the Gilberts. I slowed down my pace until I came to a stop in front of the front door.

How could I have been so stupid! Leaving her alone in such a moment! With her dead brother in her arms! I'm such a coward. I hadn't been able to stand the way she had looked at me anymore. When I had stood in the door way and she had fallen to the ground, tears shimmering in her eyes, the heartbreaking look she had given her brother and then the look she had given me when she had looked up into my eyes. That look had hit me to the core.

The last time I had seen this look had been when I had killed Vicky. In that moment I had stood there, on the asphalt, looking down on her kneeling in front of the dead body of a person she cared about.

I had been a heartless monster with no feelings at all, but now, as I had stood there in the door way, I had been a different person. A person who had started to let feelings in again…caring…sympathy…compassion…guilt…hurt…and when she had looked up at me, her eyes full of hatred, it had hurt me like nothing that had ever hurt me before.

Though there had been another thing I had seen in these brown eyes.

I saw betrayal.

She had believed in me. She never gave up the hope that there was something left inside of me, something human, a part that cares about other people.

And I could always see that in her eyes, her belief in me.

But in this moment with Jeremy in her arms I had literally seen how she had lost it, all of it. In one single moment, a moment I hadn't had myself under control.

I saw how she lost all the trust she had in me, all the hope that I am a lot more human than I pretend to be. Her eyes had only reflected her pure hatred and realization. She had finally realized that her trust in me hadn't been justified. That I am indeed the monster everyone believes I am.

And this truth she had suddenly seen in front of her eyes was in the form of her dead brother. Her reaction to this truth had me stumbling out of the door, turning around as fast as I could, because even though the heart of a vampire is dead, even though there is not a single sign of vitality, no heartbeat, it had ached so much that it had overwhelmed me.

A dead heart isn't supposed to ache, it isn't supposed to break into pieces, it isn't supposed to feel and yet there I had stood with a pain that had made me drop to my knees in front of her house as soon as the door had closed behind me.

This feeling had been worse than everything I had ever felt before. In that moment a stake through my heart would have been the less painful option, and in that moment I had wished for one.

And, now? What now? Shall I knock and say "Sorry that I killed your brother, Elena but I lost my temper?"

Should I really try to explain it to her? Hope that she will listen? Should I apologize and hope that she forgives me? Because she won't. She won't listen, she won't forgive me. She will probably never forgive me.

But, nevertheless, I have to try. Try to make her listen, try to make her understand or at least try to be there for her as I have been so many times before.

I looked up to her bedroom window. I could see a shimmer of light falling through her window on to the huge tree in front of it. A ray of light…and hope?

A moment later the sound of unfolding wings broke through the silence and they lifted me up until I reached the branch in front of her window. Through the window I could see that Elena was still kneeling on the ground, her arms enfolded around Jeremy's dead body.

The wet tracks on her cheeks were still visible. I felt a jolt in my heart seeing her like this. Stefan was standing beside her and I could hear his voice as though the glass of the window was none existent as he started speaking.

"He saw the ring that's why he did it."

My heart started to beat faster. My thoughts began to race. What ring? Could it be possible..?

No…no way…could I be so lucky that...? John had left town this afternoon but all I had gotten to know of him is the fact that he is an arrogant asshole who only cares about himself. Why should he give the ring, which protects him from everything supernatural, to his nephew? Maybe he cared more than I thought.

"He didn't see the ring. " Elena. Just hearing her voice made me shiver. Her tone was still the same. Cold, distanced.

"It's Katherine. She got under his skin. She undid everything that was good about him."

"There is nothing good about him, Stefan, not anymore. He's decided what he wants. He doesn't want to feel. He wants to be hated. It's just easier that way. He got his wish. I hate him Stefan."

My body had started to shiver more and more with every word she said but now I froze.

"I hate him."

It's not the words, no, it's not the words. It's the meaning behind them that makes me think that this must all be a damn nightmare. I feel like I have to wake up immediately. That when I wake up I'll be the old Damon again, having fun teasing Stefan for his "I prefer rabbits instead of girls".

I'll be going to the Gilbert's, Elena opening the door, looking at me with a smile on her face. Teasing each other as always, but never being too serious.

It was the certainty that she will never ever forgive me again, that nothing, absolutely nothing, will ever fix what I did to her. That she will hate me. Forever.

It was the damn certainty behind those three little words, three words, the complete opposite of the "I love you" that I longed to hear. I knew that I would never hear the three words I wanted to hear from her. Those words being said to me and only me. I knew deep down when I left her this evening that she would hate me for what I did, and yet being confronted with the truth and nothing but the truth, hurt.

A single tear ran down the bird's eye … my eye, sinking into the black feathers as the gasp of Jeremy returning to life broke the silence.

As I spread out my dark wings they merged with the darkness outside. It was fathomless, starless, cold.

Like a giant black hole, a huge nothingness. It was a mirror of my soul … A darkness which has lost its light.


	3. Hatred (Elena)

**Hatred (Elena)**

It was past midnight and I was lying in my bed, turning around from one side to another.  
Stefan had left hours ago and Jeremy was sleeping in his bedroom.

The thoughts didn't want to stop. Again and again I relived the moments of this evening. This evening which changed so much, changed everything. And yet … did it really change everything? Or did it just show me something, a truth, I simply didn't want to admit to myself. And now I am ready to do so?

I had been so relieved when Jeremy had started to breathe again, when he had come back to life. And I had been even more relieved when Stefan had told me that he is still human and not a vampire.

How should I have dealt with it? How should he have dealt with it? I never ever wanted such a life for my brother. The life of being bound to constant bloodlust …

I had talked to Stefan about what had happened for a long while. Yet, I hadn't told him everything.  
I had left out Damon's words. The words which had been the beginning of everything. And the end.

_"__There is something going on between the two of us."_

I hadn't told Stefan because I wouldn't have been able to be honest if he would have asked that one question. The question if there is more between him and me, between me and Damon.

I hate him. I hate Damon more than anything … now.  
But is it so easy to replace these other feelings? These weird feelings I have whenever it comes to him? These feelings of … being a different person, not myself and yet … free ... unbound … alive?

When he had taken my face into his hands and kissed me … I had been so surprised. My mind had told me to stop this immediately, to slab his hands away, to end this kiss. But my heart, my heart had wanted something totally different. It had felt the feeling of being … alive again. And it had wanted more. But my mind had won.

I had pushed him away. I had told him that it will always going to be Stefan for me.  
But in this moment, there had been something more, something that had surprised me even more than his kiss or my reaction.

I had seen such an incredible pain in his eyes. As if someone had just stabbed him with a wooden stake straight into his vampire heart.

I hadn't gotten it. And I hadn't had the time to think about it. The next events had happened so fast. Too fast.

The pain in his eyes had been replaced by fury within seconds. And my brother had only said a couple of words when he had been pushed against a wall, caught in an unbreakable grip around his neck.

I hadn't felt anything but unbelievable fear. It had been the fear which had let my throat felt like constricted, which had let my blood rushing through my ears been the only audible sound. And a knowledge, a knowledge I have about this man who had stood there in front of my brother.

That he is unpredictable, that he doesn't care about anything or anyone, that he is … a murder. And a moment later he had become the murder of my brother as he had slid down to the ground with a broken neck …

What did this evening show me that I didn't want to admit to myself? That there is indeed something going on between Damon and me? That he makes me feel in a way I have never and maybe will never feel with Stefan? Maybe … but does it still matter? No, not at all …

But it matters that this man was willing to take the risk to turn my brother into a monster just like him, into a vampire. Taking away his choice. Deciding about his life. Not thinking a single moment about what this might mean to Jeremy, what this might mean to me.

I trusted him. I trusted him with my life. After all we have been through.

They all warned me. They all told me not to trust him. Not to believe that there is something left inside him that is good, that cares … about another person than himself. Not to believe that he can change. Not to believe that deep down inside he is a different person.

But I did … I did believe all this. And now I got the revenge.  
They were right. All of them … Stefan, Caroline, Bonnie, Matt, my brother.

And probably the worst thing in the end is that he didn't take it out on me. He took it out on my brother, an innocent person who had nothing to do with all of it, nothing to do with all this crap.

Just because I was too blind to see the truth, a truth this evening showed me, a truth I didn't want to admit to myself.

But now there is no reason anymore to believe otherwise, no proof, no hope. Because I was betrayed and hurt like never before.

What he did to me is unforgivable. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that will ever fix this.

I hate him. I hate him with all my heart.  
That is all what he gets and all what he deserves.

Because he wants to be hated. He wants to be alone.

He is a monster. A monster condemned to stay in the darkness … alone … forever.


	4. Confusion (Stefan)

**Confusion (Stefan)**

When I was sure that Jeremy and Elena were alright, I left the Gilberts. I could have been at the Salvatore mansion within minutes but I decided to walk the whole way in human speed. I had to think about a lot of things.

I don't get it. Why the hell did Damon kill Jeremy? I know that he can be very impulsive sometimes but he would never do something to hurt Elena! Normally.

I think I'm right. It must be Katherine. There is nobody else who can drive Damon madder than this bitch! But what did she do? What are her plans? And why the hell is she back in Mystic Falls? It frightens me to know that she is around, especially when I don't know what she is up to.

If she would have wanted to kill Elena she would have had her chance. So it must be something different … different from causing Damon to explode and doing something very stupid.

She did this for fun. Damon was never more than a toy for her. A toy she can play and have fun with when she wants to and throw into the next corner when she got tired of it. And I'm pretty sure it's the same for me. She never loved one of us. She used us all the time. And I hate her for that. I hate her more than every other person on earth. The problem is that Damon doesn't feel this way. He can tell me what he wants, he still loves her. And that makes him a pretty easy victim for Katherine.

But when had it ever been useful to think about Katherine's plans all night? Damon was right when he said that she loves to play games and that we don't get to know her plans until she wants us to.

A thing that doesn't want to get off of my mind is what had happened between Elena and Damon before he killed Jeremy. Damon wouldn't just come to the Gilberts to kill Jeremy. It must have been like always. There must have been something that had really driven him mad and he had just exploded – and killed Jeremy without thinking.

But why had he visited Elena? What had he wanted? And what had she said that had made him react like this? I know that Elena had kept something from me. That there had been more to the whole story than she had admitted.

The relationship between her and my brother had caused me already many sleepless nights and I don't think it will be different this time.

I had seen his face today when she had said "He didn't kiss me, he kissed Katherine, I wouldn't do that." He had been disappointed. Really disappointed. And the fact is that even if Elena hadn't kissed him, HE had kissed her, or at least he had believed he had kissed her.

When Isobel had told Elena that Damon is in love with her and I had looked at Damon, I had clearly been able to see in his face that she had been right. Even if he doesn't want to admit it, he cares about her. Maybe he even loves her.

But I won't let the story repeat itself … Even if Elena is not Katherine.


	5. This is all your fault (Stefan)

**This is all your fault (Stefan)**

When I entered the Salvatore mansion I could hear the sound of breaking glass against the wall.

I entered the living room and froze. Damon was staring into the fire of the chimney then he collapsed onto the couch and buried his face in his hands.

I quietly called his name and I thought he didn't hear me when he suddenly lifted his head.

I haven't seen him like this for centuries. He looked … broken.

His expression brought memories back; I had preferred to shut out for years. The last time I had seen him like this had been the night my father had caught Katherine to burn her in the church.

_As if it had been yesterday, I ran through the forest to find my brother._

_I finally found him on a felled tree branch and when I looked into his face I was shocked. His hair was sticking to his forehead and the blood at his temple from the fight with our father shone dark red as a huge contrast to his pale white he saw me he drew his knife, ready to attack me, a wild expression on his face. It reflected pure anger._

_I had trusted father and I had given him hints about Katherine's real origin. I had betrayed her. And even worse, I had betrayed my brother. I had promised him not to tell anyone. But I had. As naïve as I was I had believed father would accept that Katherine was a vampire. That he would be happy to see me married to such a beautiful and smart woman. _

_I had been so stupid. With this move I had hurt my brother deeply and lost all the trust he had in me. All that I saw reflected in his eyes in this one moment when he stood there with his knife in his hands ready to kill me. _

_With a voice full of anger he told me that he didn't know why Katherine trusted me with her secret, why she didn't believe I would be on father's side and hand her over to Sherriff Forbes – and why she loved me. With these last words his voice broke, all anger disappeared and he collapsed onto the tree, burying his face in his hands. _

_In this moment I understood that I had never really loved Katherine, that she had compelled me to lover her but that it had been different with Damon. That he really loved her, that he didn't care about her origin and that he would give his life to save her._

_And when he looked up to me I saw tears in his eyes …  
_  
It was as if it would be 1864 again when he looked up to me in this moment at the Salvatore mansion. I thought I would see tears in his eyes but I wasn't sure because his face immediately changed from despair and sadness to deep anger.

"What do you want?" Damon said in an aggressive voice that let me shiver.

"I … I wanted to check if you are alright. I …."

"Why the hell does it bother you? It didn't bother you how I felt for centuries so please do me the favor and stay out of my life!"

"I'm still your brother, Damon … and I want an answer!"

"To what?"

"Why you killed Elena's brother perhaps?"

"Ha, why don't you ask her?"

"Because she doesn't know the reason! And actually she didn't care!"

I thought, I saw his face become a little bit whiter than it already was. He didn't reply. Damon speechless. What the hell happened tonight between him and Elena?

"I mean she had more serious things on her mind! For example a death brother in her arms …"

"But he still had Anna's blood in his system he wouldn't have been …."

"Wouldn't have been what? Dead? And what do you think we are? Alive? We are dead, Damon!"

"We are vampires my dear brother and that is something totally different", Damon hissed. "Only because you decided to suffer for every single person you hurt! You probably even feel remorse for killing your little rabbits!"

"Damn, shut up, Damon! Do you hear yourself? You know how much Elena loves her brother! She never wanted him to be a vampire, to live the life we do!"

"And what is so bad about it?"

"You don't want get it. You are just as arrogant as always. You never really cared about Elena. All that matters to you is yourself. I was wrong thinking she would mean something to you … that you won't hurt her… maybe you really even killed Jeremy for fun. She was so right when she said she hates you!"

Damon didn't reply to this – but I should feel only seconds later what he thought.

With all his vampire strength he pushed me against the wall. I felt a sharp pain in my back and the wall crumbling behind me. Damon's face was only inches away from mine.

In this moment I feared him more than I ever had in my life. I knew that he was stronger than me and I knew that I went too far. He will kill me, probably my own brother will kill me now, I thought while his hands pressed my shoulders with unbelievable strength against the wall.

His normally deep blue eyes had turned totally dark, reflecting pure hatred. But for a second time this night I suddenly saw them change. For a moment I could make out a deep sadness in the darkness of his eyes.

"This – is – all – your – fault!" Damon hissed angrily.

Then he abruptly let go of me and I slowly slid down the wall, shaking. Damon turned, grabbed his Whiskey glass and left the room. When he passed the entrance I thought I heard him say "Yes, she is right."

* * *

Hours later I was sitting at my desk a pen in my hand and my diary open in front of me.

_I don't know how long I had sat there on the ground in the living room. I had been unable to move._

_Damon's sentence hadn't wanted to get out of my mind: This is all your fault … _

_A sentence I had already heard a long time ago … when they had imprisoned Katherine in the wagon to take her to the church - to burn her and all other vampires. _

_But nevertheless, this time it was different. I have never seen him so angry and so sad at the same time before … I know it had been my fault that Katherine had gotten caught in 1864 … and I still hate myself for that. But why did he repeat it now? Why shall it be my fault that Elena hates him? That doesn't make sense. _

_HE is responsible for what he did. He killed Jeremy, it was his own decision. _

_But why the hell did he say it then? I know that Damon doesn't feel remorse …or doesn't want to feel remorse but he would never say it's my fault only to have someone else to blame … especially not when he is in such a condition. Which makes it even more confusing._

_And then the last sentence … "Yes, she is right" …From his reaction to my accusations and these last words I would really believe he regrets what he did more than anything else on earth …_


	6. No D-Word (Elena)

**No D-Word (Elena)**

The next day, I was on my way to the market place to do my part for the Mystic Falls Carnival.

A Carnival! What irony. Yesterday I found out that Katherine is back in town, pretends to be me and hence is a threat to all the people I care about. And if that's not enough my ex-vampire-friend decides to tell me totally drunk that there might be something between the two of us, forces me to kiss him and from one second to another that it might be fun to snap my brother's neck!

And I should pretend to have fun and being a normal high school girl now? Hoping that Stefan will shoot a teddy bear for me and then take me to the Ferris wheel to kiss me on top? Hmm … actually this idea sounds somehow kind of fascinating to me. So … normal.

Lost in my thoughts I didn't hear Bonnie arrive.

"Earth to Elena!?"

"Bonnie! Hey! I'm sorry I was lost in my thoughts."

"Must have been interesting thoughts. You seemed so … determined."

"Oooh yes I am! Today I won't be the girlfriend of a vampire with tons of vampire problems. I will just be Elena. Ex-cheerleader and high school student. A normal girl like everyone else here."

"Aha. And how has that happened? This decision?"

I didn't know what to answer to that. How should I explain all the chaos that happened yesterday? My face expression must have shown everything and Bonnie wouldn't be my best friend if she wouldn't have recognized it immediately.

"Okay, I know that expression. You only look like this when something really terrible happened."

"Oh, Bonnie … I don't know where I should start …"

"From the beginning perhaps?"

"Okay, I will tell you everything while we work", I said with a smile returning to my face.

"Good idea. We have to make Caroline proud otherwise she will kill us", Bonnie said laughing.

* * *

An hour later I found Stefan and Jeremy at the lockers.

"Hey you two! Jeremy could you please …"

"Yeah sure, I set up the goldfish toss. It's gonna be epic. Already on my way, slave driver Elena", Jeremy said ironically and then left.

With a deep sigh I leaned against a locker.

"He's gonna be alright. Give him some time to understand all that has happened", Stefan tried to calm me.

"I was just hoping that this carnival would help him becoming a normal high school student again who doesn't know about all the evil that is outside there."

"Oh, okay, that's what we are doing here?"

"Exactly. Today we will only be boring high school students who live in a normal world where no "V" word exists."

"Okay, got it."

"And then later you will shoot a teddy bear for me and take me to the Ferris wheel. We will ride to the very top and then you will kiss me and my heart will flutter like a normal high school girl. No drama, no killings, no death."

"Ah okay, I see. I … I like it. But I have a quick question. Uhm … what are we going to do with Damon?"

"Ahhh! No "D" word today okay? I don't wanna hear, see nor talk to him okay?"

"Yeah … the problem is that with Katherine being back in town and all the things that happened yesterday he … ah … is kind of a time bomb. Sooner or later he will explode... and I absolutely don't know what he is going to do then", Stefan noted carefully.

"Ugh, when is he not unpredictable? We have to live with that and the best thing we can do today is let him live his messed up life and we will just have fun today okay?"

"Okay, decided."


	7. I definitely need Whisky (Damon)

**I definitely need another glass of Whisky (Damon)**

When I woke up the next morning my head was pounding like hell. What the fuck? Since when can get vampires a hangover after a really necessary alcohol excess? I mean not that I hurt Elena in a way that she will never forgive me; I nearly killed my brother, too. Definitely too much death around me.

Gosh, what the hell have I been I thinking? I hate Stefan, I really do. Not only that Elena prefers him and Katherine did exactly the same but killing him for the fault of these two women? And it is actually not their fault. They simply don't have a good taste. There were only two women in my life I really care about and both chose my brother!

And then his stupid question "Why did you kill Jeremy?!" Oh, I killed him because I was bored, because it was fun, Stefan! I wanted so badly to see Elena with tears in her eyes, bent over her dead brother and see pure hatred for me in her eyes! Made my whole fuckin' day!

I really should stop drinking. Maybe even 10 bottles of my best Bourbon are too much for a vampire's body. This truth really sucks.

I dressed myself quickly and went to the living room - I need a glass of whiskey.

* * *

I was just about to pour some tasty Bourbon from the last bottle left into a glass when Stefan entered the room.

"You want some, too?"

"Don't you think you should stop drinking? I mean I don't know if vampires can become alcoholics but when I look around the room and remember your very smart actions yesterday I would say it is possible and you better stay sober so we won't have a déjà-vue today."

"Haha, you are so funny, Stefan", I said with most sarcasm possible. "I like this. You walking around me on eggshells because you think I'm gonna explode. It's very suspenseful. Is Elena worried, too? I bet I'm your every conversation", I said laughing.

"Actually, yes, we talked about you…"

I looked at him in surprise. This was supposed to be a joke. Why should Elena talk with Stefan about me? I thought she will never ever take my name into her mouth.

"And she said that she is worried. She is worried that she will immediately drive a stake through your heart when she sees you again – no matter where that will be. She doesn't want to hear, see nor talk to you. And that is a quote", Stefan answered in a sharp tone.

It needed all my self-control not to explode, not to throw him into the next wall. But what would that change? Only that I would ruin another wall in this mansion and have to clean it up! So I just decided to change the topic as fast as possible.

"I think the Lockwoods have a family secret. I mean the Gilbert device affected Major Lockwood but the vervain didn't. Conclusion – he wasn't a vampire. But what the hell was he then?"

"Have you heard from Katherine?"

Okay, my little brother decided to play the same game. But this topic wasn't much better. I didn't want to think about that bitch. Stefan must have recognized my tormented look when he used the name "Katherine". He couldn't hide a damn smile which said "I hit the nail on the head with this topic".

"And this Mason Lockwood. I don't like this guy … there is something mysterious about him."

"Is this your new obsession?"

" Okay, if you are not interested in some unknown supernatural element running around in our town, fine. I'll drop it."

"We haven't seen the last of Katherine. You do know that, right? We don't know why she came back to Mystic Falls, we don't know what she is up to and she was invited in the Gilbert's house means she is a constant threat to Elena and her family."

"Sure, we do. She came back to tell you that she will love you forever and always, no matter what happened and Elena doesn't want to hear, see nor talk to me - you said yourself. And she is YOUR girlfriend. So I let you deal with the little Miss Katherine. I have more important things to do – like explode."

With that I left the living room and a head-shaking Stefan behind.

* * *

I decided to go to Mystic Falls Carnival to check on that Mason.  
I bet if Tyler is there - and which high school student would miss the Carnival with the best opportunity to steal a kiss from a girl on the top of the Ferris wheel, ugh how romantic – Mason can't be far away.

When I arrived at the market place I saw Jeremy buying some popcorn.  
Hmm … let's see if he hates me like his older sister.

"Jer! So good to see you alive!"

"What do you want, bloodsucker?"

"Hey, no need to be rude. I just wanted to know if you are alright," I said in my best ironic tone.

"Well that didn't interest you yesterday evening."

"It's not my fault. You said you wanted to be a vampire and tada within seconds your dream could have come true. But you decided to wear this big ugly ring you somehow got from Jonathan Gilbert in a moment of sentimentality."

"But it would be nice if you ask me before you just grip my neck and snap it!"

"Oh Pardon. I forgot about this tiny little detail."

"Listen, Damon. I don't know what game you are playing and hell I don't know what went wrong yesterday between you and Elena but leave me alone! And STAY – OUT – OF – ELENA'S – LIFE! Or do you want that I tell some people here what you really are?" Jeremy hissed.

"Is that a threat?" I said grinning.

"Hmm just take it as a warning."

I was sick of everyone telling me I should stay away from Elena and gosh I was furious about Jeremy thinking he is immortal now! This boy needs an instruction. I gripped him at his shoulder and put my arm around his neck.

"Listen, Gilbert, you know NOTHING about the supernatural world! You don't wanna know how easy it really is to pull this damn ring off your finger and kill you within seconds. You wouldn't be able to even aspirate a sound!"

With these words I had pulled off the ring from his finger and when I pushed him away I held it up. From Jeremy's surprised expression I could make out that he hasn't recognized that it was gone.

"And now you listen, it would be the easiest thing in the world to kill you now but it wouldn't help the situation. Your sister already hates me to death so if I would repeat my actions from yesterday she will immediately run towards me with a stake held up high in her hand and I really like being a non-living living person. So this is your luck now. But don't you dare to ever offend me again."

With these words I threw the ring in front of his feet and turned around. Damn, I came here to find out more about the Lockwoods and not to discuss my complicated situation with Elena's little brother.

* * *

Finally I found at least Tyler surrounded by a group of people doing arm wrestling with some other jerk from high school. Schould be interesting to see if he wins. If he has supernatural powers his strength might be more than average.

"So you came to the Carnival to go after your new hobby?" Stefan said approaching.

"Exactly, Stefan. One of us needs to check on the Lockwoods or do you want to find Elena dead in her bed one day?"

"So you still think the Lockwoods have some supernatural power?"

"Hmm well look at Tyler. This is the 5th student in a row he beats and he doesn't look like he puts much effort into it."

"He is a football player, Damon. He needs to have strength in his arms."

"Then let's see how good he is when he has to fight against his uncle," I answered when Mason entered the circle. You could see that Tyler needed to put much more effort into the game now and in the end his uncle beat him with ease.

"So here's the champ. Who wants to go next?" Tyler asked.

"Yeah, here Stefan wants to give it a try." I said.

With a grin on my face I watched Stefan taking in the fighting position in front of Mason. It looked like an equal game but in the end Mason really beat Stefan. I shook my head. What a humiliation Stefan is for all vampires on earth.

"You put in any effort at all", I said angrily.

"Yeah, actually, I did!"

"What? But what the hell… so he is a …?"

"No, no, no, it wasn't that kind of strength but it wasn't human either."

"Great, so now we have to deal with a super-strong Lockwood family? As if we don't have enough problems! What the hell are they?"

"Uhhmm maybe they are Ninja turtles? Zombies? Or better werewolves?"

"You are not funny, Stefan!" With that I turned around and spotted a man standing in the corner busy with some repairs.

"Let's see if we can't force the Lockwoods to tell us what they really are so I don't have to listen to your idiotic ideas anymore."

"Damon, what are you up to?"

"You will see little brother." With that I walked towards the man.

* * *

After I prepared the inevitable fight I walked through the school corridors. While waiting for the man to fulfill his mission I could as well have some fun here. I turned around when I heard some high heels clatter behind me. Hmm this might be the perfect amusement while I have to wait. I was surprised when I saw Caroline standing in the entrance.

"Hey Blondie, I see you are doing better?" I said smirking.

"I remember."

I just looked at her, a huge question mark all over my face.

"I remember everything. How you pushed me around, abused me, fed on me, manipulated me and erased my memories."

"Honey, this is impossible. You can't remember. Unless you are becoming a …."

The words came out of my mouth slower and slower when I started to realize what she was talking about. She must be kidding me! She can't become a vampire! How ….

"I have a message. From Katherine. She said "Game On.""

With that Caroline turned around and wanted to leave.

Katherine! This bitch! I should have known it!

"Wait, Car."

She turned around again but the expression on her face didn't let me expect a nice chatty talk. With all her new strength she pushed me through the corridor. With a "You suck" she left me lying on the floor.

Great, as if I don't have a more than furious Elena against me and some supernatural uncle from Florida running around – now I have a vampire ex-girlfriend despising me, too. Wonderful. The day can't get better. Where is my glass of Whiskey?


	8. To kill or not to kill Blondie (Damon)

**To kill or not to kill Blondie, that's the question (Damon)**

As much as I was afraid to face Elena I had to talk to her about this new situation. I think she would prefer to talk to me than end up finding out she became a delicious meal for her best friend.

I finally found her at a table unpacking stuffed animals.

"Elena, I …"

"What do you want Damon? Wasn't Stefan clear enough that I never want to hear, see nor talk to you again?" she hissed.

"Yeah, I got that but…"

"There is no but! Leave me alone! Forever, okay?"

"But I need you to come with me. It is urgent."

"Whatever it is, I'm not interested!"

Slowly I became really angry. Why the hell do I try so hard? I should just let her run into Caroline and hope she will bury her fangs into Elena's soft skin! And I know that of course I would never let Car do that. I would never let anybody hurt Elena. I'm such an idiot. But okay, if she doesn't want to come with me voluntary, I have to force her. I gripped her hand and dragged her behind me.

"Damon, let me go. IMMEDIATELY!" she yelled. "I don't want go one step away from here with you!"

"No? You won't? Not even if your best friend runs around here not able to control her new powers nor her blood thirst?" I screamed back.

"What? What did you say? Bonnie…"

"No, not Bonnie. Caroline."

Elena didn't repeat anything to that but I didn't have to force her to come with me anymore either.

* * *

Minutes later we entered an empty classroom. Stefan was already waiting for us.

"I have bad news", he said.

"Let's see if they are worse than mine", I replied.

Stefan looked at the two of us in astonishment.

"Well, I just met Blondie."

"Caroline? She has already been released from hospital?"

"Yeah and she feels a lot better. Too good for my taste."

Stefan only looked more confused and Elena hissed a "C'mon, Damon, we don't have time for jokes."

"Yeah uhm … she is a vampire."

"A vampire?" Stefan screamed. "How did that happen?"

"Well, I fed her my blood and then there is this nasty little bitch called Katherine running around here…"

"You mean she did it?" Elena asked.

"Before Caroline threw me to through the whole corridor she said Katherine gave her a message for us: Game On."

"Game On? What does that mean?" Stefan wondered.

"It's Katherine. She loves to play games. I bet this is her way to say "Do what I want you to do otherwise I will turn this town into a total chaos".

"But why Caroline?"

"Yeah that's the problem with Katherine. You don't know what she is up to and why until it is too late."

"We have to find Caroline. She can't control her powers and especially not her need for blood. And when she is around all these people she will sooner or later loose her control." Stefan suggested.

"Yap, and then we need to kill her."

"You can't kill Caroline, Damon!" Elena screamed.

"And what do you want do instead? Elena, she knows who we are, she can't control herself. She brings all of us in huge danger. Or do I have to remind you about the tragic ending of a girl named Vicky Donovan?"

"No, Damon. This is not an option. Definitely not. I won't watch you killing one of my best friends."

"And what if she attacks Jeremy? Or Jenna? Or Bonnie?"

"Okay, okay, let us find her first then we will see how we go on. But that is not the only problem we have. You missed the little fight you provoked by compelling that guy, Damon."

"Damn it! Blondie, I will kill you!" Elena only punished me with a hateful look.

"Damon! Shut up! You were right. When the guy provoked Tyler he couldn't stop himself and started a fight – until Mason appeared. And well it is nearly impossible to describe what I saw. His movements were like the ones of an animal – fast and precise and when he jumped over that car I could see his eyes. They were kind of yellow."

"Great. That sounds very promising! With which of the 1000 problems do we start? Killing Caroline or killing Mason?"

"We won't kill her, Damon. My last word." And with that Stefan left the classroom followed by Elena.


	9. A supernatural uncle, a manip (Damon)

**A supernatural uncle, a manipulative bitch, a neurotic Barbie and a furious witch (Damon)**

Great! We have a supernatural mystery uncle with yellow gleaming eyes in Mystic Falls! Add to that a manipulative nasty little bitch called Katherine and the neurotic Barbie Slash Vampire who's totally new in the bloodsucker-business and has no control at all and we have the perfect chaos! Do I not have enough problems?

And exactly at this time Stefan decides to play the moralizer and wants to save little Blondie from the brutal truth – a stake through her little dead heart. Awesome. I can't wish for more.

He doesn't see what this will lead to! In the end we have to leave Mystic Falls because Blondie murdered half of the town and I have to live with a heartbroken Stefan for all eternity because he took the risk! And then he will feel guilty for all the dead people and when Elena will be under them I can directly drive a stake through his heart – and mine probably, too.

No, no, no back to the important logical things like "How we gonna kill Blondie without Stefan and Elena recognizing it". Well and probably our little "I'm the best witch on earth" – if a single look would be able to kill I would have been more than dead by now for already a 100 times.

Suddenly two things happened at the same time. 1) I saw a nice stake with which a tent was stick to the ground and which looked as if it was personally made for Caroline's heart and 2) I smelled blood. A lot of blood.

I followed the track and who did I found with a dead body beside her, her whole face covered with blood? Right, Blondie! Hmm … actually I thought this would be more fun, more difficult. Somehow she makes it a bit too easy for me to kill her.

"Hey, Blondie, what happened?"

"There was this man and he had hurt himself and there was all this blood and this terrible tasty smell", Caroline said in tears. "I didn't want to kill him. I just wanted a taste but I couldn't stop and now he is dead. I'm a monster", she went on sobbing.

"Hey it's okay, it's okay." I tried to calm her, gently striking her blood-smeared hair out of her face. "I can help you."

"Really?" She looked at me hopefully.

"Hmhm. I said with a slight grin on my face.

"What are you going to do?" My face must have shown her that it won't end too good for her because now her voice was full of fear.

"The only thing I can do, hunnie. I will kill you", I answered, demonstratively placing the stake right beside her.

"No, please, don't do that. I don't want to die!" she said in despair.

"But you are already dead."

"No! No, don't say that! I just want you to help me! Make this pain stop! I don't want to feel this need I have when I smell blood anymore! Help me, please, please!"

"Shhh it's okay, everything is alright."

I gently hugged her, the stake in my hand ready to stab her every moment. Not the nicest way from the backside but I had no other choice. And I m not Stefan who thinks of the most beautiful and painless way for his victims to die!

I was just about to lift my arm when the stake was pushed out of my hand. Stefan. Gosh, this man gets on my nerves!

"Go away from me! You killed me!" Caroline screamed in tears.

"No, Caroline, no that wasn't me. That was Katherine." Elena tried to calm her.

"But why do you look like her? And why did she do that to me? I did nothing wrong!"

"Stefan, we need to get her inside."

"It's alright, Caroline, come on let's go, I will help you", Stefan said about to take her inside.

"She will die, Stefan! It is only a matter of time! Just look what she did today. We can be happy that this wasn't her boyfriend – what was his name? – or our little witch!" I said with, the last words with a glance to Elena.

"You might be right, but this is definitely not going to happen tonight." Stefan replied.

"And who says that?" I answered, picking the stake up from the ground in vampire-speed and rushing over to Caroline within seconds.

The whole scene ended with me suddenly standing in front of Elena who was protecting Caroline and a stake in my uplifted hand only inches away from her face.

She looked directly into my eyes, breathing heavily.

"Damon, she is my friend."

I could see the despair in her eyes as well as the certainty that I would have to kill her to get to kill Caroline. And there was something else I saw. Something I saw before, just yesterday. It was a mixture of hatred and despite. She looked at me with exactly the same expression with which she looked at me after I had snapped Jeremy's neck.

And that was the moment I knew I couldn't kill Caroline. Not today and maybe even never. I looked at Caroline, saw her teary eyes, blood and make –up strayed all over her face. She was Elena's friend. Elena cared about her. And I couldn't take her away from her. Dangerous vampire or not.

"Whatever happens, it's on you" I said, lowering my hand with the stake in it.

Elena still looked at me with this expression I couldn't stand any longer. When I was about to turn around and leave I saw Bonnie approaching. Can this day end please! Who else wants to join this silly scene? Oh what about Uncle-Lockwood or perhaps Liz? Then she can directly take over my job and kill her own daughter!

"Caroline? You … you can't be …" Bonnie said in disbelief. She ran towards her, gripped her arm and the disbelief became even more significant.

"Bonnie … I …", Caroline started but Bonnie didn't listen. She turned around in disgust, hanging onto the parked truck in the background.

While Stefan and Caroline left, Elena tried to calm Bonnie. Okay this was definitely too much drama for me. And because everyone was busy calming somebody I took over the part to clean up the mess Caroline made.

"C'mon guys, we have a body to burry. When someone sees us with him we really have a problem. You can mourn later. Poor guy, Blondie really did a good job."

From one moment to another I felt a sharp pain running through my head. And this pain had already become very familiar to me. This damn witch! Gosh, no sense of humor at all – she would be the perfect woman for Stefan.

"I told you, if anyone else gets hurt you will pay for it, Damon."

The pain in my head got stronger and stronger and I collapsed to the ground. "I didn't do this!" I tried to protect myself with my last strength.

"Bonnie! Stop it! He didn't do it! That was Katherine, not him!"

"You protect him? After all he did to you? He tried to kill Jeremy!"

"But you can't punish him for something he didn't do, Bonnie!"

"Something he didn't do? Elena, don't you see? It is all his fault! He came to this town only to bring death over it! If he wouldn't be, Katherine wouldn't have come back to this town and Caroline would still be human – and not this monster with blood all over her face!"

"Bonnie, please …."

"No, Elena. He has to pay for it. Now!"

With these words she opened a faucet with her mind control and water was running over the ground to the place I was winding myself on the ground, unable to move. I knew what she was up to. I knew what she was capable of. And I was sure she would kill me. Within seconds the water caught fire and the flames were running towards me, setting my entire clothes on fire.

I couldn't say what was worse. The pain which let my head burst or feeling the fire slashing its way through my clothes and putting my entire skin on fire. It felt as if I would expose myself to the sunlight without my ring – only 100 times worse. I knew she wouldn't stop. And I couldn't convince her. I wasn't even able to talk. It was already a huge effort not to faint.

My whole life was in the hands of one person. And this person hated me to death. I tried to turn my head to face Elena. She was standing on the other side of the flames and a mixture of orange and red shadows shone in her eyes. Eyes that looked back into mine. I saw her inner conflict reflected on her face – she was torn. Should she save the man who killed so many people? Who tried to kill her brother? And who wanted to stab her best friend just minutes ago? A man she hated to death? There was no reason for her to let me live. Her life would be a lot easier without me. A lot less dangerous and painful. And nevertheless she hesitated. For seconds she was staring into my eyes. Eyes full of pain, begging her to make it stop.

Suddenly she was jumping over the flames, gripped Bonnie by her shoulders and shook her.

"Bonnie, stop it! Immediately! Do you really want to be like him? A murderer? This is not you! Please, please, Bonnie … stop it …."

Her last words became a whisper but the flames diminished until they had gone out completely.

Bonnie starred at Elena, her eyes full of anger.

"Why did you stop me?" she whispered.

"Because I don't want you to regret this your whole life."

"I will never regret being the murderer of him" she shouted and pointed towards me.

"Oh yes, you would."

"No, never." She hissed and turned around.

"Bonnie, please let us talk about it!"

"I don't want to talk. If you want him to stay alive, I have to leave."

With these words she walked away.

For a long moment there was only silence. I was still lying on the ground, unable to move. Slowly Elena turned around and faced me.

"Are you alright?" She asked with distant voice.

I nodded.

"Thank you. I … I didn't expect you to …", I began.

"I don't want hear it. I didn't do it for you." Her expression was ice-cold.

I opened my mouth to say something else but I was incapable to say even one word. I turned my face away because I couldn't stand to look into her cold hateful eyes anymore. The last thing I heard were her steps on the pavement slowly dying down. And then there was only darkness left.


	10. Are there grey zones (Damon)

**Are there grey zones or is there only black and white? (Damon)**

I don't know how long I laid there on the ground but somehow I managed to stand up, bury the dead man in the forest and made me on my way back home.

When I entered the mansion I heard a noise coming from the living room. "Please don't let Elena be here with Stefan" was the first thing that came to my mind.

I slowly walked through the entrance and who I saw there sitting on a chair left me speechless.

"Jeremy? What are you doing here? It is already late. Shouldn't little kids be in bed already at this time?" I said while gripping my glace of Whiskey. Ah, my beloved Bourbon, just what I need right now.

"I wouldn't drink that."

I only looked at him with a puzzled expression on my face.

"I … I laced it with vervain."

I smelled at the glass. He didn't only put a bit vervain into it. Angrily I placed the glass back on the table and turned towards Jeremy.

"And why would you do that?"

"To kill you with this afterwards", he replied and threw a stake in front of my feet.

"You came here to kill me?"

"It's only fair. You killed me first."

"So tell me, why did you stop me from drinking then?" I said while sitting down on the couch.

"My father hated vampires. And so does my uncle. They are absolute. There is no grey zone. Only black and white. I thought, I had to do the same. To choose a side. But killing you, what would that change in the end?"

"Uh, I'm so thankful that you came to that thought", I said in my usual ironic voice.

Jeremy only looked at me angrily for a moment, jumped up and was about to leave.

"Jer, wait." I didn't know why I stopped him from leaving. Actually I should be happy about that but his words … they reminded me so much of my father. "My father hated vampires, too. Out of the same reason your father did. Only that it was 1864. There was only black and white for him. Vampires were only monsters, demons. He didn't want to understand that not all vampires were evil, that there were good ones under them. Some that only wanted to keep a bit humanity and live a normal life in a small-town under humans."

"And you didn't think only black and white?"

"No, I didn't." I said in a low voice.

"Why?"

"Because I knew some of them. Because I experienced that they weren't only pure evil."

Jeremy looked at me speechless. I didn't really know what forced me but I stood up and walked towards him.

"Listen, Jeremy, what happened yesterday … it had nothing to do with you. I … It was stupid and I know it was wrong."

Jeremy nodded slightly with an indefinable expression on his face. Then he turned around and left.

I poured Bourbon into a new glass, took a deep sip of the soothing liquid and made a decision. I placed the glass back onto the table, grabbed my leather jacket and left the manor.


	11. Nightly Visit (Elena)

**Nightly Visit (Elena)**

* * *

**Run (Instrumental) – Leona Lewis **

_To think I might not see those eyes  
__Makes it so hard not to cry_

_I can hardly speak,  
__I understand  
__Why you can't raise your voice to say__ ._..

* * *

What a day! I was sitting on my bed in my pajamas with the journal on my legs. Since minutes I was staring onto the blank pages in front of me. Somehow I didn't know how to write all of this down. My mind was a total mess.

I wanted this day to be a totally normal day so badly. Just having fun at the carnival, laughing with friends … and how did it end? In the worst nightmare I can imagine. Not only that there are some mysterious things about the Lockwoods going on, no, my best friend is a vampire. My chatty, sweet – and sometimes annoying – Caroline is a vampire who killed someone today. A single tear was running down my cheek.

How did that happen? How did my life which seemed to be a nightmare after my parent's death turn into an even worse nightmare? Didn't I suffer enough? Haven't I lost enough people I loved?

I gripped my journal and threw it against the window.

And why the hell did I save Damon today? Why didn't I let Bonnie kill him? It could have been so easy … I still have his expression in front of my eyes. His face so full of pain, these eyes that looked into mine, begging me to help him, his expression when he heard my ice-cold voice … There was just this feeling inside me, an indescribable feeling that I couldn't let him die … Why? Why? Why the hell did I stop Bonnie? It was a mistake! He deserves it! Bonnie is right! Everything she said is right! He is a murderer! And I saved him!

Suddenly I heard a knocking at my window. I recoiled. I slowly stood up from my bed and walked towards the window. I could make out a dark figure sitting on the tree in front of it. I shivered. And then I heard his voice …

"Can you please open the window and let me in?" Damon asked in a low voice.

I opened the window and walked back to my bed. When I turned around Damon was already standing in my bedroom.

"I'm tired." I said in a sharp voice.

"I know it's late and I'm sorry to disturb you but I need to talk to you."

"I don't want to hear it, Damon."

"Please, I just need a minute or two … I … I want to apologize … for everything."

"Apologize? And you think that's enough? That I will just forgive you here and now? Immediately?" I shouted.

"No, I … Not immediately … I …" Damon started.

"Listen to me now very carefully. Yesterday we were standing in this room exactly like we do now. You said there was something going on between the two of us, you kissed me against my will and then you killed my brother. You just gripped him and snapped his neck. You can apologize as much and as often as you want, do you think that I will ever forget this image? It will be in my mind forever!"

"Elena …" Damon started desperately again.

"Shut - up! Today I found out that my best friend was turned into a vampire. My best friend who didn't even know that such a world exists! And she killed somebody! She has to live with that now! She has to live this life now! Fighting against her urge to drink human blood – to kill everyone that she loves and suck every single drop of blood out off their bodies! And you … you knew that she is my friend, you knew that I would never have accepted the decision to kill her! And you just took a stake and wanted to drive it through her heart! Did you think only one moment what that would have meant for us? What would you have told her mum? What would you have told Liz? That her daughter became the kind of monster she hunts and kills and that you had no other choice but kill her? That she has no daughter anymore? And Matt! What about him? He loves her! You don't even know what this word means! Matt doesn't know about vampires but if he would, he would accept her nature! I know that! Matt is the nicest and friendliest guy on earth! He would never hurt somebody! And he really loves her. He had to look after his little sister all the time because his mother left them! And then you came! You turned Vicky without any logical reason and in the end we had no other choice than killing her! Caroline is the first thing in his life that works out. After such a long time he has somebody who is at his side and you wanted to take that away from him without the slightest hint of hesitation! And what about Bonnie? Caroline is not only my friend! All those people would have missed her but you don't care about that! You only care about one single thing. And that is yourself! The main thing is that you are safe! Caroline is dangerous because she can't control herself and that means to risk that the town finds out about your real nature! So the easiest way is to eradicate her immediately! You are the most selfish person I have ever met! I wish I had never saved you! I wish I had let the flames turn you into ashes! You think there is something going on between the two of us? You really believe that? Then you are wrong! Because you are incapable of feeling anything! You don't know what love means! I hate you, Damon Salvatore! You are a monster!"

My voice has turned into a scream. I was breathing heavily. I hatefully started into his eyes. There was nothing but silence between us. His eyes were looking back into mine and all I could see was the deepest sadness I had ever seen in my life. His breathing was unsteady and chopped and he was trembling. Then he turned around and left through the window without a word.


	12. Kisses on the Ferris Wheel (Damon)

**Kisses on the Ferris Wheel (Damon)**

* * *

**Forgive me – Evanescence**

_I heard the words come out_  
_I felt that I would die  
__It hurt so much to hurt you_

_I can't live this life_  
_Without you by my side_  
_I need you to survive  
_  
_You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry._  
_I never meant to hurt you_ ...

* * *

I leaned against the wall of the Gilbert's house under Elena's window. I was still trembling and breathing unsteady.

I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to do. I just felt … empty. I had never felt this emptiness before. It was as if I had lost a part of me, as if something inside me had died.

My thoughts were a total mess, swirling around in my mind like a tornado. Her voice, her words were repeating over and over again. Images flashed in front of my eyes …

I lost her. She didn't say it but I lost her. Forever. All I wanted was to apologize. To tell her how much I regret what I did to her. And not only what I did yesterday. I wanted to tell her everything, from the very beginning. How Katherine changed my life, how much I had loved and missed her, how she had turned me into the monster I had become over the centuries and what she did to me yesterday before I went to the Gilbert's and killed Jeremy. I wanted to tell her how much I regret everything I did, every person I ever killed. And how much I regret that I hurt her so much …

These words … these eyes … So full of hatred and disgust. But I deserve it. I deserve all of this! And I would have deserved to die today. Maybe that would have been better. For Bonnie, for Caroline, for Elena, for my brother, for everyone.

It was horrible to hear her say these words to Stefan yesterday evening … but to hear them directly, standing in front of her and looking into those brown eyes … that was unbearable.

_"__I hate you, Damon Salvatore!" _

The way she spoke my name … In a second I had ruined everything. She had believed she could change me, change the way I am – and she has been right. She had indeed changed me! But I couldn't show her. In a second of impulsiveness and despair I had ruined everything she had believed in so much.

When I had come to this town my only intention had been to have fun and tease my brother. But then I had met her. And everything had changed. In the beginning I had thought she is like Katherine. Unbelievable beautiful but selfish and manipulative.

But then we had spend this entire day in Georgia and she had been just … lovely. Lovely and kind. She had come with me although I had kidnapped her. Because she had trusted me - and in the end she had saved my life.

And then we had managed to get through all of these problems with Stefan drinking human blood together - and she had become my friend. My only real friend. And finally she had managed to let me feel … human again. She had shown me that I don't have to shut out my emotions, my humanity. She had let me know that she is there if I need her and what did I do?

_"__You are incapable of feeling ANYTHING"  
"You are a monster!" "… a monster!" _

I can't get these words out of my mind!

Why can't I turn back the time? Why can't I turn back this damn fuckin' time? If I could only undo everything! I would give so much only to hear her voice again … telling me she trusts me, that she is my friend. I would give everything to look into her eyes and see her looking back … her eyes full of trust and hope, a smile on her face. There is nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance to explain everything to her. To say I'm sorry …

When she had looked into my eyes, not screaming anymore, only silence between us I had been screaming inside, screaming that I'm sorry, so sorry … I never meant to hurt you, Elena …

A single tear was running down my cheek when I stared into the darkness. A darkness which was everywhere and which I couldn't escape anymore because I had lost the only light that had ever guided me through …

* * *

**All Fall Down - One Republic **

_Lost till you're found_  
_Swim till you drown_  
_Love till you hate_  
_Strong till you break_  
_Know that we all fall down_

_If ever your world starts crashing down_  
_That's when you find me._

* * *

Purposeless I was walking through the streets until I reached the Salvatore manor. I saw that the light in the living room was still lid. Stefan. He was the last person I wanted to talk to right now. When I walked through the entrance I saw him sitting on the couch his journal on his legs.

"Gosh, Damon! Where have you been? What happened?" I guess, I must have been in a really bad condition.

"Doesn't have to bother you." I answered, gripping a bottle of Bourbon and left as fast as I came, not giving Stefan the chance to ask any further questions.

I was walking back into town and down the streets. In the distance I saw the shape of the Ferris Wheel shimmer in the darkness. The perfect place where definitely nobody would come along at this time.

I gallantly jumped off the ground and took the seat at the very top. I placed the Whiskey bottle beside me and watched the town from my position.

Everything was wrapped in darkness, everything was silent. I looked around until I spotted the Gilbert house in the very distance. Her voice was immediately in my mind and the image of her eyes started to haunt me again. I gripped the bottle of Whiskey and took a deep sip trying to silence the words and shoot out the image.

I didn't know how long I sat there, it could have been seconds, minutes or hours but suddenly I heard voices approaching. Damn it! Can't I have a little bit of piece even at night on a Ferris Wheel? I will kill those people! Actually … this damn Bourbon is already empty and what can be a better drink to fight of haunting thoughts than fresh tasty human blood! And why should I try to fight my basic instinct so hard when there is nobody worth fighting for anymore?

I jumped off the Ferris Wheel and hid myself behind one of the kiosks in the darkness. I could already feel my fangs, excited to rush over to my victims and bury them into their warm pulsating skin. Poor cursed humans. You were just at the wrong place at the wrong time, disturbing a drunken vampire who has nothing to lose.

The voices were slowly coming closer and my excitement rose.

"Stefan, what are we doing here?"

I froze. This must be a bad joke. Even if she hadn't said the name, I would have recognized this voice under thousand, million other voices.

Elena.

I should have left, done everything to get away as fast and far away from this place as possible but I couldn't. I was incapable to move.

"We're gonna get caught!"

"Well, I compelled the guard to go on break so I could kiss my girlfriend at the top of the Ferris Wheel just like a normal high school student."

"Stefan …"

"We have to take these moments, Elena. All right? What Katherine did to Caroline could just be the beginning and … and then there's thing's with Tyler's family that we don't even understand yet. Then there's always the "D" word…"

The D – word? Great, so my name isn't even worth speaking out loud anymore. I felt how my anger rose. Why do they have to come to the same place exactly this night I decided for? Hasn't Elena punished me enough?

"But I came back to this town to start a life with you. We can't forget to live it." Stefan took her face into his hand and smiled at her … and she was smiling back. This wonderful smile I wanted to see so desperately. But it wasn't me who stood in front of her, holding her face in his hands. It will never be me.

"Listen, how are we gonna get to the top?"

"I guess you'll just have to hold on tight." Stefan took her in his arms and jumped to the top of the Ferris Wheel.

"What?" Elena laughed.

"It's just so nice to see you laugh."

It hurt to see her so happy with him, knowing that only hours before her eyes had looked so hateful. I wanted to kill him. In this moment all I wanted was Stefan gone and me taking in his place. But what would that change? Killing Stefan would only make everything worse … and deep in my heart I knew that I would never be able to kill my own brother. He deserves this. All of this. Because he is the good one. And I'm not … and will never be.

When I wanted to leave I saw how she gently leaned in to kiss him. I had to get away from this place – immediately and as fast as possible.


	13. Going to Duke with Damon (Elena)

**Going to Duke with Damon (Elena)**

I can't believe I'm doing this. Why the hell did I agree to this idiotic plan! And why does it have to be the only POSSIBLE plan? I was in my room running disorganized from one cupboard to another and throwing things on my bed I might need for our little weekend trip.

The day had already started not very promising. After school I had gotten an SMS from Damon with only three words: Salvator manor – important – now. Great! Actually I had planned not to see Damon ever again but unfortunately the SMS sounded urgent and with all the mysterious things going on in this town …

When I had jumped in my car I had suddenly been totally horrified. When Damon had written the SMS, Stefan must be hunting. Salvator manor. Damon. Alone. Maybe I should better stay at home? I had driven really slowly to the manor hoping Stefan would be back before I arrived.

When I had knocked at the door I had felt the urge to run away immediately and flee. My heart had pounded so fast that I had thought I would get a heart attack every second. When the door had been opened and I saw Stefan's face I had been so relieved that I had nearly jumped into his arms. But I hadn't had the intention to raise questions I absolutely didn't want to answer so I had just given him a short kiss, smiled at him and he had let me enter the house. Damon had been coming out of the living room, an indefinable expression on his face, and my smile had vanished within seconds.

"You needed quite a long time from your house to the manor. Did you decide to walk because the weather is so beautiful or did you just want to spare your car and therefore didn't drive faster than 19 mph?" Damon had teased me.

I had just walked past him, not paying any attention to him, and taken a seat on the couch. From there I had seen how Stefan had looked doubtful at Damon who only had shrugged his shoulders.

That's when the doorbell had ringed a second time and seconds later Alaric had rushed in.

"Okay, I think everyone is present now … Now listen, here's the plan…" Damon had begun.

Yeah and this plan absolutely hadn't appealed to me. Damon and Stefan had had the glorious idea that it is absolutely necessary to find out more about the Lockwoods. And who knew probably as much about them as the family themselves? Right, my vampire birthmother Isobel. And best of all, Ric had told us that besides vampires Isobel found out that Mystic Falls has a history of … werewolves. First we hadn't really believed it but somehow Isobel could be right. I mean those eyes, those moves Stefan had talked about … it sounds so … animal-like. We had told Ric the whole story of what we had observed at the Founder's Day and at the carnival yesterday and after a great deal of good coaxing we had managed to convince him that Isobel is our only chance to be prepared if the Lockwoods really are werewolves.

So Ric and I will drive to Durham now to get access to Isobel's research stuff at the university and Damon will come with us as our vampire-bodyguard. Damn it! I would have preferred Stefan over him a thousand times but Stefan was right when he said that someone needs to look after Caroline. And when Damon will take over the job as Caroline-bodyguard, I'm not really sure if she is still alive when we will be back home so I accepted the fact that he will be Elena-bodyguard instead. - Note for later: Tell Car how much I endured for her and what for a good friend I am!

But Damon might be the better choice in this case anyway. My whole way back from the Salvatores I had thought about what it will mean for me to dig through Isobel's research. She had done research on all vampires who had ever appeared in Mystic Falls - and their origin. When she had been busy with such stuff I'm pretty sure that she had tried to find out a lot more about her ancestors, too and one of them is … Katherine Pierce. So maybe I will have the opportunity to get more information why I look so much like her. The problem is – where do I have to start? I don't even know if Katherine Pierce is her real name. And that's when Damon gets into the game … because who knows more about her than someone who had really met her in the past … and might have been interested about her origin as well …

"Hey, are you ready?" I recoiled when I heard Stefan's voice. "What did you think of that I surprised you so much?" He laughed.

"Uhm… nothing, nothing. I was just thinking that I forgot something."

I was just ready packing my things when Jenna shouted from downstairs. I gave her a fast kiss on the cheek and then left the house with Stefan following me. Damon was already waiting at the car.

"Sorry, you can't come too, Stef." Damon said in his usual voice that was exuding of sarcasm.

Gosh, I was so sick of it. I was so sick of HIM! Why couldn't he just shut up! I pushed my things with more strength than necessary through the window into the car and let off the most hateful expression I was capable of.

"Call me if you need anything." Stefan said.

"Oh, I'll take really good care of her." Damon went on with his game.

Ha, now I know what I had forgotten! A stake! A stake that I can stab directly into his damn heart when he gets on my nerves too much – just like now. Okay Damon you're not the only one who can play this game.

My eyes still on Damon I turned to Stefan gripped his neck and gave him a long passionate kiss. When I let go of him, I gave Damon my sweetest smile.

"Ok. Time to go." He said in a mixture of jealousy and anger.

Ha! Take this, Damon! Who's the one who teases who now? I couldn't keep myself from grinning and when I looked back at Stefan I saw that he was grinning, too. Awww, poor Damon.

The whole ride to Duke was more than exhausting. There was nothing but silence in the car - even Ric didn't say a single word. I was wondering what he must be thinking because he didn't know what happened between the two of us. Well, I think he wouldn't be too surprised when I tell him that Damon had been the usual Damon getting angry, covering it up and then doing something totally stupid. Just that it had been something unforgivable this time.

I stared out of the window, turned away from Damon and thought what Stefan must be up to at the moment. I really hoped he can help Caroline manage to deal with her new life …

"Hey, how are you doing back there?"

Lost in my thoughts, I recoiled. I thought Ric had said those words but then Damon turned around and wanted to place his hand on my knee but I draw away from his touch.

First I was speechless because his voice was so different. All the sarcasm and irony was gone and one could guess to hear something like a mixture of sadness and real concern in his voice. But then I remembered that I actually didn't care anymore.

"That didn't interest you two days ago nor yesterday", I replied icy.

"Guys, I absolutely don't know what happened between the two of you but can you please leave her alone, Damon so we all survive this trip?" Ric said.

"Oh you wanna know what happened between the two of us? Actually three people were involved and one of them was killed by an out-of-control-vampire!" I shouted.

"Who?" Alaric asked horrified.

"My brother", I answered shortly.

"But … that's not possible! I saw him at school today and …"

"Yes, because he got the same ring you got from Isobel from our uncle John and luckily he was wearing it when Damon here gripped his neck and snapped it – only that Damon didn't know he was wearing the ring."

"Who said I didn't?" Damon turned around and angrily stared at me.

"Did you see it?" I said provocatively.

"Yes, I did!" He shouted,

"I know you, Damon Salvatore. You are lying!"

For a long second we both stared angrily into each other's eyes then Damon turned around again.

"I saw the ring. Period."

And for the rest of the way they only hearable sound was the engine.


	14. A friendly welcome with arrows (Damon)

**A friendly "Welcome" with arrows (Damon)**

Gosh, I was so happy when I was able to get out of this car! During the last hour the silence had become really overwhelming and I had literally felt Elena's hateful eyes in my back.

When we had entered the university we found ourselves back in a huge entrance hall. A young woman was standing in front of a cupboard in a corner, searching through documents.

"Excuse me. Hi, I'm Alaric Saltzman. I called earlier."

"Yes, of course. I'm Vanessa Monroe, research assistant comparative folklore."

"Nice to meet you. These are my friends Elena and Damon."

"Nice to meet you, too. Let me just grab Isobel's keys. Her office is right through there."

We entered a dark room with shelters full of antiques. Vases, skeletons, mysterious boxes everywhere. She was really interested in this old stuff.

"Feel free to look around", Vanessa provided.

I was just looking at an old skull when I recognized that Vanessa was gone.

"Where did she go?" I asked but went on looking though the creepy skulls and bones on the table in front of me.

Suddenly I heard Elena gasping and turned around immediately. Vanessa was standing in the door a bow in her arms with the arrow pointing towards the frightened Elena.

I didn't even think a single moment. Within seconds I rushed over to her, to protect her with my own body.

In the same moment Vanessa shot the wooden arrow. I felt the arrow piercing through my back, missing my heart only by inches. I looked into Elena's astonished eyes, gripping hold on the cupboard behind her. Then I felt how the pain in my back forced me to collapse and I slowly slid down to the ground. Everything around me became blurry and the room was reeling. I closed my eyes.

I vaguely heard Elena's voice shouting my name and her hands gripping my shirt and shaking me. "Damon? Damon! Are you alright? Damon, please, wake up!"

I opened my eyes. Her face only inches away from mine. Only with a huge amount of effort I could hold myself back from taking her face into my hands and kissing her immediately. She just looked totally sweet. So desperate and worried about me. It let me nearly forget what happened yesterday evening.

"Elena, hunnie, could you please stop shaking me? Otherwise my head will never stop reeling."

I gripped the hands that were still firmly holding my shirt.

"You idiot! You were awake the whole time!"

Furiously she drew her hands from mine and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Don't think that I was worried about you for only a single moment!"

"Your face showed me something different." I laughed.

She glared at me furiously which made me laugh even more.

"Would you please do me the favor to help me up and pull this thing out off my back?"

"Why should I?"

"Because this damn arrow - which was actually meant for your back - hurts and I can't reach it."

She moaned and rolled her eyes but my innocent look must have convinced her and after a few minutes I was arrow-free.

"Okay, where did that bitch go? She's dead!"

"You won't touch her, Damon!"

"And why not? Are you so eager to let yourself save from me a second time?"

"You touch her and I swear I will never speak a word to you again."

"Hunnie, listen, two things. A) You said that already, remember? Yesterday you said you don't wanna hear, see nor talk to me and nevertheless you didn't stick to a single one of them. B) What makes you think that has any power over me? Because I took an arrow in the back for you? I just didn't want to come back to Mystic Falls with your dead body in my arms and Stefan chasing after me with a stake in his hand."

"Right. I forgot that I was speaking to a self-serving psychopath with no redeeming qualities who snaps and kills people impulsively. Fine, go ahead. Do what you want."

"Are you trying to manipulate me?"

"If you define "manipulate" as "Telling the truth", ok. Guilty. And now let's go! We have more important things to do!" she said while leaving.

Head-shaking I followed her.


	15. Friends don't manipulate friends (Elena)

**Friends don't manipulate friends (Elena)**

I was looking through all the stuff Vanessa had given us about Isobel's research after we had explained to her that I am not Katherine and that Damon hadn't really died in 1864 but somehow I just couldn't really concentrate on the documents in front of me. Instead I was only thinking about the scene that had just happened.

Great! This trip had already started as a nightmare, why should it become better? Damon, my hero, coming to my rescue to save me from the evil arrow! Oh my gosh … it can't worse. And I was so stupid as to fall on my knees and begging him desperately to wake up again! That's exactly what he wanted! Pretending to be seriously injured only to see how I react! Damn it, I went into his trap…! But he really looked injured. It didn't look like one of his stupid jokes … and the most mysterious thing is: why the hell did I become so desperate when I saw him lying on the ground with his eyes closed? It was exactly the same feeling I had had yesterday when he had been lying on the ground and Bonnie had been about to kill him … the same unexplainable feeling … This man drives me insane! On the one hand I hate him to death, I really do and I will never forgive him for what he did to Jeremy and what he was about to do to Caroline but on the other hand I just can't watch him die! How stupid is that? Fate gives me a chance to get rid of Damon Salvatore and what do I do? Save him! Fate gives me another chance to prove him that I couldn't care less about him and what does Elena do? Panic and show him that she couldn't care more. Brilliant.

"Any luck?" Damon asked close behind me.

"There is absolutely nothing in here about Katherine that we don't already know."

"Ah, man. You know, what a shame that you hate me and we're not friends anymore. Otherwise I could tell you what I know."

"Now who's manipulating who?" I said looking indignantly straight into his teasing blue eyes.

"They would be the perfect couple" I heard Vanessa whispering to Alaric.

"A couple? Me and HIM?" I shouted pointing towards Damon.

"Have you never heard of the proverb "The quarrel of lovers is the renewal of love."?"

All I could do was looking at her in bewilderment.

"Not in a hundred years!"

"Really? Hundred years is not such a long time actually. I mean I would have to turn you but well … it's actually a pretty appealing idea …" Damon added.

The stake! Where is my damn stake?

"Hey guys, guys, please! Can we come back to the reason why we are here? I think I found something … interesting." Ric opposed holding an old book up in his hands.

"Let me see it", Vanessa said. "Ah okay. There is no record of werewolf mythology in Mystic Falls but here are some records of some of the lesser known legends. Here, they talk about "the curse of the sun and moon" and that originally an Aztec shaman from Virginia spoke out this curse because vampires and werewolves terrorized the country. Means in short: Vampires can only go out in the night and werewolves only turn on a full moon."

"Is there anything more?" Damon asked.

"Well yeah, it is written that werewolves will attack humans but instinct and centuries of rivalry have hardwired them to hunt their prey of choice … vampires."

"Vampires? And why don't I know about it then? I mean, I m not just since yesterday a vampire."

"Because vampires nearly hunted them to extinction … to protect themselves."

"Protect themselves? Why does a vampire has to protect himself from a little puppy?"

"Because a bite of this "little puppy" is fatal."

"You mean it can kill a vampire?" I asked terrified.

"Exactly."

I looked at Alaric and Damon and I knew that we were all thinking the same …

* * *

"Hey Vanessa" I asked her a little bit later "Is that really everything you have about Katherine Pierce? Isobel found out nothing about why we look so alike?"

"I'm sorry, that's all Isobel had about her."

"But here is no hint to her origin. Nothing. All documents are only over the time she had spent in Mystic Falls. That's impossible."

"Head-scratcher, isn't it?" Damon said.

"Do you know something or are you just being yourself? I turned around to face him.

"Well, even if I know something, I'm not going to tell you, not with that attitude."

I looked into his eyes, trying to figure out if he really knows something but all I could see was a façade of irony and sarcasm. I had to risk it. He was my only way to find out more about Katherine. He has to know something and it was only one single step …

"Perfect, Damon. And this is coming from someone who wants to be my friend! Do you actually know what that word means? I guess you don't because otherwise you would know that friends don't manipulate friends. They help each other."

I looked straight into his eyes, totally serious and convinced.

"I think we have to go, it's already late and there is nothing more we can find out." I said and left.

* * *

I heard steps behind me when I was walking back to the car but I didn't turn around. I knew that it was Damon and I knew that my plan worked.

"Allow me?" Damon asked, opening the door for me.

But before I could step into the car he stepped into my way, our eyes suddenly only inches away from each other. I looked into his deep blue eyes … What was I doing here? I told him something about manipulating friends and actually that was exactly what I was doing. I only use him to get the information I need so badly. But he deserves it. Elena, he deserves it. He isn't your friend anymore. He had hurt you in the worst way a friend can hurt another and he had abused your trust! Right, he means nothing to me anymore. He is nothing but a monster … nothing but a monster.

"Are you really going to hate me forever?" he asked. Although he was smiling, the smile didn't reach his eyes.

"Can we just go, please?" I answered. This situation was more than uncomfortable.

"You didn't dig deep enough" he said taking out a book behind his back.

"Petrova? I saw this book on the shelf. What does it have to do with Katherine?"

"Katherine originally came from Europe. Petrova was her real name. Katharina Petrova."

"And how did you find out?"

"I saw it engraved on an old heirloom … back in 1864."

I had what I wanted. Finally. And nevertheless I couldn't help but feel bad about how I reached my goal. I just wanted to get away from here, away from Damon but he didn't let me go that easily.

"Yesterday … Elena … I understand that you hate me. You have every right to do so. But … you saw something good inside me when I came to Mystic Falls although I was …" He hesitated. "… a monster …, something that was worth trusting in … and we became friends. Is that really gone forever?"

Although Damon was smirking again I know exactly that he only tried to bury his real emotions under a façade of jokes and sarcasm. This was totally serious for him.

I didn't know what to answer. I didn't want to answer that question. He would know that I only used him today but I needed this information … and I knew he was the only one who could get it for me. I couldn't stand this situation any longer.

"Thank you for the book, Damon."

I looked into his eyes, hoping that he would get out off the way and stop torturing me with this question. I was just about to push him out of the way because I couldn't stand his look any longer when he nodded subtly and let me get into the car.


	16. You have lost me forever (Damon)

**You have lost me forever (Damon)**

* * *

**Love the way you lie Part II - Rihanna ft. Eminem **

_Just gonna stand there and watch me burn  
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts  
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry  
But that's all right because I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie ...  
_

* * *

The whole way back to Mystic Falls I was staring out of the window into the darkness and thought about the day and especially my last conversation with Elena.

The day was totally exhausting – and not only because I took an arrow in the back for Elena. The most exhausting thing was to lie all the time, lie and pretend not to care. As if I would only save her because I didn't want to cause a fight with Stefan! I didn't even think a second about Stefan when I threw myself in front of her! The only reason was that her death would be unbearable for me! I would prefer to die instead of holding her in my arms dying.

I was really surprised that she accepted this lie so easily … Well, I had become a professional in shutting out emotions, in lying and pretending over the centuries …

"Friends don't manipulate friends" … yeah I had known what she was searching for all the time. And I had seen how she had looked at the book in the shelter with the title "Petrova" and I hadn't said a single word. Because manipulating her to forgive me, or at least to listen to me, was my last chance … and in the end she won.

Damn it! All I wanted was an answer to my question! A simple answer! Is that too much to ask for? I had given her what she wanted! I had given her the damn book and what had I gotten? A thank you and a distanced look! She was avoiding the answer … but I won't make it easy for her, I won't let her get away like this.

"Thanks for coming with us, Ric." Elena said and I recognized that we were already in front of the Gilbert house.

"You're welcome. May I come with you? I need to talk to your aunt."

"Sure." Elena answered smiling.

When Ric entered the house and Elena wanted to follow him I hold her back.

"We need to talk."

"Damon, the day was exhausting enough, I just want to go to bed."

"You owe me an answer."

"Ha, what? I owe you something? Why should I owe you something?"

"Because I helped you getting the information you needed."

"Oh yes, sure! That fixes everything now" she replied sarcastically.

"That's not what I meant."

"Then what do you mean, Damon? Tell me!"

"I asked you a simple question and all I want is an answer. And this time you won't avoid it."

"Do you remember the question I ask you in the car in the morning?"

I only looked at her puzzled.

She laughed humorless.

"I knew you would forget it as fast as possible. And now tell me who's avoiding an answer!"

"Ask me the question again and I promise to give you an answer."

"And you will tell me the truth?"

"I promise."

For a second she only looked at me with this hateful look I got so used to the last days and then she asked the question I was most afraid of.

"Then tell me, Damon, did you see the ring when you broke Jeremy's neck?"

I couldn't speak. I couldn't answer that question … not honestly. She hated me already to death. When I spoke out what she already assumed then …

"I want an answer. Now." She said ice-cold.

"I …"

I swallowed. I had no chance. I had to tell her the truth. I took a deep breath then I went on.

"No …. No, I didn't see the ring."

When she shook her head and turned her face away from me I desperately went on trying to explain everything.

"Katherine really pissed me off and I drank a lot and then you …"

"I? You wanna say that it is my fault now?" She screamed.

"No! No! Damn, Elena! I knew I was lucky that he was wearing the ring! I don't know what I would have done if he wasn't wearing it! I think I could have taken a stake and stab myself immediately!"

I looked down on her, hoping, praying that she would look up, that I would see … understanding in her eyes. But was it really fair to pray for that? Did I deserve that? Finally she looked up at me. Her nostrils flaring from anger, her jaw tense. One last chance …

"Elena, I … I'm so sorry" I said, my voice full of regret.

For a long moment she said nothing. She just stared into my eyes.

"Thank you for being honest with me."

She made a long pause and I started to breath heavily.

"And the answer to your question … about our friendship …"

My look was full of despair, of hope that she would just forgive me.

"… is yes. You have lost me forever", she said, her voice becoming more hateful than ever before.

Her words hit me harder than everything she ever said before. I just stared at her, incapable to say a thing. And then I recognized one thing … her eyes showed me an unbelievable certainty. Not only the certainty that I had lost her forever, no, the certainty that no matter what I would have said concerning the ring, she knew the answer before. My words had changed nothing. And suddenly I realized that she only used me today; to get the information about Katherine she needed.

"You knew that already, didn't you?"

Now I was the one who was getting angry. She turned her face away. The gesture and her silence spoke for themselves. I clenched my teeth.

"You used me today." I said, the words coming out chopped.

"You had information about Katherine that I needed to know."

I laughed humorlessly.

"I thought friends don't manipulate friends. Your words."

I couldn't believe it. I thought all the time that she was different. Different from the only woman I ever loved and who betrayed me, lied to me, used me – for more than 140 years. And in the end it turned out that she was nothing better than Katherine. Nothing!

"You and Katherine have a lot more in common than just your looks." I said sharply.

"You compare me to Katherine?"

"The two things you two are professionals in is manipulating and lying! The whole day you did nothing than pretending to be willing to give me a chance to make it alright and the only thing you had in mind was to get this damn book only to dump me ice-cold in the end! And I was so stupid to save your damn life!"

"Yeah just to avoid to get killed by Stefan!" she yelled.

"You really believe that? You believe that this was the only reason I risked my own life?"

"That's what you said", she hissed.

I could only shake my head and turned around.

"That means you lied! And you tell me something about lying and how similar I am to Katherine? Then just look at you! Are you only a tiny little bit better than her? No! I trusted you, Damon! And all you did was lying! You lied about everything today!" She screamed.

I turned around again furiously and walked towards her my face only inches away from her.

"Everything?" I hissed.

"Ha, sure, there are too many lies that you can't remember them all. Let me help you. Lie No.1: You said you saw that Jeremy was wearing the ring. No. 2: The whole day you knew what I was looking for and you didn't say a single word apart from your damn jokes and Lie No.3: You said you were sorry for everything!"

"You think that was a lie?" I said, my voice quiet and menacing.

"Oh yes, I do. Because you are incapable of feeling sorry! You never regret anything! And shall I tell you one more thing? The thing you have the most in common with Katherine? You two do nothing but hurting people who care about you your whole life!"

I laughed ironically.

"Then tell me only one person who really cared about me! Honestly." I looked into her eyes meaningfully.

"Do you remember the time when you used to manipulate, abuse and fed on Caroline and took away her memory all the time? Caroline really cared about you! She was so sad when Stefan rebuffed her cause she was never the one guys wanted to have as a girlfriend. And then you came and used this! You pretended to like her only to get what you want – access to my house, to the society, a free bloodbank … and when she got on your nerves and I found out what you did to her you just wanted to kill her!

Second example. Myself. I …"

"You? C'mon, Elena! Everything you said, that you care about me, was a lie!"

"Yeah? Really? Then why have I been the only one who saw something good in you and who believed in you when you came to this town to kill and manipulate people? Even after you killed Tanner, Vicky, Lexi … I came with you to Georgia, I saved your life, I felt so sorry for you when you found out that Katherine never had been in that tomb, I wanted to help you, to be there for you and it was the same when you kissed Katherine and thought it was me. And now the last example … the person you might have hurt the most your entire life. Your own brother."

"What the hell has Stefan to do with all of this?"

"You decided to make his whole life as a vampire an eternity of misery. Only because Katherine turned him too, only because she loved him all the time! But that's not his fault! You can't blame him for that for all eternity!"

"And what about me wanting to die in that night? What about Stefan turning my life into a hell I can't escape from?"

"Don't you see? He only did that because he couldn't watch you die! You were the only person left in his life and probably you have been the only person he always cared about! He didn't want to lose his brother!"

Her words felt like stabs with a knife. Because I knew that she was right. She had lied to me, she had used me today but she was right.

"Then you might be right. I am a monster."

I looked into her astonished eyes for a long second, my expression still full of anger and fury. Then I turned around and walked down the stairs, feeling her eyes in my back. Before I disappeared into the darkness, I thought I had heard her voice shouting my name …


	17. My heart is just too dark to care(Damon)

**My heart is just too dark to care (Damon)**

* * *

**Slipknot – Snuff**

* * *

_"__Bury all your secrets in my skin_

_Come away with innocence_

_And leave me with my sins _

_The air around me still feels like a cage _

_And love is just a camouflage _

_For what resembles rage again …"_

I didn't turn around. All I wanted was to get away from her as far as possible. I didn't know where I was nor did I care about it. I wanted to forget everything – everything that happened since I came back to Mystic Falls. I wanted to forget that I ever met her. I slowed down and looked around. I was surrounded by huge dense trees which made it impossible for a human to see his own hands before his eyes but I could make out an old ruin in the distance. I let myself fall down onto an overthrown tree. I know exactly where I was. I buried my face in my hands. Images were flashing before my eyes …

Two witches repeating a spell over and over again, torches burning, Elena's screams, me throwing a blood bag against a stone wall, my despair that Katherine wasn't in the tomb, Elena shouting my name appearing out of the darkness, resembling Katherine so much that I thought it was her in the first moment, me walking out of the tomb – alone, Elena approaching me, putting her arms around me, holding me tight … I screamed and jumped up, smashing my hand again and again into the tree in front of me, hoping that I could suppress the images that were still flashing before my eyes.

_"__So if you love me, let me go _

_And run away before I know _

_My heart is just too dark to care _

_I can't destroy what isn't there _

_Deliver me into my fate _

_If I'm alone I cannot hate _

_I don't deserve to have you _

_My smile was taken long ago, _

_If I can change I hope I never know"_

She was right. So right. She lied to me, she used me but she had all the rights to do so, to punish me. She really cared about me and I knew that I could count on her. I didn't even have to say a single word; she knew when I needed her immediately. And now she has all the rights to hate me, to scream at me, to slap me, to use me … and to end our friendship. Maybe it is even better like this. What does she want with a friend who is only capable of lying, pretending and hurting people? I don't deserve to be cared about because I am a monster. I don't deserve to have her as a friend. I deserve to be alone and it is better like this. Because when I am alone I can't hurt her anymore. She had faith in me that I would change some day … but how can someone changes whose smile, whose good side, was taken so long ago? Since 1864 I had nothing to lose, I just lived the life that was given to me, the life of a predator with no feelings. I had already lost everything. When Emily told me that Katherine was alive, imprisoned in a tomb under the church they burned, all I did for years and years was trying to find a way to get her back, only to find out in the end that I was the only one who loved and missed her so many years. And while I was trying to find a way to get her back, trying to live without her, she only tried to find a way to be together again with someone else. If I hadn't turned into a heartless monster after I found out that she had never been in the tomb then I turned into one when she said she never loved me, that it was always Stefan …

_"__I still press your letters to my lips _

_And cherish them in parts of me _

_That savor every kiss _

_I couldn't face a life without your light _

_But all of that was ripped apart _

_When you refused to fight" _

Images and voices started to flash before my eyes again … _"Both Salvatore brothers coming to my rescue? How shall I ever choose?" _…. Katherine in a beautiful long dress walking gracefully away, Stefan and me watching how she leaves … Elena in a long blue dress walking down the stairs towards me … Katherine lying above me, her fangs visible, my hands touching them softly … Elena and her beautiful smile … _"Don't make me regret being your friend, Damon"_ … Katherine and me in the Salvatore mansion, me walking towards her, gently caressing her cheek … _"The truth is I never loved you. It was always Stefan."_ … Elena in her bedroom, me walking towards her, taking her face into my hands and gently kissing her … she gripping my hands, turning away her face _" I care about you, I do. But it will always gonna be Stefan" _…

_"__So save your breath, I will not hear _

_I think I made it very clear _

_You couldn't hate enough to love _

_Is that supposed to be enough? _

_I only wish you weren't my friend _

_Then I could hurt you in the end _

_I never claimed to be a saint _

_My own was banished long ago, _

_It took the death of hope to let you go" _

I started to breathe faster, my jaw tense, my nostrils flaring. I had loved a woman with all my heart for more than 140 years only to find out that I was nothing more than a pastime … Then I came to this town only to start to feel something for a woman who looks exactly like her … and to get hurt again.

I wish I never had let her into my life … never had let her see behind the wall I build up so carefully. I let her become my friend and now … I just can't hurt her and not feel bad about it, not wanting to die for what I did to her, trying to apologize over and over again, hoping she will forgive me … I never claimed to be a saint, I always believed myself that I was only bad … but then she came and tried to prove me different … and I started to believe her … only to prove her wrong in the end … and now I can't stand hear her saying I'm a monster … I had a hope … a hope that she might forgive me … and she showed me today that this hope is senseless … I have to bury the hope that she will ever forgive me … To survive I need to forget her, I need to let her go … She doesn't belong to me.

_"__So break yourself against my stones _

_And spit your pity in my soul _

_You never needed any help _

_You sold me out to save yourself _

_And I won't listen to your shame _

_You ran away - you're all the same _

_Angels lie to keep control _

_My love was punished long ago _

_If you still care, don't ever let me know _

_If you still care, don't ever let me know" _

I don't wanna hear her pity anymore, I don't want to give her the force to hurt me anymore, I don't need her to show me that I m not only bad because I am, I don't need her … I don't need all of them! They are all the same! They all pretend to be angels … not able to fall … pretending to be perfect … but they are lying … lying to keep control of everything, to keep their façade up …

I can be the monster I used to be again, nothing matters to me anymore, I lost the only person who was worth to fight, fight against what I am – a monster, a predator … a vampire. But now with that reason gone, with her gone, what shall I fight for? It is time to be the old Damon again … to protect myself.

I felt the stone wall around my heart Elena managed to break through build up again, stronger than ever before.

In the distance I heard a couple walking through the forest, laughing and kissing. I bared my fangs, my eyes gleaming red from hatred, concern and bloodlust, my body tense, ready to attack the couple and end their lives …


	18. Dream a little dream (Stefan)

**Dream a little dream (Stefan)**

"Ah! No touching Mr. Salvatore! Those are the rules."

Katherine laughed dancing around me.

"I thought you didn't believe in rules, Ms. Pierce." I smiled.

While we were dancing and having fun at the Founder's Ball my brother was standing in a corner watching us jealously.

"Damon is still upset that you choose me over him."

"Well, he has to live with that. You are definitely the better dancer", she said flirtatious. "But it seems to me that he has found a substitution. Hmm … a tacky copy when you ask me."

I turned around to see whom Katherine talked about - and froze. He was talking to Elena. He was holding her hands, smiling at her and she was smiling back. I ditched Katherine to run after them, shouting her name but she didn't hear me. When I opened the door behind which they disappeared I was suddenly in the Mystic Grill and my suit had transformed into a normal pair of jeans and shirt.

I saw Elena standing at the billiard table, smiling at me invitingly. I was relieved. It must have been some sort of freaky nightmare … When I was about to walk towards her, Damon suddenly came into my view, approaching her with two glasses in his hands. "Be prepared to lose" he said smiling and leaned in to kiss her.

"It hurts, doesn't it?"

When I heard Katherine's voice behind me, I turned around, terrified by her sudden appearance.

"Now you know how I feel when I have to watch you with her. Don't fight it Stefan. You loved me once – you can love me again."

She took my face in her hands and laid her lips gently on mine.

I suddenly awoke, heavily breathing. Oh god … it had just been a nightmare. A really creepy one! To have Katherine back in this town is really not good for my nerves … Thank god Elena was lying beside me peacefully sleeping. I lay one hand on hers and stroke through her hair with my other. Something was weird … her skin was colder than normal and her hair was curled … and why can't I remember that she spend the night here? What the fuck is she doing … This nasty little bitch! I jumped off the bed as fast as possible.

"Ha! And now I fooled you, too." She said smirking. "Did you have a nice dream?"

"Katherine!"

"As Elena's boyfriend you shouldn't sleep with other woman in one bed, Stefan. And it is not very promising either that you dream of someone else. I don't think Elena would like that. Especially not when the woman is your ex-girlfriend."

Normally I m really a nice person, I'm peaceable and never get really angry – the total opposite of Damon – but when this sl** is in my proximity I can't help it, I always feel the urge to kill her immediately! I rushed over to her but before I could attack her she throw me into my bookshelf.

"Steffy, we already had this kind of conversation. Do you really wanna try it again? You know that I could kill you so fast that you wouldn't even have time to think of your little Elena one last time."

"What are you doing here? I thought you wanted to leave, hu? I think this is a perfect idea. I just read that you can buy tickets to Siberia for less than 500$!"

"Hmm … only if you come with me", she answered flirtatiously.

"Not even if they would pay me a million dollar for it."

"That's sad to hear. I can imagine us between all the ice and snow very well … we would need to heat each other up …"

"What – do – you – want?"

"I wanted to see you. I missed you, Stef. It has been more than 140 years … I need to catch up a lot."

"Catch it up with Damon!"

"Uhm … nooo .. you have always been my hotter superior choice, Stef. And actually I believe that it's the same for you. Or why …"

She gripped my journal from the desk and opened it.

" … did you keep this picture over all these centuries so carefully in your journal?"

She swung the picture of her from 1864 in front of my eyes.

"Why not rip it to pieces or burn it? Shall I do it for you?"

She walked over to the chimney and held it over the flames. Within seconds I rushed over to her to wrench the picture from her. I didn't know why I did this and Katherine wasn't less surprised. For a long second we only starred into each other's eyes. Damn it! Why the hell didn't I let her burn the picture? Not only that I gave her a reason to believe I am still in love with her, no, noo, I couldn't even give her a logical explanation for my behavior! Somehow it felt … wrong to burn it. This unbelievable woman! Comes back to town after so many years and within minutes she drives me already insane, making me react like a little school boy whose favorite toy was taken away. Gosh! I need to do something! Immediately! Otherwise I will kill her or … haha no noo I didn't even think about that. Totally WRONG path, Stefan! No – option – at – all! This was weird! She is together in this room with me and suddenly my whole thoughts and emotions … go … wild … Katherine! This manipulative bitch!

"I already told you STAY – OUT – OF – MY – HEAD!" I yelled at her.

"What? Hey you were the one who desperately wrenched this picture out of my hand! I didn't do nothing at all!"

"You are lying!"

"I'm not lying!"

"You drive me crazy!"

"Hmm is that a compliment or an insult now?"

"Katherine!"

"Wait, wait … " she said her flirty smile returning to her face, "… when you thought I would have been in your head again, manipulating your thoughts … what the hell did you think of, Stef?"

"I didn't think about nothing! Period! And now, having you already here in my bedroom, you can help me a little bit …"

"With what? Improving your kissing skills?" She answered, coming closer and striking with her finger over my chest.

I really needed to hold myself back not to shiver. My skin burned like fire where she touched me. I shook my head. I had to get this thoughts out of my mind because when they were really not hers but my own then ….

"Nope, definitely not. You are a miserable kisser" I lied.

"Outch! That hurts to hear. Back in 1864 you always enjoyed my kisses …"

"What do you know about werewolves?" I ask, immediately changing the topic, trying to suppress the memories.

"Werewolves?"

"You mean this nice little doggies?"

"Ehmm … yeah I wouldn't call them like that …"

"Have you met one?"

"Actually … yes … and he nearly killed a good friend you might now very well …."

"Only one person, sorry vampire, can be so stupid to let herself kill immediately by a werewolf … Blondie."

"So you know that a werewolf bite can kill a vampire?"

"Sure, I know, Stef. I'm not only 150 years on this planet like you are … a vampire always needs to know her enemies." I only looked at her with an expression that she should go on. "Ah, you want to hear more? What do I get for it?"

"A stake through your nice little heart?"

"Stef! What about your good manners from 1864? That's not the best way to get an answer from a lady, my dear."

"A lady?" I laughed ironically. "Okay give me another try. Would you, nasty little bitch, please do me the favor to tell me more about the werewolves? Perhaps how do you know all of this stuff?"

"Not perfect but okay, you will work on it. You are really not very smart, Stef, are you? Think about it … 1864 … a riot … a burning church … the Founder's Families … and now the one million dollar question: who was their leader?"

"Major Lockwood?" I said astonished.

"One 100 points, Stefan! It has never been vampires who were responsible for all the attacks …"

"So all Lockwood's are werewolves?"

"Well the gene runs in their family but that doesn't mean that conclusively they are all wolves."

"How many others are there?"

"Some. Not many. And now, my dear Stefan, it's my turn to ask questions. I told you why I came back to Mystic Falls but why did you come back? You didn't know Elena when you made the decision, so I'll tell you why. You came back because you missed the old times, cause you missed me … deep down inside you know that … and you know that Elena is only a substitute for me."

I didn't know what to answer. I turned my head away and looked to the ground because I couldn't stand to look into her eyes – her eyes that told me that she was right. Was she right? I had to do something, immediately. Suddenly I saw the vervain dart on the table in front of me. Alaric must have forgotten it yesterday. When Katherine turned around I took it and put it in the back of my trousers then I rushed over to her. I had a plan – and I really hope it would work. I took her shoulder and turned her around; suddenly our faces were only inches away from each other. I looked into her eyes and she looked back into mine and suddenly she wasn't the manipulative bitch anymore. Her expression had changed and instead of a flirty teasing smile she looked astonished, speechless. This expression let a flood of images flicker in front of my eyes, memories of a time long ago, a time I had loved her … thought I had loved her … I tried to stay calm. You have to stick to your plan, Stefan. Your plan. I took her face into my hands and her expression became even more astonished.

"What is it about you … that makes me still care?" I whispered my lie.

The problem was that looking into her deep brown eyes I wasn't quite sure if it really was ONLY a lie.

She bowed her head, not knowing if she should believe my words. I tried to hold her gaze … think of the plan, Stefan. Only think of the plan. This was my only chance. Once more I looked into her eyes … her expression had totally softened, it was nearly … warm … loving … then I leaned in to kiss her. When our lips met I wanted to recoil … … there was an unbelievable electricity in this one single kiss … my entire body ignited … and an image flashed before my eyes … an image I had buried deep inside my heart for centuries, an image I never wanted to think about anymore … an image I thought had always been a lie …

She did it again! She drives me crazy! Controls my thoughts, my emotions, my opinion of what is right and wrong … the image was lie! All of this is a lie! I pulled the vervain dart out of the pocket of my trouser and smashed it into her back. When I watched her collapse onto the couch I felt relieved. She is nothing more than a manipulative bitch who doesn't know what love or trust is …


	19. Memories burried deep inside (Katherine)

**Memories buried deep inside (Katherine)**

This asshole! Tells me something about manipulating people and what did he do only minutes ago? Damn it! He caught me! This damn beautiful eyes! He knows how to manipulate me. He still knows that his eyes, his whole aura, have an unbelievable strong power over me. But damn what a kiss! He can't tell me he didn't enjoy it! He can't tell me he only did it to push this damn vervain dart into my back! Stefan, Stefan, Stefan. This kiss felt so much like our very first kiss; a long time ago after we left the Founder's Ball. He nearly looked into my eyes with the same expression. I don't believe you, Stefan. You don't love your little substitute; at least not more than you loved … love … me. And I will proof it to you.

While I thought about the best way to convince Stefan that I was the only woman he really loves, he carried me in his arms down some stairs.

Gosh, it felt so good to lie in his arms! What a shame that I wasn't allowed to look into his awesome eyes; but then he would find out that I was only pretending to be weakened.

This man! He will be my death sooner or later … even if he doesn't really know it but he is my only real weakness. If it would come to a life or death question I would always give my life for him. Gosh, what am I thinking about? It surprises me again how much he can change me.

Back in 1864 when I arrived in Mystic Falls I wasn't sure what I had to expect. I thought about it as one of the many other stops on my flight; my flight from the person who haunts me already for centuries and probably – and I only realized it when I met him – from my real origin.  
The moment I met Stefan Salvatore I started to see the whole world in a different light. He was a gentleman to the core, always polite, always decent. The first moment I looked into his eyes I was enchanted. I knew that I might have finally found my home. Not in this small town, no, but in him. From the very first moment I wanted him; when I was around him I felt … different. I felt … human again. I didn't have to protect myself with a shield of arrogance and aloofness. I could just be myself. The problem was that I couldn't change what I was …

I felt how I was placed onto a rough chair. Slowly I opened my eyes. We must be in the cellar of the Salvatore manor. Then I felt cold iron on my skin … seriously? He wants to keep me in chains? My sweet Stefan. He really doesn't have the slightest idea that vervain doesn't really affect me anymore and that I could destroy these chains within the blink of an eye. Hmm… okay Stef … then let's play your little game … and afterwards we play mine …

"Okay where did we stop … oh yes you wanted to tell me why you came back to Mystic Falls."

"I came back for you!"

"Somehow I don't really believe you. Can you tell me why? Ah yes … because you only care about yourself means you only came back to do something, find something or whatever that helps you. And now my little Miss Katherine, I make the rules."

With that he turned around and went to the corner of the room when he returned he had a vervain blossom in his hands … Ugh he really wants to proof my acting skills today ….

"So you are going to torture me now?"

"If that's the only way to get an answer", he replied striking with the vervain blossom over my cheek.

Although it left scarves on my faces, I barely felt a thing but to keep the image of the imprisoned lady totally in pain up, I screamed in pain, tears shimmering in my eyes. I definitely deserve an Oscar for this.

"Later that night at the Founder's Ball …", I started.

"C'mon, I don't wanna hear any more stories about the past!"

"Yes, that's exactly what you want to hear."

With that I started to tell him everything about my little threatening conversation with George Lockwood ... only that I left out what I really wanted from him.

"So what did you want from him?"

"It has been a lot of talking from my part. I think it is your turn now. Tell me about your little Elena. Do you pretend to be human when you are with her, trying not to stare at her throat all the time?"

"That's the point. I don't have to pretend. I can just be MYSELF."

"Oh so she is your blood bank? Ah I forgot, you don't do the human blood stuff."

Not having finished my sentence I already felt Stefan's strong hands around my throat.

"Don't ever say that again, okay?" he hissed.

"Does she know that you love me?" I gasped out.

The grip around my throat became tighter.

"One more word and I will rip your head off", he said furiously.

"You would really do that? Kill me? No, Stefan … you would never be able to kill m…"

I couldn't finish the sentence because the grip around my throat became so strong that I wasn't even able to breathe. In this moment I wasn't that sure anymore … I thought he would never be able to kill me … maybe he really loves this girl? I have to proof it. I have only one chance and if it doesn't work … like I said this man will be my death. With last strength I said only one word …

"Angel …"

Immediately the grip around my hands loosened.

"What did you say?" he said perplexed.

"I have never met a woman quite like you … I look at you and I see an angel" I quoted his own words, words he told me a long time ago …


	20. I have never met a woman quite (Stefan)

**I have never met a woman quite like you (Stefan)**

I was totally myself again when I brought her into the cellar and chained her to the rough chair standing in the corner of the room but that changed within seconds when I heard the quote that was so familiar to me and at the same time I had forced myself to forget it. The memories, I had already suppressed when I had kissed her, came descent on me with an unbelievable brutality. As if it would have been yesterday I walked up the stairs behind Katherine in her beautiful blue dress …

" I had a lovely time, Stefan."

"How long do you plan on staying in Mystic Falls?"

"As long as I'm wanted. Your father has been very kind to give me a shelter."

"How could he not? Losing your family in the fire. I'm grateful you made it out of Atlanta."

"So, I gather I'm wanted?" She turned around and faced me with her beautiful smile.

"Uhm …Very much so." I laughed shyly and she laughed back at me with a smile that could light up even the deepest darkness.

"I know we've only known each other for a short while. And I know I'm in competition for your affections but …"

I looked into her deep brown eyes that looked back into mine, surprised, excited, loving … I gathered all my courage then I told her what I had never told a woman before …

"I've never met a woman quite like you. I look at you and I … I see an angel. I touch your skin …"

I lifted my hand to lay my hand on her cheek and still after all this years I felt how my hand, even though I was wearing gloves, touched her soft skin and the same fire that burned inside of me that night arose deep inside of me again.

"… and my entire body ignites. I kiss you and I know that I'm falling in love."

We stared into each other's eyes for a long second then I leaned in to kiss her … it was the same feeling I had when I kissed her just an hour ago …

"I am in love with you."

"There is just so much you don't know about me, Stefan."

"More to learn and love."

"I … I must say goodnight." She said confused.

"I've upset you?" I said sadly.

"No, no … Stefan. Your words … No man on earth ever told me such beautiful words … I'm … You've just surprised me. Till tomorrow."

I watched her turn around and shutting the door behind her.

Slowly the image faded away … I was still looking into Katherine's eyes and she was staring back into mine, my hands loosely around her throat ...

"All I wanted that night was to take you with me into my room and tell you everything. What I was, what I thought … and what I felt. But I couldn't Stefan … I hoped you would understand it but deep down inside I already know that you won't accept my real origin. Damon waited for me in my room … but I refused him … I compelled him to leave. I never loved him, Stefan. It has always been you … It will always be you."

She hold my gaze, she didn't turn away and I saw nothing of her arrogance, no flirty smile to show me that she only teases me …

"Go ahead, Stefan. Torture me, keep me captive, drain me of blood until my body turns to dust. It'll never change the truth. I never compelled your love. It was real. And so was mine."

It couldn't be true! No, I know it was a lie! All of it was a lie! I turned around and kicked at the chair standing behind me. With a loud crunching sound it shattered at the wall.

"No! It was a lie! A lie! Nothing of it was real! Do you hear me? NOTHING! It was a lie!"

I kept repeating it over and over again forcing myself to believe it. I leaned against the wall opposite to her and slowly slid it down until I sat on the cold, dirty ground. Then I buried my face in my hands. I don't wanna hear anything about it anymore!

"It wasn't real. I remember you compelling me." I said more to myself.

"Only after I showed you who I really was! In that night when you told me these words, when you told me you loved me … that was real! After I showed you my true identity you were so scared of me … I couldn't stand the look you gave me when you awoke and looked at me … scared, disgusted … I had to change it! I didn't want to lose you, Stefan! And believe me when I say that I never regretted being a vampire more than after you told me you loved me and after you were so scared of me being a vampire, one of the demons …"

"Well … whatever feelings I had back then … they've all turned to hate" I said convinced, at least I tried to sound like this.

The truth was I didn't know what to think …. This conversation surprised me in so many ways and left me with one huge important question: Was Katherine really telling the truth? Was everything real?

"Love … Hate … Such a fine line …" she said sadly. "Well, I can wait. To come back to George Lockwood …" she said, changing the topic and immediately being the old Katherine again. "He told the towns people about us to cover his own tracks but nevertheless he was trying to strike a deal …"

Happy to be able to suppress my weird thoughts and feelings, I looked at her surprised. "What kind of a deal?"

"A deal to rid the town of vampires … and to save myself while all other vampires burned in the church."

"You knew of what was happening to them, to you?" I said astonished.

""I practically lit the match."

"They were your friends. They were your family." I said shocked. "You just sold them out?"

"Without blinking."

"That is the good old Katherine. Only thinking about how to save herself and not caring about how many people have to die for that." I said sarcastically. "WE, Damon and I, died because of you!"

"You two nearly ruined everything! I wanted to see you one last time not knowing that your father will use your love against me and then Damon desperately wanted to ruin my whole plan by saving me out of the wagon!"

"He … we only wanted to save you! We didn't want to watch you die, to lose you!"

"But I didn't want to be saved!"

"Then Damon and I died for nothing! For nothing!" I screamed.

"No, Stefan. You died for love!"

"Love? What love? We were only marionettes in your little plan to save your own ass! And now you bitch will tell me why you are back in town – and no lies this time!"


	21. Encounter with the doppelganger (Kathy)

**Encounter with the doppelganger (Katherine) **

Gosh this man! You can't live without him but you can't live with him, either! Okay, I tried as hard as it was possible for me! I told him everything – I told him about my real feelings and what do I get in return?

There was a moment after I had reminded him of what he told me that night after the Founder's Ball when I had thought that my plan would work. But he just doesn't want to understand it! At least for now I tried hard enough to proof it to him in a nice way … now I will have to bring the big guns in … sorry, Stefan you want it this way.

"I already told you five times and I won't make it six. I want what I want and I don't care what I have to do to get it. I usually get what I want, Stefan. My list of victims is a long one and I don't have any problems adding a name or two to it. What about … Jenna .? Or Bonnie? Or …. Elena?"

"C'mon Katherine, if you wanted them dead, you would have done it by now."

"Oh I still can. I can do what – I – want, my dear. . making a nightly visit at the Gilbert's tonight … I will start with Jenna, then Jeremy and then I will finally reach the bedroom of your little girlfriend …."

Suddenly I looked in Stefan's eyes … Stefan's hateful eyes – to be precisely. He held a stake above his head in his hand, ready to stab it into my heart every moment. For a long moment we just looked at each other, then he lowered his arm and smashed the wall behind me with his hand. I wasn't very impressed. I could have escaped from the chains every moment but it was just … fascinating to see Stefan angry. He always looks so … dashing. More than he already does.

"See, in the end I was right. You don't hate me as much as you think and … you are not able to kill me! And now, having solved this question, we can get back to our nice little conversation about my nice little doppelganger. I don't want you to see her anymore. Remove her from your life otherwise I will kill everyone she loves, including your sweet big brother, while she watches and then I will kill her while you watch and then … tada … no problems anymore and we have all eternity for us! No annoying Damon for me anymore and no bad substitute for you. Sounds perfect doesn't it?"

And again I had a nice stake in front of my face … only that it approached my heart quite closely this time.

"Don't you ever think for one moment that I will not kill you" Stefan hissed angrily.

Okay, time to blow my cover otherwise I will be really dead in a moment and his hand around my throat slowly really gets annoying. With all my strength I threw Stefan against the wall, then I freed myself from the chains with one simple move and rushed over to him.

"Do you really think that after 145 years of sipping vervain every single day it would still hurt me?"

"But why ….?"

"Gosh, you really wanna hear it a sixth time? I still missed you, Stefan. It will always be this one single easy sentence … you can ask as often as you want. And I thought why not spending time with you? I must admit you could have been a better host, this chair was really uncomfortable and I m really sick of your hands now, but apart from that …"

Suddenly I heard the door getting opened upstairs. I stopped talking.

"Hello? Stefan?" A very familiar voice was shouting.

"Ahhh and there she is, your little substitute. What do you think? Shall I saw hi to her? Would be polite wouldn't it?"

"If you touch her …."

"Then what? And how should you keep me from touching her with a stake in your leg?"

"What sta…"

He didn't have time to finish the sentence cause I stabbed the stake with which he wanted to kill me only minutes before with all my strength into his leg. He screamed from pain.

"This stake" I said with my nicest smile then I turned around and went upstairs.

Let's see what Elena thinks of her hotter doppelganger … and the fact that she spend all day with her beloved boyfriend.

"Hello, you must be Elena."

She turned around, a frightened expression in her face when she recognized who was standing in front of her.

"How … how is that possible? How do we look exactly alike?"

"Hunnie, you are asking the wrong questions. What about . "What did you do with my boyfriend all day imprisoned in a dark, cold cellar?"

And immediately I had managed to make her speechless. I am brilliant!

"Or why did he kiss me? Or why is he sitting in the cellar now with a nice stake in his leg with which he wanted to kill me by the way."

"I kissed you to be able to imprison you and do you really think I can't free myself from such a little stake?" A voice said behind me. I turned around.

"Stefan! How nice to see you back! I was just telling your little substitute, sorry, Elena here that we really had an interesting, revealing day."

"Oh yes it was very revealing … to sum it up: Damon and I plus 26 vampires aka your friends and family died only to save your ass and you are still a manipulative nasty little bitch."

"Oh Stef, I really thought you have a better opinion about me now. Sad to hear. Hmm … but then why not kill your little girlfriend here … immediately."

I rushed over to a very surprised Elena swung my arm around her throat and exposed my fangs.

"Sooo, what do you want? Dead girlfriend? Vampire girlfriend? Half vampire half human so that you can force her to drink human blood and turn like you did with your brother?"

"Let – her – go! Immediately!" I screamed.

"Stefan, Stefan, your manners! No please?" Stefan remained silent. What happened to this nice gentleman who did everything for a woman like me?

"Immediately!"

"Ugh you are so boring! But okay … take my threat serious, Stefan. Only one more kiss and ….well you know what will happen. Keep these words in mind … just like you did with those words you told me a long time ago."

With that I pushed Elena forward and hushed through the door, leaving a surprised substitute in the arms of a very angry – and very dashing – Stefan behind.

I was walking along the street. Minutes ago I had met Damon. I must admit he really looks a lot more dashing than in 1864 and he definitely became a lot meaner over the centuries. But gosh what's wrong with the men today? All of them desperately want to give their life for the trashy substitute aka Elena. I don't get it. What is so interesting about her? I really have to get her out of my way. She gets on my nerves!

Ugh and my plan to convince Stefan of his undying love for me somehow failed today, too. He has always been so … stubborn. Now sadly this time I can't just compel him to do what I want. How inconvenient.

Maybe I should have told him about the night I fled … about the promise I gave him even if he doesn't remember it cause he was lying dead on the ground, already transitioning into what became a private hell for him now. Hmmm no … let's keep that for later. I need to keep an ace up my sleeve. And for now; I will just torture the little substitute a tiny little bit …

I looked up at the dark sky. Clouds were raging and covering the moon from now and then, a mean smile emerging on my face.


	22. Bourbon and Poker (Damon)

**Bourbon and Poker (Damon) **

This day had really seemed to begin as bad as the last day had ended. First thing had been that I had woken up in my room – but not in my bed but in my bathtub. And if that hadn't already been crazy enough I had had more Bourbon bottles around me than I could have counted. Plus my usual black shirt had suddenly gotten shades of red. A lot of red. Blood red.

In the beginning, I had had no clue how that had happened. Total black out. And while I had climbed out of my bathtub I had thought that it might even be better not to remember what I had done last night but then I had heard a very familiar voice from downstairs calling for my brother. And within less than a second all my memories had come rushing back.

The fight with Elena. The forest. The couple. The blood. The whiskey. And the headache.

I had just been about to turn around and climb back into the bathtub when someone had knocked on my door and asked in an annoying voice where the hell my brother would be. My first instinct had been to scream "Go to hell, Elena" but somehow I had had the bad feeling that she would have stormed into my room. She would have seen the chaos, the Bourbon bottles, the blood. I already had had her shocked reproachful voice in my mind – "Damon, oh my god, what happened? Is this blood? No, you didn't!"

No, thanks! But why not give her a different impression … the impression that I hadn't been alone last night, that I had had great company?

While I had walked – correction swayed - to the door, I had gotten rid of my shirt and opening it I had given Elena my best ironical smile and most casual pose – last thing had been more due to the fact that I couldn't stand straight without swaying to the side so I had needed to hold onto the door not to fall into her arms accidentally.

As expected Elena hadn't given me a friendly smile but looked at me with an expression between disgust and anger.

"What the hell have you done? You smell like you spend the night in Bourbon!"

Damn, I hadn't kept that in mind but who can blame a person for not having all the details in mind after a really necessary encounter with one's best friend called Whiskey. So what to reply? "Yeah, Elena actually that's exactly what I did?" Nope, definitely not.

"First of all, a beautiful good morning to you, too, Elena and second that's my business where, how and with whom I spend my night but if you want you can come in and keep company with us."

Her expression had become even more disgusting.

"Ugh, do what you want Damon. I only want to know where Stefan is."

"Am I his babysitter? Probably hunting little bambis! So go and search in the forest and let me alone. Gosh, and please stop interrupting me so early in the morning!"

"Early in the morning? It's midday!"

"Exactly what I said. Early in the morning." I said giving her an even huger smile.

She had done the same – only that her expression had become even angrier. Without another word she had turned around, stamped down the stairs and shut the door so loud that even the vampires in Alaska must have heard her – if there are vampires. What an awesome way to start the day!

After I had taken a shower – which hadn't been that useful because my whole bathroom had smelled like Bourbon – and dressed; I had decided to use the day to find out more about the Lockwoods. Not that I fear someone's life, as far as we all know by now I only fear MY life. If the werewolves would rip Stefan or Elena into pieces, I would stand in the corner and encourage the wolves and later I would celebrate with them a huge party with lots of Whisky! Note for myself: Drink less, the sarcasm gets really sarcastic.

I had decided that it would be a good thing to talk to Ric how to proof that the Lockwoods are indeed werewolves. When he had told me that Jenna and Mason had been friends at school and that we can ask her, I had had the perfect plan in my mind. Why not combine fun and work? Said and done, officially Ric and secretly I had organized a barbecue at the Gilbert house. Jenna would never have agreed to an idea that had come from someone who loves to snap other people's necks impulsively.

And as fate had willed Elena had entered the Grill just when Ric had been about to leave to tell Jenna the idea. I had thought why not go on with our talk where we had stopped. It had been quite boring. She still had wanted to know where Stefan was and I had told her that finally all animals had bounded together and started a revolution against Stefan. I still think it was a funny joke but somehow Elena has been together with Stefan for far too long because she does have any humor left at all. Thank god, I don't have a girlfriend! The influence is terrifying. Of course she had been very happy about my idea and been excited for the barbecue – means she had nearly lost control and wanted to strike her hand directly into my face. Sadly, poor Elena had had no other choice than accept the fact that she would have to spend the whole afternoon with me.

The barbecue had been disappointing in the end. I had had lots of fun teasing Mason with my awesome wolf-jokes but I absolutely couldn't have forced him to touch the stupid silver knife I had found in one of Jenna's drawers. And well smashing it into Mason while Elena, Caroline and the rest watches wouldn't have been the best idea.

I had decided to play the little thief, steal the knife and follow Mason. Unfortunately silver somehow doesn't affect werewolves. Awesome Isobel, awesome! Could you please do your research a little bit more precisely the next time? Means I have a huge problem now – a problem I need to get rid of before the next full moon.

And if that wouldn't have been enough drama, I had to watch a little nice theater play in the Grill. Or one could better say soap opera. I had decided that it had been really time for some Bourbon now and to spend my evening at the Grill. And it seems to me as if Elena has a special magnet inside of her that always brings her to the place I am, because 20 minutes later she and Stefan (revolution must be over and probably it's his fault now that bambi is on the red list of endangered animal species) had arrived.

First, I had thought that I should better leave if I hadn't wanted to throw up watching them kiss but somehow fate had been nice to me and they had been arguing about Katherine threatening to kill Elena if Stefan doesn't leave her. Means Stefan and Elena had started Act1 Scene1: The break-up. Elena looking at Stefan seriously, trying to convince him not to let Katherine come between them, Stefan being cold and telling her she already has come between them. Soap opera, like I said. It had ended with Elena leaving furious and Stefan remaining thoughtfully. Guys, c'mon! Do you really think that Katherine will believe this really bad play? The only one who had though it hadn't been a fake had been stupid Blodie who had sat in the corner and seemed to have something to do with it because she had looked remorsefully.

I had decided that it had been enough drama for one day, so I left. And if the day hadn't been full of surprises who leaned against a wall on my way? Right, my favorite bitch, Katherine. Well, I had thought, at least a bit fun. But Katherine's jokes had been better once – now she keeps coming up with the same boring stuff. "Are you jealous that I spend the day with Stefan?" Sure, I have nothing better to do than just being jealous because Stefan spends the day with a nasty little bitch! But the info had been quite surprising. Stefan had spent the day with her? Aha, seems to me that my little brother becomes a Casanova. One girl isn't enough anymore. Interesting, very interesting. Nevertheless I had silenced Katherine with the sentence that being the hero now concerning the werewolves wouldn't be for nothing this time and ditched her.

I definitely had needed some glass of Whisky now after all the disappointments but somehow I hadn't been in the mood to drink it alone. And as if fate had read my thoughts, I had suddenly looked into beautiful black and female eyes. The woman, dressed in a super short black dress, had asked me in the most professional flirting manner – I must admit I had been impressed – where she could have fun tonight. She had told me that she was on her way to New York and only on the passing through but didn't want to spend the night all alone in a hotel room while she had run with one hand through her long black hair.

More of an invitation a man can't get, I guess. It had been the easiest thing in the world to convince her to come with me to the mansion. There had been even no need to compel her.

* * *

**S&M - Rihanna**

_Feels so good being bad  
There's no way I'm turning back  
__Now the pain is my pleasure;  
cause nothing could measure;  
_  
_  
'Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it ...  
_

* * *

And that's where we are now. In the background some dance music is playing which could be written by me - "Feels so good being bad. There's no way I'm turning back. Now the pain is my pleasure because nothing could measure. Cause I may be bad but I'm perfectly good in it" – oh yes! – and I'm sitting on the couch with … Megan? Jessica? Jean? Never mind; and she is just about to take off her nice little black dress. Oh, I love strip poker! All over the room several Bourbon bottles and everything else drinkable I had found in the refrigerator were scattered, mixed up with our shoes, jackets, my shirt as well as her dress now.

"Nice underwear, M … lady. I love black! But do you want know what I prefer?" I said, looking deeply into her black eyes, her gaze fixed on me in excitement.

"Red … and your blood is extremely red and … tasty."

"Do you want have another taste?" she asked flirtingly. Gosh, this compulsion thing is really useful sometimes!

With a smile I approached her and leaned in to burry my fangs in the pale skin of her neck. But before I could even have a taste of her blood I heard someone coughing slightly behind us. Note for the next time: Put a sign on the door! Slowly, I lifted my head, still hoping that I wouldn't see the persons I expected to see but my hopes were dashed. I looked into Elena's brown eyes. Okay, stay calm.

"Stef, Elena. What a pleasure." I said, walking towards them while retracting my still visible fangs, well aware that I was wearing nothing but my black trousers.

"Could you please …" Stefan began.

"What?" I replied grinning.

"Put … your … shirt on."

"Oh yeah … well if you tell me where I put it. I must have lost it somewhere between the 4th or 5th bottle of Bourbon. Hey, M… J… Jean? Do you know where I put my shirt?" I said turning around to face her.

"I'm so sorry I have no idea but I definitely prefer you this way", she answered with a grin on her face.

"You see, she is the boss. She doesn't want me to wear it", I said shrugging.

In the meantime Elena had walked to the window in the background and taken something that looked like my black shirt from the window board.

"I think that must be yours … I hope so at least, it could be her black dress, too" she said, an expression on her face that surprised me.

Okay that wasn't possible. Damon, you really should stop drinking. Now I even imagine that I see jealousy in Elena's eyes. How ridiculous.

"Thanks. Or do you prefer to wear it?" I asked Megan/Jessica/Jean.

"Oh ye…" she began.

"Put it on!" Stefan said furiously.

"Relax brother" I said still grinning while I put the shirt on.

"Button it."

"Gosh, Stefan, has someone already told you that you are way too serious and uptight?" I asked while trying to button my shirt.

The problem was that I already felt the 5 bottles Bourbon I had drunken so far, so it wasn't that easy. A clumsy vampire, oh my gosh. Suddenly and image flickered before my eyes. I remember this situation. But the last time it had been only Elena and me in the room … I looked up to her and was really surprised to see that she had to suppress laughter. But when I looked at her she changed her expression to the usual distanced look as fast as possible. I had to laugh about that. I'm pretty sure we were thinking the same in that moment – even if she doesn't want to admit it.

"Okay, done. And now you two tell me who you wanted to impress with your little play at the Grill."

"You were there?" Stefan asked astonished.

"Yep, and believe me … you shouldn't think of an acting career. All you'll ever earn are boo-shouts."

Stefan was speechless and Elena didn't seem too satisfied, either.

"So what the hell happened today?"

"To sum it up … Katherine happened." Stefan replied.

"She threatened that she would kill everyone Stefan loves if he doesn't end the relationship with me." Elena explained.

"Oh my god, how inventive. Our little Katherine is really bored and it seems to me that she wants to get you back under all circumstances, Stef. But her plans have already been better."

"Damon this is serious!" Elena shouted.

"Well guys, then the only thing I can advice you is to do what she wants you to do. I experienced that this is the way with the least trouble and least deaths possible. And now please excuse me, Jessica and I have more important things to do. "I said and turned to face Jessica. "C'mon honey, I bet you wanna experience my bed – comfortable silk sheets. And my shower is nothing to sneeze at, either." I said flirtatious.

She stood up and walked towards me. I put an arm around her waist and lead her out of the living room.

"Her name is Megan! At least if her ID Card on the window board is right!" Elena shouted angrily.

"She is what I want her to be." I replied grinning, walking upstairs to finish what I had started before the two had interrupted me.


	23. Death and Fear (Elena)

**Death and Fear (Elena) **

Dear Diary,

What a day! I really don't know where to start! At the moment I'm sitting on the couch at the Salvatore mansion and watch Caroline sleeping, tears still gleaming on her cheeks. It has been a hard day for all of us but especially for her.

But I should start at the beginning. Means with Damon! Damn it, this man drives me crazy! We have serious problems and what does Damon? Playing strip poker with some … slut! And I'm such a stupid idiot! Laughing when he hadn't been able to button his shirt! But the worst thing had been that he had seen it! I just hope Stefan hadn't recognized it. But I guess he had been too shocked.

But damn it really had been funny. Just because I had to think of the situation a while ago. He had been drunk after he had found out that Katherine had never been in the tomb and thus hadn't been able to button his shirt and had asked me to do it. And I mean c'mon who wouldn't have laughed while watching a clumsy vampire?!

And then he had gone upstairs with this … woman, he hadn't even be able to remember the name of! Thank god I had spend the night at home! The image of Damon, this bitch and a shower had already caused me a sleepless night; I don't want to image what it must have been like if I had laid in the room next to his. UGH! Okay but I already wasted too much space for Damon.

The day had already started with complications. As if I wouldn't have had enough problems with Damon my brother had decided to play the hero now and wants to help us with the Lockwoods! Brilliant! If he gets involved in all of this I have one more person I have to fear about getting hurt! I had told him not to get involved in all of this but why the hell do I think that he will not really follow my advice?

And then there is still this stupid game Stefan and I have to keep up for Katherine! I hate to pretend as if we broke up, I hate to fight with him! And all of this because Katherine wants to play some silly game! Ha, but believing Damon, our little theater show hadn't been very convincing. Arg! I hate him! He tells us that nobody will believe that we broke up but doesn't have a better idea, either. Oh stop, yes he has! Taking a shower with this bitch! And why the hell do I write about Damon now again? And why the hell do I get so furious? Damon can screw who he wants to! Even if it would be the whole town! I – don't – care. Period.

Today had been another one of these thousand Mystic Falls parties – a Historical society volunteer picnic whatever. I hadn't been very motivated but the students of Mystic Falls High had been engaged to help – means I had been forced to pretend the whole day in front of Car, Matt, Tyler and everyone that Stefan and I had broken up.

When I had arrived at the picnic I had been forced to face the next problem – a furious Caroline who had talked and talked about her problems with her mother. I really like Car but in situations which are already complicated enough it is really hard to stand her babbling. Well minutes later I had wished she would have gone on with her problems because she had started to ask me about Stefan. I think I had been more convincing this time because Caroline had really seemed to believe my "It feels like we are giving up" and "I thought we were stronger than that".

The problems had started when Stefan had shown up … I just hadn't been able to resist glancing at him but I had forgotten that I Caroline had been standing next to me – the professional in observing and analyzing people's behavior. So I had decided to make our game a bit more realistic by walking towards him and playing the jealous ex-girlfriend – having very obviously spectators, called Caroline and Damon (without his bitch), listening to every word that we had exchanged! And now tell me, Damon who's bad in acting?

After this little "fake drama" I had left the picnic to sit beside a waterfall in the distance. I had wanted to be alone. This whole pretending thing had really gotten on my nerves and had been exhausting. But Caroline hadn't given me some time for myself. As furious as I had been, I had told her sarcastically what a good friend she is and that I hadn't wanted to take it out on her, well knowing that she had been forced to help Katherine with her little mission.

Caroline had just surprisingly wanted to start telling me the truth when she suddenly had jumped up. She had spotter her mother who had been talking on the phone to someone – and it had seemed important. I had wanted to know what the hell had been wrong and followed her up to some hill where she had told me that she had needed to hear better. I had wanted to kill her in that moment! I hate it when nobody tells me what's going on! When I had just been about to scream at her that she should explain what's going on when she had turned around with an "Oh good! Stefan and Damon!" She hadn't needed to say more, she hadn't even had to ask me to follow her.

As fast as possible I had followed Caroline into the woods – I had never been more happy that she is a vampire with supernatural senses than in that moment! When she had stopped because she had found a track of blood on a branch, we had heart a familiar voice behind us – Mason. I should have known from the very beginning that he had been involved in the disappearance of Stefan and Damon! Stefan had told me yesterday evening how Damon had failed to kill Mason and that he had really seemed to have pissed him off. The wolf wants revenge. Awesome. Why does Damon always have to make dangerous people furious and in the end it is Stefan who has to pay for it? But I hadn't had much time to be furious about Damon again because Mason had been about to make Caroline really angry by threatening her to tell her mother what she really is. When Car had wanted to attack him he suddenly had taken me by the shoulder and hold me in a grip I hadn't been able to escape from. Oh please, Car don't do something stupid, I had thought, I'm not wearing one of these popular rings which bring you back to life, I would be really DEAD, I had screamed inside. Mason had gone on threatening Caroline but probably he shouldn't make a vampire furious when not being a werewolf because within seconds Caroline had gripped him, thrown him against the next tree, slammed her knee into his stomach and kicked him against another tree like he would have been a football and not a 90 kg heavy male person. I had been lying on the ground and had been only able to look up to her in surprise. Jeez, the nice and always friendly Caroline, normally pushed around by men, had just brought a man down to his knees. Her new personality had surprised me once more.

We had continued our search until we had reached the ruin of the old Lockwood property when Caroline had come to a stop again.

"I hear them … oh my god … she is about to kill them", she had told me shocked.

I had wanted to run downstairs to help them but Caroline had gripped my arm to hold me back.

"I can't go there, Elena! She will find out about me" she had said desperately.

That moment, I had hated her new personality again. But what possibilities had I had in that moment? Letting them die? I had had to make a decision and in that moment I had been forced to decide against Caroline, I had had no other choice if I hadn't wanted to lose Stefan.

I had run downstairs and entered the ruin when I had suddenly stopped. Liz had been standing in front of me with a gun that was pointing directly to my heart.

"Elena what are you doing here? You should leave", she had screamed.

"No, I will not let you kill them!" I had yelled back when a deputy had pushed me into the cave.

Suddenly the door had been shut, a shadow had rushed into the cave and seconds later buried her fangs in the neck of the two deputies. Caroline! I hadn't been able to believe she would come to help us! To expose her true nature to her mother! With blood all over her face, fangs bared and red gleaming eyes she had slowly approached Liz who had only looked at her in bewilderment. Seconds had passed and nothing had happened until I had heard a coughing from the ground. Stefan! I had run towards him and fallen to my knees to check if he had been okay while Liz had gone backwards and let herself drop onto a stone, speechless. Stefan had been breathing heavily and his chest had been covered all over with blood and bullet wounds. I had felt so helpless in this moment! Damon had fallen to his knees right beside me, his face covered with blood from one of the deputies he had just fed on, and had wanted to force Stefan to drink some blood, too but he had refused. I hadn't known what to do … memories came back from the time I had saved his life by giving him my blood and all the problems it had caused … but I hadn't wanted him to suffer either.

"Stefan maybe this is the best idea … I don't want you to suffer … I …", I had begun slowly.

"It's fine Elena, it will just take some more time for me to recover", he had calmed me.

Damon had only shaken his head and stood up.

"Awesome. Somehow our situation doesn't really get better. Now we have 2 dead deputies I can bury again, in which I have became a professional in the last time by the way", he had said with a brief look to Caroline. "And we can add a mother, who just found out that her daughter and the person she trusted are vampires, to our list of people we need to get rid off!"

"No, Damon, no you can't kill her!" Caroline had screamed. "She is my mother!"

"Then tell me, hunnie, what shall we do with her? I bet you don't want to be killed tonight in your sleep, do you?" Damon had answered ironically.

"Mum, you won't tell anybody, right? Please … mum … I'm your daughter and it is important! And he will kill you!" Caroline had said desperately.

Liz had still looked at Caroline in bewilderment, then she had turned to face Damon.

"Then please kill me, right now! I can't stand this! Please!" Liz had screamed.

I had watched how Damon had approached her slowly, his face only inches away from hers. Oh my god, he wouldn't … no, he can't kill her! Caroline just saved his life! He can't kill her mother! And his friend … But I know what he is capable of, I had thought gasping.

The moment he had gripped Liz and raised her up, I had screamed. And had recognized that I hadn't been the only one.

"Relax guys. No one's killing anybody! Did you really believe …?" Damon had started.

I had looked up to him with an unbelievable certainty in my eyes.

"Oh yes, Damon, I believed you would kill the mother of the person who just saved your life. Because you are not only a professional in burying dead bodies …" I had replied angrily.

"She is my friend, Elena." He had shouted.

"That doesn't keep you necessarily from killing the person, Damon!" I had hissed.

"Believe what you want, Elena."

Without any further comment he had taken Liz' arm and dragged her out of the cave.

On the way back to the Salvatore mansion we had put up a plan to solve our problem with Liz. We had decided that it would be the best for her and for us that she gets compelled to forget everything that has happened today and while the vervain leaves her system she should stay in the cellar of the mansion where Damon will have an eye on her.

I'm so sorry for, Caroline. She already has to deal with her new nature, with the blood thirst and with the break – up between her and Matt and now she has to deal with her mother, too.

The person that had shocked me the most had been Damon. When Caroline had come back with some clothes for her mother and we had walked down the stairs to the cellar, we had heard how Liz had told Damon to keep Caroline away from her … and that Caroline isn't her daughter anymore, that her daughter is gone. I had frozen immediately and turned my head to Caroline. Her expression had shown me something between sadness and disbelief. I had just been about to drag her way from the room when I had heard Damon say "You have no idea how wrong you are about that" in a quite but very concerned voice. I had been so surprised that I had remained where I had stood, my arm on Caroline's shoulder.

Did Damon really say that? Did he defend Caroline? Did he even admit that Caroline deals with her situation better than he ever had expected? I had thought. I think this had been the first time since a long while that I had asked myself weather there might nevertheless be a part inside him that cared about other people or not … in this short moment he had shown me that he can be selfless … he hadn't wanted to kill Liz although it would have been the easiest and safest way for him but he takes the risk to let her live. I hadn't have more time to think about Damon because Caroline had let the suitcase drop to the ground, turned around and rushed up the stairs.

I had wanted to follow but when I had passed the room with the refrigerator where Damon keeps his bloodbags, I had frozen. I had seen Stefan standing in front of it, one of the bloodbags in his hand and I hadn't really liked the expression on his face. And I had been right, I really don't like the idea, I had nearly been able to read on his forehead. He wants to start drinking human blood again to be able to protect me and to learn how to control himself. I had wanted to remind him of the last time he had drunk human blood and that it is not necessary, that we will find a way to deal with Katherine but he hadn't wanted to listen. The whole conversation had ended in the fight, we had faked all day. But this time it had been real.

In the end I had just left him alone with his bloodbags … I hadn't been able to stand this any longer! We have already enough problems! Why does he have to make it even more complicated? When I had entered the living room I had had the next problem right in front of me. Caroline had sat on the couch, tears shimmering in her eyes. I had placed myself beside her just about to tell her some calming words when she had started to tell me everything; everything that Katherine had done to her the last days; and that she had done all this because Katherine had threatened to kill Matt. And what friend am I to hate her for protecting the one person she loves the most? I had taken her in my arms and tried to calm her instead.

And here I am now. But writing everything down that has happened today didn't really help. I'm still … confused, unsure, afraid. Since Katherine had come back to this town and Mason had appeared my whole word had turned upside down. There is so much … death around here at the moment, so much fear. And I absolutely don't know what to do ...

Elena


	24. Maybe I was wrong (Elena)

**Maybe I was wrong (Elena) **

I shut my dairy and put it into my bag. I just wanted to leave the living room when I heard steps coming up the stairs from the cellar. Seconds later Damon was closing the door behind him and approached me.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I'm going home." I said convinced, walked past him and wanted to open the door.

"Wait …"

"What?" I said edgy.

"Listen …. Elena … I have heard your fight with Stefan in the cellar … about him drinking human blood …"

"And you want tell me that you finally reached your goal with all your provocations – finally he becomes a real vampire again!"

"Sometimes I really would love to kill you for your stubbornness and your veeeery Katherine-like comments!"

This … ass… vampire! I was just about to open my mouth again to protest when he approached me and lay his finger on my lips.

"I said listen!" He commanded, his eyes staring into mine.

I shut my mouth and looked back at him hatefully. Who does he think he is that he can command me to shut my mouth?

"Try to understand him. It is not easy for him … Katherine threatens him to kill the person he loves the most on earth. It is only logical that he wants to be able to protect you …"

"But he …" I screamed, lowering my voice immediately because I didn't want to wake up Caroline. "But he doesn't have to drink human blood to protect me! You know how it had ended the last time! Do you really want deal with such a Stefan again?"

"No, definitely not but … trust him. He can deal with it. He can learn to control it."

"How has that happened?"

"What?"

"That you care about him! Yesterday you couldn't get away from us fast enough with your little bitch, not even slightly interested in our problem and now you suddenly care? Suddenly your bother is more important than Bourbon and bitches?"

"I'm just worried, Elena", he replied aloof.

"It isn't the best time to cause a fight now. We have enough problems we have to face, especially with Mason trying to stir up the whole town against us, and it would be really useful to have another real vampire with real powers!"

"Have you finished?"

"Yes."

"Good."

With that I opened the door and stormed out into the darkness. I opened my car, let me fall onto the seat and let my head drop onto the steering wheel. Gosh! This whole day had been pure chaos! Caroline showed her mum her real nature, now we have Liz in the Salvatore cellar and Caroline totally sad and afraid on the couch, a vampire-boyfriend who desperately wants to go back to the roots in the most outrageous moment possible and Damon suddenly decides that he needs the help of others instead of doing everything alone - and surprises me the 2nd time a day!

I will never be able to understand THIS weird mind! Yesterday he runs half naked through the Salvatore mansion with some brunet top model and today? He tries to convince me to trust Stefan – his own brother he always pretends to hate. He wants to save my relationship with him … in his own weird way. How … why have I been so furious? I was mean, I was ungrateful. All that Stefan wants is to protect me. To save my life and the life of my family and friends. He wants to try it, to take the risk. He wants to learn to control himself. And what did I do? Not what I was supposed to do. I should have supported him. I'm his girlfriend. And as his girlfriend I don't want him to drink just any blood. If he wants do this, then we need to do this together. Then it will be my blood …

I opened the door from my car again and ran back to the Salvatore mansion. In the moment I wanted to knock, the door swung open and Damon was grinning at me.

"I thought 5 minutes would be enough for you to recognize how stupid you were. And tada I was right."

"Very funny, Damon." I said sarcastically but deep inside I smiled. Somehow he knows me really quite well.

"And Stefan didn't drink the blood from the refrigerator. I thought you should know this."

He walked past me and wanted to leave. Damn it, Elena! Don't be so stubborn! He did this; he fixed your relationship with Stefan! Without him you would have driven home and played the diva who is angry about her boyfriend because he doesn't want to do what she wants him to do.

"Damon …"

He turned around and faced me, a surprised expression on his face.

"Thank you. For everything. What you did for Car's mom … and for me and Stefan … that was the Damon who was my friend."

"I just didn't want to have to endure a vampire-brother who is crying all night into his pillow because of a girl", he said grinning but within seconds his smile disappeared and he became serious again. "You are welcome. And now go … fix it."

I smiled at him.

"Good night, Damon."

"Good night, Elena", he replied, his voice low.

Then he left through the door into the darkness. I turned around and while I was searching for Stefan I couldn't get one though out of my head: Maybe I was wrong …


	25. Sleepless Night (Damon)

**Sleepless Night (Damon)**

* * *

**Half Life - Duncan Sheik**

_It's one of those moments_  
_When everything is so clear  
Before the truth goes back into hiding  
I want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding  
To work on finding something more than this fear_

It takes so much out of me to pretend  
I keep trying to understand  
This thing and that thing, my fellow man  
I guess I'll let you know  
When I figure it out

'cause lately something here don't feel right  
This is just a half-life,  
Without you I am breaking down  
Wake me, I wanna see the daylight  
Save me from this half-life

_C'mon lets fall in love ..._

* * *

I was standing on the balcony, my arms supported on the balustrade and starred into the endless darkness. Megan was lying in my bed, sleeping. I had compelled her to stay one more night in Mystic Falls but somehow it just feels … wrong. Everything that yesterday had felt so right feels totally wrong now.

I could slap myself! I had promised myself not to give her the force to hurt me anymore … to protect myself. I had promised myself to be the old Damon again … and what happens? As harder I try to be the mean, arrogant, selfish person I used to be, the more I become exactly the opposite …

I'm such an idiot! Idiot! Idiot! The whole time I had been listening to their fight in the cellar, I had thought it would be perfect. Finally they would break up and I wouldn't have to stand the two lovebirds anymore! And already while having had these thoughts, I had known that I was lying to myself. What would it change if they break up? Elena would come running into my arms and I would calm her? Don't be stupid, Damon! It will never be you! Never! She made that very clear.

And actually … what could I offer her? She deserves something better. Someone better. Someone who is capable to love her the way she deserves it, to show her how beautiful, how special, how amazing she is. Someone she can trust, who is there for her whenever she needs him, someone who would die for her. She needs Stefan. And not me, a selfish man who lies, who manipulates people, who uses them for his purposes, who betrays them, who thinks only about himself, who kills people and who is not worth of the slightest trust …

And in that moment I realized something. I realized that I wasn't the person anymore I was just thinking about. I know that I'm way beyond being such a perfect person as Stefan is but nevertheless … nevertheless I … I had changed. SHE had changed me. And that is the reason why I just can't be as bad, as cold, as selfish as I used to be anymore … because she showed me that there was a different … a better side of me.

Today I had been everything but selfish. I had saved Liz. I had promised to help her. In the past I would just have killed her! I wouldn't have thought about it – not even a second. A danger – eradicate it! But when I had seen Caroline sitting there; desperately trying to convince her mother not to tell anyone; and when I think of what Liz and I had managed to do together; all the evil we killed together; while she didn't even know that I belonged to the demons she was trying to get rid of … you can really say she became my friend in a way …

And then Elena … and Stefan. I had helped them fix their relationship! And why had I done that? Because I had known that I wouldn't have been able to stand it. I wouldn't have been able to stand the sadness in her eyes. I hadn't cared about how I felt, I still don't care. I can be … alone; as long as she is happy.

And my brother … I hadn't done it because I didn't want to endure their suffering. I want both of them to be happy. I want my brother to be happy. Because he deserves her. Because he loves her. And as long as she is happy, I'm happy, too. Even if it hurts.

And today she had given me the most wonderful reward for being so selfless. She had smiled at me. Her wonderful smile . Without hatred. Without anger. And all I see now when I stare into the darkness is this smile; and I know that I did the right thing …

I had promised myself that night when we had had the fight and she had told me I had lost her forever that I don't need her anymore, that I can live without her; but that was a lie. I need her more than any other person on this earth. I had become a totally different person with her help and I didn't even recognize it myself. She makes me kind of … complete. And I care about her a lot more than I want to admit …

And in this moment I made a decision. She can go on hating me as much as she wants; I will protect her with my life; I will keep her save.

I looked up to the moon and smiled, thinking that she might do exactly the same in this moment, sitting on her window board with her diary on her legs writing about what has happened today, writing about Caroline and Liz, about our werewolf problem, about Katherine, about Stefan … and maybe, maybe she even writes about me …

I turned around and closed the balcony doors behind me. Then I woke Megan up and told her to leave town immediately.


	26. The Decision (Elena)

**The Decision (Elena) **

I was sitting on an uncomfortable hospital chair, staring onto the ground in front of me, waiting for Jeremy to return with coffee.

I can't believe how much time, how many events, lay between this morning and now.

When I had woken up with Stefan beside me, I had just felt happy. I had thought that everything will change now, that things will finally turn out good. We hadn't thought about Katherine, about Mason, about all other problems. But how fast had that changed?

Everything had started with the Lockwood's Charity Event; another one of those thousand Mystic Falls festivities. A masquerade ball. The first thing in a row of bad events had been that Jenna had told Stefan she had heard us … damn it! Everyone should have believed that Stefan and I had been taking a break and everyone who had known that it had only been a fake had automatically been in danger.

Then I had met Bonnie. I know she is my friend but I don't understand her. She had complained about me keeping things from her and at the same moment she had made it very clear that she doesn't want to have to do only the slightest thing with vampires. How shall that ever work? Does she really want me to choose a side – her side? She still can't believe that Caroline is a vampire. She still hates her and she still believes that it is all Damon's fault. But what shall I do? Force her to spend time with Caroline? Imprison both in one room? It is Bonnie's decision but Caroline is still her friend; she should decide what is more important for her - fight against vampires, against her friend and be on the side all her ancestors were on or try to see it from a different point of view, from her own point of view; a less black and white one.

I had thought that it couldn't have gotten worse; and always when you have such a thought it gets immediately worse! I had been lost in my thoughts when Damon had appeared behind me. And what he had told me; had definitely not made me happy. Jeremy had been following him, wanting to play the hero and help us! Great! As if I wouldn't have had to worry about enough people! Katherine, that she recognizes that Stefan and I only fake a break-up, Caroline who can't deal with her mother's reaction, Jenna who seems to know more than is good for her, Bonnie who still talks about choosing sides and now Jeremy! Only the image of him in a battle with Katherine lets me shiver! I should seriously consider to get rid of his ring; maybe then he finally realizes that he is definitely NOT immortal!

And we are still not at the end of bad or better say mysterious events. Suddenly everyone had started to plan something – but without involving me! I had just been searching for Stefan when I had gotten an SMS that he is with Damon and Bonnie and fills me in later! Damon? AND Bonnie? No way! The whole story had ended up in a plan to track down Mason with Bonnie's help so that Damon can get information from him about the moonstone – which he had gotten and which Stefan hadn't let me know about. He had just left, without me! But who am I that I let him tell me what I shall do or not! I had had a right to know what had been going on so I had followed him. And while Damon had been torturing Mason to get as much information as possible only to kill him in the end, I had saved Stefan out of a well spiked with vervain and snakes AND gotten the moonstone with the help of Bonnie and Caroline.

I had been more than happy when I had finally been able to go home; only to experience the most shocking event of the day. Ric and Jenna had been at home, cooking dinner when I had arrived. I had gone upstairs to change my clothes when Stefan had called me. Damon hadn't been able to resist calling Katherine and telling her that her nice little toy isn't quite … intact anymore and that he had found the moonstone. Very clever, Damon had been all I had thought! I can understand that he loves to tease people but it would have been better to think first and then act when it comes to teasing Katherine! Crossing Katherine's plan is not the best idea. It always ends up in revenge and that ends up in chaos.

I had just been walking downstairs to help Ric and Jenna when the phone had rung. When Jenna had handed me the phone and I had heard the very familiar voice, I had frozen. Katherine. While she had told me that she had replaced Jenna's vervain perfume and compelled her to stop drinking vervain to spy on Stefan and me I had slowly realized what that means. She knows; and she wants revenge. In this moment I had turned around to face Ric and Jenna only to see my aunt with a knife held high and before I could have stopped her she had stabbed it into her stomach.

And here I am now; that's how I had ended on an uncomfortable chair in a hospital. Thank god Jenna will be alright and she hadn't hurt herself too serious. But it doesn't mean that everything is alright. Because it is not. Nothing is alright. Katherine had made it very clear that if we don't follow her instructions she will kill every person that means something to me. Bonnie; Matt; Jeremy. I can't let that happen! It would be my fault! My own fault because I didn't listen to her! I know, I had promised that nothing will ever come between Stefan and me, that everything, the whole fights, are only a fake but by being so stupid to believe that Katherine will not see through our little play, I had nearly lost Jenna.

I buried my face into my hands, tears dripping onto the ground.

If Jenna would have died, it would have been MY fault. Katherine already had come between Stefan and me – from the very first moment she had set a foot into this town. She wants him, wants him back and I'm in her way. I'm the … substitute. Is she right? What if Stefan only sees her in me? What if he only had onky fallen in love with me because I resemble her so much? Maybe he doesn't even know: maybe it had just happened without him even recognizing. In 1864 he had totally fallen in love with this beautiful manipulative woman from the very first moment he had seen her. Maybe he had only fallen in love with me because I had just unleashed the same emotion he had felt such a long time ago …

What the hell, Elena! Stop thinking such nonsense! He had told you that he had fallen in love with Elena! With me! And that I am totally different. But does that mean he love me as much as he had loved her, too? He is convinced that Katherine had compelled him all the time, compelled him to love her. I don't believe it. I know that Katherine is capable of everything, even forcing someone to love her but she is not for nothing my ancestor. Even if I don't know her history and even if we are so different in so many ways; I had recognized something that had shown me that she isn't incapable of love; and that had been when I first had met her. The look she had given Stefan, the … passion in her voice; the chemistry between them. It had been different; different from how it is between Stefan and me. So does he really love me as much as he had loved her? Elena! Stop it! This is not about Stefan's love for you or his love for Katherine; this is about life and death.

The whole day, the whole days had just been too much. I can't think clearly anymore; but actually I have to. I have to make a decision because it can't go on like this. I don't want to risk more lives, the lives of my friends just because Stefan and I are together. There is only one way to save them, to be sure that nothing and nobody is going to hurt them and that is to do what Katherine demands. She wants him and she won't stop until she has what she wants; even if that means that she has to lay the whole town with all its residents into ashes. Even if it breaks my heart and tears me into pieces, I have to do it. I have to let go what she wants. I have to leave him; I have to leave Stefan; it is the only way.

A last tear dropped to the ground. I stood up, determined, and searched for Jeremy. Then I got into my car and pursued the way to the Salvatore mansion.


	27. It doesn't matter, Damon (Elena)

**It doesn't matter, Damon (Elena) **

* * *

**Wires - Athlete**

_You got wires, going in_  
_You got wires, coming out of your skin  
You got tears, making tracks  
I got tears, that are scared of the facts_

I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes  
You'll be alright  
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes  
You'll be alright

Alright ...  


* * *

It has never been so hard to leave my car, walk to the entrance and knock at the door of the Salvatore's than in this minute. I was trembling.

_Is it really the right decision? Shall I really do it? _

The door swung open; and my bravery disappeared.

_Am I really able to do that? To look into Stefan's face while telling him that we have no other choice? _

But it was Damon who opened the door. I took a deep breath.

"Elena … I …" he began and I could see that he felt unbelievable guilty.

In this moment I didn't know if I was angry with him, if I should hate him for killing Mason and infuriating Katherine. But actually; it is not his fault. It was only the last piece that had been missing to let everything crash down. Katherine would have made Jenna stab herself, with Damon's call or without it; it was only a matter of time. But I had a way more important mission to complete at the moment; a mission I already regretted.

"Where is Stefan?" I interrupted him while walking past him, all my thoughts circling around the conversation I had to do. My face must have shown him my sadness and despair because his expression turned even guiltier.

"He's … he's in the living room … at the end of the hallway. Elena, I'm …" he began again but I didn't listen.

If I would have stopped now and talked to Damon, I wouldn't have been able to do what I had to do.

When I reached the living room, I stopped for a moment and took a deep breath; then I entered the room.

Stefan was standing with his face to the chimney, his arms folded in front of his chest, looking down to the ground. In this moment all I wanted was to turn around and leave immediately.

_I can't do this. Damn, I can't do this. I can't hurt him. But I have to!_

I stopped at the stairhead and he turned around. When I looked into his face, full of sadness, full of regret, full of guilty, tears shimmering in his eyes, it broke my heart. I had never seen him so sad. Not after he had lost Lexi, not after he had decided to leave town because he hadn't wanted to risk my life and not after he had come to my bedroom to apologize for having lost control after he had started to drink human blood again. He shook his head, desperately trying not to start crying.

"I'm so sorry" he apologized, his voice trembling.

I started to walk down the stairs, tears starting to build up in my eyes.

"We were stupid, stupid thinking that our little show would work. That Katherine wouldn't recognize that everything was a fake."

"I know, I know. I should have known it. I know what she is capable of", he replied.

"We did this. Stefan, Jenna is in the hospital and Jeremy could be next, or Bonnie, Caroline, Matt …" I said, my voice breaking at the end. "And this is all because of US, because we didn't listen. Katherine will never stop, She will go on threatening, hurting, killing the people we love until she has what she wants. Until she has you. Everything, everything that has happened and will happen, is because of US, because we are together."

His face turned white. He knew what I was about to say. I took another deep breath then I walked towards him.

"Stefan …" I began.

"I know what you want to say …" his voice trembling, his breathing unsteady.

"Then let me say it. I have been so selfish because I love you so much … and I know how much you love me …" My eyes filled with tears, my voice became rough and trembled as I went on "But it's over …"

Stefan shook his head, still desperately trying to hold back the tears.

"Elena …" he began.

But I couldn't let him talk. I knew if he would start talking, start to convince me that we would find a different way, I would give in. Because all I wanted in this moment, was to take him into my arms, to kiss him, to say that everything would be alright, that we would be together, that nothing could come between us. But it would have been a lie; a lie and a risk I could not take.

"Stefan, it has to be."

He shook his head and wanted to turn his face away, to hide his tears. I couldn't see him like that, so sad, so desperate, so heartbroken. I took his face into my hands, and turned it to look into his teary eyes.

"It has to be" I whispered.

For a long second we both stared into each other eyes, both knowing that it was the only possible way, both knowing that we had to endure this, to accept that we lost. I looked to the ground because I couldn't stand his look, his whole presence any longer, knowing that I had to give him up, that I couldn't be together with him anymore.

Before I turned around to leave I gave him one last, desperate kiss, the last kiss we were ever allowed to exchange. I looked into his eyes a last time, the eyes which became so familiar to me. The eyes I wanted to look into every morning when I wake up for the rest of my life. Eyes I never wanted to see like this.

Within a few days all my dreams and hopes had been destroyed by one single person.

_I can't stand this any longer. I have to get away from here. _

I turned around and left the living room without turning. If I had turned around on the stairhead to face him one last time, I would have been running downstairs immediately, into his arms and begged him to forget everything I just had said.

I stumbled down the hallway, back to the front door. Tears were running down my cheeks, leaving black tracks behind. With one hand I tried to grip hold onto the wall beside me, trying not to collapse, the other one I pressed onto my stomach – as if to hold myself together. And that was the way I felt. I felt as if I would be torn apart. Ripped into pieces. My breathing was heavy, unsteady and chopped - I thought I would suffocate. I reached the door. I wanted to leave this place as fast as possible otherwise I would break down. In this moment I heard a soft voice behind me.

"Elena …"

I turned around. Damon stood in the entrance of the living room opposite the front door. He wanted to start saying something but when he saw my face, tears still running down my cheeks, black tracks under my eyes, he fell silent. He walked towards me, unsure what to say, his face full of worry, heartfelt sympathy and guilty.

"I …I riled Katherine up. I never wanted this to happen."

I couldn't look into his regretful eyes, it was too much. All I wanted was to leave.

I … I wasn't thinking. I didn't think" he said and I could hear in his voice how much he hated himself for what he did.

"It doesn't matter, Damon." I interrupted him.

He wanted to go on but fell silent again, surprised by my reaction. He must have expected that I would say that it is his entire fault and that I hate him.

"She won. Katherine won."

I looked into his eyes and he was looking back into mine, slowly understanding what I was talking about. His expression became even sadder and more compassionated which caused another flood of tears building up in my eyes. I tore the door open and ran into the cold dark night.

_I want to get away from here! _

I was uncontrollable sobbing and laborious breathing now.

Suddenly a hand gripped my arm and turned me around. Astonished I looked into a pair of deep blue eyes. He had followed me. Damon had followed me and was starring intensely into my eyes now, still a sad and compassionated expression on his face.

_He shall stop it! He shall stop looking at me like this because I can't stand it!_

"What?" I said.

It sounded angrier that I had indented to. I must have put Damon off his stride with my reaction because he opened his mouth but didn't say a word and just stared at me.

"I … I just wanted to make sure if you are alright. You looked so … sad" he said in a low, nearly shy voice.

"I'm fine, Damon. Okay? I just want to go home."

"I can't let you drive in this condition. Let me drive you."

I didn't want to do this but the whole evening had been a nightmare and I was so churned up inside that I didn't have my emotions under control. All I wanted was to be alone! To get into my car, drive back home, close the door of my bedroom and collapse. I couldn't keep the façade up any longer. Not one second.

"Leave me alone, Damon! Just leave me alone!" I screamed sobbing, tears starting to run down my cheeks again.

I wrenched my arm out of Damon's grip, turned around and ran to my car. I pushed the keys into the lock and got into the car as fast as possible. I was afraid that Damon would follow me again but he didn't appear behind me. When I scorched along the driveway of the Salvatore mansion and looked into the rear – view mirror I could see Damon standing in the darkness, unmovable, gazing after my car.


	28. I can't let you go (DamonElena)

**I can't let you go (Damon/Elena) **

* * *

**Unbreak - Ryan Star**  
_  
I wanna know your whole skin, every mark, every inch  
I wanna heal your pain, don't be scared, let me in  
Lay yourself down, I will comfort you, I will comfort you  
Until the stars fall around us_

I wish I knew you when eyes were white and innocent  
If I could cut through time, I'd hold you close, make you mine  
Stay where you are, and I will come for you, I will comfort you  
Until the stars fall around us

For every dream that you lost, every tear that it cost  
All the pain that you feel, let this moment be real  
We can make it alright, you and me here tonight  
I will undo the hurt 'til it feels like I'm the first  
I will unbreak you ...

* * *

**Damon **

I was staring after Elena's car which was slowly disappearing into the darkness, incapable to move. I didn't know what to think. My mind was totally empty. Slowly I turned around and walked back to the mansion.

_Now she knows what it means to get hurt, to endure unbelievable pain, to lose the person who means everything in the world to you … _

Damon! I wanted to slap myself immediately for these thoughts. How could I ever think that? Yes, she had hurt me more than a person had ever before but nevertheless; she doesn't deserve all of this. Not Elena.

I walked through the entrance and closed the door silently behind me. I leaned against it and ran my fingers through my hair.

I had listened to the whole conversation, to every tear … and it had broken my heart. I should be happy, finally Stefan doesn't get the woman he wants; finally he has to feel what it means to be alone, too. But as much as I wanted to be happy and enjoy this fact; I couldn't. All I could feel was a deep sadness and pity for my brother, because I know what it means to get your heart ripped out and cut into pieces. I experienced it; two times.

Elena had lost her most important person in the world, her light that was guiding her; she had to give it up because of this bitch, this monster. Anger rose up inside me and I clenched my fist. Katherine, hurt me as much as you want, tell me that you hadn't loved me even one second of your whole damn fuckin' life, tear my heart into pieces and take a stake to stab every little piece of it - I can accept it, I can survive it. But what I can never endure in my whole life is that you hurt Elena! That you took away her beautiful smile, the brightness in her eyes and left nothing but tears.

Her eyes when she had turned around to face me at the door; she can call me a monster, can tell me that I had lost her forever as often as she wants; nothing ever hit me that much to the core than her tears. In that moment all the brightness I loved so much was gone and nothing was left but an unbelievable sadness.

When I had gripped her by the arm and turned her around in the darkness in front of the manor; I will never forget that image. Tears running over her cheeks, leaving nothing but dark tracks on her skin. When she desperately had wrenched her arm from my grip and screamed "Leave me alone"; all the despair in these few words, all the sadness. In that moment she had resembled me so much and that was something that never ever should have happened to her, she never should have felt like this, never looked … lost. Nowhere to go, nobody to hold onto. I put a hand on my stomach and desperately tried to hold back the tears which where building up in my eyes.

_This image of her eyes tears me into pieces!_

I know what I had promised. I had promised myself to stay away from her, to stop giving her the force to hurt me; but I had also promised to protect her, to keep her save, to be there for her when she has nowhere to run to, nobody to hold onto.

I'm such an idiot! An unbelievable idiot! Why the hell did I let her go? In such a condition? She had said I should lever her alone but even if she would have slapped me, beaten me; all I should have done in this moment was to take her into my arms! To be there for her.

I know that I might be the last person she wants to see right now; but nevertheless … I feel that she needs someone right now; that she needs me right now.

I ran into the living room, gripped my leather jacket and slammed the door behind me. I jumped into my Chevrolet, stepped on the gas and left the manor with squeaking tires.

**Elena **

I was driving along a lonely road. It had begun to rain and there was nothing but darkness around me. The surrounding outside the window of my car matched how I felt in the inside. Empty, exhausted, lost. Tears were still running down my cheeks and made it nearly impossible for me to see the road in front of me. I was steadily sobbing and my breathing was labored which made it difficult for me to keep my concentration up. I was barely paying attention to the road, thoughts, images, voices where swirling around in my head.

_"__It's over … it has to be."_

_Stefan's tears … _

_"__Katherine won." _

_"__You looked so … sad."_

_Damon's sad pitiful eyes … _

I was just wiping away my tears with the sleeve of my arm when a terrible sound let me startle. The horn of a car; its lights only inches away from me. I pulled the steering wheel around as hard as I could. The car missed me only by inches. But through my sudden change in course my car drove of the road onto the wet grass at the shoulder where it couldn't find its grip back. I was sliding over the wet ground and into a ditch where the car finally came to a stop. I was breathing heavily and my whole body was shaking. I nearly had caused an accident which might have ended deadly for me. And now I was sitting here; in the darkness; alone; nowhere I could run to; nobody who could help me. My hands were firmly clasping the steering wheel. Slowly I started to cry again, lowering my head onto the steering wheel. I was lost …

**Damon **

I was driving along a lonely road, desperately hoping that nothing had happened to her. I would never forgive myself.

_I have to find her … _

My thoughts were divagating; to the time I had first met her; how she had suddenly turned around and looked into my eyes; how I had given her a kiss on her hand. I smiled. Even if I hadn't shown it to her or Stefan; I had fallen for her the very first moment I had see her; when I had looked into her dark brown eyes.

New images flashed up before my eyes.

Me trying to steal a kiss from her through compulsion, not knowing that Stefan had already given her vervain so it had ended up with a slam directly into my face …

The same evening, when I had visited her in her bedroom while she had been sleeping. She had looked so peaceful. Immediately the image of her tears came back … in that night everything had still been alright, everything had been alright when I had gently stroked with my hand over her face, feeling her soft skin against mine. I hadn't seen Katherine in her in that moment. All I had seen was the most beautiful and lovely woman I had ever met in my life and who couldn't be more different from the manipulative bitch I had used to love …

The next moment I remembered was when Stefan had killed Vicky. She had been kneeling on the ground and when she had looked up her eyes were full of hatred.

_"__You did this. This is all your fault."_

And I had gotten another slam into my face. I had to smile again. I think she is the only woman who is allowed to beat me that often without ending up with fangs in her skin or a snapped neck.

When I had saved her out of the car after the accident, having her in my arms; the day we had spend in Georgia; the fun we had had …

Her betrayal when she and Stefan had promised to help me to get the grimour and in the end they had searched for it alone, to find it before I could have gotten it into my hands; when I had gripped Elena and given her my blood; her fearful eyes when I had let her go and she had been save in Stefan's arms …

_"__I didn't compel you in Atlanta because we were having fun … and I wanted it to be real."_

The electricity in that short moment when I had put the vervain necklace back around her neck and she had been staring into my eyes and I back into hers …

When I had stood alone in the darkness after I had found out that Katherine had never been in the tomb for all these years; suddenly a person coming out of the darkness; a light; Elena; taking me into her arms …

_"__Her name was Isobel. Go on, reminiscent about how you killed her."_

_Elena in the rain; desperately wanting to save Stefan; me taking her face into my hands, trying to calm her … _

_Elena walking down the stair in her long blue dress; towards … me … _

_We both sitting on the cold dark cellar ground in front of Stefan's cell … _

_"__You can trust me" … _

_"__Cause he is in love with you" … _

_"__When she needs a friend to talk to about anything, I'm here for her" … _

_"__There is something going on between the two of us" … her lips on mine … Jeremy … _

_Flames … "I didn't do it for you" … _

_"__I hate you, Damon Salvatore. You are a monster." … _

_A Ferris Wheel …_

_An arrow … _

_"__You have lost me forever" … _

_Tears … _

_A dance … a dance I will never forget … a moment I will never forget … _

The images and voices had started to flash unbelievable fast before my eyes. I gripped the steering wheel tighter. My breathing quickened. Suddenly I realized one fact; a fact I couldn't run away from any longer: I don't care about Elena; no … I love her … with all my heart … more than I have ever loved a woman before …

I floored the gas pedal, scorching through the darkness …


	29. I'm gonna make it right (DamonElena)

**I'm gonna make it right (Damon/Elena) **

* * *

**Gonna make it right - Ryan Star**

_I'm so damn tired  
Both hands on the wheel  
And I call you now  
Cuz you know how it feels_

I'm leaning on you again  
Cuz I know you understand

I'm not giving up, I'm not giving in  
And if it kills me, then I know I lived

Gonna make it right  
Gonna make it right  
I've been knocked down, but I've got one more fight  
I'm running in the night  
I'm running to the light  
This is the time and the place, and I swear  
That I'm gonna make it right

* * *

**Elena **

I was starting to freeze. My wet clothes were sticking to my body; but it didn't matter. I barely recognized it. Not only that I am lost … I also lost every person that means something to me.

I lost Bonnie … because she is a witch; because she hates vampires and I'm in love with one. I'm on the side of the evil, the demons …

I had lost Caroline … the old Caroline; the human; because of a vampire; because a vampire had wanted revenge. Now she has to live a life that doesn't allow it to her to have a human boyfriend, to have a normal relationship with her mother; and she is condemned to live this life for all eternity …

I had lost Jeremy … before everything had happened, he had been a normal teenager. It might be an insane wish but … in this moment I hoped that we would be back to the time after our parents had died, when he had taken drugs, when nothing had interested him. Because at this time he hadn't known about vampires, about werewolves; he hadn't been involved in all this misery; this danger …

I had lost Stefan … because we aren't allowed to be together; because we would risk the life of every single person who means something to us …

And I had lost … Damon.

In this moment, I realized that I had hurt him. Hurt him more than I had hurt a person before. And that I had been indeed wrong. How … I'm … I deserve this; I deserve to sit here, alone, without anybody; because I had inflicted all this pain on him. He was right; I'm nothing better than Katherine.

_"__I hate you, Damon Salvatore."_

_"__You are a monster."_

_"__You have lost me forever."_

_"__You are incapable of feeling anything!" _

My own words kept repeating over and over again in my mind. He isn't a monster. He never has been one; I am the only monster. He had come to me that night to tell me that he … feels something for me, that there is more between us, a special … chemistry. He had kissed me; and I had felt it, too.

And then he had made that terrible mistake; a mistake I had never wanted to know the reason of. I had never asked him why he had come to me, totally drunk, why he had killed Jeremy. I had been the only person who had believed that there was still something good in Damon and in that moment I had forgotten it. I had forgotten that there IS something good in Damon; that he would never have killed Jeremy without a reason, just for fun. Because he had never done something to hurt me intentionally; because he cares about me.

And what had I done? I had told him again and again that he isn't good, that he is pure evil, not able to love; not seeing that he had done it all the time, that he had done all of this … out of love. I had believed in him, shown him that he can be different, that he doesn't have to be bad, to be alone … and in the end? What had I done in the end? I had left him; left him alone in the darkness; shown him that there is no hope for him, nobody who cares about him; that I hate him … I never hated him. Deep inside of me, in my heart, I had known all the time that I could never hate him, never. Because I care about him. Because he means something to me. Because I had never wanted to lose him …

What did I do? Damn, what did I do? God, and nevertheless; nevertheless all these words, all this hate I had shown him, he had fixed my relationship with Stefan. And today; today he had run after me, wanting to help me, to be there for me, asking me shyly, afraid to be rejected, if he should drive me home; after all I had done to him, after all I had said to him …

How had he endured all of this? My hatred, my disgust, my distrust, my rejections … after all that Katherine had done to him. I had treated him like … a monster, a person who doesn't deserve to be loved. This must have been more than a person can stand …

Tears started to run down my cheeks again when I thought of the endless sadness I had seen in his deep blue eyes; the sadness I am responsible for. What did I do? What the hell did I do? Can I fix it? Can I make it right? Or is it … too late?

I slammed my fist onto the steering wheel; then I jumped out of the car into the rain.

"Why?" I screamed, looking up to the dark clouds that were chasing over the sky. "Why does all of this has to happen?" I pushed my foot again and again into the front door of my car, tears running down my cheeks. Heavily breathing I leaned with my back against the car and slowly slid down the door until I sat on the cold, wet, dirty ground. I pulled my knees to my chest, buried my face into my hands and sobbed silently …

**Damon**

I was still rushing through the endless night; everything was wrapped in silence and darkness. One single thought, one prayer was repeating over and over again in my mind: Please let nothing has happened to her, let me find her!

Still lost in my thoughts, I suddenly recoiled. I felt something; I felt … her. I couldn't describe this unbelievable strong feeling because I have never felt it before but it told me that she has to be very close. My breathing quickened and I pushed the gas pedal even harder. Suddenly a huge black shape appeared out of the darkness a bit off the road in a ditch. Elena's car! Please no, no! I pushed the brake and my car came to a stop with a loud squeak. While I jumped out of the car, I could hear her voice scream and a crashing sound as if she would hit her car.

_Thank god she is alive!_

I wanted to rush over to her but I stopped in the movement.

_Am I doing the right thing? Shall I … go to her? Or shall I call Stefan? Am I really the right person to be here now? To help her? What if she doesn't want to … _

A sobbing that hit me to the core interrupted my thoughts. She needs somebody right now, even if she would prefer someone else …

Slowly I walked towards her. She was sitting on the wet and dirty ground now, her knees pulled to her chest and her face buried in her hands. The image broke my heart. It was as if someone would have pushed a stake directly into my heart and let it shatter into a million pieces. I had never seen her like this before, so helpless, so desperate, so lost and alone … in the darkness …

When I stood in front of her, I slowly kneeled down. She was so lost in her thoughts, in her tears, that she hadn't heard me approach. Slowly I lifted my hand but stopped again in the movement.

What do I have to expect when I touch her now? Anger? Hatred? She had told me to leave her alone … but I couldn't, I couldn't leave her alone like this … and I wouldn't make this mistake a second time. I took a last deep breath then I gently touched her soft skin, wet of tears and rain and took her face into my hand. Abruptly she lifted her head and looked into my eyes. If my heart had still beaten, it would have stopped for a moment now. Her eyes were reddened, dark shadows lying under them and they had never looked so sad than in this moment. For a long second she only stared into my eyes and I could see how she was fighting to suppress new tears, her whole body shaking, her lips trembling. In the same moment I wanted to take her into my arms, she wrapped her arms around my body and pressed her head against my chest, burying her tears in my jacket. I enclosed her slender body with my arms, pushing her as close as possible to myself and just hold her as tight as I could.

_I know I'm not the person you need right now, Elena but I swear I'm gonna make it right …_


	30. Can you forgive me? (Damon)

**Can you forgive me? (Damon) **

I don't know how long I had kneeled there on the ground, just holding her in my embrace, listening to her heartbeat, listening to her tears and sobs slowly becoming silent. But with the sobs gone, I noticed that she was shaking all over her body. She wasn't wearing a jacket and her soaking wet clothes were sticking to her body. I gently loosened her hands from the tight grip around my body and wanted to take off my leather jacket.

"No, Damon. Keep the jacket on, please."

She touched my hand and wanted to stop me in my movement.

"Elena, you are trembling like hell and your lips are already ice-blue. I don't want you to get ill. And I have never heard of vampires getting a cold, at least not until now." I replied frowning.

A little smile appeared on her face and even if it didn't reach her eyes it made me smile in return. I was already worried that I would never see her beautiful smile again under all this sadness and tears.

I held my jacket out to her so she could put it on. Immediately she snuggled herself down in the warm leather. The whole jacket was way too long and wide and she nearly got lost in it but it looked so cute how she sat there on the dirty ground, cuddling down in my jacket and it seemed to me that she even breathed in the scent. I had to smile again.

I changed my position and sat down beside her, my back leaning against the door of her car. Without a moment of hesitation she lowered her head onto my shoulder and for a long moment we only sat there on the ground. Nobody said a word, there was only silence and darkness around us. But she wasn't alone anymore.

Suddenly she lifted her head again and turned around to face me, a serious expression on her face.

"Why did you do this, Damon?"

I could only look at her in astonishment.

"Why did you follow me; why do you help me; after all I did to you?" Her voice broke at the end.

I wanted to say something but I just opened my mouth and closed it again not knowing what to say; how to find the right words. I was torn.

_Shall I tell her the truth; or come up with a lie? A joke? No, this isn't the right moment for a joke and I had lied to her way too often. This time she shall get the truth. Nothing but the truth._

I looked into her deep brown eyes which observed me intensively and seriously.

"Because I care about you. Because you are th … one of the most important persons in my life."

A sad smile appeared on my face. And because I love you, I thought. But I would never be able to speak these words out loud in front of her; because I know that I couldn't stand the expression in her eyes, telling me that she will never feel the same for me.

"And I couldn't stand to see you so desperate, so sad and so … lost. It reminded me too much of … myself", I whispered, facing the ground.

I didn't look up but when she hadn't said a word for nearly a minute I lifted my head. I was shocked. New tears had built up in her eyes and her breathing was labored and halting to suppress new sobs.

"Elena … I …" I began but she started to speak in the same moment so I fell silent.

"I'm so sorry, Damon" she sobbed, tears starting to run down her cheeks again. "I never meant to hurt … I never meant to do all of this to you!"

"Hey, hey … it is okay, shhhh."

I took her shoulder and tried to calm her, totally surprised by her apologize.

"No! Nothing is okay! What I did to you; what I said to you; I …. I was just so … everything was just crashing down on me; my whole world … was turned upside down … all the chaos, the death, the danger … I just needed someone to blame for all of this I think. I was so wrong about all I said; I was so wrong about everything … that you are not capable to feel anything; that … that you are monster. You are none of this! All you ever did was helping me, protecting me … and how did I thank you? By hurting you … And still! Still after I told you to leave me alone you got into your car to find me, to help me, to be there for me. After all I said … Forgive me, please forgive me …" She said, uncontrollable sobbing.

I absolutely didn't know what to say. Her words left me speechless. I would have expected everything but not that.

_I never wanted to hurt you …_

"Elena … you … you had all the right to hate me after all I did to you."

"I might have had the right to hate you because you tried to kill my brother, yes … but … I was the one who always believed that there was something good left in you, I believed in you – after all you did when you came to Mystic Falls. And then I gave up this hope, immediately, without thinking, without asking why you did it! And you, you did everything to apologize, to make it right again … and I didn't listen. I used and hurt you instead. I have never been this person … who doesn't listen, who stubbornly sticks to her opinion that a person is pure evil, who hurts people she cares about so much … Do you understand what I mean? I have been the monster! Not you … You were right, I'm nothing better than Katherine … and actually I would totally deserve to sit here alone, without anybody."

"You are NOTHING like her! Nothing!"

I didn't have the intention to the scream these words but it made me furious that she compared herself to Katherine, that I had ever said these words.

"I lied! I was just hurt in that moment because … because she had used me all the time … but you … you have nothing in common with this manipulative bitch! Never say that again okay?"

Elena only looked down to the ground and avoided my look. I took her chin with one hand and gently forced her to look me into the eyes.

"Promise me."

She wanted to wrench her head out of my grip but I didn't let her.

"Now."

"Okay, okay. I promise."

"Fine. And if you will ever break that promise you will have a huge problem with me." I said smiling and she laughed.

"I never hated you, Damon, not a single second. I wanted it. I wanted to hate you, I tried so hard to hate you but I simply couldn't! Because you mean something to me, because you are important to me – that's why I'm not capable of hating you … and … and I never wanted to hurt you. You must believe me! And I know how much you had to endure because of me, all the hatred and rejections … after all that Katherine had done to you … but … have I lost you forever? Can you ever forgive me?" Her last words were not more than a whisper.

She had asked me the same question, I asked her a few days ago. It was kind of ridiculous how the whole situation had changed within a few days. Now I was sitting in the rain with Elena by my side and she begged me to forgive HER after everything that had happened.

"Only if you answer me one question …"

She looked at me in astonishment but indicated me to go on.

"Can you forgive me everything? Can you forgive me that I tried to kill Jeremy?"

"Of course! Damon, I already forgave you the moment you were standing in my bedroom that night after the carnival; when you looked into my eyes and I saw this unbelievable sadness … I just didn't realize it! I was just … too stubborn to realize it. I … I didn't listen to my heart in that moment … it would have told me something totally different than my mind."

I smiled at her.

"You will never lose me … I forgive you" I whispered. "And now please don't cry anymore. I came to help you, not to cause even more tears."

I lifted my hand to wipe away the wet tracks the tears had left back. She gave me another beautiful smile – and this time it reached her eyes. Then she leaned her head against my shoulder again.

"What happened that night when you … killed Jeremy." She whispered after a minute of silence.

"I …" I began but fell silent again.

_Shall I tell her the whole story now? In this moment? After all that has already happened today? It is the wrong place and the wrong time. _

"I will tell you, I promise. But … but not today."

"It is okay, Damon. I can wait. I … just want to understand it and I never asked before so …"

"You will get to know the truth, you have my word when ..."

"… when the right time has come, I totally understand it, Damon."

For a longer moment we stared into the darkness again.

"Hey, how did you find me here? I mean okay I m well aware of your supernatural vampire powers for which I'm really thankful tonight but nevertheless … I could have taken every road back home. And I'm pretty sure you vampires don't have such a thing like an internal compass to find the person you search for" she joked.

"Actually … well normally we don't have the ability to locate the person we want to; even if I would appreciate such a power; but in your case … I felt that you were near. I can't explain it and I have never felt such a feeling before but … I just felt your presence; I felt that you needed someone. Even if I knew that I'm not really the person you need right now."

"No, no, you are exactly the person I need right now, Damon!" She answered without a moment of hesitation. "I don't want to sit here with someone else but you. I need exactly you right now," she went on with a concern in her voice that left me speechless.

"I'm glad to hear that." My voice was only a whisper because of her unexpected words.

When we both fall silent again, I recognized that she started to tremble again. I had totally forgotten that we were still sitting on the cold ground with the rain pouring down on us.

"Hey, I think we should go right now. We already sat here way too long. You need warm, dry clothes and a hot shower", I told her while standing up and turning around to examine the damage of her car.

"Yeah, you might be right. My fingers are already so ice-cold that I barely feel them." She replied, getting up from the ground.

"Have you parked …"

I turned around immediately when she didn't finish the sentence and only because of my vampire reflexes I was able to catch her before she could fall unconscious to the ground.

"Elena? Elena, can you hear me?"

I gently stroke over her cheek but she didn't open her eyes. I examined possible head injuries, already blaming myself for not checking if she was alright earlier but I couldn't find any abnormalities. Everything had just been too much for her today. I softly stroke over her hair then I lifted her up. All the way back to my car the only thing I could think of, was the feeling of her warm body in my arms.


	31. My savior (Elena)

**My savior (Elena) **

* * *

**May I - Trading Yesterday**

_I can see when the lights start to fade,  
the day is done and your smile has gone away.  
All I want is to keep you safe from the cold...  
to give you all that your heart needs the most._

All that's made me  
Is all worth trading  
just to have one moment with you.  
So I will let go  
_of all that I know  
knowing that you're here with me.  
_  
_May I hold you  
as you fall to sleep.  
When the world is closing in  
and you can't breathin',  
may I love you.  
May I be your shield.  
when no one can be found  
may I lay you down._

* * *

When I stood up from the ground I suddenly felt how everything started to swirl in my head. Before I could say a word or grip hold at my car, I fainted. I waited for the inevitable pain I had to feel after making contact with the hard cold ground but it didn't arrive. Instead, I felt how two soft hands caught me before my head could hit the ground and gently stroke over my hair before I was lifted up. The last thing I felt was the warmth radiating from Damon's body, his strong arms carrying me and the feeling of being protected.

When I woke up again, I didn't know where I was or what happened in the first moment. Until I heard a voice beside me.

"Did you sleep well?" Damon smiled.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Well you thought that it would be totally boring to walk all the way back to my car through the rain by yourself so you decided to fall unconscious and let yourself carry back by me." He laughed.

"Veeery funny", I replied but laughed back at him. "How long have I been unconscious?"

"Not for too long; the whole way back to your home and probably 10 minutes."

While he informed me, I recognized that we weren't on the dark road in the middle of nowhere anymore but standing in front of my house. I saw that the lights were still burning on the second floor so Jenna or Jeremy must still be up.

"I wanted to carry you to your bed first but I wasn't so eager to walk into your house with you unconscious in my arms and Jenna still being up. Somehow I had the bad feeling that she wouldn't like what she would have seen and that she would have chased me out of the house."

"Well yeah … that isn't too far-fetched. I think I must proof to her that you aren't as bad as you pretend to be."

"Thanks for the compliment." He laughed.

"By the way, a short question. What the hell do we do with my car now? I mean we can't leave it there in the ditch."

"Don't worry about that. I will hide it when I drive back to the manor. From what I saw it isn't very damaged, just a bump here and there so if I put it back onto the road you can drive it back home."

"Perfect, I wouldn't know what to tell Jenna if she would ask me where I left my car."

Damon grinned and for a moment we only sat there in the darkness of the car, both lost in our own thoughts.

"I should probably go inside now. I bet that Jenna already wonders why a car is parking in front of the house for minutes."

"Yes and you definitely need to get out of these wet clothes and take a hot shower otherwise I don't only have to play your savior but your nurse, too."

"Why can't I imagine you with a cup of tea and a clinical thermometer sitting beside my bed?" I laughed.

"Let's hope for you that I don't have to prove my nursing abilities", Damon laughed back.

For another long moment we both didn't say a word.

"Thank you … for saving me … for being there for me … I don't know what I would have done without you today … and … I'm … I'm so sorry … for everyt …" before I could finish the sentence Damon had put a finger on my lips.

"Shh … we already reasoned that out, remember?" He said; a slight smile on his face.

I smiled back at him and opened the door.

"Good night, Damon."

I was just about to leave the car when I changed my mind and turned around again. I don't know why I did this but I had the sudden urge; the feeling that it … was right. I leaned over to Damon and gave him a brief kiss on the cheek. Then I left the car quickly and walked towards the door, searching for the keys in my bag, Damon seemed to have taken out of my car when I had been unconscious. He really thought of everything.

When I had opened the door, I turned around one last time and saw how Damon touched his cheek in astonishment. I had to smile and he smiled back at me, his lips forming the words "Good night, Elena." I entered the house and locked the door behind me, a bright smile still on my face as I leaned against it.

I walked upstairs to my room and when I looked out my window I could see how Damon's car disappeared into the darkness.

While I stood under the hot shower, I reflected on everything that had happened today.

This day had been one of the saddest and at the same time most wonderful days of my life. I had lost a person who had been very important to me but at the same time I had been given back another very important one. Yes, I am more than sad about my break-up with Stefan and I feel overpowered by everything that happened: Katherine being back in town, being a constant danger and threat, Caroline being a vampire, Jeremy wanting to participate in everything going on and then the final straw - Jenna stabbing herself and my visit at the Salvatore mansion.

And nevertheless, nevertheless all the chaos, the tragedies, the sadness, I am still smiling. Smiling because of … Damon.

When I had sat there on the cold wet ground, having nobody to hold onto, nothing but darkness around me Damon had appeared and just taken me into his arms … as a light, coming to soothe me, to guide me. In my despair and sadness he had managed to make me smile – and not even once. He had let me forget my problems for a while and see everything from a different point of view, an optimistic point of view, without even saying a word; just because he had been there.

I had to smile again.

He was so different tonight. Not the usual distanced, joking Damon, no, he was serious, he was worried, he was caring. The way he had touched my cheek, my lips, how he had stroked over my hair … it was … different from what I had expected. He was so … gentle! I can still feel his hand on my cheek or the warmth of his body when he had carried me back to the car … and his soft skin under my lips when I had kissed him on the cheek. The feeling was so … surprisingly new. It was different from when I had kissed Stefan. I had felt the same feeling as in the moment when Damon had kissed me the night he had told me that there was something going on between the two of us … and it was still … weird, unusual … unforgettable.

I don't know how to interpret the feeling because it is different from everything that I have ever felt before. I only love Stefan, I totally do but nevertheless I have these feelings I can't deny; feelings I don't know how to place.

But that isn't the main point at the moment. The most important thing is that Damon had forgiven me … and I had forgiven him. I hadn't lost him; I have him back … as a friend, as a very good friend … who knows me better than I know myself.

I can still slap myself for what I did to him, for being so stubborn, so … black and white. I had forgotten everything he had done for me. All the time he had been by my side and I had only seen this one mistake he had made. Humans make mistakes, Elena and even if Damon is not human anymore … sometimes this vampire is far more human than many people you know.

I had believed that he would only think about himself, not caring about others and actually he had been doing just the opposite all the time … thinking of others and very little about himself. Otherwise he wouldn't have come to rescue me tonight. He could just have turned around when I had told him to leave me alone and called his Megan to have a nice evening. But he had jumped into his car to find me, to wipe away my tears.

I probably wouldn't have made it without him today. I would have sat there in the darkness until I would have frozen to death, incapable to free myself from the darkness that had surrounded me and taken away my breath.

I left the shower and put on my pajamas then I went back to my room. When I walked towards me bed I saw Damon's leather jacket laying on my chair in the corner. I raised it up and sucked in the scent of leather and … Damon. Immediately the warmth I had felt when he had held the jacket out to me; when he had taken me into his arms and when he had carried me back to the car arose inside of me, soothing my tormented broken heart.

I placed the jacket on my bed right beside my pillow; then I lay down and switched of the light. I was totally tired and exhausted but nevertheless I couldn't sleep. Not because I had so many thoughts in my mind, no, I couldn't think of anything else … just that something was missing.

I lay in my bed, starring at the dark ceiling for nearly half an hour when I suddenly recognized a shadow appearing out of the darkness in front of my window. And this shadow changed everything. I knew immediately that it was him … Damon … who sat there on the tree outside of the house, watching over me because the warm feeling had returned; the feeling of being protected and having nothing to worry about. Of being save. He was my savior. My … Salvatore. With a smile on my face I finally fell asleep.


	32. Plans ( ElenaStefanKatherine)

**Plans (Elena/Stefan/Katherine) **

**Elena 8.30am **

When I woke up in the morning, I felt totally exhausted even if I had slept quite well. I had expected to stay awake the whole night haunted by nightmares but instead I had fallen asleep nearly immediately. I had felt … safe. And I had dreamed of a pair of deep blue eyes watching over me …

For a moment I just lay in my bed and stared to the ceiling. Normally, on a Saturday, I would call Stefan now … Stefan … immediately the image of his teary eyes and his sad expression appeared before my eyes. I swallowed because I suddenly had a lump in my throat and tried to suppress the tears.

I had cried enough! And I am not alone with all this chaos. Immediately I thought of the person these deep blue eyes belong to … Damon … A smile appeared on my face again and I wiped the tears that had built up in my eyes away. Things won't be easy between Stefan and me now and then there are all these problems with the Lockwood's and Katherine. But I know that I am alone. I have someone who is by my side, who knows immediately whenever I need him; because he has this special feeling.

It is weird and I can't describe it. This … connection between the two of us is just there. Like he had said yesterday; he had felt that I had needed somebody, that I had needed him; as if I would have sent a message … to his heart …

Suddenly I remembered Damon's leather jacket. I turned around but the jacket was missing. Instead I had a note on my pillow:

Sorry that I had to break into your room and steal my leather jacket but I didn't want to test if vampires can really get a cold from sleeping outside on a tree the whole night in nothing more than a shirt. - Damon

Oh my god! He doesn't want to tell me that he has spent all night in front of my window! I thought, he had left immediately after I had fallen asleep! Damn it … if I had known, I would have bidden him inside! And what Elena? Propose him to sleep in your bed? That I love the smell of his leather jacket but that I would prefer to use him as my pillow? Gosh! Yesterday had been really too much! What the hell am I thinking? The break up with Stefan, the accident, Damon … too much, definitely too much! I need a break! I need to do something totally different. Like …

In this moment my mobile phone rang.

"Hey Bonnie! What's up?"

"Hey Elena! I just wanted to ask you about the masquerade ball … do you already have a dress?"

Damn! The masquerade ball! Okay, I said I need a break but a party? After everything that has happened?

"Bon, I'm sorry but I think I won't come."

"Hey, we are looking forward for this event for weeks! What happened?"

"Actually … quite a lot. Including that Jenna had to be taken to the hospital because Katherine compelled her and Stefan and I …" I had to swallow and couldn't go on with the sentence. I just couldn't speak it out loud.

"You mean … you broke up?"

"It was the only way … Katherine showed me that her threats aren't only threats … that she will kill everyone I love … we … I had no other solution."

"I'm so sorry, Elena."

"It's … okay. I … I just need a break from everything, Bon and I'm really not in a mood for a party right now."

"I totally understand that. What if I come to you and we make a nice girls evening?"

"Oh Bonnie that's so nice of you but … do you mind if I spend the evening alone? I have a lot to think about and I didn't want to ruin your evening with my mood. You are looking forward to this party for weeks, you talk about nothing else but your dress for weeks, so go and have fun, please!"

"But Elena …"

"No back talk! But you have to drink a glass for me!"

"Promised. Oh okay I have to hung up, Caroline is calling and you know how annoying she can get when you don't answer her calls."

"Not the best idea – she was already furious when she was a human so … don't risk it now."

"Haha oh yeah, good old Car. Talk to you later. Bye, Elena."

"Bye."

Immediately after I hung up Jeremy opened the door.

"Hey, are you ready to pick Jenna up from the hospital?"

"Damn it! Give me 5 minutes!" With that I rushed into the bathroom to get myself dressed.

* * *

**Stefan 9.30am **

I was walking up and down the living room, desperately thinking of a logical plan. Only minutes before, Caroline had rushed through the door, totally confused, had gripped a glass of Whiskey and let herself drop onto the couch to empty the glass with one sip. I had only turned around to face Bonnie in astonishment. Caroline and being confused? Normal. Caroline and Whiskey? Definitely NOT normal. So I had asked Bonnie what had happened and she had used our usual term when it comes to cases like this: Katherine had happened. After they had told me the whole story I had desperately tried to call Damon and as always when you need your brother one single time he is not available! Why do I have a big bro then? Only to let myself tease by him?

I interrupted my walking when I heard the door being opened and closed and seconds later Damon entered the living room, suddenly coming to a stop when he saw so many people at the mansion so early at the morning.

"What the hell?" He asked.

"Yeah "what the hell" is the right question! Where have you been? I tried to call you at least 6 times!"

"Not your business."

"I can imagine it pretty well. Grill. Bourbon. Girls."

"Yeah … something like this", he answered evasive.

Damon evasive? No joke? Something is really wrong with the people here today! Caroline drinking Whiskey, Damon being evasive … awesome and a bitch who had a nice plan for the evening which includes all of us.

"So, Caroline here had some nice encounter in the morning."

Damon only looked at me in astonishment and indicated me to go on.

"Katherine thought that it would be time for a nice meeting – on the masquerade ball. Tonight."

"A meeting? Why shall I meet that bitch?"

"Because she wants the moonstone. And if she doesn't get what she wants she will – quote: rip this town

apart until it rains blood."

"Awesome. Very promising. And now?"

"Yeah I have no idea. Do what she wants, as always?"

"Gosh! Stefan! Isn't it enough that she managed to destroy your relationship with Elena?"

I could only look to the ground because until now I had tried to suppress the images of last night as much as I could.

"We need to do something. And she gives us an opportunity."

"An opportunity for what?" Caroline asked.

"To get rid of her by stabbing a nice little stake through her not existing heart."

I flinched by these words. Not only all the other people around me were crazy today, no, I became totally insane, too. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Yesterday I had broken up with Elena and I had never felt more pain before - except the night I had gotten to know that my whole love for Katherine had been a lie. And it had been her fault! It had been Katherine's fault! She had ruined the life I had build up here since I had come back! And now? Now I couldn't stand to hear Damon saying that we had to kill her? I should jump up and down! Gripping a stake and exercise the best way to stab it into her heart! But instead … No, it had nothing to do with Katherine. It had to do with the fact that I needed information from her. About the moonstone. About the night she had sold all her friends out to the town; about why she had run away.

"But first I need to talk to her."

"Talk to her? Talk to Katherine? About what?" Damon asked mocking.

"About the moonstone. Why did she have it? What is so important about it?"

"And you believe you will get answers? Don't be stupid, Stef."

"I will get answers – even if I have to beat them out of her."

"The brutal Stefan uuuh. But okay so let's make a good plan. What's important?" Damon asked.

"That Elena stays away from the ball under all circumstances. It wouldn't be safe for her."

"Elena won't come. I called her in the morning. They pick up Jenna from the hospital and then she said she needs a break and just wants to be alone", Bonnie informed us.

I looked to the ground, my heart aching because she had to feel all this pain because of me; because Katherine wanted me. But I recognized that I wasn't the only one who looked away with a tormented expression on his face.

_Damon must be really worried about her, too. _

And I didn't know if I should like it or not. But I hadn't time to think about it now.

"Fine, so then Elena is absolutely safe. Next point on the list is that we need to manage that I can talk to her and afterwards to … kill her without giving her the chance to escape."

"I think that's when I can help the plan" Bonnie intervened.

"Your fire flickering spells won't really keep a tricky bitch like Katherine from escaping, hunnie", Damon joked.

"Who says I can only do some playful things with fire? What about … a room vampires can enter but not leave?" Bonnie replied arrogantly.

"And let ourselves imprison with this bitch? Are you insane?" Damon shouted.

"Well I can make the spell specific for Katherine."

"And how do we know that it works? What if we enter the room and tada suddenly we all are imprisoned – I will take the stake that is meant for Katherine and stab myself then!"

For a moment Bonnie closed her eyes and nobody said a word.

"So what, little witch?"

"Go."

"What?" Damon replied astonished.

"Go and try to leave the room."

Damon only raised his eyebrow but did what Bonnie told him – and ran against an invisible wall at the attempt to leave the room.

"Fascinating" was the only thing I could say.

"Hmm not bad. Maybe you are more useful than I thought you would be little witch", Damon teased her again.

"I would be extra nice to me at the moment. Who knows if I won't suddenly change my mind and cast the spell to work for Katherine AND you."

Well and that left even a Damon speechless – and angry of course. Before the little fight between the two could get out of control I intervened.

"Hey guys, be serious please. So "How to imprison Katherine" is taken care of. I would say that I will spend some time on the masquerade ball with her, leading her to the room you cast the spell on, Bonnie, I will get the information we need and then I will send you a message, Damon and we kill her. Problem solved."

"Okay, and how do you think we will kill her? I don't really think a small stake isn't enough and as you found out vervain is useless", Damon complained.

"Well for that I called …." Suddenly the door bell was ringing. "… Ric." I ended my sentence and went to open the door.

Seconds later Ric rushed into the living room, a dozen different weapons in his arms.

"So that's all I could find so fast but I think these must work pretty good", he said putting on a crossbow, the wooden stake pointing towards Damon.

"Okay, I see the vampire hunter is very well equipped", Damon said, a slightly nervous expression on his face and his hands held up.

"Then I would say let's start the work … oh and Ric, please put the crossbow down. I don't like to say that but we need Damon …."

* * *

**Katherine 10.00 am **

What a nice way to start my day! Problem 1: successfully solved! Stefan and Elena belong to the past.

Now to Problem 2: The moonstone. I need this damn stone from Damon otherwise … And then there is still problem 3: I need a werewolf!

So what do we do? Right, take some nice stupid victims! Barbie has always been a very good option to deliver a message. And for the werewolf … we need a death done by nice little junior werewolf Tyler. And if Tyler doesn't want to kill someone voluntary, we need to force him. And who would be better to force someone than his best friends? So let's combine fun and work and visit our dearest Mr. dashing blue eyes, Matt Donovan, to tell him that the best thing he can do on the masquerade ball is to provoke Tyler to start a fight with him and not to stop until our werewolf shows his teeth. And well I know these humans. Always too stupid to fulfill a mission; so better keep another victim Tyler can kill in mind; let's use some of these stupid girls they hang around with. They will be easy to compel and to kill.

Great, so the dirty work will be done by my nice little slaves, means the fun is reserved for me and I can start Act 1 Part 2 of my "Get Stefan back" mission. I wonder if he still has the words in mind: "I have never met a woman quite like you". Really Stefan? And what about Elena now? I bet you never told HER these words. And if he really didn't it will be a pleasure for me to remind him of this fact. Together with the fact that this means nothing good for his love for the little substitute compared to his love for me, that is – for sure – buried somewhere deep inside of him.

And I guess I will get unexpected help by my little "I never loved you" - Damon. Gosh! I thought he would have turned into a complete monster but suddenly he reveals his soft, gentle side. I must admit I was shocked and surprised. Sits there all night in the cold darkness on a tree outside of Lady Elena's bedroom to watch and protect her after she broke up with her beloved Stefan: One could guess … haha nooo … gosh that can't be true! This stupid idiot really seems to have fallen in love with his brother's girlfriend! Again! And then someone should say history doesn't repeat itself! But something in the way he watched over her was … different from 1864. Yeah, I can say he loved me, he really loved me and would have given his life for me but … I guess it was nothing compared to his love for this girl right now. You could see it in his eyes, the way he watched over her. In 1864 he was a naïve gentleman, falling in love with a beautiful stranger – now he is a vampire, a badass, realistic and evil. And nevertheless he loves her. Nevertheless SHE managed to bring back the side of him, he totally buried inside after he had become a vampire, after he had lost me. His good side. His caring, gentle side.

And the funny ironic part of this is … with Stefan it is exactly the other way round. I observed his behavior towards Elena. Okay it is romantic and sweet and all kitschy. BUT the way he kissed her compared to the way he kissed me to stab me with that vervain dart. Like night and day. He seems to be the good guy when he is with Elena, the boring gentleman; someone who has his powers and needs totally under control, who denies his true nature completely. But when he is with me … he is pure perfection. Even his anger is perfect! He shows what he really is, he doesn't need to hide anything.

So what do we do about it? Shall I go to Elena and ask for an exchange? Hey substitute, you can take Damon when you give me Stefan? Actually that would be the perfect deal. But I think that Stefan and Elena wouldn't be too pleased with this deal … at least not yet. So let's Damon do his job and show the little Elena unwittingly that she has emotions for him deep inside of her while I will deal with Stefan and his emotions for me … Perfect!

Okay what dress do we take now?

I stood in front of my mirror and held up a knee-length red dress in one hand and a black one that barely buried my butt in the other hand. Very difficult decision, I thought while throwing the red one onto my bed and getting into the black one. Yes, I think Stefan will like this dress. Hot, hotter … Katherine. I smiled at my reflection in the mirror.

In this moment someone knocked on my door. Perfect timing! My help in case Stefan planned some nice little traps for me tonight and wants to cheat on me with the moonstone. Keep in mind, Stef, I'm always one step ahead and I always have a Plan B, C, D, …, I thought while opening the door to give the dark haired woman a friendly welcome smile.


	33. The white dress (Elena)

**The white dress (Elena) **

I was sitting on my window board and just stared into the twilight when I suddenly heard a knock on my door and Jenna entered my room.

"Hey! You shouldn't walk too much! You can call me when you need something."

I looked at her reproachfully.

"Actually … I wanted to talk to you."

I looked at her surprised while she walked towards me and sat down on the window board beside me.

"You look so … sad the last days. What happened?"

"Jenna … I … Everything is fine", I tried to convince her by sounding as happy as I could.

"Don't lie to me, Elena. Your mother and I have been really good friends … and even if she isn't your … biological mother; you resemble her so much. I always knew when she tried to pretend to be happy. She looked and talked exactly like you do now."

I looked at my aunt in astonishment. I never had expected that Jenna would know me that well. Yes, she is the person who takes care of me but before my parents had died, we never had such a close relationship. She was my young aunt and she came to visit us once or twice a year but apart from that we never really stood in contact; she lived a totally different live – until the day of the car accident.

In this moment I realized for the first time how much she had really given up. She is only at the beginning of her thirties, she was a student before she became our new "mother", could celebrate parties, hang around with friends and just do what she wants to do. She was free, she could just live.

And now she had to come back to this small town, so full of danger, and live the life of a guardian for two teenagers. I had never thanked her for that; I had always taken it … yes … for granted. But at the moment with all the people I lost …

Out of this feeling I threw my arms around her.

"Thank you, for everything."

We just sat there, hugging each other and nobody said a word.

"It goes without saying, Elena."

"No, it doesn't. You gave up your whole life just to be there for us …"

"You and your brother are the two most important persons in my life. I have nobody except the two of you … and sometimes it seems to me as if you would be my friend more than a nice. And I'm really glad about that."

"I'm really glad about that, too", I said in a low voice.

"And hey I missed Mystic Falls. Now I had at least a reason to come back", she laughed and I joined in. "So what happened, huh?"

"Stefan and I … we … we broke-up." I said haltingly.

"Oh hunnie, I'm so sorry. I thought you two were happy …"

I had to sallow before I could go on.

"Yeah, I … I thought the same but somehow … we … we are too different and somehow it … it didn't work", I lied.

This time Jenna seemed to believe the lie because she only looked at me pitifully.

"I know a woman doesn't like to hear such sentences but in my case it had been proved right … there are more guys out there and someday you will find the one … your soul mate. Gosh and now I really sound kitschy, I'm sorry."

"No, no it's fine", I laughed. "That are maybe exactly the words I need to hear right now. And maybe you are even right."

"So what do you do know? You need some distraction! Any plans?"

"Uhm … actually I planned to spend the evening with you, some pizza and a very kitschy movie where we can cry for hours and waste thousands of handkerchiefs."

"Oh my god, no no no, that's absolutely the wrong way to deal with the break-up, really! Believe me. I'm kind of a … professional in such situations and it had never worked out well when I had decided to lock myself in the house and pity myself."

"Well … yeah … but after all that happened … with Stefan AND with you … I thought we just make a girl's evening …"

"Oh, ehm … yeah … well … actually … Ric wanted to visit me and … play the nurse."

"Ahhh okay … means I'm not required", I laughed.

"No, no I would really like to spend the evening with you … I can ask Ric to come tomorrow and …"

"Please, Jenna, no! I won't ruin your date! I will find something different, believe me."

"Hey, today is the masquerade ball! Don't you and your friends want to go?"

"Yeah, Bonnie already asked me … and I said no."

"C'mon, Elena! You are only once young! And I bet it will be a lot of fun!"

"I don't even have a dress!" I complained, trying to convince her that it was a bad idea.

"Oh, I can help with that. I found something a few days ago when I cleaned up the old stuff." She said mysterious and stood up from the window board. "Stay here, I will get it", she advised me and left the room to come back only half a minute later – with a beautiful white dress over her arm.

"Wow, Jenna! Where did you find it?" I asked astonished.

"Well … I thought it would be time to clean up the rest of the stuff of … your parents. It was your mother's … she wore it on a Mystic Falls masquerade ball when she was your age. I still remember how beautiful she looked in this dress." Jenna explained while she put the dress on my bed.

"It was mum's dress?"

"Try it on … I bet it will fit you perfectly."

Carefully I let myself slide into the soft silky fabric of the dress. I turned around in front of the mirror and watched it from all point of views. It fitted perfectly. Although the dress must be already at least 20 years old, it still looked as if it would have just been bought. The straps were wide, thin fabric covered my entire décolleté until right under my collarbones. The upper part fitted to my body as a second skin while the skirt fell from my hips wider down until it ended in waves a bit under my knees. It was simple, without many accessories but it was the most beautiful dress I had ever seen.

"You look … beautiful." Jenna said fascinated. "Just like your mum."

I turned around to smile at her thankfully. "We only have one single problem; I definitely don't have shoes to wear to such a dress."

"You not, but I think I have the perfect shoes."

And again Jenna left and came seconds later back with a pair of beautiful white pumps my size.

"Wow, Jenna. I think we should exchange clothes more often", I laughed.

"Oh, I will kill you if I don't get them back!" She joined in.

Half an hour late I was perfectly made-up and my hair fell open and in slight curls down my shoulders.

"Thank you so much, Jenna. And you lay down now, relax and let your future-husband do all the work" I teased.

"Aye-Aye, sir! And you promise me to have fun!" Jenna laughed.

"Promised."

I gave her a short hug; then I left through the front door, got into my car and drove to the Lockwood estate, ready to enjoy the evening.


	34. Angel or Devil (Stefan)

**Angel or Devil (Stefan)**

I was leaning against a column, a Whiskey glass in my hand.

I don't know what had driven me to this plan. Yes, we have to kill Katherine, that is for sure but … I … I don't trust myself. I know the bitch. She will come up with some nonsense from the past when I ask her about things – like the moonstone – she doesn't want to talk about. And I know her aura. I know what it does to me even if I can't explain it. Nothing inside me loves this woman anymore, nothing but why … why the hell do I feel these … feelings … when she enters the room, when she looks at me, when I hear her voice? This woman drives me crazy! When I am with her I am not under control. It is as if she would bring up a side of me, I buried deep inside. Every single moment I am standing in front of her I don't know which urge is stronger … to kill her or … to kiss her. Stefan, don't do it the Damon way. Stop drinking immediately. You need to stay clear in your mind – and these weird insane thoughts already proof that I am far from being logical!

I emptied the glass and wanted to go to catch something with less alcohol inside when I felt her. Her aura. Slowly I turned around. And there she was; walking up the stairs to the entrance in an appearance that left me speechless. Her hair was curled as always and fell softly over her shoulders. Her eyes were highlighted with black kayal and eye shadow; making her eyes look even more intense than they already used to be. And she was wearing a shimmering black dress that barely covered a thing. From the way she walked up the stairs and her outward appearance one would say the devil in person just entered the Lockwood estate. Nevertheless I couldn't help it but think that she looked like … an angel. Her graceful movements, her beautiful eyes … I was totally stunned by her presence …and I didn't like this fact; because it was exactly what I couldn't use right now.

_Have your goal in front of you, Stefan: She destroyed your relationship with Elena. You can only be together with her if you get rid of Katherine. And you have to find out more about the moonstone – and why she ran away, from who she ran away._

In this moment Katherine spotted me and approached slowly.

"Mr. Salvatore, what an honor to see you here tonight."

"The honor is not on my side, Ms. Pierce."

"So rude all the time, our dear Stefan. Didn't your little girlfriend – oh sorry ex-girlfriend – teach you how to treat a woman?"

I didn't say a word, only looked at her hatefully.

"Hmm where is your little substitute by the way? Wasn't she in the mood for a party after her aunt wanted to stab herself? The people today are really unpredictable and hopeless. I think that there is always a way to cope with problems. Why immediately commit suicide?"

"Always a way? Running from the problems for example?" I replied.

"Hmm an option. Not the best one in my opinion but well … you have to take what is offered to you sometimes."

"So selling out all your friends and helping Major Lockwood was the best option you had to run from …?"

"Like I said. You have to take what is offered to you."

"You know that we, Damon and I, would have helped you."

"Ha, and then? We three would have run and lived a happy life? C'mon Stefan."

Okay, and there are other moments when I'm not torn. When I know very clearly what I want to do. And in this moment I wanted nothing more than taking a stake and drive it through her arrogant selfish heart.

"So do you want to talk about the past all evening or can we enjoy the party now? What about a drink for the lady?"

"Which lady? I only see an arrogant bitch." I replied; my teeth clenched.

"Hmm I take that as an invitation to get a drink myself. Your Elena was really useless."

I know it is not the best idea to cause a scene in a room crowded with people but enough is enough.

I pushed her against the column I was leaning against when she entered the room and placed my hands beside her head. This move resulted in the fact that our faces were only inches away from each other.

"One more word about Elena and I will rip you into pieces in front of all these people", I hissed.

"C'mon Stefan, you would never risk that. Damon would do it, he is impulsive. You aren't. You are logical, restrained …"

"You don't know what I am capable of."

"Hmm… I would love to figure that out", she said flirtatious. "Have I ever told you that you look absolutely dashing when you are furious? And then this suite …"

For a long moment I only looked at her, furious; angry. Then my mobile phone rang.

"Yeah, Damon what happened?" I picked up.

"Okay, you deal with your annoying brother and I will get something to drink and then we can go on with our … little talk", she said while striking with her finger about my chest.

Then she left in the same gracious way she had walked up the stairs, all men in the room turning around to her. I shook my head.

"Stefan?" A voice yelled and I remembered that I had Damon on the phone. "Could you PLEASE pay attention!? I need the boring logical Stefan right now who doesn't let himself distract by a short black dress and long legs okay?"

"I'm not …", I wanted to defend myself but Damon interrupted me immediately.

"We have more important things right now! Elena is on her way to the masquerade ball."

"What?" I screamed startled.

"Yeah, Ric just called me that Jenna must have convinced her to get some distraction from all the trouble and have fun tonight. Not the best timing in my opinion."

"Damn it! Great now we have two persons who look exactly alike on one party! We need to keep them apart, we need to protect Elena."

"Great idea, brother, I would never have thought of this", Damon teases me.

"I take care of Katherine. I have to find out what she is up to. You look after Elena and keep her away from the trouble."

"What about our Killing-Katherine mission?"

"As planned. I call you when I got the information we need."

"Alright. Good luck, brother."

"I can need it."

With that I hung up and looked out for Katherine.

_I have to keep her away from Elena otherwise this ball will end in a deathly chaos._

When I walked onto the terrace I saw her standing at a table near the dance floor, a Martini in her hand.

"So can we go on with our little talk now?"

"More boring details about the past? Nooo … I'm not really in the mood for that. But I would love to dance." She looked at me in excitement but I remained unmoved.

"C'mon Stefan you can't deny me a dance! Hmm maybe I have to try it in a different way. Who to kill first? Oh right, there, isn't that Matt with his dashing blue eyes? And right there walking through the doors aren't that Bonnie and Caroline? But I could kill some stranger here right on the dance floor, too. What do you think?"

I clenched my teeth and didn't say a word, just held out my arm for her.

"That's way better, Stef. Why do I always have to threaten you first before you do what I want? It is inconvenient! But okay, at least I don't get bored."

I only gave her a smitten smile as a comment. In this moment I would have loved to kill her, right now, in front of all these people because this woman gets – on – my – nerves!

I lay one arm around her waist and hold her hand with the other one. We started to move slowly to the rhythm of the song that was played.

"Now tell me, why do you need the moonstone so desperately? What or better who are you running from?"

"I have a better one: Where IS the moonstone?"

"I have no idea." I replied innocent.

She came even closer so that our faces were only inches away.

"Then ask your stupid brother! If I don't get it tonight this nice little party will end up in a blood bath and I will make sure that I will visit your little Elena in the end to rip her into tiny little pieces, do you understand me? She whispered in my ear, her voice full of threat.

"I don't think that Damon has the moonstone here so I guess we have to go to get it together."

"Or you will go back home, fetch it and come back as fast as possible and in the meantime I try not to kill anyone."

"Kathy, do you really believe I trust you? It might be as well possible that I come back and the glasses are not filled with champagne anymore but with blood. So I definitely prefer my way. And I definitely think that it is MY turn to make the rules, my dear."

"Well yeah … that might be possible. But you should know that I never follow any rules but mine, Steffy."

With that she walked up to a girl I had seen at the lake with Caroline and Matt.

"Oh Elena you look so beautiful! What an awesome dress!"

"Thank you, I love your necklace. Oh, wait, it is twisted, let me …"

_What the hell is she … _

Before I could even finish my thought, Katherine had slammed her fist into the back of the girl.

"Paralyzed from the waist down."

"No, Katherine, stop …."

"And dead" she said while slamming her fist a second time into the upper part of the girl's back, breaking her spine.

I could only watch helplessly how the dead girl sank into my arms.

"What the hell?"

"I told you, Stef. Better follow MY rules otherwise there will be a lot of deaths tonight. This time it was a stranger but the next time it could be someone you know, or better a person Elena loves. Jenna only had luck because she was too stupid to stab herself correctly. I will make sure that this never happens again. The next time she will be dead. So it is your decision. Oh and tell me what Elena said when you tell her that her beloved aunt or one of her friends are dead because you didn't want to follow my instructions. I bet she won't be too happy."

With that she turned around and walked away, leaving me with the dead body in my arms.

An angel? I am so stupid! This woman never looks like an angel! She is a monster, pure evil, with no feelings at all. The devil.


	35. A lovesick idiot (Damon)

**A lovesick idiot with no other escape (Damon)**

I was walking up and down, the entrance always in my view because I was afraid to miss Elena entering the Lockwood estate. If that would happen and Katherine would find out that she is here … I don't want to think of the consequences. It would end up in a bloodbath, and I'm not sure who would survive it.

In this moment I felt a presence behind me and turned around. Stefan was standing in front of me, his hands black from dirt and a not too happy expression on his face.

"What the hell happened?" I asked reproachfully.

"Ehm as always? Katherine? This …damn bitch! I wanted to get her away from the party, to kill her far away from all these people; especially with Elena arriving every moment but you know how Katherine is … someone else decides the rules? Never. Ever. So she thought that it would be funny to kill an innocent girl while we were dancing."

"And you just buried her?"

"Exactly. It was already hard enough to get her away from the crowd! Thank god those kids always drink too much these days. Tell everyone who asks that she is totally drunk and they don't ask further questions."

"Awesome. And where is Katherine now?"

"I have absolutely no idea."

"Stefan!"

"Yeah what would you have done? Run with a dead girl in your arms after Katherine while everyone is looking?"

"Yeah well probably not. And now?"

"I will clean my hands in one of the bathrooms upstairs … and pray that our little Miss Katherine might need to renew her make-up. That would be the best option. Well most of the time it doesn't work like this so I would say you look for Elena, if you see Katherine do whatever you need to do to shield Elena from her view. In the meantime I will try to find her."

"Okay and when Elena sees you? I bet she wants to talk to you. You know how good she is in feeling that something is going on …"

"I will be careful that she doesn't see me. And I'm not so sure that she wants to see or talk to me after what happened yesterday. ", his voice becoming lower and lower at the end of the sentence.

I didn't know what to say. Tell him that everything will be alright? Nope, that's definitely not me so I just remained silent.

"Good luck", Stefan went on after a pause, then he turned around, walked upstairs and out of my view.

For a long moment I just stood there and watched upstairs to the place Stefan disappeared out of my view. I hate her! I hate this damn bitch! Why can't she just leave us alone? She had hurt me, she had threatened and hurt Elena – and she had hurt my brother! And I could kill her for that! Painfully, slowly! She should endure all the pain we had to endure!

While lost in my thoughts, becoming more and more angry, I suddenly felt … a presence, nearly angelic, that somehow calmed me. I turned around and there she was. And she really looked like an angel … in her white, knee long dress, the skirt flowing around her legs as she graciously walked up the stairs to the entrance.

In this moment I could do nothing but stare at her, totally fascinated by her beauty. She had a serious, absentmindedly expression on her face but when she saw me her face lit up immediately and a smile, the smile I love so much, appeared on her face. I could do nothing but smile back – like a lovesick idiot. I had to laugh about myself. It was unbelievable how much a person can change you. How much one single person can achieve to change you back into the person you used to be … such a long time ago.

Still stunned by her beauty, I suddenly realized that I had to stay clear in mind. Katherine was here. And if she would see Elena, the whole story wouldn't end well for all of us.

_Damn, Elena! Why did you have to come? Can't you just stay out of trouble? Only once? I hate to risk her life if it is not necessary – I always hate to risk her life!_

"Hey … Damon it's …" she began but she couldn't finish the sentence.

I had walked up to her and gripped her arm, pulling her behind a column near the entrance.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked reproachfully.

"What are you talking about?" She replied, anger in her voice.

I let go of her, turned around and frowned.

_What the hell shall I do now? Damn it! _

"I wanted to have some FUN after all these nightmare-like days!"

"But Bonnie told us that you didn't want to come …"

"Bonnie told you?" She asked astonished.

_Double damn! I'm an idiot! Of course, Damon, that was THE sentence you should have said if you want to keep the whole plan a secret! I need a lie … IMMEDIATELY!_

"Yeah … uhmm … actually Caroline told us that Bonnie had said that you didn't want to come. Stefan wanted to know."

_Yeah, and this lie is so much better! Mentioning Stefan's name, very clever! _

"Damon?"

"Yeah?"

"I know that you are lying."

I hate her! I hate her for knowing me so well! Normally, I am the best liar in the world; I am a professional when it comes to lying! But when I am around her … lovesick idiot, like I said.

I was hopelessly lost.

I know her as good as she knows me and that's why I know that she won't stop annoying me until she found out the truth. Brilliant.

"I'm not …" I gave it a last try but when I saw her raise an eyebrow I gave up. "Okay, okay. It was a lie!"

"Would you please do me the favor then and tell me the truth? And I warn you! No more lies! I'm really not in the mood for lies! Same for surprises, stupid actions, plans …" She listed.

"Yeah actually about the plans and stupid actions …"

"Oh Damon please don't tell me …"

I was more than happy when I saw a waiter approach, gripped a glass of Bourbon and emptied it at once.

"Damon!" She screamed.

"Shhh! We need to remain … invisible. Well, actually you need to be invisible."

"Invisible? Why the hell?"

"Yeah because you have a bitchy doppelganger running around here and even if her outfit is the total opposite of yours …" I said with a glance to her dress, having Katherine's short black dress in mind "I guess people will recognize the similarity - or they are all totally stupid, blind or too drunk."

"Awesome. And I just wanted to have fun. Why the hell can't I just have fun one damn single evening?" Elena yelled and people already turned around to face us in astonishment.

"Let's go to a place less … crowed; then you can go on yelling at me without everyone looking at us." I proposed, not waiting for the answer but gripping her arm. Unwillingly she followed me.

"And now please tell me what you are up to … and please tell me how many people are involved in this!" She demanded as we walked down the stairs of the terrace.

I buried my hands in the pockets of my trousers.

_Why do I always have to be the person who tells a furious Elena that two vampires, a vampire Barbie, a witch and a vampire hunter had the stupid idea to kill her bitchy doppelganger Katherine?_

"Can we wait until we reached a place no one can hear us please?"

"No! I don't want to wait! I want to know it NOW to stop …"

But I didn't let her finish the sentence. While she talked I had recognized a figure cutting her way through the people on the dance floor. Katherine. She hadn't seen us yet but she was walking directly up to us – and we had nothing, not a single damn bush to hide behind!

_I love destiny! Why couldn't she have walked back into the estate BEFORE we decided to leave it? _

I saw only one solution; a solution I didn't know if Elena would like; probably not. But I guess everything was better in this moment than dying through the hand of a manipulative slut.

I gripped her arm and pulled her off the way into the shade where the light of the terrace was only shining dimly. I turned my head around one last time, seeing horrified that Katherine would see us immediately if she would turn her head to the right while walking up the stairs. I turned around to face Elena again; then I took her face in my hands and kissed her, shielding her with my body from Katherine's view.

In this moment I was torn. I was more than afraid that she would slap me immediately, ruining the cover and would make Katherine recognize us. But at the same time; I felt like I would explode. Feeling her lips on mine sent shivers through my entire body and set it on fire. I felt as if someone chased 1000 Volt through it. I wished that this moment would never end …

In the beginning I recognized her surprise over this sudden turn of events but then I would say that … she gave in. She was really kissing me back. Totally astonished, I let go of her and stared into her deep brown eyes. Even if it was quite dark I could see how she looked back at me, totally astonished herself; and how her cheeks had turned a shade redder.

For a long moment no one said a word, we just stared at each other, then I broke the silence.

"I … I am sorry, I …" I started stuttering. "Katherine approached and … and I saw no other escape …"

"It … it is totally … okay, … Damon." She replied, laughing frantically. But her eyes showed me something different. She looked … sad?

_Don't be stupid, Damon! Sad! Why the hell should she look sad? Because I told her, I only kissed her because of Katherine? Because she shouldn't see us? Because she actually enjoyed the kiss? Ridiculous! I'm getting insane! Totally insane! _

Now I was the one who laughed frantically and an uncomfortable silence spread out between us.

"Ehm … what about that idea of … hiding somewhere less crowded?" She suggested after a moment in which we had only stared to the ground, afraid to look into each other's faces.

"Yeah …very good idea", I said, my voice still chocked, and led her through the crowd of people.


	36. Two is better than one (Damon)

**Two is better than one (Damon) **

We walked past the dance floor, down another flight of stairs and along the lake which stretched behind the Lockwood estate in the darkness. After a while we reached a bench lid with candle holders where we sat down, still none of us said a word. Then she broke the silence.

"So what are you and Stefan up to again? I'm pretty sure I won't like it …"

"Yeah … I think so, too. Ehm … we decided to … kill Katherine."

"Do what?"

"Kill Katherine … tonight … on the masquerade ball?"

"You two! Gosh you are really brothers! One more stupid than the other and together an unbeatable stupid team! Why the hell do you want to kill her today?" She screamed.

I had to laugh about her sudden fury. It made her even lovelier.

"Why do you laugh at me now? You are mean", she pouted and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

I laughed again.

"Because I probably have never seen you really angry before. Well, at least not when it … was … funny …"

The last words left my mouth only hesitantly because I remembered that I had already seen her so furious before … when she screamed at me … when she had screamed that she hates me. And from her face expression I could tell that she thought exactly the same.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to …" I began but fell silent.

"It's alright. We made that already clear, remember?" She said, a slight smile returning to her face. "Hey and now go on and tell me about your stupid plan, no distractions anymore, I warn you, you know how furious I can get." She threatened laughingly.

"Well, perhaps it might be better if you don't know the plan. Can't you just accept the fact that we will kill her, you will be save and the problem will be sol…" I began but was interrupted by another scream.

"Damon!"

"Okay, okay, God, I hate this job,"

"Job?"

"Yep, being your bodyguard – not so bad actually – who has to tell you – very bad actually – that while we sit here, Stefan tries to get all information possible from our nasty little bitch - which is imprisoned in a room Stefan can leave but she can't, thanks to our little witch - about the moonstone and what she is doing in Mystic Falls; only to call me, when he got everything we need from her, to kill her together."

"He is with her?" She asked astonished.

I could see that her eyes became a hint sadder and at the same time I saw jealousy and distrust flare up in them.

"Trust him, Elena. He does all of this for you; to make sure that you and all your friends and family are save again. We have no other choice; we have to get rid of her otherwise we will all get insane not knowing what Katherine will be up to next."

"Yeah, I know, nevertheless … I can't help it. I mean … they have a history together, he loved her … and now she is back …"

"Do you really think he loved her?"

"Well you haven't seen him look at her … and I mean not in 1864, I mean now, after she returned."

"I don't think that you should be worried. Katherine never had … that much power over him, you know. He … he was afraid of her true nature and … did he ever tell you about our conversation before we tried to rescue Katherine from the wagon she was imprisoned in?"

"No … he only told me about how you two … died trying to rescue her …"

"Well … after I had found out that father had caught Katherine to burn her with the other vampires in the church and that Stefan had given him a hint about Katherine's true nature, I had run into the forest near the estate. It had always been the place where I had been able to make the best plans, the most desperate plans. I hadn't sat there for very long when I had heard steps approach. It had been Stefan who had been searching for me. When I had seen him, I had risen up from my seat on the felled tree branch and had drawn my knife. In this moment I had just wanted to kill him. I had never been so furious, so disappointed in my life. I had never been betrayed by my own brother. I had screamed at him that I would never understand why Katherine had trusted him … and why she loves him. In this moment I had seen something happening in my brother … as if he would have realized something … as if he had realized that he never loved Katherine, that he had been compelled to love her …"

"Wow … and you think … you really think it is true? That she only compelled his love?"

"I'm sorry, Elena, I can't answer you that question. Stefan is the only one who really knows it and until now he strictly claims that everything, his feelings, had been a lie."

"But Katherine … she loved him …"

"Yeah … she loved him" I laughed bitterly. "I don't think she really loved him, maybe he was the only person she cared about a bit; she doesn't know what love means. Katherine might have feelings for my brother but I can tell you that Katherine would never … risk her life for him for example. Katherine always thinks of herself. If it would come to a situation of life and death she would sell Stefan out without blinking to save her own life. And can you call that real love?"

"No … probably not …"

"You see? Stefan is not stupid. He knows how valuable you are and how lucky he can be that he has you as his girlfriend."

"… that he had me as his girlfriend …"

"That's why we are here … when Katherine is gone there will be no threat anymore."

"I … I'm not sure."

"What does that mean?"

"That means that I'm not sure if I want to risk it a second time. Okay, let's imagine that Katherine is gone. But … being the girlfriend of a vampire … always contains a risk for the people I love … I have to make sure that they are really safe before I can be with him again …"

"That is your decision … but … I can understand it."

She smiled at me and I smiled back at her, then for a while no one said a word, we just looked at the dark lake in which the moon and the lights of the party were reflected.

"Do you really …"

"Why did you … " We both began at the same time and laughed. "Ladies first."

"Oh a true gentleman", she laughed.

"Of course", I replied blinking.

"Do you really think this is a good plan … I mean … I m afraid that she will hurt the two of you … or even worse. I mean I know now what she is capable of …"

"Trust us, Elena. Even if she is much older than we are, she is alone and we are two … and she doesn't have such nice little weapons as we have…"

"Weapons? What weapons?"

"From our vampire hunter, Ric. And I can tell you even I was afraid when I saw them! He really knows how to protect himself and actually I m surprised that I'm still alive after all that had happened in the first place with Isobel … Well and I can say that he uses them a bit … too reckless. I found myself already in the sight of a huge crossbow … but hey I have already some experience when it comes to arrows, right?"

"Haha oh yeah definitely."

"I guess I will never forget your face when I stood in front of you, pierced by this arrow and later when you had gripped my shirt and shaken me desperately to wake me up." I had to laugh about that image. "The truth now … were you worried?"

"Worried about what?" She asked innocent, pretending to be clueless.

"About me?"

"Not a minute."

"C'mon! You can't tell me you weren't! I saw your face! And somehow your face is most of the time an open book for me."

"Okay, okay I was worried … but only a tiny little bit."

"Ha! At least a bit!" I laughed and she joined in.

Then there was another longer moment of silence. First I looked to the ground but then I couldn't hold myself back to look at her … how she sat there in her beautiful dress, a slight smile on her face, starring up to the moon …

"What?" I recoiled when I heard her voice.

Lost in my thoughts I hadn't recognized that she was looking at me.

"I was just thinking that … you are very beautiful tonight, more beautiful than you already are. The dress fits you perfectly well … as if it would have been made just for you …"

"Thank … you" she stammered and I saw her cheeks reddened.

I had to smile again. She was just too cute.

"It's my mum's dress."

"Your mum's?"

"Yeah … my … real mother's dress, she wore it to a Mystic Falls masquerade herself when she was younger."

"I bet you resemble her very much in this dress now, even if she wasn't your biological mother."

"Yeah … Jenna said that I really look a lot like her …" she said, not able to hide the sad tone that had appeared in her voice.

"You miss her, don't you?"

She looked me in the eyes for a moment; then she nodded.

"I miss her terrible much. Especially in a situation like this. Everything is just … a chaos and who do I have to talk to? Jenna doesn't know anything about … this world, Caroline has enough problems herself and Bonnie … yeah it is pretty obvious that she is definitely not the right person to talk to about everything that has to do with fangs."

"I know that I can't replace one of your girlfriends, I'm only a guy, but if you want to talk … I'm always there … and I try to give my best girlfriend-like advice", I offered her smiling.

"Thank you, Damon", she replied laughing. "I really appreciate that. And I'm really thankful that you were there for me yesterday … I don't know what I would have done without you."

"You're more than welcome."

For another moment we looked into the darkness, lost in our own thoughts when she suddenly broke the silence again.

"Hey you didn't tell me what you wanted to say when we both started to talk!"

"Oh right. I wanted to know why you changed your mind, why you decided to go to the masquerade ball in the end."

"Well … actually Jenna convinced me. I know, regarding your plan it would have been better if I had stayed at home. But actually I am happy that I did come to tell you how unbelievable insane you two are –even if I can't convince you to stop this idiotic plan. Therefore I know you two Salvatore's too well … both totally stubborn! I would probably end up bounded in a storeroom – the main thing is that I am safe no matter if YOU risk your life."

"Yup, summed it up pretty well" I replied and smiled mischievous.

She shook her head then she went on.

"Yeah and Jenna seemed to have her philosophical day because she told me that I am only young once and that it would be a good distraction from the break up with Stefan and then she came with the dress … and I thought: Yeah, damn, she is right, I need distraction! And so I decided to come here to have fun at least one evening … but with Katherine running around here I can forget about those plans and play hide and seek instead."

"Well I think that Katherine is pretty busy with teasing my little brother so let's have fun!" I replied and offered her my hand.

She only looked at me astonished.

"May I have the pleasure of this dance?"

"Of course", she replied smiling and took my hand.

* * *

**May I - Trading Yesterday**

_I can see when the lights start to fade,  
the day is done and your smile has gone away.  
All I want is to keep you safe from the cold...  
to give you all that your heart needs the most._

All that's made me  
Is all worth trading  
just to have one moment with you.  
So I will let go  
_of all that I know  
knowing that you're here with me.  
_  
_May I hold you  
as you fall to sleep.  
When the world is closing in  
and you can't breathin',  
may I love you.  
May I be your shield.  
when no one can be found  
may I lay you down._

* * *

When we walked back, up the stairs to the terrace and to the dance floor, I heard that the band just started a slow song. I wasn't sure if I should risk it. I guess I already pushed my luck quite far with the kiss and the last thing I wanted was to ruin the special atmosphere which had build up between us while we had talked.

"We can wait until they play a faster song", I offered.

For a moment I could feel her hesitation but it only lasted an instant.

"No, this song is awesome", she said, looked up to me and smiled.

I looked back at her, not able to hide my surprise, making her laugh. I smiled and pulled her onto the dance floor. I lay one hand on her back and hold her hand with the other while she placed her hand on my shoulder. Then we began to move slowly to the rhythm of the music.

"Why are you smiling?" She asked after a while.

"I just listened to the lyrics. They … they let me remember the day I first met you …"

"Yeah when you scared me to death", she laughed. "I turned around and suddenly you were standing in front of me, only inches away. I still have your face expression in mind and the way you bend your head to look at me." She smiled. "Yeah exactly like this!" She laughed when I bend my head to one side, just as I did when she had looked at me that day.

"And I remember how I kissed your hand before you left …"

"Always the gentleman, like I said."

A crooked smile appeared on my face.

"Or what about the day I saved you after your car accident and we went to Georgia – you really have a tendency for car accidents …"

"… and to let myself save from you", she went on laughing.

"I think so, too" I joined in her laughter.

Then there was a moment when we only looked into each other's eyes, turning around to the music.

"What are you thinking now?" I interrupted the silence.

"That this reminds me of something …"

"Of what?" I asked astonished.

"Of the last time we danced – the Miss Mystic Falls Dance, dummy."

"Oh sure, of course."

"Don't tell me you forgot it!"

"Elena! How … " I hesitated. "How can I ever forget this dance? I never will. Because it was …"

" … indescribable." She finished my sentence.

"Yeah, exactly."

She smiled and then; suddenly; she laid her head on my chest. I stopped breathing, totally astonished by this sudden move. And what I felt while holding her in my arms, while dancing with her, turning around on the dance floor can't be put in words. I felt her hand on my shoulder, her other hand in my hand. It was as if electricity was flowing from the places where she touched me through my entire body. I felt totally hyped up. I wonder if she felt that I was trembling because I was absolutely incapable to hold back the shivers that were running through my entire body. Just like when I had kissed her my whole body was going up into flames; ignited by her touch. Her hair gently caressed my cheek and I could smell a faint hint of vanilla and jasmine. An unbelievable warmth was radiating from her body to mine, melting every piece inside of me, every single part that had frozen to ice over the centuries, breaking down the stone walls I had build up so carefully; so thick, so huge; around my heart.

_"__Cause when I close my eyes and drift away I think of you and everything's okay I'm finally now believing; so maybe it's true that I can't live without you …"_

I bend my head slightly and leaned it against hers. I wanted this moment to last forever.

Then she suddenly interrupted the silence; with words that let me believe she had read my thoughts.

"Two is better than one …" she said. "I guess we figured that finally out, too, right? Without you I … I would probably still sit there … in the darkness, in the rain, alone …"

"Yeah" I said in a rough voice, barely a whisper. "And without you; without your trust … I … I would probably still be … a … a heartless monster, lost …" I whispered, meaning every word. "You are my light … in my endless darkness …"

She lifted her head, her brown eyes meeting mine. We were both surprised by the sudden change in atmosphere. It was as if it would be like the last time we danced. There was this unbelievable strong electricity radiating between the two of us. Her face was only inches away from mine; and these eyes; these deep brown eyes; starring into mine, into my soul, into my heart; unleashing feelings I have never felt before; in my entire life. We were both breathing heavily and I could hear the beat of her heart speeding up. I could feel it against mine; and it felt as if it would respond even if that was impossible. Without really knowing what I did, I lowered my head. She looked at me, astonished and at the same time … convinced. Then she closed her eyes. My entire body was trembling, from excitement; from fear; from … love; when I closed my eyes, too …

A sudden vibration let me recoil.

_Damn it! I should let him die, I should let him get killed by this arrogant little bitch … and just go on, kiss her … his girlfriend … his love … his home … _

I took a deep breath; then I opened my eyes to see that Elena looked at me … interrogative, ashamed … and disappointed?

I pulled my mobile phone out of the pocket of my trousers. It was indeed my brother. I wanted to stay. Everything inside of me screamed to stay, to stay with her … except my heart. My heart was torn.

"Stay here, exactly here, don't move!" I ordered while turning around.

"Damon! Wait! Where are you …?" But she didn't have to finish the sentence, she understood.

"Stay – here, no matter what happens."

Then I ran as fast as I could through the crowd of people and up the stairs into the estate, leaving Elena behind, alone. The last thing I heard was only a whisper … "Be careful, Damon."


	37. Nice little things with a stake (Kathy)

**All these nice little things you can do with a stake (Katherine) **

I was standing in the bathroom of the Lockwood estate and checked my hair style.

_Okay another name on my list of victims. But I bet no one will really miss that girl, she looked like one of these ordinary high school students. "Oh Elena your dress is so beautiful!" What a toady! Well but nevertheless I don't have this damn moonstone! A nice dance didn't seem to be enough to convince Stefan to better give these nice brown eyes what they want and somehow I think even the death of the little toady wasn't enough. I mean he has to decide between these unimportant people and his glorious Elena. If I get the moonstone nothing will keep her safe anymore … from me. Not totally correct, Stefan. But he has always been very slow in understanding things. I mean hello? As if I only had wanted a kiss on the cheek back in 1864! A kiss – on my CHEEK! Stefan, Stefan. Concerning that, Damon had really been a lot better. Well that had been the only thing he had been superior to his brother. But okay it doesn't seem to have changed since he became a vampire. So let's start Phase 2 of my plan "How to get the moonstone" and there is still Act 1 Part 2 to play … "Get Stefan back". Hmm let's see with what we can convince him that his love for me hadn't been such a lie … _

I left the girl's room and thought about where to find Stefan when I suddenly felt a resistance. I had run into someone. I looked up and … looked into these stunning eyes which were a mixture of brown, green and blue. My first thought was to throw him against the next wall and kiss him until we both would be breathless. I thought about it twice and decided that it wasn't the right time to be thrown down the stairs into the hallway, a crowd of people watching how I set my bones back into the right place, stand up and walk away. Nope, definitely not the right time because I was still in need of the MOONSTONE. So I decided to play the role I could play best: the flirty little bitch.

"Not so fast, my dear. It seems to me that you can't come back to me fast enough."

I gave him my best flirtatious smile.

"Actually … yes because we need to talk."

"Ugh, why do you always want to talk, Stefan? That had already been your problem in 1864. You always wanted to TALK. If I hadn't been already dead, you would have talked me to death."

"Then why do you still pretend to love me if I had been so boring?"

"Oooh well, like I said I had been already dead and your kisses … no, I hadn't been able to resign those kisses!"

"Are you done with the past so we can talk now?"

"If it is unavoidable. And actually I have to talk to you, too. There are still two things on my agenda we need to … discuss."

"On your agenda? So you make the rules again – like always?"

"Like always."

"This gets boring, my dear." He replied, gripped my arm and pulled me towards a room in the very corner of the corridor.

"What the hell are you up to?" I yelled trying to wrench her arm out of his grip.

I would have managed to do so very easily but somehow I liked to play the … stubborn diva.

"Do you really believe I talk to you here? In front of the girl's room? With 1000 ears listening? The room there is perfect; there we can talk without being interrupted."

"Oooh … we are alone … in a room … where no one can interrupt us … Stefan you surprise me …"

He didn't answer to that but instead he pushed me into the room.

"And now we TALK."

"Okay, perfect. Question number one: Where is the moonstone?"

"Why do you need it?"

"Where – is – the – moonstone? Stef, you know I'm not the kind of woman who lets herself dictate what to do by a guy. I might have grown up in such a time but I have always been … different. So tell me, where it is and I don't lay this building into ashes – covering your dear brother under it, too by the way."

"Like I said, I don't have it! You got an answer, now I get mine!"

"I just remember this concert … which was it again … ah yes Bon Jovi. You went there with this little bitch Lexi. You were standing in the first row, dancing all night, looking totally happy …"

I approached Stefan while I told him these words, standing only a few inches away from him when I finished the sentence. I couldn't really decide what his face expression looked like and I think he wasn't quite sure either. It was something between "I will kill that bitch immediately if she doesn't tell me what she want with this damn moonstone" and "She had an eye on ME all the time?" I preferred the last one but his eyes were in a constant fight.

"Don't be so surprised my dear. Of course I had an eye on you over the years. I wanted to know if you were alright."

"Then why the hell did you never appear? Why did you never come to me and say "Hey, Stef, I'm still alive, I have never been burned in this damn church?"

"Why should I?"

"Because then my brother would never have spend his whole life, after-life, vampire-being, whatever to search for a way to get you out of that damn tomb! And maybe he had understood earlier what for an arrogant bitch you really are!"

"So this is only about your brother? You never missed me? Not a single moment? You didn't wish that I was still alive?"

"Never!"

"You are lying! Stefan, we might not have spent an eternity together but the few weeks were definitely enough time for me to figure you out. And that includes to decide if you are lying or not, too. And now you ARE lying."

"And what? What if I had wished that you might have been alive? What would that change?"

"Oh a lot my dear."

"You would still have been an arrogant bitch without the slightest kindness to show herself! You let me believe you were dead for decades!"

"Wow suddenly so impulsive, so passionately. You seem to have missed me quite a lot more than you are willing to admit."

"I was only worried about my brother!"

"About Damon? You? After he had promised you an eternity of misery? After he had killed your stupid friend without blinking … what was her name? Callie?"

By remembering him of the girl he had met when he had left Mystic Falls and travelled to New Orleans, I seemed to have reopened old sores because I earned an extra hateful look.

"Well she is dead since decades so let's switch back to topics from the present. Where is the moonstone?"

"If you ask that question once more I promise you I will rip of your head immediately!"

"Hmm okay, let's try it in a different way. I want the moonstone NOW. Better?"

"You will never get it into your dirty little fingers."

"No? Even if I threaten to kill … hmm Caroline? Elena will not be too happy if she loses one of her best friends."

"It doesn't matter to me. Try it. Try to kill her."

"If that is what you wish for. Okay."

I turned around and walked graciously to the door.

_This man is really hard to teach! Sometimes I really wonder why I still try. Why do I not kill him? Now, immediately, without blinking? Damn Stefan, you get on my nerves! From the moment I met you, I became weak! Weak when it comes to you. If I wouldn't try so hard not to hurt him, I would already have the moonstone in my fingers. _

By now I had reached the door and wanted to leave the room but something was holding me back. An invisible wall; like glass but incapable to break.

_You are so clever, Stefan. I wanted to avoid this until the very end but this means another Oscar performance by Ms. Katherine Pierce now. I should really tell them that they hand out the Oscars to the wrong people. Natalie Portman? Ts! I'm way better! I don't need to play the Black Swan, I am the Black Swan! And this swan will torture the little Stefan right now because he really drives her mad! And then she will bring the really big guns in because she has seen something … and felt something … _

"Very clever, my dear. Your little Bennett girl is such a powerful witch! I'm reeeeally frightened", I mocked.

"Well she is good enough to imprison a little slut and keep her from killing innocent people so that I can screw the truth out of her – if necessary with my bare hands."

"Hmmm … I love that. You are so sexy when you are mean. Do you behave in the same way in front of your little Elena? Oh no I forgot … you … love her, right? But do you tell her things like that, too?"

"Like what?"

"Like … "I have never met a woman quite like you." Like "I look at you and I see an angel." Like …"

"Stop it!" Stefan screamed.

"Uuuh, I guess I stroke a nerve. So you never told her words like this?"

I had approached him again, and with my last words our faces were so close that I our lips nearly met. I stared into his eyes, his beautiful eyes which were killing me at the moment. And I knew; I was right. I knew; he had never told her such words.

"And now, Stefan, do you still go on? Do you still pretend that you don't love me? That you love her more than you loved … love me?" I whispered and stopped breathing.

"I don't love you, Katherine. I never loved you. And you know that." He said, his jaw tensed.

I felt how hard he had to keep to himself not to beat me in this moment.

"Then tell me why did you never ever say such words to another woman like me."

"Why did you never come back to show me that you are alive?"

"Because I couldn't!" I screamed.

The whole atmosphere in the room had changed immediately. I don't know what had happened to me, I don't know why I had reacted so … desperate. Like I said; this man turns my world upside down! When I am with him I'm not … normal. I can't keep up my walls because he knows how to destroy them! He is the only one who knows how to destroy them with some simply words that mean the world to me.

"Why couldn't you? Why the hell couldn't you tell me in all these decades? Who were you running from?"

He fired questions over questions at me and I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to tell him! Not now! Fighting against my emotions, against my despair, I felt how my combativeness came back. I couldn't tell him, not now! I would love to but I couldn't. Because when I would, he would win. He would have a weapon, against the people, the vampires who want … her blood. And me.

"I – can't – tell –you!"

"Why not?"

"Because I can't! Beat me, strangle me! It doesn't matter you will never get a word out of me about that!"

"Are you sure?"

"Oh yes!"

I wasn't able to foresee what happened next otherwise I would have been prepared. Within seconds I was thrown against a wall, then to the ground and pinned through both my arms to the ground. I screamed in pain.

"You bastard! Take these damn stakes out of me!"

"First, you tell me EVERYTHING you know about the moonstone and who you were running from! And I can tell you, I have more of these stakes. The last one won't miss your heart – I promise."

He was standing over me, a hateful look on his face. I have never been afraid of him because I have always been the stronger one but I hadn't foreseen this turn in events and hell yes, he frightened me in that moment … Because I wasn't sure if I would survive this. I saw only one solution to save myself. To turn his attention from me to … someone else.

"You do know that your brother is kissing your girl, ex-girlfriend, on the terrace at the moment, don't you?"

The words didn't miss their intention. Stefan's expression turned from pure hatred into astonishment and disbelief.

"What did you just say?"

"I said if you know that your brother …"

But he didn't let me finish the sentence.

"You are such a manipulative bitch. Gosh, I nearly walked into your trap again! Stop the nonsense and answer my questions!"

"This is not nonsense! I saw them, I swear! Before I entered the estate and went to the girl's room!"

"Elena is not even here you nasty little bitch! She has more serious problems than a masquerade ball!"

"Like a stabbed aunt? Stefan, you are lying again! You KNOW that she is here!"

"Stop it!" Her screamed again, fell on his knees and gripped my throat.

"I saw them! I saw them! You just don't want to believe it! You know that HE loves her! And you know that he is important to her, too! You just can't stand to hear it!"

I felt how the grip around my throat tightened and I wasn't able to get out another word.

"Perfect. Silence finally."

Then he let go of me, stood up and took out his mobile phone.

"And now my little Ms. Katherine … we will kill you." He said sardonically.

"You can't do that! You need me! You can't kill me!"

"Oh yes we can. Because we are sick of your lies! And I can do what I want, I won't find out what you are up to with the moonstone, so I have to find it out myself. Means I don't have another reason to let you live."

"You won't be able to do it."

"Even if he is not. I am. I promise you." A voice said from outside the room.

Damon. Great. Two guys who loved me once, ready to kill me now. Somehow this doesn't turn out like I planned it to.

"You got something out of her?" He added to Stefan.

"Not a single word. Only lies", I admitted walking towards him.

"Like I said from the very beginning. This woman isn't worth to waste any time. Just a manipulative little bitch who gets a stake through her heart right now", Damon replied swaying a stake in his hand. Then he turned around to check the situation outside on the corridor.

_Perfect, both Salvatore brothers having turned their back towards me. And I wouldn't be Katherine if I would let them win so easily._ _I'm a lot older and a lot stronger than the two of you and now I am fuckin' angry. You really messed up with the wrong woman, Stefan Salvatore. You will regret it, I promise you._

With all my strength I managed to push the stake in my left arm out of the ground and within seconds I had pulled out the second one who kept me pinned to the ground. Stefan and Damon turned around in the same moment. I rose from the ground and in the moment I rushed over to Stefan, he wanted to escape to reach save ground outside the room – but instead of leaving a furious dangerous imprisoned bitch, he ran into an invisible wall. I came to a stop directly in front of him.

"Well Stefan, I m not the only one with a powerful witch. And do you really believe I didn't know you wanted to lead me into this trap? But I guess YOU didn't expect THIS trap, did you?"

Stefan wasn't able to say a word; he only looked at me in astonishment – and in panic.

"And what do we do know? What about Damon coming to join us? I bet we will have a lot of fun …"

Immediately Stefan turned around, just in the same moment Damon approached the room snarling "I would like nothing better than driving this little stake through your damn heart. We are still two and …"

Before he could finish the sentence Stefan had started to scream "Don't DARE to enter this room!" which made Damon stop in his movement immediately.

"Please THINK first, just for once. I NEED you to be outside. I need you to … protect … the … others."

"Ooh yeah thanks, Stefan. I nearly forgot. The others … does that include Elena, too? What was it like to kiss her, Damon?"

From his reaction I could easily see that it had been indeed Elena and Damon in the darkness on the terrace. His face had turned pale white and he just looked at Stefan, speechless and helpless.

"Hmm okay so I take that as a confirmation that Elena is indeed here. Why are you two so absolutely incapable to tell me the truth; just once? If someone wants to get information out of you, he or she really needs to be a very good analyzer of face expressions, voices and behavior. Thank god I, know you guys too well. But great; means that Stefan here can rot in this room until his little witch finds the right spell to remove the shield from this room …"

With that I gripped him threw him against the next wall and pinned him against it with one of his stakes. From the corner of the eye I could see how Damon was about to enter the room disregarding Stefan's order and how Stefan nearly pinned him to the ground with his eyes.

Then I turned around and approached the door, walking through it, throwing an astonished Damon against the wall of the corridor and pushed the second stake through his stomach, pinning him to the wall just as I did with Stefan. What a shame that I couldn't throw him into the room to his brother! These damn witches are really stupid! Who creates a spell to imprison vampires but they have to enter the room they get imprisoned in voluntary? What a nonsense! Well witches. Useful sometimes, but useless most of the times. But oh well the stake in Damon's stomach looked quite beautiful, too.

"And now gentleman …", I began turning around to face them both "… I will ask our lovely Elena who is standing outside on the terrace in this moment if she likes the party or if she would love to have some more … action."

With that I turned around and walked graciously in my short black dress down the corridor, feeling the hateful looks of the two piercing through me.

_Oh yes, I am devilish. I AM the devil._


	38. Piercing Words (Elena)

**Piercing Words (Elena) **

Even long after Damon had left, I was starring at the point where he had disappeared into the estate and out of my view, at the point where we had stood only minutes ago and had looked into each other's eyes. This look; his look. My heart was still beating a lot faster than it used to beat and I could still feel the intense gaze of his deep blue eyes literally everywhere. It had set my entire body on fire; leaving not a single place which had not went up in flames.

He had surprised me; not only yesterday. This plan to kill Katherine was really more than idiotic. Why did they always have to risk their lives for me? But this conversation … I had felt like I could talk about everything with him, as if he would have understood me … blindly. Even if I hadn't said a single word, he had been able to know how I had felt; as if our minds would have been connected. No, not only our minds; our … souls … like … soulmates. Immediately Jenna's words came back to my mind: "One day you will find him, your soulmate" … had I maybe found him already?

No! No! I loved Stefan; only … Stefan. But with him it was … different. But could you love someone and have a different person as your soulmate? Someone who knew you better than everyone else on earth … better than your best friends you knew since kindergarten, better than your … boyfriend? Someone who was always there for you, who knew to say the right words at exactly the right time, felt when you needed him?

Immediately I thought of his kiss. His lips on mine … In the first moment I had been incapable to do anything and I had felt his fear that I would beat him every moment. I had to laugh when I remembered his nearly shy, fearful approach. But in the moment his lips had touched mine I … had forgotten everything around me; all people on the terrace, the constant danger through Katherine, Stefan. All I had felt was his lips on mine, his hands on my cheeks, his body against mine. It had felt so right in this moment, so absolutely right. I had felt … home; like I had felt nowhere else before; as if my heart would finally have found it's home … I had felt our hearts beating in the same rhythm, even if that is technically impossible; the gentle, soft and passionate pressure of his lips on mine.

I lifted my hand to touch my lips, the lips he had kissed nearly an hour ago; or has it already been two?

_When I'm with him I always forget time and place. I'm just … happy; nothing else matters in these moments. _

I slowly turned around and walked down the stairs back to the black lake. Somehow it appeared to be darker now. And I felt colder. I shivered and wrapped my arms around my body. I hadn't really recognized how cold and dark it really had become while Damon had been with me.

_I never feel cold when he is with me; as if his presence is enough to light up the world around me and let me feel warm. _

I sighted and looked over the lake into the endless darkness on the other side.

He had changed; a lot. The first time I had met him and the following weeks he had perfectly proven that he had been the perfect macho, a total badass, with nothing good left inside of him. He had made many mistakes; he had killed Tanner, turned Vicky, taking away the first person with whom my brother had felt happy again after the death of our parents. He had killed Lexi, taking away Stefan's best friend for decades and he had hurt me in so many ways, so many times; proving me again and again that I had been wrong with my trust in him and now? Now he still made mistakes but … he regretted them, he felt responsible … he FEELT.

And I understood that he never ever had intended to hurt me voluntarily. He was just not … perfect. Like none of us was. And I could say that I was nothing better. I was even worse; because I had hurt him, too. The only difference was that he nevertheless had been there for me, had helped me, had supported me, had saved me, had tried everything to make it alright. I hadn't done that. I had judged him; told him to be heartless, cutting of every single connection, refusing every logical thinking, every trust. I had given up immediately. I had given him up from one moment to another because of one single mistake … and that had been the biggest mistake I had ever made in my life …

From the distance I could hear that the band had started to play the song we had danced to at the Miss Mystic Falls party and immediately the few minutes we spend dancing tonight came back to my mind. It had been incredible to dance with him when he had taken in Stefan's place month ago that day; and it had been even more incredible tonight.

I could still feel the place his hand had touched my back, his hand had held mine, how only the fact of feeling his body so close to mine had sent chills through my spine, my entire body. How we had turned around to the music, how I couldn't resist to lay my head on his chest; how I had felt his heartbeat speeding up, even if I knew that this has actually been impossible; how I had felt this close connection, this feeling of being save, to have nothing to worry about again, just like yesterday night; first in the rain and then in my bedroom when he had watched over me.

A slight smile appeared on my face which immediately turned into an expression of worry.

_I hope he is alright, I hope both are alright. _

* * *

**Shot in the Dark - Within Temptation**  
_  
Now I'm fighting this war since the day of the fall  
And I'm desperately holding on to it all  
But I'm lost  
I'm so damn lost_.

_In the blink of an eye  
I can see through your eyes  
As I'm lying awake I'm still hearing the cries  
And it hurts  
Hurts me so bad_

_'Cause your soul is on fire _  
_A shot in the dark,  
W__hat did they aim for when they missed your heart?'  
I feel you fading away_ ...

* * *

Lost in my thought, I hadn't heard that I wasn't alone anymore at the dark lake. When I heard a familiar voice I recoiled – and started to shiver.

"Hello Elena", the arrogant voice said. "I've heard that you were coming, too; so I thought that it would be unfriendly to leave without saying hello to my beloved doppelganger."

I slowly turned around; trying to hide my fear; but nevertheless my voice was trembling.

"What do you want, Katherine?"

"Hmm somehow I have been asked that question far too often today. So I won't repeat it again. Just ask your boy-, sorry, ex-boyfriend. But first you will have to remove that little stake out of him …"

"What have you done to him?" I screamed, suddenly not afraid anymore. If she had hurt … killed … him. I didn't even want to think about it.

"Relax. Your beloved Stefan is alive. He is just pinned to the wall in this nice room he wanted to imprison me in. The Lockwood's have so little pictures on their walls; I thought adding a hot guy would make the walls a bit more … colorful. I have to admit it looks a bit … cruel; but oh well."

I stared at her hatefully and suddenly a total different thought came to my mind. She hadn't said a word about Damon … was he?

"What have you done to Damon?" I hissed.

"Oooh yes, right, the second Salvatore. I forgot that you share the same interests as I do. Concerning that we are really the same. One guy doesn't seem to be enough for you either. But now between us two girls, who do you think is hotter? I mean; Damon's eyes are so blue but when Stefan is angry …."

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO DAMON?"

"Gosh! You really must have had a bad day; bad week. Yeah, I can understand that, such a break –up isn't very easy. Very emotional. But no need to be hysterical. Let's say the walls in the corridor needed some more color, too."

"I swear if you have hurt him, I will kill you!"

"You? Me? Oh, I'm dying to see that, my dear. But far more interesting to me is - who are you talking about now? When will you kill me? When I hurt Damon? Or your beloved Stefan? Or both?"

"You … damn arrogant bitch!"

"Hey, that is not the way a proper lady talks, my dear. You seem to have been influenced by the two Salvatores a lot concerning that. No manners at all."

"Don't tell me anything about manners!"

"Okay, I see you are incapable of girls talk. Then let's switch to the main topic."

Not even having finished the sentence, she had rushed over to me, gripped my throat with one hand and pressed me to the tree behind me. My feet were dangling in the air and her grip was so strong that I was barely able to breathe.

"And now, you listen, my dear doppelganger. I want you to stay out of Stefan's life. Forever. He has been mine and he will be mine again – forever. Do you understand me?" She hissed; her face so close to mine that I could see the evil in her eyes; eyes, which were gleaming red by now. I nodded nearly invisible.

"I said; do you understand me?" She yelled, her grip tightening even more around my throat.

She wanted to torture me. She wanted me to answer even though she knew that I was barely getting enough air not to faint.

_She is a monster, the pure evil, the devil in person. _

Tears started to build up in my eyes – and I didn't really know why. Maybe because her grip hurt my throat, maybe because I felt my lungs aching for air they wouldn't get, maybe because I knew that I would die tonight; and maybe because I couldn't say goodbye.

I couldn't apologize to Bonnie for all she had to go through because of my involvement with vampires. I couldn't apologize to Caroline because she had been turned into one because of me; because Katherine had wanted revenge. I couldn't hug Jeremy a last time and tell Jenna what for an amazing job she did as a surrogate mother. I couldn't tell Stefan that I loved him … and I couldn't look into those deep blue eyes which belonged to Damon one last time.

I closed my eyes, trying not to let the despair and fear of suffocating gain the upper hand. All the faces of the people that I loved flashed in front of my eyes. I was screaming inside, trying to fight against Katherine's grip around my throat but knowing at the same time that it was useless. My mind started to get blurry; I couldn't come up with a clear thought because of the lack of oxygen and I was about to give up when I suddenly relaxed; completely.

Something around me had changed, there was a presence, a light in the darkness that was about to enwrap me, making me feel totally calm from one minute to another. In this moment, I knew I wasn't going to die.

I opened my eyes again and stared behind Katherine up to the person who was standing on the stairs. Tears started to run down my cheeks. Even if she would kill me tonight, I had at least seen his face one last time … and his eyes. My mind was drifting away and everything that happened next I experienced only through a thick curtain.

"Let – go – of – her!" Damon's voice hissed.

"Wow, you got rid of that little stake quite fast. The fear about your beloved Elena must have motivated you a lot", she replied without turning around, without loosening her grip around my throat.

"But I guess you are too late. She doesn't look too … alive anymore."

As an answer I heard the most fearful snarl I had ever heard and seconds later the grip around my throat was suddenly gone. Coughing I slid down the tree and fell to the ground where I remained, trying to get as much air into my lungs as possible.

A cracking sound let me recoil and lift my head immediately; just to see how Katherine was thrown against a tree to my right hand. Only seconds later he had pulled her up from the ground, his hands tight around her throat and smashed her to the ground which cracked under the unbelievable strong force with which Damon had thrown her onto it. Both of his hands were wrapped around Katherine's throat and he was kneeling above her. When he spoke, I could barely recognize his voice.

"You dared to hurt her? I will kill you!" He hissed, his eyes gleaming red with pure anger and hatred, his fangs bared.

In this moment, I knew he would kill her because I had never seen him so angry. It was … frightened.  
But then he let go of her and within seconds he was at my side.

"Elena are you alright?" He asked; his voice which had been full of hatred only seconds ago, now fearful.

But I was incapable to answer. The hands who had just nearly strangled Katherine lay on my shoulders now and even if I could make out worry in his eyes, they were still gleaming red and his fangs were still bared from the outburst of rage. I looked at him frightful, not knowing how to react. My fearful look must have been more than obvious because in an instant Damon had retracted his fangs and his eyes turned to the deep blue I was so used to.

"I'm sorry. I …"

"It … it's alright." I stuttered.

"Can you …."

But Damon couldn't finish the sentence. Within seconds Katherine had appeared behind him, gripped his shoulder and thrown him against the tree, she had been thrown at. With a loud crack it burst at the place where Damon's body hit it. I recoiled. I knew he was able to stand a lot more; nevertheless it didn't keep me from gasping. But faster as I could make it out, he was on his feet again, starring at Katherine.

"I just wanted revenge. Now we're even."

"We are never even you damn bitch! Not when you hurt the people I care about!"

"Okay if you want it the brutal way."

With these words she was rushing over to Damon; wanting to throw him back against the tree but he was prepared now and reacted immediately. The next thing I saw was Katherine being pushed to the ground with one hand. But this time she was prepared, too. Before he could wrap his hands around her throat again she lifted her leg and pushed him off of her with the heel of her shoes.

The next moves were too fast for my eyes to catch. All I could make out was the sound of cracking ground or trees whenever a body hit it. I held my breath. She was way older than him, stronger, more experienced when it came to fights and he … had loved her.

The next crack let me suddenly rouse from my thoughts – because it wasn't the ground or a tree that broke. It sounded like … bones. And the scream let me shiver. Katherine was standing over Damon. His face was contorted in pain. Katherine lunged out with her foot and his body was slithering over the ground closer to the place where I was still lying on the ground. Within seconds Katherine was standing above him again, placing her sharp heel on his chest.

"And now Damon, are you still so eager to fight me? You will never win!"

"You damn bit…" but the rest of the sentence was interrupted by another scream. Katherine had pierced her heel further into his chest.

"You are so unbelievable stupid! Why do you do all of this? Why do you risk your life for her? You don't want to tell me …" She paused when she saw his look – full of hatred and … concern. "No! Oh no! Damon, you don't want to tell me that you fell for her! Really? You risk her life because you love her?"

My heart began to beat faster at her words. I didn't know what to think nor what to feel. My mind was totally confused but Katherine didn't give me much time to sort my thoughts.

"So your brother's girlfriend … again. You know how it ended in 1864! Hadn't that been a lesson for you? You had died for a woman who NEVER loved you! Do you really want to make the same mistake again?"

"At least this time it would be worth it." Damon hissed; his breathing unsteady and fast.

"Worth it? Don't you see? She will NEVER love you! You will die for a woman who will never ever love you - again!"

"Even if you are right, it doesn't matter to me. I would die for her, always."

I could see the concern in his eyes – and at the same time the … sadness. I swallowed.

_He would give his life for me … always … no matter what I feel for him … no matter if I hate him or … love him._

"You are so damn stupid. It is such a shame. But well if you want it this way."

With lightning speed she rushed to the next tree and broke of a huge branch, then broke it into parts – with sharp endings. Just like … stakes. I gasped.

"I don't mind killing you", she went on; now standing over him again. "What do you mean to me?"

With all her force she smashed the first stake into his shoulder. His scream let my heart shatter. I gasped. My breathing fastened. No … no …

"I already told you, do you remember? This evening … when you were begging me to be honest with you, to tell you the truth … just once … how you told me that you missed me all these damn 145 years?"

Another stake was smashed into his shoulder. I recoiled when I heard another scream.

"Poor Damon … first the love of his last 145 years refuses him and then his present love …"

My mind was whirling. What was she talking about? What evening? What had happened between them that evening? And why did she say she had refused him and then … no … not … THIS … night …

"I never missed you, not a single moment in my entire life and I will not miss you if I kill you now."

Two stakes into each of his legs.

"And she …", she pointed towards me, "… will never miss you either because she only wants your brother! As always!"

A stake into his stomach.

"I never loved you in my entire life! You were just an adventure to entertain me! You never meant anything to me! Anything!"

Two stakes into his hands.

His screams were tearing me apart, let my heart shatter. It felt as if I would be staked, too, as if a stake was driven into my heart again and again. And I could see that not only the stakes were hurting him … the words hit him more than every stake could ever hit him.

"And I tell you; with our little substitute it's no difference!"

With these words she kneeled above him, one last stake in her hand, above her head, pointing to his heart.

"Noooooooo!"

With all the strength I had left I rushed over to them and wrenched the stake out of Katherine's hands. Luckily I surprised her with this move otherwise I wouldn't have been able to get it from her. Heavily breathing I stood in front of her with the stake in my hand.

"It is completely different with me, you damn bitch! I'm NOTHING like you! Nothing! And I will never ever let you kill him; because he is one of the most important persons in the world for me. He means everything to me!"

"Really? So you don't mind dying for him?"

With these words I could feel her hands wrap around my throat again, tighter than ever before.

"No … I … don't … mind." I hissed haltingly, her grip around my throat tightening. Her eyes were burning red; devilish.

In this moment, for the first time ever, I wished I would be a vampire who could easily free herself and rip these damn arrogant eyes out. But all I could do now was to hold onto the last bit of strength I had left inside of me, to look to Damon one last time who desperately tried to free himself of the stakes no matter how much it hurt him. I could see that it was difficult for him to suppress a scream – of pain, of anger. I tried to signalize him that he should stop trying, stop hurting himself because it was useless to fight Katherine. If she wanted someone dead, he or she would be dead. But even while I tried to stop him, I already knew that he wouldn't. No matter if it would mean that he would die, too.

_"__I would die for her, always."_

A tear ran down my cheek as I closed my eyes to prepare myself for the inevitable time when I would have no air left in my lungs.

And suddenly, just like the first time, the grip around my throat loosened. I opened my eyes in surprise and saw that Damon had managed to wrench his left arm out of the stakes in his hand and shoulder. His jacket was torn at the places Katherine had smashed the stakes into and huge amounts of blood ran out of the wounds. Nevertheless he had gripped Katherine's ankle.

"If you want to kill her, you will have to kill me first", he said with unbelievable concern in his voice and eyes.

Then he threw her to the ground. Completely surprised by this sudden move, she let go of me and I sank to the ground beside Damon. But within seconds Katherine was on her feet again, gripped the stake I had let fallen to the ground and stood over Damon again. Her eyes were full of anger – and concern, just like Damon's; just that they were concerned that the hands which were holding the stake would smash it into his heart every moment.

I gasped and wanted to attack her a second time when she suddenly let the stake drop to the ground and screamed in pain, her hands pressed against her temples. I turned my head to the left and saw Bonnie, Stefan and a woman I had never seen before on the top of the stairs. The woman slowly walked downstairs, the moonstone in her hand.

"You should have told me that a witch was involved. She is a Bennett witch, Katherine! But I'm sure you knew that."

With that she threw the moonstone right in front of Katherine who was now kneeling on the ground in pain.

"My duty is over. I owe you nothing anymore."

"I apologize for my involvement", she went on, this time speaking in my and Damon's, then Stefan and Bonnie's direction who had come closer. When she turned around and walked upstairs Katherine broke down and remained on the ground unconscious.

While Bonnie ran after her and Stefan remained in his position, unable to move, I rushed over to Damon and pulled on the stakes that were still pinning him to the ground. But Katherine had smashed them with such a force into him that a human's force would never have been enough to get them out.

"Stefan!" I screamed. "Come over and help me! We need to free him from these stakes!"

I seemed to have interrupted him in his thoughts but it didn't matter to me at the moment. All I wanted was to get these stakes out of Damon. He came over to me and within seconds the stakes were laying on the ground. Damon was free.

"Where have you been?" I asked angrily while I kneeled on the ground besides Damon and supported his shoulders so he could sit up.

_This damn bitch! I could kill her!_

"It is not his fault, Elena", Damon groaned while coming to a sitting position.

"Katherine was clever. I guess her witch, this dark-haired woman, had sensed the spell Bonnie had put on the room and warned Katherine. She had removed Bonnie's spell and created a new one – that Damon and I couldn't leave the room. This bitch is a damn good actress! She wanted to leave the room and acted as if she couldn't although she could have walked straight through the door and out of the room. Thank god I found out about the spell before Damon could enter the room otherwise … "

But he couldn't go on with the sentence. But I knew how it would have ended. Without Damon I would be dead by now. And now he was sitting here on the ground and his wounds were still bleeding like hell.

_Damn! Why don't they heal!?_

Stefan had recognized my worried look.

"He needs blood … a lot of blood", he said, his voice worried, too.

"Yeah awesome! And what shall we do? Kill the next person that comes close to the stairs?"

Stefan frowned and I could see that he was thinking about all the options we had; which were very limited.

"Do you think you can get him into your car?" He asked.

"Of course!"

"Guys I'm not dead. I can walk myself!" Damon interrupted us and stood up – only to nearly collapse to the ground again if Stefan and I wouldn't have reacted so fast and gripped his shoulders.

"Yeah, I see. You can perfectly walk alone!" I hissed.

_Gosh, I hate the stubbornness of the two! Help me? A vampire? Never! Sometimes I would love to slap them directly into the face with everything my human strength gives away!_

"You drive him to the estate as fast as possible; the refrigerator is full of bloodbags from the hospital. In the meantime I will call Bonnie and throw this bitch into the tomb she should have been in from the very beginning. Then I hope that Bonnie can manage to cast the spell on the tomb again that kept the vampires imprisoned all these decades. And then our little Miss here can rot in hell", He said, stepping against Katherine's lifeless body.

"Do you think you can make it to your car on your own with him? I'm really not eager to leave Katherine here alone. I don't know how long she remains unconscious and I absolutely don't want to risk that a furious vampire runs around – she will probably make her threat true and rip this town into pieces in one night", Stefan added.

"No problem. Be careful. I don't want that the same happens to you and Bonnie."

"I will. Now hurry", Stefan said and placed Damon's arm around my shoulder.

It was a lot more difficult to carry him on my own without Stefan's help and I nearly collapsed under his weight but Damon recognized it immediately and tried to walk as much by himself as possible. On the way to my car none of us spoke a word. With every step we made I could see the pain in Damon's face and I was happy when we reached the car and he could sit down. I got into the car myself and we left the Lockwood estate.

"Thank you." I said after a while.

"For what?" He replied, a crooked smile on his face which turned nearly immediately into a painful expression again.

"For saving me … again … for … risking your life … for me … again."

"You're welcome."

"Did you … were you … honest when you told Katherine that you … would … always die for me?"

"More than honest", he replied simply.

"I … I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything." And the slight crooked smile appeared on his face again.

Then we both remained silent and the only hearable sound was Damon's exerted breathing. I was intently looking onto the road, so many different thoughts; so many questions were swirling in my mind.

This evening had been so full of surprises and had raised so many questions. All I had wanted – like always – had been to spend a normal evening, going onto a normal party and – as always – it had ended in a total chaos.

Katherine had never threatened us so much before and I had never been more afraid of her than I was now. Tonight she had shown what she was really capable of – and she would have killed me and Damon if Stefan, Bonnie and the witch hadn't arrived in time. I was more than sure about that.

And yes she had hurt me physically; my throat was still sore from the tight grip of her hands; but what left me so … exhausted, so … sad was the mental pain. Not the pain I had been forced to feel but … Damon. And somehow it had been as if I had felt it, too. Her words had been like shots with wooden bullets directly into his heart – and I had been able to see it from the expression in his face.

But her words had also given me a lot to think about. She had talked about "the night" and about him being refused by her and then by his present love. Had she talked about the night he had come to me, drunken? Because she had told him that she never had loved him? And had he killed Jeremy because I had refused him, too? But he had known that I love Stefan. He should have expected that I wouldn't kiss him back. That couldn't be all that had happened.

_What the hell has happened in that night Damon?_

When I thought about asking him right away, I suddenly rouse from my thoughts. Damon. It was too silent in the car; no exerted breathing. I turned my head to face him and immediately jammed on the brakes so that the car came with a sliding to a stop. He wasn't breathing at all anymore. He was …

"Damon! Damon! Wake up!" I gripped his shoulders and shook him, my hands covered with blood in an instant; his blood.

"Damon! Please open your eyes!" I screamed, tears welling up in my eyes. "Please!"

With one arm I stroke over my face, wiping away the tears and leaving tracks of his blood on my skin.

_Blood … _

I turned my head to all sides desperately looking for something sharp.

"Damn! I need something sharp only now! Please!" I cursed, speaking to myself.

My eyes went out of the window and stared into the darkness, my thoughts swirling in my mind, desperately finding a way to save him. Then my look fell onto the street out of the window. We were on the same road he had found me yesterday night; the same old, brittle street.

I jumped out of the car and luckily found a sharp stone at the roadside immediately. I cut my wrist with the sharp edge and blood was immediately running out of the wound. I hurried back into the car as fast as possible.

"Damon, you need to drink, please." I begged him, holding my wrist against his mouth, desperately hoping for a reaction.

I could see how he started breathing heavily again as he smelled my blood and how dark veins appeared under his eyes. I sighted out of relief. But I hadn't expected what happened next. With a strength I wouldn't have expected from him, he pushed my wrist away from his mouth, leaving tracks of my blood back on his lips. With the sleeve of his jacket he wiped them away, then he turned his face away from me, trying to gain control again over the urge to drink my blood and forcing his fangs which had extended back.

"Damon!"

"I'm … sorry … Elena. I … can't."

"You can't?" I screamed. "If I had offered myself to you willingly in the past, you wouldn't have hesitated a moment!"

"Yeah … in … the … past."

I could see how exhausting it was for him to fight with me; ever single word was a huge effort for him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to fight with you. It is just … You nearly gave me a heart attack when you stopped breathing! I don't want to … loose you."

The crooked smile I loved so much appeared on his face again, and even if it was only a slight smile and followed by a painful expression, it calmed me.

"It is the easiest way. I don't know if I will survive another shock like this until we are back home", I added.

"If you would … drive instead of … cutting yourself … we would already be …home."

"You are unbelievable! But I promise you, if you do that again I will drench my blood into your mouth – if you want it or not - and I won't shrink from using violence if it is necessary", I said confident.

"Then … I need to be … extra careful … not to faint … again."

"Shut up or I will carry my threat out immediately." I said grimly and shook my head because of so much stubbornness.

The rest of the way we both remained silent. Damon really made his promise true and paid extra attention not to cause me a heart attack again; his breathing more rapidly than ever before; and I brooded about the reason why he had refused my blood. This man was really a huge mystery for me sometimes! In the past he would never ever had refused such an offer and now he had nearly hysterically pushed my arm away. I didn't get it! Either he desperately wanted to die or … I had no idea.

Damon instead seemed to enjoy watching me brooding with a grimly look on my face because he couldn't hold himself back to look at me from now and then, a grin appearing on his face whenever he did so. I didn't know if I should be happy about the fact that he could still smile in his condition or to slap him immediately. I decided for the first one and my face expression softened.

When we finally reached the mansion, I jumped out of my car as fast as possible and ran down into the cellar to get out as many bloodbags as I could carry out of the refrigerator. Then I hurried back to the car.

Relieved I watched how Damon drank one bloodbag after another. Finally some color came back to his face, his breathing slowed down, his blue eyes got the usual radiance back … and the crooked smile appeared on his face again; this time not followed by pain any longer.

* * *

**A/N:** Finally a new one! Sorry that it took me so long! My computer crashed and I had to get a new one at the weekend - damn expensive these things but for proper vidding it was necessary though - and now I am ill :/ But that means bed rest as much as possible and there is no better distraction than Damon ;) As an apologize; this chapter is pretty long compared to my usual chapter length. And it is one of my favorite ones. Oh how I love Within Temptation ...


	39. Is it all a lie (Damon Elena)

**Is it all a lie (Elena/Damon) **

* * *

**Within Temptation - Fire and Ice**

_Every word you're saying is a lie_

_Run away my dear_

_But every sign will say your heart is dead_

_You run away_

_You hide away_

_To the other side of the universe_

_Where you're safe from all that hunts you down_

_But the world has gone_

_Where you belong_

_And it feels too late so you're moving on_

_Can you find your way back home?_

_And I still wonder_

_Why heaven has died_

_The skies are all falling _

_I'm breathing but why?_

_In silence I hold on_

_To you and I_

_Every word you're saying is a lie … _

* * *

**Elena **

As soon as Damon was able to leave the car on his own, we entered the mansion and went into the living room.

I gladly took the glass of water that Damon handed me; then I went over to the window. I looked outside the huge folding doors that lead to the terrace. Behind the terrace I could make out the beginning of the forest of the Salvatore estate. All I could see were a bunch of trees, winding in the wind that had come up. I hadn't even recognized the change in weather. When I looked up, I saw that the clear sky had completely clouded up. The million stars I could have made out when we had been sitting at the lake this evening had vanished. The clouds that were chasing over the sky now, reminded me of the mess in my head. It was still swirling from everything that had happened today, everything that I had found out … or not yet. I didn't think about it for a second when I addressed Damon who was just pouring the last bloodbag into a Bourbon glass.

"What Katherine said today …" I began.

"Which of the thousand lies she told you, do you exactly mean?" He replied harshly, taking a sip out of his glass.

I recoiled from the tone in his voice and turned around to face him.

"E … Everything. That you lo…" I began but he interrupted me immediately.

"Every word she says is a lie, okay?" He hissed, smashing the glass onto the table. It remained intact. Yet.

I started at him speechless. I was shocked about the sudden change of atmosphere. Nothing was left from the connection we had shared while we had been talking, while we had been dancing, even while he had been trying to save my life. It was as if someone had cut the bond that had built up between us; the bond that had connected us. It was as if a huge wall had been build up between us.

_No, no I don't want this to happen. Again. I want to keep the Damon, I spend the evening with. The sensitive one, the caring one … the one who feels. The one who opens up to me. No lies, no pretending. _

"And what about the night she talked about? The night she refused you, the night … you came to my bedroom, drunk, and killed Jeremy? It was the same night, wasn't it?" I asked him nearly desperate; crossing the room, crossing the distance between us.

He didn't answer. He just stared at me; his breathing fastening; his nostrils flaring.

"She hurt you more than ever before that night, didn't she? That's why you got drunk. And that's why you killed my brother." My voice had become a whisper and I was standing in front of him now, looking up into his blue eyes. I could nearly see, feel the tension in his entire body. I lifted my hand. Outside the window it was suddenly silent. As if the wind had died down from one second to another. Or just … stopped for a moment.

"I understand it now", I whispered. And laid my hand on his cheek. Crossing his safe zone.

"You understand nothing! Absolutely nothing!" He screamed; turned around, gripped his glass and threw it across the room. It hit the folding doors in the same moment the first thunderbolt lit up the darkness. The glass broke.

I couldn't move. I couldn't even turn away from these eyes that were piercing me. It was as if I could see fire inside them, the fire of uncontrolled anger, just like Katherine's eyes today. And at the same time those blue eyes were like ice.

I absolutely didn't know what to say. I just stared back into these eyes, trying to read them, trying to read the truth in them but he shut me out completely. Tears started to build up in my eyes. What happened? What the hell happened in this short moment that changed him so much? From the Damon I started to ... love to the old Damon, the Damon I used to hate.

His eyes were nearly black now. I lifted my eyes from his, turned around and faced the folding doors again. Blood was dripping from the windows onto the floor where the broken pieces of the glass laid. Outside the darkness had even further enfolded. It was as if the entire mansion was enclosed in it. Fathomless; impenetrably; like a wall, a huge wall; like his eyes … shutting out everyone; even … me.

That was when the rage that was emanating from him spread over to me; when I caught fire.

_No, Damon, not this time._

I turned around to face him again.

"So that's it? After the last two days we spend together, after all we shared, you suddenly shut me out again? No, oh no, not this time, Damon. Now, you are going to tell me the truth. No lies, no pretending. No walls. Was it the night you killed Jeremy? Did you lose control because Katherine refused you? Why did it even hurt you? That woman is the most selfish person I have ever met in my entire life! You should have expected that she was just playing with you! Why is the normally oh so arrogant and distanced Damon, who nothing and no one can hurt, so vulnerable when it comes to her, huh?" I screamed, the tone of my voice becoming higher and higher; nearly high-pitched in the end.

Outside, the wind had started howling again. It had turned into a storm by now; a storm that was chasing cloud after cloud over the sky; haunting them.

"You want to know why? Because I loved her! Yes, even after 145 years I loved her! Like an idiot! Like a fool! Because that's what love does to people! Making them fools, making them vulnerable!"

There was a constant change of thunder and lightning outside the window now. One moment the room was lit up, enlightening Damon's face, Damon's eyes, making him look even more threatening. And in the next moment a deafening thunder was audible, drowning every other sound.

"And why is that so wrong? To be vulnerable?"

"Because it is a weakness!"

"No, because it is human!"

"Leave. Immediately", he whispered. I didn't miss the threatening tone in his voice. It was more than obvious.

I looked into his eyes once more. Darkness, nothing but darkness … A single tear ran down my cheek.  
Silently I walked across him and to the entrance door. I paused when I reached the door.

"Why didn't you want to drink my blood back in the car?" My voice was nothing more than a whisper but I knew he could hear me.

He sighted.

"You wouldn't understand. Just like everything else", he answered resigned.

Without another word I opened the door and closed it behind me, leaving him in his own world, in his castle of walls and darkness.

I got into my car and let my head drop onto the steering wheel. I could still scent the smell of Damon inside it. It made the tears that I had hold back so successfully while I was facing him, start to drip down my cheeks. I took a deep breath, wiped them away and put the car into reverse. Then I left the mansion and Damon behind me.

Although I had known that every word I had said would hit the nail on the head, I felt like I knew nothing. I knew that there was still so much more to the entire story but to the entire mystery that was Damon Salvatore as well. Although it might seem different but in the end it was not Stefan who was the fragile one, the one who was vulnerable … and probably with that closest to humanity.

I knew by far not everything about their past but I dared to say that Damon had gone through a lot more. I didn't know what it was that had made him like this. There wasn't probably one certain event. I guessed that it had been a row of events that had made him the person he was. A person who hid his true personality behind a huge massive wall of stone.

Here and now you got a glimpse of the person that he had used to be, without walls, without darkness. That was the person who you could talk to about everything and he just sat there and listened and helped you … even without saying a word. Just with being at your side.

He could lay a hand on your back, taking your hand into the other and dance with you … making you forget the whole world around you, everyone. It was just you and him. You stared into his eyes, in this deep blue eyes and you saw devotion. You felt this tension, this passion, this chemistry.

He rescued you, didn't mind to give his life for you, let himself nearly stab to death, letting himself insult in the meanest, hurting way by the woman he had once loved just to save your life.

But as soon as you began to dig too much, too deep … one wrong word, a simple word could turn everything into the opposite. It could trigger him to raise his walls again, every time an inch higher and thicker.

I could blame no one but myself. I had been the one who had triggered these walls to raise up again, with one wrong word. I hadn't thought about it, I had just … acted. Because after the last days I thought that we could talk about everything; that we could be honest with each other; that I could be the person for him with whom he can just be … himself; that I would be the one with whom he didn't need his walls. Maybe I was wrong about that.

This fire and this ice in his eyes … the anger and the coldness. That was the thing that had hurt me the most. He could insult me as much and as often as he wanted, I knew when it was a lie. When he had tried to hide behind his walls of insults and screams, his eyes had always told me the truth. But this time it was different. This time they were fire and ice at the same time. Full of anger and full of coldness … anger about my questions; about everything and coldness; completely shutting me out.

I breathed in deeply; my hands on the steering wheel were trembling.

_Why do you always have to destroy everything, Damon? Why? Why can't you just be honest to me? Why do you always hide into your own world … where nobody can reach you? Why do you always have to run away from your feelings? Where is the connection we had? The connection that felt so much like having found my soulmate? Was it all a lie?_

**Damon **

"Damn!" I slammed my fist into the wall; then I went with my hands through my hair.

_Why do I always have to be such an idiot? Why do I always have to ruin everything? Destroy the connection to her? The connection that was so obvious, so special._

I was breathing fast by now and trembling, trying to hold back the tears that started to build in my eyes. From sadness, from despair because I had hurt her again, maybe even lost her again. From anger about myself because I had been such a damn idiot.

I couldn't think straight, thousand different thoughts were swirling in my mind, pictures, words … like a hurricane, like the storm outside, haunting me.

Deep brown eyes staring into mine … Her fury about our idiotic plan making me laugh … Katherine's hands wrapped around Elena's throat …_"May I have the pleasure of this dance?" _… a frightened look … a bench at a lake wrapped in darkness … her laugh … _"You are my light in my endless darkness …"_ She taking my hand … my lips toughing hers … _"She will NEVER love you"_ … her head on my chest … fire … electricity … tension … the beat of her heart … _"Be careful, Damon"_ … stakes … _"If you want to kill her, you will have to kill me first!"_ … words … _"He means everything to me!"_ … pain …_"Damon! Please open your eyes!" _… tears … the taste of blood … her blood … _"She only wants your brother!"_

I screamed; a loud, desperate, furious scream; a scream no one would care about; because I was alone … again.

I slowly walked upstairs to my bedroom. Yesterday around this time I had hold her in my arms, carried her to my car through the rain, her heart beating against mine, beating for my dead heart, reviving it. The last thing I had seen of her that night before I had closed my eyes had been her face and a slight peaceful smile on her face while she had fallen asleep. This smile had been because of me; because I had been there for her; because I had let her forget all the pain.

Tonight at the same time I had looked into the same face but this time it had shown anger, disappointment and worst of all sadness. The last thing I had seen of her tonight had been her tears. These tears had been because of me; because I had hurt her … again.

I took of my jacket and threw it into the next corner; then I walked over to the bathroom. The mirror showed me a shirt that was covered all over with huge tracks of blood; on the arms, the shoulders, the stomach. But the places Katherine had smashed in her stakes were unharmed, they didn't hurt.  
And although one place was still shining white in the reflection of the mirror, it seemed to have bled the most. It was still bleeding. Still hurting; like hell. The place my heart was supposed to be.

Why? Why did it seem to be unharmed when it felt like bleeding the most? Why did it hurt so much when it was supposed to be dead?

I supported myself on the lavatory with my hands, facing the ground, trying to keep my breathing under control.

I could blame no one but myself. It was my fault; my own. From one moment to the other the atmosphere had changed, I had changed; I had collapsed and destroyed everything that had build up between us again in the last two days because I couldn't keep the façade up any longer; because I couldn't endure it any longer; couldn't shut out the thoughts, the truth any longer, I had in my mind since Katherine had stood over me and pierced me … with words.

Damn! I had never wanted to give this bitch the force to hurt me again, to influence me again! So why did her words hurt me so much? Why did they make me burst out? The answer is obvious. Because this time, this one single time her words weren't a lie.

Yes, to hear again that she never missed me, never loved me, was indeed cruel and it had hurt but they didn't hit me to the core, into my heart, like that night when she had said them first. I was done with her, completely, forever. She meant nothing to me anymore.

But what had hurt me, what had hit me directly into my heart, more than all the stakes she had smashed into my legs, my arms, my stomach, was her comparison with Elena; a comparison that had destroyed everything I had started to hope for.

Katherine had been right, it was indeed like in 1864 and at the same time it was totally different. Because I was not human anymore, I was a vampire and I was not the old naïve Damon anymore. I knew that she would never be mine; I should know that she would never be mine. All that would ever be mine was the darkness. The darkness would belong to me forever.

And nevertheless I couldn't stop it, couldn't deny it; just switch these feelings off, the hope. I loved her. I truly and deeply loved her with all my heart. And it would destroy me. It nearly had destroyed me today. And I wouldn't have minded it. For me there would be no world anymore if she wouldn't be a part of it any longer. And that's why I would die for her.

I had a long life, even if you couldn't really call it a life. All I had done as a human had been fighting against my father and protecting my brother and when I had become a vampire, I had spend my entire time trying to find a way to free the woman who had always loved my brother out of a tomb she had never been in. That hadn't been a life.

But then I met her and she showed me a different life. It wouldn't have been a long time, only a few month but I would never want to exchange these month for anything in the world. Because they were the best month of my life. She became my life.

So why? Why couldn't I just make her happy? And why did I always have to make her sad? To destroy every connection between us? Why? Because I couldn't be the one! Because it would never be me! I knew I shouldn't let Katherine have any influence on me anymore but she had shown me how stupid I was to believe that something had changed between us, that there had been devotion in her eyes when she had looked at me after we had stopped dancing, that there had been a chemistry we had never felt before between us when I had hold her in my arms, turning around to the music, that she had been sad when I had told her that I had only kissed her because of Katherine. She loved Stefan, only Stefan … and it would always be him.

I wanted to stop the thoughts that were driving me insane, the thoughts that were torturing me, but I couldn't. They were like a tornado in my mind, unable to stop.

I thought I could simply accept the fact, endure it. Being with her, pretending to be the good friend, she could always count on; locking away every feeling I had for her. Yesterday, even today on the ball I had thought it would work. I had been optimistic, just enjoyed being with her, having her around me. But Katherine had changed everything; she had reminded me that it was impossible.

I never wanted to be rude, to explode like this, I didn't want to scream or fight with her but she hadn't understood; she hadn't understood what Katherine's words meant to me, what they had shown me. And how could she understand them? She still believed that Katherine had been the reason for everything; that I had exploded because of her … that evening I had killed Jeremy and today in front of her.

_Why do you not understand that it all comes down to you, Elena? That you are the reason? _

I was desperate in this moment, helpless. I couldn't stand her questions, the questions I feared the most. Questions which raised memories of a night I had buried deep inside and questions I would never be able to answer; because it would kill me; because I didn't want to see the pity in her eyes, the same pity I saw in Katherine's eyes that night. To let her tell me just as Katherine did, that my dream would never come true.

And even worse … that history kept repeating itself over and over again. As if fate wanted to tease me, no not tease but to punish me. For simply being … me. It hadn't only been the "I never loved you" that had killed me; that had made me kill Jeremy. I had become used to the fact of not being loved, of being hated instead. There had been only one woman in my entire life who had loved me, and who I had trusted to love me so far. My mother. My mother who had been taken away from me by my brother, with his birth.  
Katherine had been the first woman I had trusted again after years. And just as innocent as he had been when he had taken away my mother, he had taken away this woman I had loved so deeply. Because fate simply had decided that I didn't deserve to be happy; that a person like me should never be happy. I should have known it when I met Elena. I should have known how all of it would end when I fell in love with her. And yet, I was so stupid as to believe that maybe this time it would be different. I swallowed.

In this moment when she had stood in front of me in the living room, it had been like everything was crashing down on me, like my dream world had been destroyed. I had woken up because of Katherine's words that had teased me for my foolishness to believe there would be the possibility of me and her, Damon and Elena.

That had been the reason I had refused her blood; even if it would have meant my death. It wasn't meant for me. It would never be meant for me. I still have this scene in the car so visible in front of my eyes, the smell and the taste of her blood on my lips.

I had watched her from the side. She had looked so beautiful, as always, even brooding about my confession that I would always risk my life for her. I hadn't really recognized myself that I had started to feel worse. Suddenly my eyes just hadn't wanted to stay open any longer and with the image of her beauty in my mind I had just closed them. I had barely heard her screaming my name, gripping my jacket and shaking me. All I had been able to think of had been that finally the pain had been fading and all I had had in my mind had been the moment tonight when we had stopped dancing, just looking into each other's eyes, how our lips had come closer and how I nearly had kissed her again.

I just hadn't wanted to awake because this world had felt so much better; because in this world it had been me who had been t her side, I had been the one. I had been hers.

But then I had smelled blood. Her blood. I had tasted it on my lips and I had brutally been drawn back to the present, to the real world. She hadn't understood why I had pushed her arm away, refused her blood and she had been right when she had said that in the past I would never have missed such an opportunity.

_In the past … _

The past, that was not more than a few month ago.

_But don't you see that so much has changed in these two month, Elena?_

It had been difficult to restrain myself. To fight against my basic need. But a fear had been more prominent than this basic urge of every vampire. I had been afraid she would be frightened by me again, just like when I had attacked Katherine and come to her to check if she was alright. Her fear when she had looked into my eyes, not blue but gleaming red, when she had seen my bared fangs … I couldn't have stood to see this look again, to see how she would have forced herself not to be frightened, fighting against the will to run away, fighting against her basic instinct. An instinct every human being had when it was facing evil, a monster who wanted to harm it.

But there was another, even far more important reason; I simply couldn't drink her blood. Taking blood from a stranger, a victim was just to feed your need. The only reason to draw blood from a stranger was to silence your urge and to stay alive. But drinking her blood … would be something very … special and connecting. Just like all the other things, she hadn't understood that I couldn't drink the blood of the person I loved so much with all my heart while knowing at the same time that this blood was always meant for one person … but that I would never be that person. That's why I would have rather preferred to die tonight than drinking her blood.

_In the end it doesn't all come down to you, Elena. It comes down to you and him. You and my brother. _

But she would never understand it; just as she would never get to know what she really meant to me.

I knew I made it actually very clear today but there was yet such a huge gap between showing someone that she was very important to you and actually standing in front of her and telling her that you loved her … as much as you have never loved a woman before. This is a step I would never be able to take. And did it matter in the end if she would know it or not? She and me, that would never be, never happen.

_"__He means everything to me." _

She had said that to Katherine, had risked her life to save me just like I had saved her. I meant everything to her. This little sentence had given me back the strength to fight Katherine. To free myself from the stakes even though it had hurt like hell. Because I meant everything to her and she meant everything to me. But in the end her words meant nothing. Because she meant everything to me but she didn't belong to me. She belonged to my brother. And would always belong to him.

When we had talked on the bench at the lake, when we had danced and I had hold her in my arms, when she had laid her head on my shoulder and let my lifeless heart beat faster, when she had looked me in the eyes and when I had been about to bent down to kiss her a second time … these moments had made me hope; a stupid hope. Shattered like a mirror into a million pieces when Katherine had been standing over me, holding a stake in her hand that had pointed to my heart, reminding me of where I belonged. Into the darkness; alone; not at her side.

She had destroyed my hope of ever being the man at her side and had brought me back to the ground. Hard; brutally. And I had reacted in the only way I had ever learned. I had run away, hide away from everything that haunted me down. To the only place I knew – a place only I knew, where nobody could follow me. A world protected by huge massive stone walls …

Abruptly I lifted my head and smashed my fist into the mirror, letting it shatter into a million pieces … like my hope, like my connection to her … like my heart.

A tear was running down my cheek and dripped into the lavatory. I gripped the broken pieces of the mirror with my bare hands and crushed them in my fists to even smaller fragments. Blood began to drip out of the cuts, flowing faster and faster but I just closed my fists even stronger around the pieces of glass.

I didn't want to feel this pain any longer; I didn't want my heart to ache any longer! It should stop! The pain should stop! I couldn't endure it any longer!

_Don't you see Elena? Don't you understand? I know, I wasn't honest with you, I lied when I said that Katherine's words were a lie but don't you understand that it was the only way … to lie? It was the only way to protect me. I had let you into my heart, had let you see behind the façade. _

_I don't regret it but … I reached a point I can't go on any longer. It costs so much strength to fight all the time, to be with you, fighting the feelings, the hopes. You made my heart beat again but it is better that it stays dead. It is less painful, less destroying. And yet … impossible. Why? Why is it impossible?_

_Don't you understand that I had to bury the memories of what happened that night? To bury the memories of what happened between us the last two days? Katherine's words, your blood, your questions, when you left … don't you understand why I lied? Why I had to lie? That I didn't want to hurt you? Never wanted to hurt you? That while the door was closing behind you it felt like heaven had died for me? That the skies had fallen down? _

Slowly I let the broken pieces fall back into the lavatory and turned around. The blood from my wounds was dripping to the ground now, leaving black tracks as I walked through my room to the balcony doors and stepped into the cold night.

_I am still breathing … but why? My heart aches although it is supposed to be dead … but why? Because of you … don't you see that it is all because of you? That while I try to hide into my world, I recognize that this world where I belong is gone? Because you destroyed it by showing me a different way, by showing me I am not alone? By showing me I don't need this world? And that now I'm lost … because I need you, my heart needs you ... but it can't have you … and at the same time I can't hide into my world to shut out the feelings either? That I can't find my way back home … because I have no home anymore?_

_Don't you understand how difficult it is for my heart? To … trust? To be honest? To let down the shields? To let the fire, the fire you enflamed, burn the ice around my heart? A heart that never learned to trust, a heart that has always been alone … a heart that never learned what it is like to be loved …?_

I lifted my eyes from the ground and started into the darkness. My darkness ...

* * *

_A sky clear and full of stars … like hope … becoming clouded, starless.  
Chasing clouds … like a person haunted by his own memories, his own demons.  
A wall of unbreakable stone … like darkness … fathomless, endless, shutting out every stray of light that might shine through.  
And a broken glass … like a broken bond. The pieces hurting … each of them. _

* * *

**A/N: **Because this is a special chapter for me, I thought that it is time for a special thank you. I want to thank dominikaww for her constant reviews and a very special thanks goes out to RosalieRowan! Your reviews are amazing and help me so much! Dank je erg wel ervoor! 3 Keep your reviews coming girls! And the rest who is reading: I never mind a word or two about my FF - takes less than a minute ;) And a writer is nothing without her readers!


	40. Caught (Elena)

**Caught (Elena) **

_I can't believe it … How has that happened? _

I was sitting on an old couch in an even older villa in the middle of nowhere; with two vampires. And these vampires were not Stefan and Damon. In my fist I was holding a piece of paper … clinging to it, hiding it from those two strangers; because it was my last hope.

Yesterday night everything had been … alright. No, not alright but … I had been … safe. I had driven through the darkness back to my home, my thoughts swirling around the fight with Damon. A fight I still didn't completely understand.

When I had opened the front door I had begged that Jenna wouldn't be awake anymore. If she would have seen me in such a condition, she would have collapsed. As fast and silent as I could I had rushed upstairs, slid into my room and locked the door. All I had been able to hear had been laughter out of Jenna's room. Ric must have still been there. I guess, I had never been more thankful to have him here.

When I had walked to the bathroom and looked into the mirror, I had recoiled. I had looked even worse than I had imagined. Nothing had been left of the beautiful white dress. There had been blood and dirt everywhere. My face had been covered with black tracks of make-up, my eyes had looked tired and exhausted and there had been dark shades on my throat where Katherine's hands had strangled me.

As fast as I could, I had washed away the make-up and tried to make me look normal. Then I had gotten out of the dress, into my pajamas and walked back to my room.

When I had wanted to wrap myself in the warm bedspread my hand had touched something. A piece of paper. With a note on it I knew out of my head because I had read it over and over again. Within seconds all the images of the night had come crashing down on me again. The kiss, the bench, the dance, Katherine, his words, his eyes.

I had stared to the dark ceiling and although I had been so tired my eyes hadn't want to shut; because of one single thought, one name.

_Damon._

Again, the image of his eyes had flashed in front of my eyes … so dark, so cold. I had swallowed. Last night I had been lying exactly like this in my bed and I had heard a sound outside of my window. He had come to watch over me, to protect me while I had been sleeping … and I had smiled. I had felt happy and safe despite all the horrible events that had taken place. This night I had been alone, totally alone in my dark room and the tree outside had remained empty.

_It can't end like this. I can't lose him. As much as I want to know the truth, all of it, I have to be patient. And I have to assure him that I am. That I will not push him again. I have to save our connection. This is all my fault. I have to fix it. _

As fast as possible I had jumped out of my bed, into a pair of jeans and a long sleeve and into my car. I had rushed through the darkness barely paying attention to the road but thinking about how to confront him. Only in the last moment I had seen the dark figure lying on the street and jammed the brake. I had breathed deeply in and out.

_I really have a tendency to get involved in accidents! I really had enough of them lately! _

I hadn't had much time for thinking, nor for deciding what to do. Within seconds the stranger had rushed over to me, opened the door before I could even think about locking it and dragged me out of the car. The last thing I had remembered was that a cloth had been pressed against my mouth and then I had faded away into the darkness.

When I had awoken, I had been lying on the old couch and a man had been leaning over me, his eyes had gleamed red and his fangs had been bared. A vampire. I had shivered.

_Should it really end like this? Killed by some unknown vampire? _

I had closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable pain of the sting and getting my blood drawn out against my will. But it hadn't happened. Instead I had heard a female voice.

"Trevor! Control yourself!"

Her voice had been harsh, determined. She had made it clear very fast that she wasn't human either; that she knew Katherine; that she knew me and that she wasn't going to answer any questions.

After I had awoken from another … knock out; I had heard them talking in a room close to the huge hall the couch was standing in. And they had been talking about things I didn't like. They had said a name … Elijah. And about delivering a message, about running. Vampires running? From who? Who could be that frightening that a vampire had to run from him? Elijah? And about a deal, a deal they needed me for?

When I had reached the corridor I had been able to see the two walking up and down at the very end. To my left, halfway down the corridor, I had made out the only way out, the way to the stairs.

_I had to risk it. It was my only chance to get away … alive. _

As silent as I had been able to, I had walked over the old, frail plank flooring, only my way out in front of my eyes. But this old villa hadn't been made for silent escapes, especially not when you try to escape from vampires without making a sound. When one of the wooden floor boards had cracked, barely hearable for human ears, the two had turned their heads immediately towards me and within seconds the woman had been standing in front of me.

"There is nothing around here for miles. If you think you can get out of this house I will proof you wrong, you understood me?"

She had threatened me in the same harsh tone as before. I had known that I shouldn't have risked it because she really would have been able to kill me but if they really needed me for the deal with this Elijah they better let me stay alive.

So I had taken the risk of getting knocked out again, I had wanted answers. When I would be … sold to some mysterious person, who could only be a vampire, I had wanted to know at least who this person was and why he needed me!

It hadn't been that easy and the woman had kept giving me evasive answers but that hadn't kept me from going on to ask questions over questions – when you spend most of your time with two vampires who were professionals in hiding everything from you, you got a really high level of patience and the ability to get on their nerves until they would tell you what you wanted to know. It hadn't been different with this woman and the man had seemed to be chatty about his past anyway.

I had gotten to know that Elijah is one of the Originals – whatever that meant; that she knew Damon and Stefan from an old friend and that they needed me to negotiate because I was a "Petrova – Doppelganger" and the key to breaking the sun and the moon curse.

They needed my blood, my sacrifice to break the curse. The Originals needed me. The "first family, the old world" as Trevor had said. And they, him and Rose, had caught me so they could use me for a deal – my life, the doppelganger, for a mistake they had made 500 years ago, a mistake they regretted since 500 years – having trusted Katherine, the first doppelganger.

I hadn't known what to say, nor what to think. I had been overwhelmed by the huge amount of information they had given me – so much information, so many new questions. But one thing I had known for sure. I wouldn't be able to survive this deal. There would be no hope for me. The only hope would never be able to find me here in this wasteland and especially not in time.

I had walked back to my couch, hopeless, ready to face my inevitable fate. What else should I do? Cry? Scream? Begging them to let me go? Let me live? After 500 years of running they wouldn't have any pity for a stranger who could be their ticket into freedom.

When I had sat back on the couch and wrapped my arms around my chest, I had suddenly recognized a small piece of paper under my foot. I had grabbed it and enfolded it. In her familiar scrawly handwriting Bonnie had written a message that had given me new hope; hope that I would see my family, my friends, Stefan and Damon again.

"Stefan and Damon are coming for you. - B"

They were coming! They were really coming to save me! But … did I really want that? I didn't know this Elijah … and when two old vampires like Rose and Trevor were afraid of him; then this Elijah wasn't one you could easily kill with a little wooden stake; at least not before he would kill you.

And again they were risking their lives for me. I appreciated it, I really didn't want to die but not if that meant that they would have to give their lives to save mine. What would it matter in the end if I would be save; but I had lost them? How should I ever live with that? How should I ever live without … them?

It was kind of ridiculous. Some month ago I hadn't even known that this world existed. That vampires existed. And now I would risk my life, now I would die, only to protect them. But they had changed my life. I had never been really happy. I had always felt that something was missing in my life. I had awesome friends, I had Matt, I was a cheerleader, a normal high school student. But there was still something not right, something was missing … someone.

And then I had met him, I had met them. And he had changed my world in an instant. Yes, it had crashed down in an instant, too. Not only once. With them came death and fear and cruelty, without him my life would be a lot easier but it would be … empty, too. And I didn't only speak of Stefan because it was not just him. I never loved someone so much than I loved him and I never felt so happy with someone before but … with Damon it was even different. There was this special bond between us … and sometimes he was the only person who understood me … soulma…

My thoughts had been interrupted immediately when Trevor had burst into the room – totally in panic. I had frowned. Something had been wrong in this scene. But I hadn't gotten it.

"This was a mistake, Rose! A terrible mistake!"

"No, Trevor, I told you I will get us out of this! Trust me!"

"He wants me dead!" Trevor had screamed.

"He wants her more!"

"No, I can't do this! You give her to him! I need to get out of here!"

"Hey, what are we?" Rose had answered taking his hands into hers.

"A family." Trevor had replied, breathing heavily. "Forever."

That had been the moment when I had gotten it. When I had gotten what had been so wrong about this scene. They were scared. Something totally normal … but not when you were a vampire; not unless the vampire who would arrive was … dangerous like hell and could kill you in the blink of an eye …

"Stay here with her and don't make a sound." Rose had advised; then she had left the room.

And that's where I was now. That's the story how I had gotten into this damn old villa onto this damn old couch.

I tried to prepare myself for what was coming. I tried at least. But how do you prepare for the end? In this moment I wished Stefan and Damon would come too late. Even if they were two against one I had the bad feeling that two wouldn't be enough.

My hands slowly started to tremble and my breathing fastened. I should be used to that. To situations like this. Only yesterday I had been in a life and death situation. The problem was … Katherine wanted me dead. She would have killed me. Period. This Elijah … they needed my sacrifice, my blood. Where would he bring me? What would they do to me? How woudl they kill me?

I didn't have the time to think about answers because Rose appeared in the entrance again and behind her a man. A man I would never have expected to be dangerous if I wouldn't have known what he was. He wasn't that tall, normal height, he was wearing an elegant suit which made the whole scene look like he was coming for a meeting not a killing mission and his eyes looked … concerned and … friendly … and all of that together made him even more frightening.

I didn't know what I had expected, maybe a tall man with fierce angry eyes – a monster. But this man was the total opposite. He looked like a nice gentleman – and that made him even more dangerous. Behind this elegant façade and this friendly looking eyes laid an unbelievable danger … and coldness.

Within seconds he was standing in front of me, his eyes staring into mine, piercing into my soul. Tears of fear built up on my eyes and I couldn't suppress the shivers anymore. His face came closer and closer to mine; then he lowered it towards my throat. I thought this would be the end. Now he would bury his fangs in my neck and kill me. But nothing happened. He lifted his head again, his look indifferent.

"Human. This is impossible."

And what he did next made me shiver harder than ever before.

"Hello, my dear", he said with a smile on his face – with the cruelest smile I had ever seen. It was just like his eyes, friendly but at the same time you saw the unbelievable danger, the cruelty which laid in this smile. It told me that I would gonna die.

"We have a long journey ahead of us. We should be going."

Long journey … what did that mean? Hours? Days? Weeks? If I would leave this house with him, there wouldn't be any chance for Stefan and Damon to find me. With walking over the door step I would sign my own death sentence. I wanted to keep the façade up. I didn't want to beg or cry or scream and show them how afraid I was of him but in this moment it was too much.

"Please don't let him take me!" I begged Rose.

I could clearly see that she didn't want to do it. That she felt remorse because she turned her head away to face the ground immediately when her eyes met mine. But she had no chance. Me or her freedom.

"Just one last piece of business, then we are done", Elijah interrupted my thoughts while turning to face Trevor.

What happened next was like a horror movie and let me beg; pray again that Damon and Stefan wouldn't find me in time. Trevor begged him for forgiveness while Elijah was walking slowly around him with an expression on his face that made it impossible to say what he was thinking, if he was going to forgive him. When Elijah told him that he granted forgiveness I thought that he might not be as bad and frightened as Rose and Trevor thought.

_It seems that he can forgive if you really feel remorse. Maybe there is a cha… _

But before I could finish my thought, my hope shattered into a million pieces. With one single motion of his hand Elijah had cut of Trevor's head and while his dead body sank to the ground Rose's screams echoed from the walls of the nearly empty hall.

It was worse. He was worse and more dangerous than everything I had imagined. This man could cut of the head of a vampire with one single movement, without much effort, much strength. This time it had been Trevor. Next time it could be a pair of green … or deep blue eyes which would close forever.

No! No. no, no! I couldn't let that happen! I had to do something, just something. How could I free myself out of this damn situation? What could I do? What options did I have? What could I offer him so he would let me go, so he would let me … let the others live? I had nothing! I was just a damn human who couldn't defend herself! I had nothing to fight with …

_Wrong, Elena! You have something. You have knowledge about something he needs and he wants … _

"What about the moonstone?" I asked, my voice trembling from my irregular breathing. Please! Please let it work!

"What do you know about the moonstone?" In an instant Elijah was standing in front of me again and his expression showed me that it had worked. I had something he needed. Maybe it was insane trying to strike a deal with a vampire who cuts of heads in an instant, a vampire who was more inscrutable than the deepest night but it was my only chance.

"I know that you need it and I know where it is."

My voice was nearly a whisper now. I couldn't breathe; I just hoped that somehow I could convince him.

"Then tell me where it is."

"It doesn't work like this."

_I must be totally insane! Negotiating with a murderous vampire!_

"Are you negotiating with me?" he looked at me; then turned around to face Rose who assured that this was the first time she had heard of it.

When he turned around to me again, he looked straight into my eyes and I tried to hold his gaze. But something was … wrong with his gaze. It was too … intense … oh … no …

When his eyes turned from my eyes to my neck with the vervain necklace around it, I stopped breathing.

"What is this vervain doing around your neck?"

In a second he had gripped the pendant, ripped it off my neck and thrown it into the next corner. No …

His eyes turned back to meet mine and I knew I could do nothing against it; fighting was useless. Even though I tried to turn my head away, tried not to look him into the eyes, I had no chance. He gripped my head and forced me to meet his eyes.

"Tell me where the moonstone is", he demanded.

And as hard as I tried to hold back the words, I could do nothing about it. They left my mouth without my will. It was the weirdest, most horrible thing I had ever felt. I had never been compelled before in my entire life. Damon had tried it once in the very beginning but it hadn't worked because he hadn't known that Stefan had already given me vervain to protect me. It felt like … your mind was fighting against an unbelievable, unbeatable strong force. My mind was still mine; I experienced everything; just like a person who was watching the scene from the outside. But my body didn't belong to me. I had no control over it at all and as harder as I tried to fight, the worse it got.

A sudden shattering sound broke the connection between his eyes and mine and I felt how I got the control over my body back. A shattering sound … my head stopped beating for an instant only to start beating even faster afterwards. Something … Someone was here … No …

"Who else is here?" Elijah screamed, facing Rose again.

"I don't know!" She screamed back desperately, her face covered with wet tracks.

Elijah gripped my arm then he dragged me and Rose to the entrance of the villa. Just when he was about to open the door a shadow past by; nearly too fast for a human eye to recognize; and up the stairs. Then another one moved behind Elijah's back from one room to the other. And then I heard the voice … a voice I would recognize under a million different voices.

"Up here."

_Stefan. _

Elijah rushed up the stairs trying to find the person to the voice. In this moment another very familiar voice was shouting from a different part of the villa.

"Down here."

_Damon._

The next things that happened were nearly too fast for my eyes to catch and definitely too fast for my mind to understand.

I just heard a piercing sound, suddenly Elijah had a wooden stake in his hand and in the next moment I was pressed against a wall upstairs. A hand was gently laid on my mouth to prevent me from screaming and our faces were so close that all I could see were his eyes … his deep blue eyes which were staring into mine. And again, just like yesterday when Katherine's grip around my throat had become unbearable, I relaxed. His eyes showed me, assured me, that I would be save; that I would survive this. That he would protect me.

Elijah was screaming downstairs, totally in a rage but I didn't really hear him. It was as if we would be in our own world again. All I could hear was Damon's fast breathing and I could feel it striking my face. For a short moment we just stood there and stared into each other's eyes, totally overwhelmed.

Then he made a step back and I slightly shook my head. Is had been like compulsion … like I had felt when Elijah had taken control over my body just a few minutes ago. And at the same time it was totally different because I didn't want to fight against it. His eyes just caught mine and I was absolutely incapable to look away, not because of compulsion, just because of … all I could read in these eyes …

When Damon had stepped back I could see over his shoulder that Stefan was standing at the opposite wall with his hand against Rose's mouth. Downstairs I heard a cracking sound; just like wood being broken; and then his voice.

"I want the girl. And on the count of three … your heads will roll."

I shivered. His voice was … demanding, concerned. Concerned that he would get what he wanted, that he would get me and that Damon and Stefan would end up just like Trevor. There wasn't the slightest hint of doubt in his voice. He said it as if it would be a fact. Something that was about to happen and there was nothing to change about it.

Damon looked over his shoulder to face Stefan and I could see that he was doing the same. Then Damon dragged out something that looked like a grenade to me.

_What the hell? _

I gave Damon a slight push to make him turn around again, put on a quizzical expression and pointed towards the grenade without saying a word. He soundlessly formed the words "R-I-C" – at least I thought that's what he was trying to tell me. Of course, Ric! Who else could have such weapons?

Damon was just about to leave his place and face Elijah when I hold him back. Then I indicated him to give me the grenade – for which I gained an expression which said something like "Are you totally insane?"

_Vampires are inconvenient! _

If that would be a human who was standing there we would be able to whisper but a vampire would hear even the lowest voice! Well and if that would be a human there downstairs he would already be dead. Inconvenient!

So I tried my best to show Damon that it would be the best idea to give me the grenade, throw it towards Elijah and then they could attack him – and I guessed, he understood because his expression changed from skepticism to comprehension and even to recognition.

While Damon explained Stefan the plan with his eyes and hands, I prepared myself for my part of the plan.

_It has to work! Otherwise we will all be dead!_

Damon handed me the grenade and I was just about to leave the shelter he was forming for me, when he grabbed my arm and looked me in the eyes for another long moment again. It wasn't hard to guess what he was trying to tell me. His eyes expressed everything. They told me to be careful and they assured me that I would be safe, no matter what would happen; because he would always intervene, even if that meant he had to give his life. I swallowed, then he let go of me and I walked to the stair head.

Elijah turned around immediately, a wooden spear in his hand. A spear that could easily end a life; not only a human one.

"I'll come with you. Just … don't hurt my friends. They just wanted to help me out."

Elijah stared at me for an instant; then he rushed up the stairs. I recoiled and made two steps back.

_Stay calm, Elena. Keep up the façade. _

I breathed in and out deeply.

"What game are you playing with …?"

Not waiting for an answer I pulled out the grenade I had hidden under my crossed arms, sparked it off and threw it in Elijah's direction. The grenade burst immediately into a million pieces and I was thrown backwards against the wall from the huge amount of force that had been released. I heard Elijah's screams and when he looked up I saw the most hateful expression I had ever seen – and I saw that his face was healing nearly immediately. The vervain had nearly no effect on him! Within a few seconds his face had been recovered completely and he was walking towards me.

Suddenly a wooden stake shot out of nowhere, meant for his heart, but this time Elijah was prepared and caught the stake with his hand. I stopped breathing and shut my eyes, then I felt a rush from the left and right followed by a loud crash as Damon and Stefan lunged at Elijah and the three of them fell down the stairs.

I opened my eyes immediately again - and froze. Elijah had used the stake in his hand to smash it into Stefan's stomach and pin him to the ground and I had to see how he was getting up faster than Damon and threw him with a single hand movement across the entrance into the room to his left. Then he started for me again.

And again I shut my eyes. I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to see him, I didn't want to see the death approaching. All I heard were Stefan's screams and Elijah's heavy breathing, interrupted by snarls. I prepared myself for everything, for my head being ripped off, for my heart being ripped out or just being grabbed and kidnapped, brought to a place no one would ever find me.

But instead of a hand who grabbed my arm I could hear a second crash. My eyes flew open and I could see that Damon had gripped Elijah and thrown him down the stairs against the entrance door. Then he picked up the spear , Elijah had dropped, from the ground and smashed it with all his force through Elijah's heart.

"You will never hurt her, got that?"

It was only a whisper, a silent hiss but nevertheless I was able to hear it. Then Elijah's face turned grey and his head sank down. He was dead. I breathed out deeply and ran my shaking hands through my hair. It was really over. He was dead and I was safe – just as Damon had promised me.

Wavering I got up from the ground and slowly walked to the stair head. Damon turned around and I saw how Stefan was going to get rid of the stake in his stomach. In this moment Rose appeared at the right, looking at the dead Original in disbelief. Both Salvatore's turned their head to face her and Damon was about to go after her.

"Just let her go", I advised him.

Rose wasn't dangerous anymore. She had what she wanted – her freedom. And the price she had paid for it was high. Nothing will keep her here so why killing her? Losing her only companion for 500 years was punishment enough. She had to live alone now.

I was standing at the stair head and looked down the stairs; where HE was. I saw nothing else, just HIM. My savior. My breathing was still irregular and fast, I felt my whole body trembling and tears were building up in my eyes – tears of relief … because we had survived it and … because I understood now, because now, I knew the answer. How could I ever have doubted?

I looked into his eyes, only seeing him and he looked back into mine. For a long moment we just remained like this, then a wary, nearly shy smile appeared on his face and I answered it, relieved, a tear running down my cheek.

And then, without thinking a second, without hesitation, I rushed down the stairs, directly into his arms.

* * *

**A/N:** OMG! Thanks for the bunch of reviews! Keep them coming! No matter how short or simple they make my day and make me smile like an idiot :)


	41. Torn (Damon)

**Torn (Damon)**

There she was, at the stair head. And she was looking down … to me. Those deep brown eyes were looking down to ME. I could see that she was slightly trembling and that tears had build up in her eyes but her expression told me that she was relieved, happy. And there was something else I saw … something that surprised me. They looked … understandable, as if she had figured out an important answer; an answer that relieved her. There was no hatred because I had hurt her yesterday, because I had been so rude, because I had literally thrown her out. Just relief.

A slight smile appeared on my face, wary, nearly shy because I couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe that she didn't hate me after all I had said to her yesterday; or better after all I hadn't told her … and she smiled back, the smile that could light up a whole world. A single tear was running down her cheek; then she rushed down the stairs.

From the corner of my eye I recognized a movement and slightly turned my head – and froze. Stefan had pulled the stake Elijah had stabbed into his stomach out and was getting up now while he was looking up the stairs to Elena, smiling in relief … that nothing had happened to her.

The smile on my face died down. I was so stupid. Why did I ever think that she, Elena, would be relieved because of ME, smile back at ME. At Damon. Hadn't I understood yesterday? Hadn't I accepted the fact, the cruel reality that it would never be me? That in a case like this, even if it wasn't a life or death question, it would never be me she was running towards?

She wasn't relieved because of me. It had nothing to do with what happened yesterday. Maybe she wasn't even thinking about me at all, about what I did to her, because it wasn't important. Because she only had eyes for my brother. For Stefan. And the understanding in her eyes, the answer she had found, was that now with Katherine being imprisoned, they could be together again. Because she loved him, because she couldn't live without him and because love was stronger than every threat, every danger.

I had to swallow when I understood all of this and faced the ground instead of Elena's happy face now. I had to get out of here immediately! Otherwise … otherwise … I didn't know what I would do otherwise. Scream? Cry? Damage something?

I just wanted to turn around when I suddenly felt something, someone crash into me, a thin body was pressed against mine and arms were wrapped around my neck … and I smelled a familiar scent of vanilla and jasmine.

In the first moment I wasn't able to do anything. I just stood there, incapable to move, feeling her body against mine. Slowly I started to realize what that meant. She had indeed run towards me. Elena had rushed down the stairs into my arms.

I could feel the warmth of her body radiating to mine, setting it up in flames just like yesterday. I could feel her heart beating against my dead one, her hands around my neck; her head on my shoulder and even a tear falling from her cheek, sucking into my shirt.

_I must be dreaming … _

Slowly I wrapped my arms around her thin body, pressing her even closer to me. And she didn't disappear. She remained where she was, in my arms. This wasn't a dream, she wasn't a dream. I had been wrong. And I had never been happier about being wrong. When she had stood there on the stairs she had indeed looked into my eyes, the smile on her face had been meant for me and the relived expression on her face had been because of me.

I buried my face into her hair, sucking the scent of it in as deeply as I could, a smile on my face.

Slowly I loosened the grip around her body and she lifted her head to look me in the eyes. And what they told me, what her whole expression told me, let my dead heart beat faster. I saw the same understanding only a thousand times stronger than it had been when she had been looking down on me on the stair head. And I saw forgiveness. She wasn't angry; she didn't hate me for what I had done to her yesterday, for what I had said. She … understood. It really seemed to me as if she had found the answer to an important question …

"Thank you", she whispered. "For saving me."

Her eyes emanated an unbelievable warmth and a bright smile appeared on her face which would have enlightened even the darkest night. A smile which could enlighten the darkest dead heart.

"You're welcome", I whispered and smiled back at her.

For a long moment we just stood there, looking into each other's eyes, smiling. Then suddenly her face expression changed – she looked horrified, guilty. She had remembered someone. Stefan. She let go of me immediately, turned to Stefan and threw herself into his arms, thanking him for coming to rescue her while she was kissing him again and again.

I turned my head away immediately. Not because I couldn't watch them kissing, no, because I had never been more afraid to look into my brothers eyes.

"Get her into the car, I will search the rooms for some information those vampires might have left behind", I said, heading to the left without facing them.

While I searched through the rooms my mind was swirling from a thousand different thoughts.

In the morning I had laid in my bed for hours, just staring to the ceiling, when Stefan had burst into my room and desperately screamed that Elena had been gone and nobody had known where she had been.

The words had hit me directly into my heart.

_Gone …? _

Immediately the images of last night, when I had burst out had come to my mind. Her questions … my words … her expression … her tears …

Stefan must had recognized my horrified expression and immediately had asked if I would have known a good reason for her disappearance.

_Have I one? Did she … leave because of what had happened yesterday? Because of me? _

"And she didn't say a word?" I had asked without responding to his question.

"No! But I found her car."

My face expression had turned even more horrified and I guess I must have looked as pale as my white bed sheets.

"I found her car in a ditch off the road when I was driving to school. Off the road to our mansion. That means she must have been on her way to us when something had happened. And that's why I'm asking you if you know something more", Stefan had explained.

_She had been on the way back? Why? Why should she have returned after all that had happened? Maybe …_

"Maybe she wanted to talk to you and that's why she came back?" I had asked.

"Might be possible but why had she left then? She could have waited for me."

I had swallowed. Yeah, good question, why hadn't she waited for him. I hadn't been able to tell him, I absolutely hadn't been.

"So you assume that … someone might have kidnapped her?"

"Yeah, I think so! I mean I don't think she drives off the road into a ditch just for fun and disappears then! And I examined the car … it seemed to me that it must have been thrown into the ditch. A car never ends up like this when you just drive off the road because of an animal or whatever. And that means that the … people … who kidnapped her are very likely vampires, which makes it not really better!" At the end of the sentence Stefan's voice had already become slightly hysterical.

"Okay, first we calm down, then we need a plan … and someone who is good in locating people without the slightest hint. You call Ric and Jeremy, I call our little witch."

In less than an hour our living room had been covered with weapons of all different kinds thanks to our vampire hunter (I had stayed far away from him because I hadn't been really sure with what he would have pointed to me the next time) and witch stuff – candles, powder, grimoire and thousand other different pieces I had thought had looked like trash, but I had kept that for myself. I guess I would have ended up with a painful headache or even worse. God knew what Bonnie could do with all these … things.

"I found it!" She had screamed in this moment. "I need a map and Jeremy!"

Minutes later we had found out with the help of Jeremy's blood on the map that Elena had been somewhere near Eden and thanks to google maps we had found out that there was only one single building, an old villa, in the surrounding.

_Thank god we live in the 21st century!_

Stefan and I had immediately thrown Ric's weapons into the trunk, jumped into my Chevy Impala and started our self-suicide mission.

As if it wouldn't have been enough to have Elena kidnapped by some strangers, probably vampires, we had known less than nothing about, my brother had decided that this "You & I" – trip would be the perfect opportunity to start a talk from brother to brother. Awesome. As if it wouldn't have been enough that I had been driving an Impala (Okay a silver-blue metallic one – why the hell had I bought a silver-blue one? Why hadn't I bought a black one? Note for later: Change the color of your car) my brother had decided to carry on a serious conversation about what had happened decades ago and thought it would be the time for an analysis about my inner emotional situation. Chevy Impala, lonely road, two brothers. Yep, Dean and Sam. It had really felt like being in one of the ending scenes of a Supernatural episode! Just that in this world we were the supernatural mysteries haunting supernatural mysteries - and not two normal, correction kinda normal, guys. Bummer.

Anyway, just like Sam I hadn't liked to be asked inconvenient questions about whether I loved my brother's girlfriend or not and when I had told him that I could easily get out of this whole mission again he had told me in his best pedestrian way quote "See that's the beauty of it. You can't." If you would be able to kill a person, even a supposed to be dead person, with one single glance my brother would immediately have crumbled to dust.

I guess the highlight of our little road trip had been when he had told me that he had started to drink human blood again. Finally, I had thought, something I could tease him with because I had bet Elena hadn't liked the idea regarding her reaction the last time Stefan had told her how unavoidable it was.

But I hadn't known that Stefan had not started to drink just any blood; he had started to drink her blood. I didn't know what was worse; the fact that it was her blood or his answer to my question what happened to the old Stefan, the one who had forced human blood into me; sealing my fate for all eternity and had spilled human blood like it was worth nothing, just for fun. His answer had been that the old Stefan had found something worth living, worth changing for.

In this moment I had wanted nothing more but to scream; scream and take something apart – probably my poor Impala, with Stefan in it.

I had something … someone worth dying for. Yes. And it was my brother's girlfriend. I had to be totally stupid. I risked my life over and over again for a person who would never feel the same as I did for her. I would die for … nothing. And that was unbelievable stupid. And that was me.

Yeah, actually I should be used to it. I had made the same stupid mistake 145 years ago and somehow I didn't seem to be the person who learns from mistakes; absolutely not. I seemed to be the typical "Why not repeat it exactly like this again because it hurts so unbelievable great".

And I had changed … for her and through her. But did she really understand how hard it was? To be in a constant struggle of what was right or wrong; to feel that you disappoint her – again and again? That you were not worth her? Never would be and that she deserved someone better? That you couldn't be as perfect as your brother; without any mistakes? And how hard it was to accept the fact that you would never be the one? How should you fight if you fight for someone you will never have? How should you fight if you have nobody worth fighting or living for … just a stupid dream, a silly hope?

That's why I had been even more surprised when we both, Stefan and I, had stood at the stairs, looking up to her after having killed Elijah and she had been running down the stairs … not into my brother's arms but into my arms. She even had forgotten his whole existence for this short moment.

Yes, it must have been like a forceful stab of a wooden stake directly into his heart but in this moment I had wanted nothing but to hold her tight; in my arms; forever.

Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by something silvery in the corner of the room near the window. If the sun wouldn't have directly shone onto it, letting it gleam in the shadow of the curtains, I had missed it. I put it up from the ground and was surprised by what I saw in my hand. A necklace; a vervain necklace; Elena's vervain necklace. I put it into the pocket of my trouser, then I left the old villa and followed Stefan and Elena back to my car.

"So this vampire was an … Original?" Stefan asked later on our way back home. Elena was sitting on the back seat, leaning with her arms on our two front seats and telling us what the two other vampires, Rose and Trevor, had told her.

"And Rose and Trevor were running from him?" I added.

"Exactly. Since 500 years; because of our lovely Katherine." I reassured.

"If you trust that damn bitch you are condemned to die, Stefan and I are the best living, non-living example." I joked; then I went on serious. "But why because of Katherine? What did she do?"

"I have absolutely no idea." Elena shrugged her shoulders.

"And why the hell did they need you then for a deal with this Elijah?" Stefan asked the most important question.

"Yeah … that … I have no idea. " Elena replied haltingly.

"You are lying." I said immediately and without hesitation.

"What? How … ?" Was the only thing Stefan could say while he looked at me; surprised.

Elena had lowered her head and was staring down, afraid to meet my look in the rear view mirror I was piercing her with. It had surprised me myself but I had known immediately that she had been lying. Her halting voice, her eyes frantically fixating the ground, the slight trembling of her hands that had started when Stefan had begun to ask the question – the question she already knew the answer of.

"Is he right? You know why they wanted you?" Stefan asked inquisitively, turning around to face Elena.

"Elena, look at me! What did they tell you?" He nearly screamed his voice in an undertone of anger.

"Calm down! She had just been kidnapped by some strange vampires! We can be lucky that they wanted her alive and not as a delicious dinner!" I trounced him.

"Yeah but how can we protect her when we don't know what these vampires were up to? Who tells us that there are not more of them who want her for what reasons so ever?"

"Just let her …" I started but was interrupted.

"Stop it! Both of you! He wanted me because of my blood! Because of my human blood!" Elena screamed.

This time we both didn't say a word. I turned my head to face Stefan and met his look, reflecting my own – puzzled, terrified, forebodingly.

"Rose said Elijah needs my blood to remove the sun and the moon curse, the blood of a Petrova-doppelganger."

"But what about the moonstone?" I asked, still puzzled.

"She said the moonstone binds the curse, only a sacrifice can completely lift it." Elena explained mechanically. "And oh wonder; it is exactly my blood they need. Katherine is worthless because she is a vampire. I am not. I am human. And that is exactly what they want." Elena went on resigned, an undertone of despair in her voice.

"Hey, it is okay. Elijah is dead, he can't hurt you anymore. You are safe." Stefan tried to calm her.

"But you said it yourself! What if there are more? What if there are more of these … Originals who want the same?" Elena screamed.

"But hey they still need the moonstone, too right? They can't lift the curse without it? And they absolutely have no idea where it is!" I intervened.

I had wanted to calm her, to show her that nothing was lost and even if they wanted her, there is more they needed but I didn't get the thankful look I had expected to get. Instead she looked down to the ground again without a word. Then I understood. My hand went to the pocket of my trouser with her vervain necklace in it. He had ripped it off her neck … to get to know the information he needed; the information where the moonstone was.

"He compelled you …" It was more a statement than a question.

Stefan's look went directly to her neck where normally the vervain necklace was dangling from – now the place was empty.

"But he is dead so …" He started.

"Yeah but this Rose was listening, too. What if there are more of these vampires? What if she still wants to strike a deal? I mean she made this deal with Elijah … Elijah is dead. Whatever she and this guy had done because of Katherine they might have pissed off more than only this one vampire." I interrupted him.

"Please … can we … stop this for now? I don't want to hear anything about it anymore. I can't hear anything about it anymore! This day was just … a nightmare in a long row of nightmares …" Elena pleaded.

"Sure, hunnie, lay down and sleep a bit. We still have a long way back home and I'm sure you barely have slept." Stefan proposed.

"Yeah … all the sleep I got was from being knocked –out twice through this damn bitch." Elena answered sarcastically while laying down on the backseat. I couldn't help it but smile slightly. Sometimes we really weren't that different …

For a long time nobody said a word. From now and then I couldn't stop myself from looking into the rear view mirror and watching her sleep. Her face was peaceful now but I knew that this day hadn't made it easier for her. The break-up with Stefan; Katherine's attack; my outburst of rage; the kidnapping and then all these new questions that had risen up. We thought we had only Katherine as our problem but now it seemed to me that her return had a deeper meaning. Stefan might have been right, there had to be something more. Katherine knew a lot more than she was willing to tell us and I bet when I would tell her we had met Elijah today, the name would be not unfamiliar to her.

"Do you think Katherine knew all of this?" Stefan interrupted my thoughts.

"I was just thinking the same. I bet it. I bet she knew that there are vampires who want Elena's blood."

"I think so, too and I also think that there is a connection between this Elijah and Katherine's flight in 1864. I mean, Elena told us Trevor and Rose have been running from this Elijah for decades because of their connection to Katherine. So it is obvious that it must be the same vampires Katherine is running from."

"Sounds logical. And I bet our little bitch came back exactly because of this; first the moonstone, then Elena and finally her freedom."

"And what are we going to do about it now? Yeah, Katherine is imprisoned in the tomb with the moonstone but vervain didn't hurt this Original even the slightest bit. If there are more; how strong do you think they are? What are they capable of?"

"I have absolutely no idea. I wish I would know the answer …" I murmured and fell silent.

For the rest of the way the only hearable sound was Elena's slow regular breathing.

I was just pouring Bourbon into a glass when I heard Stefan's steps coming down the stairs of the living room.

"Where is Elena?" I asked.

"At home. She wanted to be alone. She said she needs some rest and some time to think about everything that has happened."

"Yeah, I can understand that. The last days really were an endless nightmare for her", I said, taking a sip of Bourbon. For a moment we both stood there, lost in our own thoughts, then I turned around, about to leave the room when I heard Stefan's voice behind me.

"Do you love her?"

It was merely a whisper but it seemed to me as if he would have screamed the words because they echoed over and over again in my mind.

I didn't answer immediately, I didn't even turn around. I just stood there with the back to my brother and didn't know what to say, nor what to think. How should I answer that question? Yes, of course I do? What do you think why I let myself nearly kill two times in two days? Out of fun?

I didn't want to be sarcastic though. This was serious. And it was obvious that he had started to think about Elena's and mine relationship. He had started to worry; to worry that the history might repeat itself. That it might end just like it had in 1864.

I had to suppress a bitter laughter. If he would know the truth …

_The history is repeating itself, Stefan. It is exactly like in 1864. You love her, she loves you and I'm the idiot who risks his life for the girl who loves his brother and probably ends up dead trying to keep her safe, knowing that she will never love him. _

Slowly I turned around.

"Does it matter?" I replied, a sad smile on my face.

Stefan just looked at me, surprised and speechless.

"You don't get it, do you?" I went on. "Why are you worried? Because it might end up like in 1864? Elena is not Katherine. When she loves, she really loves. She doesn't play with feelings, she is honest. She is not the mean, arrogant, selfish bitch who just wants to have fun and be entertained. She has decided where her heart belongs to from the very first moment on. There will never be another man in her life. It will … always … be … you", I went on seriously.

"But … today …" Stefan began but I interrupted him immediately.

"There is no but. It is like it is."

I absolutely didn't want to talk about it now. No, not only now; never. I would never be able to admit in front of my brother that the answer to his question was a "Yes" an "Of course, I do." Never.

For a moment we just looked at each other, then I slowly turned around.

"I'm sorry", Stefan's voice called after me. I stopped and turned around again.

"For what?"

"For … everything. For all the pain you had to endure … because of me."

I could do nothing but stare at him, astonished and speechless.

"For everyone I took away from you. Mum … even if I never had the chance to get to know her, I can imagine how wonderful she must have been … and I know how important she was for you; how much you loved her."

"Stef …" I started but he interrupted me again.

"No, please, let me say it. I never said it out loud. I guess I need to say it and you need to hear it. Just once.

I'm sorry for everything that happened in 1864 … I … if I would have known how much you loved her … how much you loved Katherine … I would never have come between the two of you … I … I would have given her up. You deserved her. You accepted her the way she was, you loved her for what she was.

I'm sorry for being the one who turned you. I know it was a mistake. I didn't have the right to force you to drink the blood, to force you to live this life … to turn your life into hell. You were right when you wanted me to kill you with this wooden branch at the quarry all these decades ago. I should have done it. And afterwards I should have stabbed myself. That would have been the only right decision. But I thought that we would have all opportunities now; an eternity of adventure and fun; that the whole world would belong to us. I was stupid and I was selfish. I think … I just didn't want to be alone. I guess I just needed my brother. Because you were probably the only person I really cared about, the person I never wanted to hurt or loose.

And I'm sorry for everything concerning Elena. I know how important she is to you. I never wanted history to repeat itself but … you can do nothing against feelings. They are just there … if you want it or not."

For a long moment nobody said a word; then Stefan nodded slightly, turned around and left the room.

I remained in the middle of it, incapable to move, the glass of Bourbon in my hand. With one sip I emptied it and put it back on the table to pour more Whiskey into it. I definitely needed it right now. I didn't know if I should just scream, throw the glass against the next wall or rip this house into pieces.

_What the fuck? _

No, it was not enough that my brother always got the girl; no, now I felt even bad about every single moment I had spend with Elena! About our conversation in the rain, about the kiss at the masquerade ball, about the dance, about nearly having kissed her again, about her running towards me, choosing my arms to run into today, about having let her forget Stefan.

Why couldn't I just … enjoy it? Why couldn't I be happy about our growing connection? Why couldn't I jump up and down now because Elena seemed to have forgiven me for what I had said yesterday, because she seemed to understand me? Because I knew it hurt my brother!

I clenched my fist stronger around the glass of Bourbon and expected it to break into pieces every second.

I couldn't go on like this. It was impossible. I wasn't the person anymore who tortures his brother for a mistake he had made more than 145 years ago – and knowing that he felt guilty made it even more difficult. I didn't want him to suffer …

I wanted Elena, with all my heart but that meant I had to take her away from my brother who loved her more than everything else on earth. I had to make him unhappy, had to ruin his life to be happy myself.

And apart from that … Elena loved him. She was happy with him. And for me nothing was more important than seeing her happy. She deserved only the best. And the best man she could get was my brother. Because he loved her, because he protected her, because he would die for her … and because he was exactly what she wanted. He didn't hurt her over and over again; he was honest with her; he didn't hide his feelings from her. And he could fulfill her expectations; because he was the good one.

Even if she would choose me … I was not what she deserved. She would never be happy with me because I would disappoint her again and again, hurt her again and again; I would make her unhappy. And she didn't deserve this. She deserved the best. And that was not me.

In this moment, I made a decision.

_I just need to say it … you just need to hear it … once …_


	42. Your heart is not meant for me (Elena)

**Your heart is not meant for me (Elena) **

* * *

_**Losing your memory - Ryan Star  
**__  
I would have died  
__I would have loved you all my life_

_Remember the day _  
_Cause this is what dreams should always be _

_I just want to stay _  
_I just want to keep this dream in me_

_Wake up, it's time; little girl, wake up _  
_Just remember who I am in the morning_

_You're losing your memory now_ ...

* * *

I closed the door behind me and let me fall onto my bed.

What a day! This week was turning out to be more and more insane. Two days ago I had fallen onto my bed, tracks of make-up on my cheeks because I had broken up with Stefan, yesterday I had fallen onto my bed, covered with dirt and black tracks of make-up because I had fought with Katherine, then with Damon and now I was lying on my bed and my mind was swirling from thoughts and at the same time it was totally empty.

No, not the week was becoming insane, I was becoming insane! I guess no one could blame me. First your aunt nearly stabs herself to death, then you have to break up with your boyfriend because a manipulative selfish bitch threatens you to kill all the people you love if you don't do what she wants you to do, then the same bitch nearly strangles you to death and nearly kills one of the persons you love the most and to crown it all you get kidnapped by two vampires who tell you that the Original vampires want you as a sacrifice to lift a damn curse.

I laughed out loud ironically; then I ran my hands through my hair.

_When does all of this stop? Will there ever be an end to all of this? A time when I just can be happy? When I don't have to fear the live of all my beloved ones?_

But that wasn't my only problem. Just like a normal girl I had some serious boyfriend issues. Ex-boyfriend issues. I still loved Stefan; more than anyone else in this world and I never wanted to hurt him but today I had done exactly that. I might have hurt him even more than by breaking up with him. He knew that a break was the best idea for now – until I knew that all my family and friends were save. Until all the trouble was over.

But what I had done today had nothing to do with being afraid of having my beloved ones hurt. I had stood there on the staircase after Stefan and Damon had risk their lives again and come to rescue me. I had looked down and I had seen them standing there; both looking up to me with a slight smile on their faces - but actually I had only seen one person; one smile. I had only looked into one pair of eyes. And these eyes hadn't been green; these eyes hadn't belonged to Stefan. These eyes had been deep blue and had belonged to his brother.

Not really knowing what I had actually been doing; acting out of a sudden impulse, I had run downstairs directly into his arms – into Damon's arms. And in this moment, I had totally forgotten Stefan. When I had looked into Damon's eyes, suddenly realizing that we weren't alone in this room, that Stefan was standing beside us, watching us all this time, I had immediately let go of Damon and run into Stefan's arms.

First, I had been afraid to face him, to look into his eyes but when I finally had, I hadn't been able to read anything in them. He had just smiled at me, taken my hand and we had left the villa and walked back to the car. We hadn't spoken a single word; he hadn't asked the slightest question about what was going on between me and his brother. And I had hated it. I would have loved it if he had screamed at me; forcing me to explain everything. It wouldn't have been easy but I would have known what he was thinking. Like this … so calm and restrained, he had frightened me. What had he been thinking? What the hell had he been thinking? I hadn't had the courage to ask him and I had been really glad when I had arrived home and he had accepted that I had wanted to be alone.

My mind, my emotions were such a chaos. I wouldn't have been able to come up with a good explanation; I would only have hurt him more with inconsiderate words. I wanted to use the right ones to explain him everything; not to hurt him even more. He should understand it; understand why I had reacted like this, why I had been so happy when I had stood there and had looked down to his brother; to Damon …

Immediately a smile appeared back on my face. No, today hadn't been only bad. Yes, I had been kidnapped and the atmosphere between Stefan and me was tense but there was something that was way more important. I had finally understood. Yes, Damon had hurt me yesterday with his words, with shutting me out after we had felt so close the last days but now I knew the reason. I should have known it immediately, I should have understood it while I had been turning around and shut the door of the Salvatore manor behind me.

As I lay there, staring to the dark ceiling, Katherine's words radiated in my mind again.

_"__No! Oh no! Damon you don't want to tell me that you fell for her! Really? You risk her life because you love her? Don't you see? She will NEVER love you! You will die for a woman who will never ever love you!"_

I swallowed. I hadn't really had the time to think about everything Katherine had said. First, I had been too angry, too sad about Damon's outburst of rage to ask myself what the real reason could be, what lies behind his behavior. And then I had been kidnapped and I had been buried in an amount of information which all ended in one fact: There were vampires, strong powerful vampires who wanted me, my blood under all circumstances.

But now lying here, I shut all of that out. I shut out the new danger, the questions that arose with it, I shut out Stefan and all our problems, the whole tension which had been build up between us in the last days since the break – up and which had reached its highest point when I had been running into Damon's arms – deciding for his brother and totally forgetting about his whole existence.

In this moment all I could think of where Katherine's words … and what they did to me; to my breathing which had become chocked, irregular, fast; to my eyes which wear burning from tears by now; to my whole body which was trembling, cringing under constant shivers … and to my heart; which was aching.

Katherine had pierced him; hurt him; caused him unbelievable pain. But it wasn't the physical pain. He was a vampire; physical pain healed, even when you were stabbed by an amount of wooden stakes. As long as they missed your heart, you would recover. The wounds would heal after some time. But the psychological pain he had to endure; to listen to every single brutal word she had told him … had pierced through his heart. And a heart – of a vampire or a human – would never recover again. If the wounds, the scars were too deep, they would never really recover again.

Katherine had reminded him that he had died for nothing; that he had tried to rescue a woman for decades who had never loved him. In 1864 he had died out of love – and now he had found out that actually he had died for nothing. He had died for a selfish arrogant bitch that had never really recognized what she had rejected; a woman who would have killed this man without any qualms. He had died for her, he had tried everything to rescue her and he had loved her for more than 145 – and she didn't want this man.

But that hadn't hurt him the most. He had heard these words before; less brutally; but he had heard them before. He had heard them in that night; the night I still didn't know everything about; the night I seemed to miss the most important fact of.

But what had hurt him the most had been the comparison. Her words which had wanted to make him believe that I would never miss him, that he meant nothing to me, that he would die – again – for nothing, that I would never … love him; just like her.

Katherine had never loved him, she had only played with his feelings, for decades; and if she was right; when he really … loved me; then she had showed him that history was repeating itself all over again. He had been rejected by the only woman he had ever loved, he had died for her … and he would be rejected by the first woman he finally had started to care about again after so many years; the first woman he trusted again; loved again. The first woman he opened his heart for, after such a long time …

I swallowed.

He would have died for me, loving me, knowing that I would never love him. It hadn't mattered to him. All that had mattered to him was that I was save … and happy. He would give me up if it would make me happy … to make his brother happy. He didn't think the slightest moment about himself, how much it hurt him … to let me go, to see me with another man, his brother; as long as I was happy …

And I had forced him to talk to me, to tell me the truth, to reveal his feelings, to put this unbelievable pain into words. Katherine had stabbed him over and over but she hadn't been the one who had hurt him the most. Without recognizing, I had held the stake myself, smashing it again and again into his heart, not knowing what I had actually been doing.

With all my actions, with all I had said and hadn't the last days I had build up a hope inside him; a hope I couldn't fulfill; a senseless hope. I had talked with him about my problems with Stefan … in the rain, yesterday on the bench … and he had listened, he had even convinced me to trust Stefan.

_Oh … my … god … and before … he had tried to fix our relationship … although … although … he loves me._

I had hurt him more than he had hurt me, without knowing. I had destroyed all his hopes, I had smashed a stake again and again into his heart with every kiss I had given Stefan and he had to watch; every touch, every smile … and he had endured it.

And yesterday; yesterday it had been too much. I had let him hope … with the kiss, with the dance, with my words … and then Katherine had come and had forced him to face the reality … and then … I had forced him …

He had reacted in the only logical way; in the only way he knew. He had built up walls; he had hid into his own world; to escape the painful truth … and me. The only way to survive and endure to be with the woman you loved but who loved someone else was to shut out every feeling. And when they had come crashing down on him, he had run away from them … because it would have been too painful to face them …

It hadn't been a lie. Nothing of it had been a lie. And I had understood it when he had been standing there downstairs and I had looked into his eyes … and they had shown me everything. There had been no ice inside them, no fire of rage, no walls that had shut me out. In this moment they had told me the pure truth … that he would come and save me; that he was there for me … forever, no matter what.

I started to breathe heavier but as hard as I tried I couldn't stop the tear which was running down my cheek now, dropping onto the bed sheet.

And there was something else I had recognized in this moment … but I hadn't understood it, I had denied it … until now.

A different scene from last night came back to my mind. I had been impulsive, emotional, laying there on the ground watching helplessly how Katherine had tortured him, ready to kill him. I would have said everything to save him in this moment and if I wanted to deny it I could pretend that the words that had left my lips had been a lie …

_"__And I will never let you kill him! Because he is one of the most important persons in the world for me. He means everything to me!"_

"Really? So you don't mind dying for him?"

"No … I … don't … mind."

I could pretend that I had only said them to rescue him, to save his life … but that would have been the biggest lie in my life. It was true, he meant unbelievable much to me and in a life and death situation … Stefan or Damon … I wouldn't know who to choose …

The one you loved with all your heart.  
The one you fell in love with from the very first moment you saw him.  
The one who was always nice to you; honest.  
The one who never hurt you …

Or …

The one who knew you better than everyone on earth.  
The one who would die for you without hesitation, for a woman who had hurt him so much, who had shown him so much hatred.  
The one who was there for you like a guardian angel – always, whenever you needed him.  
The one who said exactly the right things at exactly the right time.  
The one who knew how you felt, what you needed as if he could read your thoughts, as if he could see inside your soul, into your heart.

The one who hurt you again and again, who made one mistake after another …

… and nevertheless you couldn't hate him.  
Nevertheless you forgot everything around you when you looked into his eyes.  
Your heart started to beat faster whenever he was with you.  
Your body ignited, chills were running down your spine whenever he touched you.

You could feel the call of his heart to yours … and how it responded … like never before.

Another tear was running down my cheek. These feelings confused me. They … I didn't t know what to think, what to feel …

_Damn it! This is all … wrong! Everything is wrong! _

I began to undress myself; throwing my shirt and my trousers angrily onto the chair in the corner and got into my pajamas.

_How has that happened? How the hell has all of this happened? These … feelings … Why are they there? Why? I don't want to feel them! I want them gone! _

I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water into my face, hoping that I could wash the feelings away.

I loved Stefan, only Stefan! I had seen him and I fallen in love with him! He was nice, he was honest, he loved me with all his heart, he would never ever hurt me, he was all I had ever wanted, all I ever wanted!

Tears were constantly running down my cheeks now – tears of confusion, tears of hatred, tears of anger … about myself.

_I don't want to hurt him! I don't want to hurt them, both of them! I don't want to lose them … _

My hands clutched edge of the lavatory harder and harder, clinging to it as the only thing that could prevent me from collapsing. I had to calm down. I had to calm down. I tried to control my breathing again and wiped away the wet tracks on my cheeks. Then I turned around and went back to my bedroom.

"Cute PJ's."

I recoiled. Damon. Lost in my thoughts I hadn't paid attention to my surrounding, nor had I heard him enter my room through the open window. He was sitting on my window board a slight but sad smile on his face.

"What … what are you doing here?" I asked astonished.

I hadn't been prepared for this.

"I … I need to talk to you", he said, standing up and walking towards me. "About … today."

He was only standing inches away from me now and looked me in the eyes … and all my thoughts, all my feelings came back crashing down on me. Only looking in these deep blue eyes let my heart beat faster, my breathing become irregular and shivers run through my entire body. I said nothing, just stared into these eyes.

"Why did you do that?"

"What?" I asked surprised.

"Why did you … smile … run … towards … me? Why did you choose … me? After all I did to you." He had to swallow.

Oh, Damon … I had understood but he hadn't …

"I've been angry. I've been furious. Because I hadn't understood that in one moment we can be that close and in the next moment you push me away again. I had even wanted to come back; to force you to tell me the truth, to be honest. But then I have been kidnapped and I haven't gotten the chance to talk to you again. And I'm happy for that. I thought about it over and over again while I sat there in this villa on this couch but I couldn't find an answer. But in the moment I was standing on the stair head and looked down to you; into your eyes; I suddenly understood. It … it had just been too much … your whole word, everything had crashed down onto you after all that had happened that night … and you have reacted in the only way you know. You hid into your own world, trying to shut out everything that was painful … to shut me out.

"Ele …" He began but I interrupted him immediately.

"I don't blame you for that, Damon."

Now these deep blue eyes looked at me in astonishment.

"I understand you. And I might know you better than you think."

A slight smile appeared on my face and as usual he smiled back at me … but it wasn't a glad smile, it was the saddest smile I had ever seen before.

"I found something while I was searching through the old villa. I guess you miss this."

Slowly he reached into his pocket and pulled out something silvery. My vervain necklace ...

"I thought that was gone", I replied surprised and gladly. "Thank you."

I wanted to reach for it but in the same moment Damon withdrew his hand, the slight smile on his face turning even sadder.

"Please … give it back."

I didn't like this turn of events. I knew him too well. His eyes were like an open book for me … and they told me that I won't like what was coming next.

"I just have to say something …"

"Why do you have to say it with my necklace?"

My voice had become a slight undertone of fear; fear that he would do something stupid.

"Be … because … what I'm about to say is … probably the most selfish thing I've ever said in my life …"

"Damon don't go there."

"I … I just have to say it. You just need to hear it … once."

His face was only inches away from mine now and all I could see were deep blue eyes, telling me what I had already feared; that Katherine had been right.

"I love you, Elena … And it's because I love you that … I can't be selfish with you … It's because I love you that I can't hide into my own world, into the world where I belong … because it doesn't exist anymore … because you destroyed it. You destroyed it by showing me that I don't need it, that I'm not alone. You made my heart beat again, you let it feel something again although it is supposed to be dead. But now I am lost because I have nowhere to go, no home. I can't hide into this world and shut out the feelings … and I can't have what my heart is longing for so desperately either. I'm so sorry for what I did to you yesterday … but … it is just so … difficult for me; to … let down my shields. My heart doesn't know what it is like to trust, to be honest, to be … loved. All I ever had was my darkness, my loneliness. And then you came … with your light. Why can't you know all of this … why can't you just … understand it?"

Tears had built up in my eyes and were running down my cheeks now. His words hit me to the core.

Yes, I had understood that he loved me … but I hadn't expected that he loved me so much.

My heart started to beat even faster than it already did. My breathing was so heavy now that I feared to lose my consciousness every moment and I desperately tried to suppress the sobs that were rising inside me. My entire body was trembling.

_He loves me so much that it hurts. _

And in this moment, I realized that all I wanted in this moment was to show him that he was wrong; so wrong.

_You are not lost, Damon! Because I am here for you! You have a home, your heart has a home, here with me! You are not alone! I will never ever let you be alone! _

In this moment all my confusion was gone. I didn't think of all the problems; the danger. I didn't think of Stefan. All I thought of was that I wanted to tell him, to show him … that I loved him, too.

"Damon I …" I began but a finger was placed on my lips to silent me.

"I don't deserve you … But my brother does."

Slowly he bent down his head to kiss me softly on the forehead. When he withdrew his head, my eyes met his and for a long moment we just looked into each other's eyes.

My mind was swirling.

_I do deserve you, Damon! _

I was screaming inside.

_You are the best thing that could ever happen in my life! You are the one … you are my soulmate …_

Desperately I lifted my hands and took his face into my hands to lower it down to me. Then I gently laid my lips on his – and I thought I would collapse by the sudden electricity, the sudden shiver that was running down my spine, enfolding in my entire body. My heart was beating a thousand times faster and I thought it would explode every moment. The wild fire I had already felt when he had kissed me yesterday and when we had looked into each other's eyes after the dance rose in my body, setting every little part of it up in flames. I wanted this. Forever. Because it felt so right, like nothing else ever had before.

But suddenly Damon took my hands and pulled them back from his face.

"Let me go. I have to leave", he said with tearful voice and turned around.

"No! Damon!"

I grabbed his arm and pulled him around to face me again. I could see wet tracks shining on his face.

"I will never let you go! YOU don't understand it! You are wrong! So wrong! I do deserve you! You are the best thing that could ever happen in my life! I want to be there for you, to make you not feel alone. I want you! I lo …"

But again he put a finger on my lips and then I understood. I understood why he hadn't given me my necklace back. He gently gripped my chin and as hard as I tried, I couldn't escape his eyes which were fixating mine now.

"Don't say it. Don't move."

He paused and swallowed, his eyes still staring into mine.

I fought. I fought as hard as possible with all my human strength against the compulsion. But as senseless as it had been with Elijah as senseless it was now. I desperately tried to lift my hand to touch him; I tried to tell him those three words I desperately needed him to hear but my hand remained where it was and the words never left my lips.

"I don't deserve you … because you deserve someone who is honest with you, who doesn't hurt you, who treats you the way you deserve it … not someone who disappoints you, who makes mistakes again and again, hurting you again and again, making those beautiful eyes look sad, and causing tears to flow down these cheeks …"

He gently placed one hand on my cheek.

"You deserve someone who makes you happy."

For a long moment he just stared into my eyes. I could see how hard it was for him to pull himself together. His chest was raising and lowering heavily, his teeth were clenched and I could feel his entire body trembling.

"The last days had been the best days of my life. To kiss you, to hold you in my arms, just to look at you … into your eyes … to see you smile … let my dead heart beat again and lit up my darkness …"

The tears started to run down my cheeks again and he softly wiped them away with his hands.

"God I wish you didn't have to forget this … I wish you didn't have to forget the way you feel about me …"

He turned around to place my necklace on the bed. Then he slowly walked back to me

"… but your heart is not meant for me …"

He looked at me one last time, gently striking over my cheek.

"… and that's why you do."

The tear which was running down his cheek was the last thing I saw before I closed my eyes …

* * *

**A/N:** I know this is super kitschy and dramatic - but that's me, sorry guys ;) I guess every single one hates me for changing a lot in comparison to the episode except the one detail all we Delena Fans hated the most; but hey it needs to stay suspenseful and has to go at least a bit along with the story line of the show, right? ;) Hope to hear a lot of opinions about this chapter! I love it a lot and it was really super hard for me to write ...


	43. Your heart will always have a home (DE)

**Your heart will always have a home (Damon/Elena)**

* * *

_I'm supposed to leave now _

_My heart is on the line _

_I'm supposed to move on _

_Like I didn't mean a thing _

_It was just too perfect _

_To ever have to end _

_Will I ever love again? _

_But if I'm letting go _

_I just need you to know _

_That your heart will always have a home _

* * *

**Elena**

I opened my eyes and slightly shook my head. I felt weird and dizzy. I tried to organize my thoughts but it didn't work. A thousand thoughts were swirling in my mind and nevertheless I couldn't order them. I couldn't make them stop; couldn't look at the images that were swirling in front of my eyes. They were rushing by like a tornado.

With one hand I massaged my temples, closing my eyes again, trying to stop the chaos. It didn't work. When I opened my eyes again, my look fell onto the window. It was open. The curtains were blowing into my room, bringing an ice cold breeze with them. Hadn't I closed it when I went to the bathroom?

I shivered and rubbed my arms. But it wasn't only the wind that caused me to shiver. There was a cold and emptiness inside me that let me shiver more than every cold breath ever could; an emptiness in my heart. Why? Where did these feelings come from? My heart was aching and screaming, trying to tell me something … important; very important. But as loud as it screamed I couldn't understand the words.

Still lost in my thoughts I turned my head to the left and suddenly something silvery came into my view. I walked over to my bed and there it was. My vervain necklace. I raised it from the bedcover and turned it around in my hands. Yes, it was my necklace, the necklace I had lost today in the villa when Elijah had ripped it of my neck. Who could have taken it? There had been only Stefan and me … and Damon. We had walked to the car while he had … searched through the rooms. He must have found it; it was the only logical explanation. And had he been in my bedroom to bring it back? When? And why didn't he wait for me to return? Why didn't he say a word? He must have come through the window, placed it on the bed and left again immediately.

I rushed over to the window and looked outside, a slight hope that he might still be around; somewhere in the trees, on the street or in front of the house. But there was no sound in the trees, no steps on the streets and the house was wrapped in silence. I looked up to the sky. There was no moon, no stars visible. It was wrapped into endless darkness. It was as if it reflected my soul.

Slowly I closed the window and walked to my bed. Then I put the necklace back around my neck and laid down in my bed. I pulled my blanket up to my chin. I was still freezing and I couldn't make it stop. I stared to the ceiling, the light still on. I couldn't turn it off. I was afraid that the darkness inside me would crush me when I didn't have a single light left, something light and warm to hold onto.

How had that happened? What had happened that made me feel like this? I let my thoughts drift away; I searched through all the images of the last days trying to find the right one that would explain my sudden emptiness.

_The break-up with Stefan … the tears in his eyes … rain … loneliness … darkness … Damon taking me into his arms … suddenly the loneliness and the darkness had been gone and a warmth had been spreading out in my body … a conversation … apologizes … his leather jacket … a kiss, a dance …. Katherine … stakes … words … piercing him … directly into his heart … blood … the fight … a man on the street … a villa, a couch … Elijah … a stairhead … deep blue eyes looking into mine … relief … relief that I had understood … running down the stairs into … Damon's arms … my arms around his neck, his arms holding me tightly … a smile … my bedroom … and a weird feeling. _

Nothing; there was nothing! Damn! Damn! Damn! What did all of this mean? I was happy, I was so happy that I had understood why he had started this fight, why he had hurt me by shutting me out the night after Katherine had attacked us but why did I feel so … sad now? What happened between the moment on the stair head and the moment I opened my eyes in my bedroom?

I had walked into the bathroom, still happy about the turn of events, about having understood Damon's reaction and then I had walked back into my bedroom … and I had found the necklace on my bed.

So where did these feelings come from? And why did Damon leave without a single word? Was he still angry? Mad with me because I had forced him to tell me the truth? But his eyes; these eyes had told me how relieved he was that I had understood without a single word.

Slowly the room around me turned blurry and dark. These thoughts were … exhausting, the whole last days had been exhausting but … I didn't want … to … sleep … right now. I … had to … find … the answer …

Slowly my eyes closed and I drifted into the darkness, the darkness I was so afraid of.

* * *

**Damon **

Just as such a long time ago, when Elena had called me a monster, when she had said that she hates me, I was standing outside, leaning at the wall of the house under Elena's bedroom window. Just as in that moment this while ago, I was breathing fast and my hands were trembling. I lifted my hand to wipe away the wet tracks on my cheeks but I didn't have much time to get myself back under control. I heard Elena rush over to the window.

In a second I had turned into a crow and rushed to the roof where she would never expect nor see me. I watched her staring out into the darkness for a long moment, searching for something … an answer and for someone … for me. Then she slowly shut the window and went back into her room.

I flew back to the ground, turning back into my human shape.

Maybe I should have remained a crow. As an animal you didn't feel as much as you do as a human. You didn't feel the regret, the sorrow, the pain. But it was the last thing I could hold onto. The last thing that showed me that I was still … alive. I wanted to feel the pain, because I was afraid when I didn't allow the pain to crash down onto me, I wouldn't survive it. I would never feel anything ever again … no joy, no anger, no passion, no love.

I wanted to shut out the images, the words she had said but I couldn't. They were repeating over and over again in my mind, rushing in front of my eyes as if they wanted to torture me.

_"__Look, look close at what you just did, what you gave up, you idiot."_

I slowly walked down the empty silent road. I didn't know where to go, I just walked and walked wherever my feet would carry me. Had I been an idiot? Had it been a mistake? The biggest mistake probably … by letting her go?

I had planned it so well – as good as you can plan such a conversation. It had needed all my strength to go to her, to tell her what I had to tell. I had been able to hear that she had been in the bathroom when I had slid through the open window and sat down on her window board. My whole body had been tense and my muscles had ached from the enormous amount of control I had to bring up not to tremble.

When she had entered the room, I had to hold myself back from diving out of the window immediately again. I had tried to look as happy as possible but I could have seen in her eyes that she had recognized in an instant that I had been pretending – as always.

I had walked towards her, prepared to tell her the truth, the whole truth for once and I had wanted to know why she had chosen me on the stair head. I had been prepared for everything – but not for the following words.

I had read in her eyes in this moment on the stairvhead in the old villa that she had understood why I had reacted like this, why I had shut her out; that she had forgiven me. What I hadn't expected had been that she hadn't just understood the simple fact that I couldn't talk about it, she had completely understood me. She had looked into my soul and she had found the answer; the fact that I had hid into my own world to shut everything out. And that this was the only way I knew. And in her eyes I had read that she had wanted to show me that there was a different way.

I hadn't been able to stand it; I hadn't been able to stand one more word so I had pulled out her necklace … and the words, the most difficult words I had ever been forced to to say in my life had left my lips. Three words she desperately had needed to hear, three words I had needed to speak out – just once. The words had been barely a whisper, full of suppressed emotions, full of restraint. But I had said them. I had been looking into her deep brown eyes that had begun to fill with tears and all I had wanted had been to wipe them away, to take her into my arms, forever. But I hadn't been allowed to. I would never be allowed to.

I had kissed her on the forehead, one last time, as a goodbye. My lips had trembled when I had brushed her skin and what I had done next had been my biggest mistake. I had looked into her eyes again, I had seen the tears running down her cheeks and just as so many times before; just as while we had danced that night on the masquerade ball, just as when I had pushed her against the wall of the old villa, her face only inches away from mine, I hadn't been able to look away. I had been fascinated, compelled, by the sudden electricity that had unfolded between us. And then she had taken my face into her hands … and … she had kissed … me.

In this moment I had understood. I had understood that I had made a terrible mistake in my plan. And the mistake had been that I hadn't understood. In this kiss had lied a warmth, a devotion, a honesty, a despair and a love I would never ever have expected. And it crushed my heart.

I thought that Katherine's words had been the most painful thing I had ever experienced but I had been wrong. This revelation had hit me to the core. In this moment I had been on the edge to abandon all my promises, all my plans, all my words. I had just wanted to kiss her, to feel her, to love her. But I hadn't been able to silence the voice in my head, the voice that had screamed so loud that it had killed me.

Abruptly I had pulled her hands back from my face and had turned around. My self control had completely vanished by then; with her kiss it had shattered into a million pieces. I had been left desperately breathing; desperately trying to suppress my entire body from trembling; desperately trying to hold back the tears … a useless try. All I had wanted in that moment had been to leave immediately, to go otherwise … but she hadn't let me. She had hold me back, hold me imprisoned in this room of which the walls had started to crush down on me, burying me under its weight, making it hard for me to breath, to think clearly.

And then; then she killed me. Without knowing, she had gripped my heart and had ripped it out of my chest. Every single word had made the world around me become dizzier, blurrier …

_"__I do deserve you!" _

_"__You are the best thing that could ever happen in my life!"_

_"__I want to be there for you, to make you not feel alone" _

_"__I want you"_

Abruptly I stopped the memories, the words which were crashing down on me – and I screamed; a scream full of pain and despair, of grief and anger.

_"__I love you …" _

My mind finished the unspoken words; the words I hadn't let her speak out loud.

I couldn't go any step further. I leaned with shaky hands against the next tree, heavily breathing and trembling, tears dripping down onto the ground.

She had been about to say it. She had been about to say the three words my heart was yearning for so desperately but the words my heart wasn't allowed to hear. It was the last thing I had expected … and it was the thing that had destroyed my heart, my fragile heart, completely.

I hadn't wanted to do it, letting her forget my words; letting her forget what she felt … for me. It was the last thing I had wanted to do … but I'd had no other choice. I'd had to take the memories of this conversation and her feelings away. I'd had to make her forget that … that she had realized that she … loved me.

For her own sake.

For my sake.

For my brother's sake.

And it had been the hardest thing I had ever done and at the same time the thing I regretted the most … in my entire life. But it had had to be. It had been the right thing.

I straightened myself again, buried my hands in the pockets of my trousers and continued my way.

_Why the hell does it feel so absolutely wrong then? _

I was torn between two worlds. The old Damon would have let her say the three words, would have kissed her, hold her, taken her away from his brother, from Stefan.

But I wasn't this Damon anymore, I wasn't in my old world anymore, I was in the world she had created. The better me was walking through the streets now, alone. The better me had laid a finger on her lips to silence her, to never make her say the three words he was longing for. He had wanted to give in to the kiss completely but he had found back his control and had let go of her. The better me had made her forget.

And it had been right.

Because I knew that my brother would make her happy; as happy as I could never make her. All I could do was making her sad, disappoint her. I couldn't change the way I was, I couldn't be … perfect … and that's why it was the best to let her go.

It wouldn't be easy … but I always kept my word. I would be there for her whenever she needed me, as a friend. I would protect her, if necessary with my life. And I would forget about my feelings, giving her up.

Without paying attention to my surroundings or the way I had chosen, I suddenly recognized that I was standing in front of the Gilbert's again. I laughed out ironically.

_As what shall I take this now? Fate or … total stupidity? _

I wanted to turn around and finally go back to the Salvatore mansion but I couldn't hold myself back from checking if Elena was already asleep. I could hear her breathing but it wasn't regular. She was breathing fast and heavily and turning around in her bed. She must have had a nightmare.

I knew that it was wrong, I knew that I shouldn't do this because it was against all I had promised myself only seconds before but it was as if an invisible force was pulling me to her, as if she was a magnet I couldn't resist. Like an alcoholic incapable to resist the bottle of Whiskey … or a vampire the need for human blood.

With one elegant soundless movement I jumped onto the tree.

_Had it really been not more than two days that I had sat here and watched her fall asleep? _

She hadn't closed the window completely, just tilted. And before I could think about better turning around and leaving, I found myself on the window board, opening the window so I could slid into her room.

What a déjà-vu.

When I thought back of the time I had stood here the last and first time it seemed to me as if worlds would lay between them.

The first time I had watched her sleeping I had just come to Mystic Falls. It was the night I had killed this man, this teacher. And it had been like always. I still had Stefan's words in my mind … that I would never hurt Elena and that I hated him because I loved Katherine.

So much had changed …

I had hurt Elena, not only once, and I had understood that my love for Katherine wasn't returned, never had been; that I had been a fool by loving her for so long.

What hadn't changed was my reaction in such a situation; a situation when I got confronted with the truth, a truth I didn't want to hear nor accept.

I had proven Stefan that I wasn't human, that I could kill everyone anyplace, anytime. And just like this, I had proven Elena again and again that I wasn't human, only a monster who couldn't be trusted.

Nevertheless she had trusted me … and she had finally changed me. I had begun to understand. Even if I was still far beyond the person she dreamed of, the person who deserved her, I had become more … human again; through her.

And that was why the Damon who stood in front of her bed right now, watching her sleep was a totally different Damon than the one who had stood here when he had just come back to Mystic Falls.

I just wanted to turn around and leave when I heard a single word; a word that made me incapable to leave; a word that let me froze immediately.

_"__Damon"_

My name … She was whispering my name …

I clenched my fists to stop my hands from trembling; I clenched my teeth and shut my eyes to get my heavy breathing back under control; to suppress the mixed feelings that were crashing down on me in this moment.

She had called my name; she was dreaming of me.

How could it get any worse? I had made her forget what she had started to feel for me, I had made her forget everything I had told her tonight; the whole truth about my feelings … and now she was dreaming of me. Not of the man she should dream of. Not of Stefan. And I was standing here, watching the woman I loved so desperately like a villain.

I was not allowed to be here nor to hear these words. I wished I would never have heard them … and at the same time my stupid heart had taken a leap when she had said my name.

_This damn heart! Why can't it just … stop again to feel a thing?_

It had worked so well over the last decades and now … it killed me.

My mind told me to leave now, to forget all of this and just go on but my heart told me something totally different – and it won, as so many times before since I had met her. It was my heart who made me slowly turn around again and walk over to her bed.

She had turned to the right now, facing the window and I could see that she was trembling. Her bedcover barely covered her upper body anymore through her restless turning. I took it and gently laid it over her again; then I kneeled down in front of her.

I could look directly into her face now – and stopped breathing; then I sighted. Her face was wet from tears and with her hand she clutched to the bed sheet. I had made her forget everything; her feelings and my words, because I hadn't wanted to disappoint her, because I had never wanted to see her cry again because of me. And nevertheless she was lying here whispering my name in her sleep while tears were running down her cheeks … because of me. And I didn't even know why …

She couldn't remember what happened in her bedroom tonight. This was impossible … but why? Maybe she relived the last days, weeks, month; putting every memory together in a … nightmare. I swallowed and sighted again.

"You have to forget me … please", I whispered.

I lifted my hand to strike softly over her cheek, barely touching her skin. Just like I had done the first time I had stood here.

And what happened next let me gasp in astonishment.

The grip on her bed sheet loosened and her tense body seemed to relax completely. I could even make out a slight smile on her face by now. And like always I couldn't help it but smile myself … a sad smile. So I didn't only make her cry, I didn't only do things that hurt her. That was at least … something.

While I stroke over her cheek, different memories of the last month flashed before my eyes; scenes where we had fought; scenes where we had laughed; scenes where she had cried; scenes where we both hadn't said a word, just looked into each other's eyes, and understood each other blindly.

_I'll keep all these pieces, these memories from what we had inside, Elena. I will never forget them, not a single one, not a single moment. Not a move, not a word, not a smile, not a touch … _

_I'm supposed to leave now, knowing that I will leave my heart here with you, because it will always, only love you … I'm supposed to move on … like I didn't mean a thing, like you never understood what I really meant to you … _

"But if I'm lettin' go now I just need you to know that … Your heart will always have a home", I whispered, my voice trembling.

I lowered my head down; towards her lips. But before I could touch them, I paused. It was wrong, I couldn't do this. I was not allowed to do this … to steal a kiss from her. Instead my lips brushed her forehead, kissing it gently.

Then I slowly got up, still not able to take my eyes off of her face which looked peaceful right now. When I felt tears building up in my eyes, I immediately wanted to turn around. As much as I wanted to stay, to watch her sleep all night, I had to leave because being with her but knowing that I couldn't have her tore me into pieces, let my heart break with every beat.

I was just about to lift my hand I had laid on hers and to turn around when I felt how her fingers closed around my hand and stopped me from leaving. Astonished I turned around to face her and I could see that her eyelids began to flicker. She was about to awake. Within seconds I had wrenched my hand out of her grip and disappeared through the window.

I didn't turn around, I didn't look back; I just ran; slowly being embraced by the darkness as my dark wings lifted me up … into the cold relentless night.

* * *

**Elena**

I slowly opened my eyes, drifting from my dream back to reality. First, I could see nothing but darkness but then my eyes got used to it and my blurry vision became clear.

I shivered.

A cold breeze was coming from outside, from the window which stood … open.

_Hadn't I closed it before I went to sleep? _

I wasn't sure anymore and I barely thought about it when I got up to close it.

My mind was only swirling around one thing. The dream I'd just had and from which I had awoken. The weirdest dream I'd probably ever had in my life.

I had hoped to get some rest while sleeping, to forget everything that had happened for a short while. But instead I had been haunted by memories. I hadn't been able to clearly see the scenes which had rushed in front of my eyes. I had seen pieces of images, had heard parts of sentences, words that had swirled in my mind. Everything had been a blurry mixture of images and voices, passing by too fast to identify no matter how hard I had looked, no matter how hard I had listened.

After I had closed the window and gotten back into bed, I stared to the ceiling. But besides all these blurry scenes, there had been one picture I had seen clearly. It had been covered by pieces of memories over and over again but yet had kept returning … a pair of deep blue eyes and a single tear. And I knew exactly to whom these eyes belonged. I had looked into them already a thousand times, I had read in them so many many times, had seen sadness, anger, happiness in them … it were Damon's eyes …

And just as before I had gone to bed, there were words; important words; words that meant the world … but as I hard as I tried, I couldn't remember them. It was confusing. Because my mind couldn't remember the words but my heart; my heart did; and it tried to tell me what I needed to know so desperately. But I couldn't understand. It weren't words it told me, it were feelings. My heart was aching because it missed something; another … heartbeat. The feeling was so overwhelming that it felt as if I was torn apart.

I laid a hand on my chest, trying to stop it, but I couldn't.

All of this didn't make sense! Why did these feelings return again and again? What did they mean? And why did I see the image of Damon's eyes again and again; Damon's eyes and the tear? I can't remember a single moment I had seen his eyes like this, a moment when he had cried! These eyes … looked so endlessly sad; as if they just had lost the most important thing in the world. A sadness that overwhelmed and crushed me.

I wanted to talk with him about it, wanted to know what this meant, if he was alright … but I was afraid. This image frightened me … because I had never seen him like this before. And asking would make me dig to deep again. As much as I wanted to know what this image meant and why I saw it over and over again, I was too afraid to lose him again.

Slowly more pieces of my dream came back to me.

I had turned around a lot from what I could make out from the condition of my bed sheets – that had been when the pieces of memories had crashed down on me; and when the picture of the blue eyes and the tear had appeared over and over again in front of my eyes. It had been as if they had haunted me. As if they meant something special, something very important I had to remember. Something I had forgotten.

But then I had suddenly relaxed, had stopped turning around. The memories and the blue eyes had stopped haunting me and … I had felt save, as if I had nothing to worry about. Then the pictures had become blurry again but I remembered the feelings so clearly; as if they would have been real. I had felt a presence beside me, a heartbeat, a hand gently striking over my cheek, a kiss on my forehead.

And there had been words; a sentence; a voice whispering. First I couldn't understand it; it was distorted and barely hearable. But it slowly became clearer and clearer until I could understand it …

_"__Your heart will always have a home" _

… and my heart skipped a beat.


	44. Weird feelings and bedtime stories (E)

**Weird feelings and bedtime stories (Elena)**

I closed the front door behind me and leaned against it with my back. Without the support of the wood in my back I would probably have collapsed immediately because I was still horribly trembling.

Even though I couldn't hear Stefan's steps on the porch I knew that he was walking down the stairs and into the night, probably a worried brooding expression on his face.

With the sleeve of my shirt I wiped away the wet tracks on my cheeks. I was really not the kind of woman who cries very easily, I'd never been, but who could accuse me for that after all I went through the last days.

Would it never end? Would it go on like this forever? Every day a new terrible surprise; new horrible information and with that tears over tears? I couldn't stand it any longer. I didn't want this any longer!

I didn't expect the day to end that well actually. Therefore it had already started not very promising.

In the morning I had gotten an SMS from Stefan - we needed to talk about some important things and I had to come to the Salvatore mansion before school.

When I had arrived, the door had opened before I had been able to lift my hand. And what had happened next still didn't want to get into my mind; still left me confused, shocked and surprised. It had been Damon who had opened the door; normally nothing special. He had opened the door for me a thousand times before; always with a bride smile on his face and some teasing flirty welcome words.

This time it had been totally different. Two things had been totally different. The first thing had been his expression. He had looked … serious, nearly distanced. The small smile on his face had seemed forced and it had seemed to me as if he would have hidden something.

But what had confused me even more had been my reaction to his appearance in the front door; my reaction when I had looked into his deep blue eyes. Just like yesterday in my dream my heart had skipped a beat at the first sight of him. Just like yesterday my heart had ached and had seemed to scream to me, desperately wanting to tell me something but as hard as I had listened I still hadn't been able to understand the words.

Lost in my thoughts and desperately trying to find a logical explanation for his and my behavior I had touched the vervain necklace … and I had remembered another thing.

"Damon … have you been in my bedroom yesterday night? Where you the one who …" I hadn't been able to finish the sentence because in an instant my face expression had turned from confusion into deep shock and anger when I had recognized a person walking down the corridor to the front door.

"What the hell is SHE doing here?" I had nearly screamed.

Surprised by my change of mood Damon had turned around to face Rose who had been walking towards us.

"Elena, let me explain she …", Damon had started, but not been able to finish his sentence.

"She tried to sell me to this vampire, this Original!"

"She won't try it again, we can trust her, I promise."

"You trust her? What makes you believe that she won't grab me and disappear with me again when you turn your back on her for only an instant? I bet there are more bills she has to pay!"

"Because I don't have a reason to run anymore", Rose had answered for Damon. "Trevor is dead. He was my best friend … for centuries. And now I am completely alone. Why should I run? Where should I go? I have nowhere to go. So I decided to help you."

"Help me? How the hell can you help me?"

"I can tell you some very important information you might need to know."

"And these information are?"

"Why don't we talk about this in the living room?"

A voice had come from the end of the corridor and Stefan had appeared.

"Great idea. And a glass of Bourbon for everyone. I guess we will need", Damon had added.

* * *

He had been right. We definitely had needed it. And I regretted that I hadn't taken the glass with Bourbon Damon had offered me because I had said I had to pay attention at school. School? Attention? Already the word "school" seems so unreal to me, I had thought while I had walked down the street to school.

All my classmates were getting up every morning, got breakfast done by their mum, they went to school, talk, laugh, complain about the teachers, about homework, exchange the newest gossip about who broke up with who … and I?

I had spend my morning in a mansion with three vampires from whom one had told me that the oldest vampire in the history of time was coming after me while the other two were trying to make me believe that all these stories about this so called Klaus were just fiction.

So who blames me for having no attention at all for a thing called school? With the news Rose had told us it might be even possible that I would never even finish high school …

But I hadn't known who to believe. Stefan and Damon who had wanted to make it sound less horrible to protect me; to make me believe everything was not as bad as it had sounded and that we didn't have another huge problem we had to deal with or Rose who had tried to kidnap me to sell me to a vampire who would have done I don't know what with me?

I'd had to know more about Klaus and how to stop him, fast, before it would be too late. And there had been only one person who could have told me if all these stories had been really not more than bed time stories. But to get the information, I had needed two things. A leverage and a strong person; or better say a vampire.

The leverage hadn't been a problem at all. I had bet she must have been starving so much that she would even have licked her fingers for a drip of blood from an animal.

The vampire had been the problem. I hadn't been able to ask Stefan nor Damon to help me getting away the massive stone from the entrance to the tomb they had imprisoned my doppelganger in. If they would have known what I had been up to they would have done everything to hold me back – I would probably have ended up tied up on a chair in front of two eyes, alternating between blue and green, which would have followed my every movement. I couldn't have risked that. I had needed the information, no matter what. Still pondering how to bring my plan to action I had heard a familiar voice from the school doors coming closer.

"Have you heard that Theresa broke up with Bryan?"

That had been when I had gotten the idea. Why hadn't I thought of it before? Who needed Stefan and Damon when you had your own personal vampire aka one of your best friends?

"They said she cheated …"

Caroline had stopped in the middle of the sentence when she had seen the meaningful expression on my face with which I had approached her.

"Oh no! Elena! I know this expression too well!"

"Great, then I don't have to explain much," I had said while gripping her arm.

"No, Elena, let go off me! I don't know what you are up to but I'm pretty sure I won't like it and that I will risk to be killed by Stefan and Damon for it!"

"Yeah, well I can't guarantee that it won't be like this but I really need your help, Car. It is urgent."

"First I want to know what is so urgent!"

"I need to talk to Katherine."

"You need to … WHAT? Are you insane?"

"Car, I need some information from her, some really important information."

"And you think you will get them that easily from her?"

"With the right leverage …"

"Are you really thinking the information she gives you will be the truth? What for information are we talking about by the way? Why am I always the last one who gets to know what's going on!"

"Calm down! I promise to tell you if you help me."

"Okay so I have to decide between getting killed by two furious vampires or getting to know the oh so important information you need. Thanks no I decide to stay alive … as a dead … whatever …"

"You owe me, you know that, right? When you kept me busy all day so Katherine could spend a nice afternoon with MY boyfriend who is her EX by the way?"

"Elena! I thought you forgave me!"

"I did. But now I need your help, me, Elena, your best friend.

"You … You! You can't do that to me. You know that I can't say no, that I can't break the girl friend code!"

"Exactly and now let's go!"

* * *

"And who is this Klaus? And what is he up to? How can we stop him?" Caroline had asked later while we had walked through the forest to the tomb.

"That's exactly what I want to find out."

"And how the hell will you keep Stefan busy? I mean he follows you like a puppy sometimes, he will definitely find …"

"Caroline!"

"Sorry, I'm just observing!"

"Shut up. Well that's your part."

"My part? My part is to get that stone away from the tomb so you don't have to scream when you talk to the bitch."

"Well that is Part 1."

"Ah okay there is a Part 2?"

"Yes, there is."

"And this Part 2 contains …?"

" … that you will keep Stefan busy today."

"You know that I am the worst liar in the world – and we are talking about Stefan! When something happens to you I can just take the next stake and stab it into my heart before he does it!"

"Caroline! You are exaggerating!"

"I am NOT exaggerating!"

"Please? As my friend? Just this one time?" I had said pleading while walking down the stairs to the tomb.

"You are unbelievable! First I get blackmailed by your doppelganger and now by you. Awesome. Hey, wait!" She had screamed following me into the tomb.

* * *

I walked into the kitchen to get some water and then upstairs into my room to get into my pajama.

When I remembered my conversation with Katherine, I started to shiver again immediately.

Caroline had removed the massive stone for me and even though she'd had a bad feeling letting me alone with my doppelganger, she had left as I had asked her to.

As I had assumed, Katherine hadn't been very willing to talk to me – until I had gotten the bottle with blood out of my bag.

She had told me that my real ancestors had been from Bulgaria and that she had been banished to England because she had given birth to a baby – unmarried. I hadn't been very surprised by this fact. She must have had a child otherwise I wouldn't be here right now and that she hadn't been a woman who had abate by the rules of her time was very obvious, too.

In England she had met Klaus in 1492 and had been taken with him. She had enjoyed the attention he had given her at first – until she had found out what he really was and why he had taken her with him. The sun and the moon curse had been bound by witches with Petrova blood and the doppelganger had been created to be able to undo the curse. And that had been what Klaus had wanted - Petrova blood to break the curse; to drain every single drop of blood out of her body.

My hands began trembling while I was brushing my teeth and remembered these words of her. The same fate that was awaiting me …

While she had stayed with him she had met Trevor who immediately had fallen in love with her. When she had run away, he had helped her by leading Elijah on the wrong track and sending Katherine to Rose. But Rose had always been a clever woman and she had known that by helping Katherine they would risk their lives. So she had imprisoned Katherine when she had stood at her door to bring her back to Klaus. It had never happened. Katherine had injured herself to make Rose feed her vampire blood because a dead Katerina would have meant a dead Trevor and then … she had committed suicide by hanging herself; because as a vampire Katherine would be useless …

I walked over to my room again, went to bed and pulled the blanket up to my chin. I felt ice cold …

Katherine's only way out had been to become a vampire. Although I had known that she had teased me when she had cut her wrist and offered me her blood, I couldn't deny that I had thought about it. I had never wanted to be a vampire; I didn't want my life to end at the age of only 17. But at the same time I didn't want to be sacrificed, murdered in cold blood. But becoming a vampire wasn't an option anymore … because Katherine hadn't told me the rest of the story until then …

She had fed on the woman who had owned the house Rose had been living in to complete the transformation and had signed Rose' and Trevor's death sentence by doing so. She had left with the words "Better you die than I" and Trevor and Rose had run away from Klaus for the next 500 years. And even in the present, after I had told her that Trevor had just gotten killed, she hadn't shown the slightest hint of remorse that she had ruined their lives. Ice cold she had told me to do the same.

And while we had sat there and she had been reading in the family book, I had brought with me, the pieces of the puzzle had seemed to merge together. She hadn't killed me because she needed me; to hand me over to Klaus to strike a deal. And she had gotten Mason to find the moonstone for her. But slowly it had come to my mind that witches wouldn't only bind such a powerful meaningful curse just to the blood of a young girl and a stone. It needed more to break the curse - and that was what Katherine had been doing since she had returned; collecting the pieces that were necessary to break the curse …

A werewolf … Tyler …

A vampire … Caroline …

A new witch because hers left … Bonnie …

She wanted to hand all my friends and me over to be sacrificed by Klaus …

I hadn't been able to endure more so I had packed my things; ready to leave. In that moment Stefan had come down the stairs, trying to convince me not to listen to her whatever she had told me.

When Katherine had gone on with the best part of her story - that Klaus had killed her entire family; slaughtered them because Katherine had run away to get vengeance - I hadn't wanted to believe it, none of it. And when she had come up with the moonstone as our only chance, I had believed for a slight moment that everything had been a lie just to get out of the tomb. But she had ruined my hope in a second when she had said that she didn't want her freedom - because when Klaus would appear in Mystic Falls, she, imprisoned in the tomb no vampire could get out when he'd once entered, would be the only one who would be save from him …

On our way back home, Stefan nor I had spoken a word but a million thoughts had been swirling in my mind. Although they had been more than chaotic, it hadn't been able to prevent the brutal truth which had been slowly coming to mind. It had left me in a condition, I hadn't been wanted to be in – sad, desperate, furious, hopeless – all at the same time.

In the moment the truth had come to my mind, I just had wanted to get away from Stefan; to be alone. I had wanted to lock myself in my room and just cry, scream, curse the fate and myself.

I had nearly run up the stairs to the door and had wanted to open it as fast as possible but the key just hadn't wanted to fit into the lock. From behind I had heard Stefan's voice calling my name behind me, softly, sympathetic, calming.

_But why the hell doesn't it calm me then? _I had thought._ Why does it infuriate me even more? _

And the thought I'd had in that moment, hadn't made the situation any better, it had made me feel even guiltier, more angrier then I had already been. I had thought _Why can't Damon be here right now?_

_It's not that I have not enough to think about already!_ I screamed inside.

I had to get to know what this weird feeling was about; the one I'd felt when I had met Damon in the morning; what I could do to stay alive and at the same time save my entire family and friends and now in a situation where you definitely needed to talk to someone, I had wanted to replace Stefan by Damon, I'd wanted to replace my boyfriend by his brother.

All these thoughts had finally let me collapse.

"Stefan I don't want to talk about it okay?" I had hissed.

"But you have to. Please, sweetheart, don't shut me out."

"I shall not shut you out? What do you do then all the time? How many times have we been in a situation like this? Just that it was the other way round? And you always – always! – left without a word. So now I am doing the same."

"Elena, please."

"I wanted to know the truth and I got it, okay? It was my own decision! How could I know that I will find out that everything that has happened until now has been because of me? That it is my fault!" I screamed while I couldn't hold back the tears.

"Hunnie …" Stefan had begun and taken me into his arms.

I didn't know why I had allowed it in this moment. I hadn't been in the mood to be calmed by … him right now but I had collapsed to the ground if he wouldn't have held me.

After a short while, I had breathed deeply in and out.

"Let go of me, Stefan, please. I need to think about all of this … alone", I had said while I had freed myself out of his embrace. I had turned around without another glance, had opened the door and shut it behind me silently.

* * *

Like every night I was lying in my bed and stared to the dark ceiling.

Yes, that had been the truth that had been brought to my mind: Everything was my fault.

I'd always blamed Stefan for everything; that all the people I loved were in danger because of him; because he had come back to Mystic Falls and because we had fallen in love. But Katherine hadn't turned Caroline because of jealousy and she hadn't triggered the werewolf in Tyler because she had wanted to threaten us. She had done everything because she needed them for her plan. She had done all of that because of me; because I lived in Mystic Falls. She wanted her doppelganger and I was delivering her a perfect vampire, a werewolf and a witch - everything she needed. Without me Caroline wouldn't be a vampire and Tyler a werewolf and I wouldn't risk the life of Bonnie. All we had gone through to get the moonstone and to imprison Katherine had not been because Stefan had come back to Mystic Falls and Katherine wanted him back … it had been because she wanted me …

When I thought about Rose' and Katherine's words about Klaus I felt cold shivers running down my spine. Rose had said that Elijah was only a foot soldier, nothing compared to Klaus; Elijah who had cut of Trevor's head in cold blood with a single movement of his arm. Klaus was a million times worse; a million times more brutal. He would sacrifice all of us … and not only sacrifice; he would slaughter us; and maybe not only the four people he needed for breaking the curse. Maybe he would even kill Stefan … and Damon … Jenna … Jeremy … maybe he would just lay the whole town into ashes. I would not only lose my own life, no, I would lose everyone who meant something to me; just because I was a Petrova – Doppelganger.

In this moment I wished I would never have been born; that the bloodline would have ended with Katherine. I wished that Stefan and Damon would never have come back to Mystic Falls … and that I wouldn't have to be the reason for everyone to die.

_Why do I have to be the reason? Why does everyone has to die because of me? _

I turned to the side and a tear fell from my cheek onto the bed sheet.

Immediately I had a familiar scent in my nose; the scent of leather; the scent of Damon. I felt how I suddenly calmed down; how the tornado of thoughts in my mind god slower and slower until it stopped. I could think clearly again.

How did that happen?

It was as weird and confusing as my feelings in the morning when we had met. I could still see Damon's expression in front of me when he had opened the door and I could still feel the emptiness in my heart; the aching. And still I had no idea what it meant, where it came from and why it was there. All I knew was that it had to do with Damon …

And then on the porch with Stefan, when I had wished that Damon would be here … and not Stefan … I knew Damon would have reacted differently. He wouldn't have forced me to talk about it; he would have known exactly what he would have had to do - take me into his arms, just holding me; telling me that I could talk about it whenever I wanted to, that he was not going to force me to tell him the truth, to tell him what Katherine had said …

I recoiled. Was I really thinking this? Was it even right to think this; to want this? To want your boyfriend's brother at your side in a situation where you needed the person who knew you the best, understood you the most, cared about you … the most?

My thoughts started to get confusing again and a million questions rose in my mind … and so did guilt; in my heart; guilt for wanting Damon at my side … and not Stefan.

I had to stop this. Yes, it was weird, it was confusing and I needed answers … why I feel like this … but it was not my priority. Klaus had to be my priority. I needed to stop him; I needed to stop Klaus to be able to save them all. And there was only one way; one solution - I had to strike a deal with him: The life of everyone I loved for what he wanted, for what he needed the most … his ingredients … the ingredients that were not exchangeable like a werewolf, a vampire or a witch. I would give him the moonstone and the Petrova – Blood. I would surrender him … myself.


	45. A special friend (Damon)

**A special friend (Damon) **

I brought the glass of Bourbon I was holding in my hand to my mouth and took a deep sip. I felt how the liquid ran down my throat and the burning it left behind. I wished it would cover my feelings; the pain.

I wished I would be able to get drunk; completely drunk. Like a human. Forget the world around me; forget the people around me; forget myself. But as a vampire …

"As a vampire you don't have to feel pain. You can turn it off, right?" Jeremy had asked me once.

It was a lie. There was no switch you could turn off so you didn't feel anything anymore. All you could do was to pretend. Pretend that when you bared your fangs and buried them in a person's neck, killing him, you didn't feel guilty; guilty for not being able to resist your instincts. Pretend that you didn't love her, that these feelings were not real, just an illusion and she meant nothing to you. Pretend that you were alright, that you didn't feel lonely, lost …

I took another deep sip of Bourbon.

The day had already started not very promising.

After Rose had told Stefan that Klaus, one of the oldest vampires in the history, was coming after Elena, we had decided for a spontaneous meeting at the mansion.

I had been the one who had opened the door for her – I had decided to get over with it as soon as possible, to see her for the first time after … after last night, after what I had said, after what I had made her forget. I had promised myself to remain calm, to act as if nothing had happened, as if everything was alright. I had promised myself to act as always; to pretend.

But all my promises had disappeared when I had stood in front of her and looked into her brown eyes. The pictures from yesterday had come back to my mind and so had the words. My words; her words; her tears and mine.

I had tried to smile at her, tried to say anything, a short hello, whatever but not a single word had left my lips and my tortured smile had revealed what she already had figured out herself. That something had been wrong.

_Damn it_, I had thought, _she knows me too well …_

I had never been an open book to anyone, I had always been the inscrutable, the one who fooled others, who played games but since I had met her; since she had forced me to open up; since this bond had started to grow between us …

She had looked me in the eyes and it had been as if she would have looked directly into my soul and my heart; as if she would have searched for something; an answer … but an answer to what? I had been able to see; feel; that she had been unsure, that she had been insecure … but why? And then she had asked a question which had let my heart stop beating if it wouldn't have been already dead.

She had asked if I had been in her bedroom yesterday night …

I had stopped breathing.

_This is impossible, _I had thought._ She can't remember it. She can't remember that I visited her, that I told her that … that I love her. I made her forget … she can't remember … _

My mind had been spinning and I hadn't known what to say. I had just stared at her speechless. That had been when her expression had suddenly completely changed and she had started screaming. That had been when Rose had appeared behind me. I'd really had to hold myself back from sighting deeply and running to Rose to kiss her from relief. For that moment I had been save but nevertheless the bad feeling had remained.

What if she really did remember … everything?

Elena had made clear very fast what she had thought of all these new problems concerning Klaus: Nothing new, just another problem to the other thousand problems; more trouble, making her life less and less normal. She had left for school after a short time, brusquely stopping Stefan from accompanying her and even though she had pretended to go on as if we wouldn't have another problem, I had known that she had been and would be thinking about it all the time … about a solution.

I had decided to find out more about Klaus; to find a way to keep her safe. And who would have been better for this than a person who had lived in his time and who must have had connections otherwise she wouldn't have been able to get in contact with this … what was the name of the man I had driven such a nice stake through? A yes … Elijah … I had needed to talk to our little Rosebud.

I had thought it would be easy. I could be very convincing and normally I got what I wanted but somehow something was wrong with me and the women these days. I had decided to talk to Rose after Stefan had left the manor for school aka for following Elena like a puppy to make sure she was wrapped in cotton wool as good as possible.

When I had entered the living room, I had seen Rose sitting on the couch with a handkerchief in her hand and silently sobbing. Awesome … I had been degraded to the guy on which shoulder everyone could cry, who calmed them and said everything would be alright. I didn't mind it in Elena's cases. She was … different. Everything was different concerning her … but that didn't mean I was going to be the Stefan for everyone!

To make that clear I had helped Rose in my way. With nice words someone would have perhaps better described as ice cold. Yeah, I could understand that she was sad that she had lost Trevor. She had known him for more than 500 years and he had become probably her only company on their run from Klaus but even being vampires didn't mean that we did not die from now and then. And well … trusting and helping Katerina Petrova always leads to your death … who should know that better than I did? Well that had been more or less the words I had used. Plus an extra advice that she should make use from her vampire powers by just turning off her emotions with this nice little switch.

I had thought I had been the one who lead the conversion but her answer had completely put me off my stride. She had told me to use my own advice for myself … for turning of my feelings for Elena. I had gotten my composure back pretty fast. I had pretended that I was not in love with anyone and changed the subject to the topic I had actually come to talk with her about. Nevertheless I hadn't been able to forget her words …

Even now sitting here in the living room with my glass of Bourbon while I stared into the fire, the sun slowly setting outside, I was thinking about these words of her. Why had she recognized it so easily? How did she know that I was in love with Elena? After … less than a day? Was it that obvious? No, it couldn't be, it couldn't be that obvious. That was impossible. The only person who knew me so well was … Elena … But how did she know then? I still couldn't find the answer …

After I had changed the topic it hadn't been that hard to get the information I had needed, somehow it had even seemed to me as if she had been willing to help me.

I was absolutely not able to figure her out! Weird woman …

She had told me, she had gotten in contact with Elijah through a man called Slater in Richmond and although she hadn't looked that enthusiastic to help me anymore, I hadn't given her any chance to say no. So that meant I hadn't lost all my powers concerning women. Although it seemed as if I would be an open book to them, they still couldn't resist me … at least most of them.

The trip to the coffee shop had been everything but the way I had planned it to be. After a short argue with Rose about trusting each other during which she had shown me clearly that she was a tiny little bit older than me, I had been introduced to Slater. But actually Rose hadn't needed to introduce me at all.

That guy had seemed to know everything about me – my name, my death, Katherine - and he had been able to tell from my face expression that I hadn't liked it at all. It wasn't good when another vampire knew so much about you. It made him dangerous and it made him an easy victim for other vampires who wanted to get information.

And apart all this, I didn't trust this Slater, not even a bit. Someone who spend his eternity studying at university again and again to collect degrees, masters and PhD's? How should that be something you can be proud of? Sounds really depressing! As if he didn't know what else to do with his eternity! Poor guy …

Getting information from Slater had turned out to be the easiest thing in the world. The guy had loved to talk – about everything and nothing. Within minutes I had found out that we were screwed. With killing Elijah we had killed Slater's only connection to Klaus. Damn it!

The positive thing was that Slater had said that it was possible to stop Klaus from lifting the curse through rendering the moonstone useless.

The negative thing was that before I had been able to ask him how to render the moonstone useless I had been surrounded by the screaming's of vampires burning in the pure sunlight.

I had gotten up from the ground and looked out for the one who had let the windows who had protected the vampires from the UV-radiation shatter into a million pieces and caused a panic in the coffee shop. But I couldn't have made out the one who had been responsible for it. It could have been anyone walking by outside and I hadn't had much time. I had picked up the screaming Rose and brought her back to the car and out of the fatal sunlight.

I hadn't even let her down on the seat of the car when she had started apologizing.

"I had nothing to do with it, I promise you, Damon. I didn't know that this was going to happen, you have to believe me!"

"Rose …"

"I'm so sorry …"

"Rose!" I'd nearly screamed now. "I know that you had no idea! And I guess I can say the same about Slater. I have never really been exposed to bare sunlight but I know that a vampire would never ever do that willingly. If you or Slater would have known about this attack then you would have made sure that you were safe before the windows shattered, right?"

She had only nodded and wiped away the wet tracks on her cheeks.

"But who did it then? Do you have any idea?"

"Any idea? I know for sure who did this, Damon!" She had replied immediately and new tears had build in her eyes.

I had only been able to look at her puzzled.

"Klaus of course! He wants me, Damon! He wants to see me dead because I made a terrible mistake more than 500 years ago! He doesn't stop until he gets what he wants! Don't you understand that? Do you see now what he is capable of? That you have a reason to be frightened? That you should be frightened?"

"Yeah I guess I got an idea …", I had replied grimly.

* * *

The whole way back home Rose hadn't spoken a word and I hadn't known what to say, where to start, but I would have loved to talk. Talk, talk and talk so I could have suppressed all the thoughts that had been swirling in my mind, so I hadn't had to think of what we had to face very soon …

_I have to talk to Elena_, I had thought. _Immediately._

I hadn't had the attention to frighten her but from what I had experienced today, this Klaus wouldn't stop until he would have her - no matter what he had to do, who he had to hurt; to kill. And then … then … I had swallowed … then he would not only take a bit of her blood, just enough to break the curse, no, he was a monster without any kindness, any sympathy. He would take all her blood, he would kill her, he would … slaughter her in cold blood, cruel, merciless.

My hands had closed tighter around the steering wheel. And that was something I couldn't let happen; I would never let happen … as long as I lived.

When I had picked up Rose I had seen Slater nowhere. He must have had left and be miles away by now. With him gone and no clue where I could find him my only chance was gone to get to know a way to save Elena. But I wouldn't give up … never. We had to make a plan, a good one, a clever one. It might be useless, it might be possible that this Klaus had a plan B, C, D; that he would find a way to get her but as long as I was alive, I would protect her. I would find a way to save her; another way; I would not lose her; under no circumstances!

And there had been another reason I'd had to see Elena. I couldn't have avoided the conversation about what had happened last night and how much she remembered forever. I hadn't known what I wanted more; what was better - that she remembered everything or that she didn't. I'd had absolutely no idea. Yesterday I had been so sure that it was the right thing to compel her, the only way but today, after I had seen her …

I had clenched my teeth to suppress a scream.

This whole situation was so muddled, so chaotic, so irrational! And it made me go insane! And that's why I had needed to know the truth; even though I had not the slightest idea what I would do when she would indeed remembered everything. Listen to my heart?

Oh god! I had to get away from here, from Mystic Falls, to a town where nobody knew me and where I could rip out as many throats as I wanted to! Just to become ME again.

A sarcastic laughter had left my mouth. Rose, staring out of the window into the nothingness, hadn't even recognized.

That was exactly the problem! Even if I would be a million miles away from Elena, I simply couldn't do that! Even without her around me, I would know what she would think! I would know that she would disapprove it! When my teeth would sink into the throat of a young girl, I would see her eyes as clearly as if she would really stand in front of me … her disappointed, sad eyes … and I would never be able to kill the girl. I wouldn't even be able to drink a single drip of her blood …

We had reached the Salvatore mansion by then and after I had brought Rose to my bedroom with the last few blood bags I'd had left in her hands, I had made me on my way to the Gilberts.

I had rushed through the darkness, which had slowly spread out around me, as fast as I had been able to. I had wanted to get to her as long as I had still been convinced that it was the right thing to ask her about yesterday night; as long as I was still brave enough.

When I had reached her street, I had slowed down from vampire speed to human speed and even my human steps had gotten slower and slower.

How should I start?

"Hey Elena, Klaus is a murderous killer against who we will have not the slightest chance and oh by the way do you remember that yesterday night I told you that I love you and you said you love me, too after you kissed me?"

_Oh yes, that will definitely work, _I had thought._ So how the hell do I start such a topic? What do I say? How do I say it? _

My thoughts had suddenly been interrupted by a voice I would recognize everywhere and under every circumstance. Elena. But the words had been too indistinct to understand them properly - because they had been interrupted again and again by uncontrollable sobbing.

My heart had broken at that sound. I had heard it way too often these days.

I had already been about to rush to the porch; to her; when I had stopped my movement abruptly. I had heard a second voice; a second familiar voice who had tried to calm Elena. Stefan.

When I had finally reached the old tree in front of Elena's bedroom window I had been able to see them standing on the porch. I had been able to see how tears had been running down Elena's cheeks and how her chest had lifted heavily under the steady sobs. I had been able to see how Stefan had opened his arms and had drawn her to him. I had been able to see how he had closed his arms around her tiny body. I had been able to see how she had laid her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around him. Just the way I had taken her in my arms that night when she'd had the car accident. But in this moment it hadn't been me. In this moment she'd had Stefan … back.

Yes, yes, damn yes, I had promised to let her go. Last night when I had stood in front of her bed and had watched her sleep, I had promised to forget her … but it wasn't that easy. It wasn't simply switching of your emotions. I wanted her to be happy, to be with the man who made her happy … but damn!

My fist had hit the tree just as hard that the bark had crumbled under my fingers. Now Stefan was there for her again. And she didn't need me anymore. Now she could talk with Stefan about everything. He could take her into his arms, calm her, dry her tears, watch her fall asleep …

It was egoistic, selfish of me to want her to need me but … she didn't only need me … I needed her, too. As often as I tried to deny it, it didn't change the truth … but now … now there was no reason for her to come to me anymore because she had taken Stefan back; she could be happy with him again now …

Happy … beside all my mixed feelings, the anger, the jealousy, the sadness, the disappointment; something else had come to my mind.

Why was she crying again? Because she had finally decided that she and Stefan belonged together nevertheless all the danger it might cause? Tears of happiness? No … it didn't look like that. She looked sad. Something must have happened …

_Stop it, Damon, _I had interrupted myself;_ this is not your business anymore. It is Stefan's job to be there for her … she has him for that again now …_

Immediately I had turned around and left the Gilbert house and Stefan and Elena behind me. I had left her behind me …

* * *

I took another deep sip of my glass of Bourbon. And that was where I was now; in my living room with my best companion, my only companion. And as much as I would drink, glass over glass, it wouldn't get better. It didn't work. I couldn't forget her. Because there was no switch; especially not for turning off the strongest feeling that existed; a feeling, an emotion, even stronger than a vampire's basic instinct, his strongest need – the thirst for blood. There was no switch to turn off my feelings for her. I loved her; no matter what I did, where I was, what I tried to make myself believe or how much it hurt …

I knew it; I knew it since I had become a vampire so many decades ago. The reason to drink the blood Stefan had offered me that night had been to switch off the emotions, the feelings, the pain of having lost Katherine. Already then; when I had drunk the human blood, when I had fully become a vampire, I had known that everything had been a lie. You couldn't get rid of your feelings, your emotions. You had to live with them. They were a part of you, if you were a human or a vampire.

But I had wanted it to work. I had wanted to get rid of these emotions, so I had decided that this switch existed. And after a while I had started believing in it. I had started believing that it existed, that I didn't feel guilty for killing all these innocent people, guilty for what I was, what I did. It had worked, it had been a perfect excuse … until the day I had met her, until the day I had met Elena. When I had met her, all the memories had come crashing back down on me. That had been the moment when the shield I had build up, the wall around my heart, the switch, had gotten first cracks. And yesterday I had put the shields down completely, for a while, when I had been in Elena's bedroom.

And now? I couldn't go back to the state of total denial. I was not even sure if I wanted to. Everything I had left now was pretending, burying everything as deep as possible, at a place only I knew. And nevertheless I knew it would never be the same, never be as before.

My thoughts were immediately interrupted when I heard steps behind me. I turned around and caught myself hoping that it would be Elena. But it wasn't her. It was Rose. She was standing in the entrance, unsure if she should go further and approach me.

"Come in. How are you feeling?"

"Better … a lot better. Thank you … for saving me."

"You're welcome."

"Why did you do it?"

"What?"

"Save me …"

"What? Would you have preferred to burn in the sunlight?" I replied smirking.

"No! But … you would have had any reason to let me die … I mean I wanted to sell your Elena to a murderous vampire …"

"First of all she is not my Elena and I don't know. I wasn't in the mood to let you die."

"Thank you", she laughed.

"For not letting you die?"

"For reminding me of Trevor so much."

"Trevor? I remind you of Trevor?"

"Oh yes, you do. You two are very similar, you know."

"Trevor always pretended to be the tough, ruthless vampire who did what he needed to do and yes he was like this. He fulfilled his duty and he killed a lot of people but when you knew him closer, when you saw behind all of this you had the best friend you can wish for. Someone who would risk his life for you if necessary and who is by your side whenever you need him. You are very much like this, Damon."

"Yeah, you think so? Why? You know me for a little more than a day." I replied grimly.

"I don't know why but I'm very good in evaluating the character of a person, no matter if human or vampire. And sometimes I just have to look in the eyes of someone and I know his personality ... it was like this when I met Trevor 500 years ago and it was exactly the same when I met you yesterday."

"Very poetic," I replied sarcastically.

I still wasn't sure if I should like that. Everything she said was probably right. Yes, even if I wanted to be the bad guy with no regret, no guilty, no feelings that wasn't me anymore. And when it came to Elena … Rose hit the nail on the head with every word she had said. And she made out after a day what some people would never figure out; as good as they might know me. She had seen directly through me …

She had approached me by now and I got her a glass and poured some Bourbon into it.

"I'm sorry that we couldn't get the information out of Slater before the shop was attacked. I know that it is the most important thing for you … to save her … to save Elena."

"And I will. I will find another way, even without Slater's help", I replied in a tone that didn't tolerate any doubt.

For a while none of us said a word and we just took sips of our Bourbon.

"You're right to fight it … the way you feel about her", Rose said after a while walking through the living room.

"And why is that?"

"Because if we want to survive; we need to not care about anyone. You see what happened to me … I met Trevor and we became friends and when he made the mistake to trust and help Katerina I remained loyal to him. We both escaped from Klaus and ran for the next 500 years. It could have been so easy for me … I could have taken him and hand him over to Klaus and I would have been free and without any debt. But he was my friend and so I didn't betray him but helped him run away, living in the constant danger of being caught by Klaus and slaughtered to death."

"So caring gets you dead, huh?"

"It might just be the time to turn the switch off on your emotions", she replied putting her glass down on the table.

I turned around to face her in surprise.

_She is so much older than I am, doesn't she know …? _

That was when I understood. Of course she knew that there was no switch you could turn off, that all you could do is pretending. But when you were screwed in any way then why not have some fun at least? Why not forget the world around you for some time? All the shit? The problems? The pain?

The glorious couple was back together as it seemed to me, they could be happy together again, be there for each other, all the kitschy romantic nonsense! But who condemned me to stay alone? To sit here with my glass of Bourbon and mourn over my tragic fate that I would never be the one? That she would never be mine? Who condemned me to be the one who offered the shoulder to cry on when she needed it and to be dropped when she didn't need me anymore, when her hero was back to play the guardian? I didn't want this anymore! I didn't want to watch them being happy with each other anymore while I stood there alone. I had a right to be happy, too; to have some fun!

In an instant I had gotten up and stood in front of Rose, so close that my mouth nearly touched hers. Here we stood. I was in love with a woman I could never have and she had lost the only person she cared about the last 500 years. It was funny, nearly ridiculous but we were the perfect couple. I didn't have any feelings for her. When I looked into her eyes it was not even close to the feeling I had when I looked into Elena's eyes. When I touched her there was no electricity, no shivers that were running through my body. When I was with her the world went on as before, it didn't stand still, I didn't forget everything around me. I didn't love her and I never would but … we could help each other. She could be my switch and I could be hers … she could be my special friend …

"You know that there is no switch you can turn off", I whispered in to her ear.

"Of course I do. But just as Trevor I know how good you are in pretending there is one …", she replied.

Then I took her face into my hands and laid my mouth on hers. With our kiss becoming more and more passionate, I thought less and less of Elena, until there was only Rose and me …


	46. Angry blue eyes with fear deep inside(E)

**Angry blue eyes with fear deep inside (Elena)**

Gosh! I could kill him! Right now, while he clasped the steering wheel so hard that actually it should already have broken into pieces and stared onto the dark road which didn't want to end. His expression was fathomless but I knew that inside he was nearly exploding. I could see it on the way his hands held the steering wheel, his tense jaw, his eyes where nothing was left from the deep blue, only darkness, black darkness …

I had my arms crossed in front of my chest and had turned the head away from him to stare into the darkness which was rushing by in front of the window. We were probably driving more than 200 mph on this godforsaken road and normally I would have yelled at him to be careful because one of us in this car was very well to die in a car accident but at the moment I was just too angry, too furious, too scared to even say a single word.

In the morning I had woken up after a night of steadily waking up from nightmares.

One time I had been haunted by Klaus. I had been able to see his eyes gleaming red and the winning cruel smile on his face. I had tried to run, faster and faster but it hadn't mattered. He had come closer and closer even if he had only walked in vampire speed. Suddenly I had been wearing an old antique floor-length dress and my hair had been falling in curls loose over my shoulders. I had still been running and running; uselessly. I had felt his hand grabbing my shoulder, he had turned me around, he had smiled at me- cruel, without any sympathy, the smile of a predator, a monster. His hand had stroked my hair away and revealed my bare throat. He had bent his head down. I had been able to hear how he had bared his fangs and then I had felt the most horrible pain I had ever felt before while I could hear how he had drawn the blood out of my body …

Another time I had been standing in front of a window of an old hall in the middle of nowhere. I had looked inside and I had seen the back of a man bending over something or someone. Beside him I had been able to make out bodies, dead bodies, victims. I had seen blonde hair, brown curls, white pale skin, bite tracks on every neck.

Then he had been lifting his hand over his head and I had been able to see that he had been holding a stake in his hand. I had screamed and he had turned around to face me - with gleaming red eyes and a murderous evil smile on his lips.

While he had turned his back to me, he had revealed who had been laying in front of him. I had screamed and prayed, I had tried to break the window but it had been impossible. He had given me a last glance; then the stake had smashed down with unbelievable speed … directly into the heart of the person on the ground; in the heart of the vampire.

While the stake had pierced his body, I had suddenly felt an unbearable pain in my chest. I had pressed my hand on it to make it stop but it had gotten worse and worse. My hands had become wet, wet and red; from blood; my blood or had it been his blood?

Still pressing my hands on my heart, I had looked through the window again. The man had gotten up, the stake turning in his hand, his bloody hand. There had been blood everywhere on him. He had been wearing a white suite and slowly I had been able to see how the white had turned to red; how the blood had started to completely soak the suite. His mouth had been covered in red, too; blood had been dripping from his fangs and slowly, very slowly he had been walking towards me.

Darkness, endless darkness had started to enfold around me; my hands had let go of my chest. It had been useless. My heart had been dead. The last thing I had seen, had been the vampire on the ground; the vampire my heart had been connected to so that the man, that Klaus, hadn't only smashed the stake through his heart but through mine as well. And it hadn't mattered to me because I hadn't wanted to go on living without him.

The darkness had completely enfolded around me by now, fathomless darkness. And the last thing I had seen had been how the vampire had closed his eyes; how he had closed his deep blue eyes … forever …

When I had woken up my heart had been pounding fast and I had been able to hear the blood rushing in my ears. I had gotten up from the bed and had to hold onto my cupboard otherwise I would have fallen to the ground. Everything had started to turn around like a carousel and the dangerous demanding darkness had started to enfold around me again.

When I had reached the bathroom and looked into the mirror I had nearly screamed from shock. My face had been pale white, nearly translucent, my hair had been sticking to my head and my eyes had been blood red; just like the eyes of the vampire in my dream, just like Klaus' eyes …

Immediately I had turned up the faucet and splashed ice cold water into my face to prevent myself from throwing up. Then I had gone for a shower. I hadn't known how long I had stood there, letting the water run down my body.

This dreams had shown my deepest fear; the fear to die, to be killed by Klaus on the one hand and to see how he would slaughter all my beloved ones on the other hand.

The stake had come to my mind, the deep blue eyes and the connection of our hearts. My heart had started to race again. The eyes had been blue … not green … it hadn't been Stefan's eyes. It had been Damon's.

I had swallowed, unsure what this dream meant; unsure if I really wanted to know. What was wrong with me at the moment? Yes, yes, yes, I cared about Damon but that didn't mean he meant more to me than Stefan; that his death would mean more to me, that I … love … Damon …

Suddenly I had felt a stitch in the region of my heart. And all that had remained had been … emptiness; the emptiness I had gotten so used to since … that night. This was weird, this was crazy and absolutely unrealistic! Stefan and my heart were connected, we were meant for each other. If he died, I would die with him. I would die because he died …

Stop it, stop it; stop it, Elena! This was leading to nothing but a terrible headache, more confusion and more problems. I had to forget it. These dream meant nothing! Nothing! Just some spooky unrealistic nonsense! I had just spent too much time with Damon the last days. I was just too happy, too relieved that I had understood his reaction and that everything was back to … normal. Normal, yeah, a life full of problems and threats had become already normal …

No, no, no! I had to come back to the main point; the main thought; that, what was most important … that I could endure the first dream but not the second one. I would die that was for sure. If Klaus didn't slaughter me, I would die while he would end the lives of my beloved ones. Just as in my dream, my heart would die with them, all of them.

I had shaken my head to suppress the thought. Stay fixated on your goal, your decision Elena. Even after having had those dreams, I was still sure, maybe even more convinced that there was only one way, one solution.

I had gotten out of the shower, wrapped myself in a towel and looked into the mirror again. My face had still been pale white, my eyes blood red but there had been no fear at all left in them, just concern.

* * *

I had been even more convinced that I would do the right thing with my plan after I had come out of the shower and shortly afterwards had heard the door bell ring. My two favorite vampires had been standing outside to tell me that they had figured out a plan – with the help of Bonnie and of course without my agreement. They wanted to lift the spell of the moonstone by destroying it but therefore they had to get the stone from Katherine and I had been pretty sure she wouldn't just hand it over in a sudden moment of sympathy. But – of course – they had already made a plan for that, too: Get into the tomb with the help of a spell that would release the seal long enough for the two to get in, grab the moonstone and get out again.

I hadn't known what got more on my nerves. That they had planned everything without me – again; that they would risk their lives for me – again; Damon's humor or Stefan's very convinced face expression. I guessed all of it together had led me to my more than convinced answer: That I didn't want them to do it. I had earned some very puzzled face expressions and suddenly my very talkative vampires had become very speechless. And that had been my last words because I had used the silence to turn around and leave to make my point clear. No discussion.

After they had left, I had immediately jumped into my car and driven to the Salvatore mansion. I had called Stefan on the way, pretending that I had wanted to apologize so I had known that he had been haunting and Damon … I just had hoped to have luck …

I had gotten out of the car and walked as silently as possible to the door. Then I had touched it, praying that it would open just as always and that they hadn't finally decided to better lock the door. But I had been lucky.

I had hushed inside; sneaking down the corridor …

_Where is she? _

I had asked Stefan as innocuous as possible if Rose would still be still at the mansion. I had joked that we might have to protect her from Damon's charm and although I my laughter had been so faked, he hadn't recognized it and given me the answer I had needed. I had looked around, trying to make out a sound which would have proven that someone had been there and the house had been not empty, when I had heard a voice coming from upstairs.

"It is really not nice to leave a girl naked in your bedroom in the morning", a familiar voice had said while she had closed her robe and walked down the stairs.

I hadn't known what to say nor what to think. I had just stood there in the hall, speechless and had looked up to a surprised and slightly embarrassed Rose who had searched for … something male. For Damon.

She had searched for … Damon. She had spent the night with him … in his bedroom … naked … And there it had been again; the stitch; as if someone would pierce me with very fine needles.

It had seriously become ridiculous. I was happy with Stefan. I … was happy with Stefan. So why should Damon not have some fun, too? He deserved it … some … fun … or … more … Gosh! Stop it, Elena! He could do what he wanted! He could fuck who he wanted! Why should I care?

So please you damn stupid heart stop infiltrating me nightmares that should make me believe I would die if Damon … Damon! … would die and that our hearts had some … special connection; more special than Stefan's and mine. And please stop making me believe that I had seriously been … jealous.

Lost in my thoughts I hadn't recognized that Rose, in her tiny small robe which had revealed her perfectly long legs, had been standing in front of me now and had looked a bit worried because I hadn't reacted to nothing and my face expression shouldn't have been the friendliest, too.

"Elena? Is something wrong?"

I had shaken my head to make the thoughts disappear but nevertheless had my angry face expression remained.

"Is Damon here?" I had asked without answering to her question.

"No, but you can wai …"

"Perfect", I had interrupted her. "I came to talk to you … without some male vampires eavesdropping every single word we exchange."

"Ah … I don't think that I will like this."

"Well, I think you will. And even if you won't like the idea … I have a good … lure. C'mon, we don't have much time", I had explained and gone to the living room.

* * *

It hadn't been very difficult to convince Rose to help me. You just had to have the right leverage and press the right buttons. And even though she had tried to convince me that it would be a bad idea, especially without Stefan and Damon knowing of my little plan, she hadn't been able to resist my deal. Going on being "a slave to the shadows" as she had expressed it or agreeing to my deal to bring me to Slater and therefore get a ring that would make her able to walk in the sunlight – finally after 500 years. Very easy decision.

So after less than half an hour we had been sitting in the car on the way to Richmond to talk to Slater to get more information about the moonstone and how to lift the curse – that's what I had told her. If I would have informed her about my real plan I guessed even then my proposal wouldn't have been good enough. I could understand her. What did you need a daylight ring for when you might get killed by a murderous vampire a stupid human wants to contact to sacrifice herself to?

Sadly the whole trip hadn't turned out as planned. And that was an understatement. When we had reached Slater's apartment he hadn't opened the door. When we finally had gotten in with the help of Rose vampire strength, we had found him dead – staked on the floor. My hope to get to Klaus had diminished more and more and when I had tried to get some information from his computers which had been of course password protected I had wanted to agree to Rose advice to leave. That had been when we had heard a sound coming from his bedroom and that had been when we had met Alice – Slater's girlfriend and wanna – be vampire. My hope had started to grow again. With some clever tricks from my side - I had promised her that Rose would turn her – I had managed to convince her to get access for us on Slater's computers. There, we had found a Cody Webber who had exchanged thousand of e-mails with Slater about Elijah … and I had finally been able to send my message: That the doppelganger was alive and that she was ready to surrender.

Even though Rose had been shocked to get to know my real plan, nothing had been able to stop me from bring my plan into action and save my family and my friends and after a while she had said she would understand me – I had thought. What I hadn't preconceived had been that she was as good in lying as I had been today. So when I had taken a sip of my glass of water, nervously waiting for this Cody Webber to arrive, and turned around, I had suddenly been staring into deep blue eyes … very angry deep blue eyes.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Damon had asked furiously.

"I could ask you the same question! How the hell did you find out …" That was when I had understood that Rose had lied to me and in a moment I hadn't paid attention she had called Damon.

"C'mon. We are leaving", he had said, already about to turn around.

"No."

"I said we are leaving", he had replied, his voice becoming more insistent.

"I'm not coming with you."

"You don't get to make decisions anymore."

"Making decisions? I? When the hell did I make any decisions? You and Stefan did that for me – all the time! I have enough of it. Now I make the decisions. I make my own decisions. And this here is my decision and you won't stop me from brining my plan into action!"

"You make the decisions now? And who is going to save you then while you are making decisions – stupid, non – sophisticated, dangerous decisions?"

"Didn't you listen to me, Damon? I don't want to be saved!" I had replied fiercely and left him speechless.

"Not if that means that Klaus will kill every single person that I love", I had gone on.

"You don't get it, don't you?"

"What?"

"What do you want us to do then? Stand around and watch how Klaus takes you away from us – to kill you?"

"At least then you wouldn't risk your life to save me."

"You understand what that means if you surrender yourself to him, right?"

"Of course I do."

"Really? So you know that this is not a vampire as we are? He will not just take you with him and get some drips of your blood and then let you go! He will not even get your blood and kill you very fast afterwards! He will get you, drain every single drip of blood out of your body – cruel, merciless. He will kill you in cold blood with a laughter on his face! And you want us to watch that and just stand there? Just stand there and do nothing?" At the end of the sentence Damon's voice had become a scream.

"Yes, that is exactly what I want."

"You can't demand that from us!"

"Oh but you can demand from me to watch all of you risk your life for me to get this damn moonstone? And if you have it who guarantees me that you will be able to lift the curse from it? Who guarantees me that Klaus will lose his interest then? Who will guarantee me that he is not totally pissed off and will murder all of you while I have to watch? You?" I had screamed.

Damon hadn't known what to reply. He had just stood there, his nostrils flaring and his jaw tense from suppressed anger.

"You see? All I want is to keep all of you save, don't you understand?"

"How can you ask from us to let him take you? How can you ask from us to watch you die? Don't you know how much it would hurt … Stefan? Jeremy? Jenna? Bonnie? Caroline? … Me?"

"And don't you know how much it would hurt me to watch all of you die?

"

"That's not a given! Who says all of us will die?"

"Even if just one person will die for mevit would be too much. I don't want anybody to die because of me. But all of you are so willing to do so! Some of them don't even know that they will die just because of me if I will just do nothing and wait!"

"What? What does that mean now?"

I knew that I had gone too far. I had been too angry to control myself, I hadn't known what I had been saying, I hadn't thought about it. I wanted nobody to know what Katherine had told me in the tomb… that Caroline, Tyler and Bonnie were condemned to die with me; that they were ingredients just like me. Not if I could prevent it.

"Nothing! It means nothing!"

"Don't lie to me, Elena. There is something you are hiding from us … something about the curse, right?"

"I don't want to talk about it! And this is not the point right now! The point is that in a few minutes a vampire will be here and he will take me to Klaus and then I will strike a deal with him – and you won't stop me!" I had hissed and wanted to turn around.

"You will not do that …", he had hissed back and grabbed my arm.

I had lifted my hand, my fist clenched, to beat him but Damon had been faster. With his other hand he had grabbed my arm before it had been able to reach his face and locked it in an unbreakable grip.

"I will never … never let him take you … as long as I live. That's what I promised myself. Even if it seems impossible, useless, I will find a way to save you. To protect you."

I hadn't known what to say, nor what to think. I hadn't even felt the painful grip of his hand around my fist. All I had been able to do had been to stare into his eyes, these deep blue eyes which had glared at me in deep anger. But that had not been what had made me shiver in this moment. I hadn't been shivering from fear. I had been shivering because I had seen something else in them. I hadn't recognized it during our conversation although he had been standing only inches away from me. But maybe I had been too furious, too eager to make him understand why I had acted the way I had. He had told me that I would hurt all my friends and my family with my plan, that I would hurt all of them if they had to let me go and literally watch me dying. He had named all of them. Stefan at first, followed by my family, my friends … and in the end, at the very end as if he would be the one who would be hurt the least of all , he had named himself. But that had been a lie. Actually … he should have named himself first. Beside all the anger and the fury I had been able to make out an immense fear in his deep blue eyes. The fear that he might, that he would lose me.

"Damon … please … let me go …"

Slowly his face had approached mine, closer and close, his eyes still staring into mine, never losing the connection. I hadn't been able to look away either. It had been as if he would have compelled me not to move, not to look away.

"Get your ass out the door before I throw you over my shoulder and carry you out myself", he had hissed, his voice barely more than a whisper.

"No", I had replied, my voice full of concern.

"Damon … they are nearly here …", Rose voice had said from the window and you had been able to hear the suppressed fear and hysteria in it.

"Leave! Immediately!" He had ordered her.

"Your last word?" He had asked in my direction after Rose had rushed out of the apartment.

"Yes", I had hissed, glaring at him.

And before I had been able to even let out a scream, he had grabbed me, thrown me over his shoulder and turned around to leave the apartment.

"Damon! Let me down! Immediately!" I had screamed smashing my fists into his back.

"You better shut up otherwise I will make you shut up!" He had hissed back and I didn't know what it had been that had made me stop screaming and beating him – the unbelievable fury in his voice? The grip around my waist that had tightened even more than it already had been? Or the concern that he would hurt me if necessary to save me from myself?

I hadn't been able to end the list of questions in my head because suddenly we had been rushing upstairs in vampire speed and in the next moment I had been led down and pressed against a wall with a hand on my mouth. With the other one Damon had indicated me to shut up.

A moment later I had been able to hear the voices of two vampires coming up the stairs and entering Slater's apartment. Then I had heard them calling for Alice … and the doppelganger. My chance …

I didn't know what had made me bite Damon's hand … a sudden impulse I would say, unbelievable stupidity he must have thought because the grip around my mouth had tightened even more and in addition to that he had covered my nose with his other hand now. Before I had been able to send him even one more glaring glance I had felt how I lost my consciousness.

I mustn't have been unconscious for very long because when I had awoken, I had been dangling over Damon's shoulder again and he had come to a stop in front of his car in the garage. I had been thrown onto the front passenger seat and belted up. Then he had jumped into car, started the engine and with squeaking tires we had left the garage, rushing out of Richmond.

"Why did you do that?"

"What? Save your life? Sorry that I can't let you die that easily!" He had hissed.

"At least you didn't need to make me fall unconscious!"

"You bit me!"

"As if it has hurt you!"

"Yes, it has hurt me."

"Don't talk such nonsense. You are a vampire."

"Maybe it wasn't the bite I was talking about …"

I had turned my head to face him but he had been staring onto the road which had been gleaming in the twilight, his hands clasping the steering wheel tightly. And that had been the last words for the rest of the way …

* * *

When we had reached my home, I had gotten out of the car immediately without turning around again. But if I had thought I could get rid of Damon that easily, I had been wrong. Within seconds he had left the car and walked up the path to the entrance door behind me with not even two inches between us.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Making sure that you don't start some stupid mission again?"

"Ah so you will follow every steps of me now?"

"If this is necessary …"

"Great, I always wanted to have a dog!" I had replied sarcastically while I had searched in my pockets for the key. But I hadn't needed one. The door had been opened and Jeremy had been standing in the entrance, a bandage around his neck and a worried expression on his face.

"What the hell happened to your neck?" I had asked horrified.

"No, don't tell me something went wrong!" Damon had said anticipating in the same moment.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I had said in Damon's direction now.

"I was stupid. I took some of the powder … I wanted to get the moonstone from her … I didn't want Bonnie to risk her life …" Jeremy had explained.

"The moonstone? From Katherine? You were in the tomb? With HER?" I had screamed.

"I don't think it worked and she was unconscious all the time otherwise you wouldn't have to hide her bitemarks under this bandage …" Damon had determined.

"No … no it didn't work out. I was too … slow … I didn't find it immediately … and then she grabbed me … and then Bonnie and Stefan came and Bonnie tried to release the seal for Stefan to get me out but then Bonnie dropped unconscious and Katherine pressed me against the wall and she bared her fangs and …"

"And what?" Damon had hissed.

"Stefan …" He had murmured.

"Stefan what?" I had screamed.

"Where is Stefan right now?" Damon had asked anticipating again.

"In the tomb … with … Katherine … sealed …" Jeremy had murmured.

"Oh my god!" Had been all I had been able to say. "Damon! We leave!" I had added, grabbed his arm and dragged him back to the car.

"Elena! I'm so sorry!" Had been the last words I had heard before I had closed the door and Damon had started the engine to rush down the road to the tomb.


	47. Blue eyes turning red (Elena)

**Blue eyes turning red (Elena) **

I had run down the stairs to the tomb, screaming Stefan's name again and again until I had been standing in front of the entrance. For a moment I had been torn – should I really go inside and probably start a fight with Katherine? Or should I remain here, in front of the entrance where I was safe? I had been just about to make a step into the tomb because I had decided that I hadn't been able to just stand here and do nothing when a hand had grabbed me, dragged me away from the entrance and pushed me against the next wall followed by an angry voice.

"Don't you dare!" Damon had hissed.

"Stefan's in there, Damon! We have to get him out!" I had screamed back angrily.

"Oh really? And how the hell do you want to do that? Have you become a witch by now or what?"

Still angry I had looked to the ground, not knowing what to answer. Of course I'd had no idea how to get him out but there had to be a way.

"We can't let him in there!" I had gone on, getting slightly nervous. "How can we get him out?"

"Calm – down!"

"How can I calm down?" I had screamed. "This is all your fault!" I had accused him in my anger and hysteria not really thinking about what I had actually been saying.

"My fault? Why the hell is this my fault now?"

"Because you let it happen!"

"I let it happen?! Seriously? Do you know what I did while your beloved Stefan tried to rescue your stupid brother out of Katherine's clutches? I tried to save you from your crazy kamikaze mission!"

"And I said I didn't want to be saved! So if you would have listened to me this would have ended completely different!"

"Oh yeah it would have ended differently. I would have been the hero as always, I would have saved Jeremy and I would have gotten imprisoned in the tomb with our nasty little bitch while you and Stefan could have lived happily ever after! Your perfect ending!"

"All of this would have ended differently if both of you would have listened to me! If you two wouldn't have started this damn stupid mission to get the moonstone involving Jeremy and Bonnie in it, it would have ended differently!"

"It was the right thing to do!"

"The right thing? This is the right thing to do?"

"Yes it is! It is way better than your stupid plan to surrender yourself to a bloodsucking monster without any sympathy!"

"For you!"

"I won't start this discussion again!"

"Fine then stop and let me go!" I had screamed while I had wanted to free myself from his grip around my wrists. But as useless as it had been in Richmond in Slater's apartment as useless it had been here in Mystic Falls in the tomb.

"Let go of me!" I had screamed again and again, fighting with all my strength against the grip around my wrists which got tighter and tighter as stronger I had fought.

"Damon, let go of me!" I had smashed my fists with all my human strength against his chest but it had been useless. How could a human win against a vampire?

"Let go of me ... please ..." My voice had turned from a scream into a desperate whisper. I had known that I could have begged him as much as I had wanted to, he wouldn't have changed his decision.

"You're done?" He had asked; no emotion at all in his voice while he had stared into my eyes.

I'd had to swallow to suppress some tears from despair. I had been breathing hard by now and my entire body had been trembling.

"You hurt me ... let me go ..." I had repeated and slowly he had loosened his grip around my wrists.

For a long moment I had just looked into his eyes and he had stared back into mine. Driven by a sudden impulse, just as crazy as it had been in Richmond, I had tried to get to the entrance of the tomb a second time but had been pushed back against the wall immediately.

"And now? Will you make me fall unconscious again?" I had hissed.

"If this is necessary!" He had hissed back.

"Gosh!" I had screamed and run with one hand through my hair.

_It is hopeless. I have no chance at all. _

I had given him one last furious glance, then I had run up the stairs, leaving the tomb and Damon behind me.

* * *

_I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!_ I had repeated over and over again in my mind.

I had been walking down the dark lonely road back to the city, my arms crossed in front of my chest. I had left the tomb immediately, not waiting for Damon to return and drive me home. Okay, it had been stupid and maybe even childish but at that moment I absolutely hadn't wanted to be somewhere near Damon otherwise I might have taken a stake and drive it through his heart from anger!

First he had crossed my plans to get to Klaus, then he had let happen that Stefan had gotten imprisoned in the tomb with this bitch and then I had not even been allowed to talk to Stefan? Gosh! Even if I would have entered the tomb! What would have happened? Katherine needed me for her damn deal with Klaus! It would have been unbelievable stupid from her to kill me! So the worst that could have happened had been that I would have had to listen to her arrogant comments about Stefan & Me, our stupidity or whatever!

But somehow Damon really had decided to play the hero and protect me from everything! Yeah okay … it was … sweet; in some weird way … but nevertheless! Why couldn't he understand that I didn't want to be saved! That I didn't want them to risk their lives for me! Yes, they didn't want to lose me but why couldn't they understand me then? Did they think I could live with the fact of losing even only one of them? Losing them because of me? As much as they loved me, as much I loved them! They were my friends, my family! I had to protect them! I was not like Katherine! I didn't use them to survive! I would never run away and leave them to their destiny … to Klaus anger and fury! Never! That's why I had wanted to surrender myself! Should he suck every single drip of my blood! Better my blood than theirs; better my life than theirs …

Suddenly my thoughts had been interrupted by the sound of a car coming closer and closer very fast. I hadn't stopped, just gone on as if I wouldn't have heard it. I had known who had been sitting behind the steering wheel. I had let him win in the tomb; I would not let him win again. I had heard how the car stopped with squeaking tires and how a door had been closed forcefully.

_Uh someone's angry … _

"Are you completely insane?" I had heard his familiar voice behind me but I hadn't stop, nor turned around.

"Would you please have the favor to stop!" He had screamed even louder, still walking behind me.

"And would you please have the favor to shut up and go to hell?" I had screamed back, swirling around and suddenly standing less than an inch away from him. We had stared into each other's eyes with obvious anger.

"Sorry, Miss Gilbert, but I can't fulfill you this wish!"

"Then, at least, leave me alone!"

"Not before you are save at home locked up so you can't do anything stupid anymore!"

"Never – ever!" I had hissed and turned around to continue my way.

I had heard a rushing sound and in the next second I'd had to come to an abrupt stop because Damon had been standing directly in front of me again.

"You come with me – RIGHT NOW!" He had hissed and I had been able to see that he'd had to hold himself back with all his strength not to explode.

"NO!" I had hissed back, glaring at him.

Suddenly I had heard a very familiar sound and in the next moment I had been staring into a completely different face. Damon's blue eyes had turned red and I had been able to see the dark veins under his eyes.

"Get – in – the – car! Immediately!" He had hissed between his bared fangs.

I had been so shocked in that moment that I hadn't been able to speak, nor move. I had just been staring speechless into his face – into these strange eyes, looking so threatening into mine, to his fangs which had symbolized me that they had been ready to pierce through my skin every moment.

It hadn't been the same as it had been at the masquerade ball. I had looked in the same face there but although he had scared me, I hadn't been seriously afraid of him. I had known that the anger had been because of Katherine. His gleaming red eyes had been meant to pierce Katherine, his fangs had been meant to pierce through Katherine's skin. This time it had supposed to be me. Me, Elena …

I had swallowed, feeling how my hands had started to tremble.

_This is Damon! This is Damon! He would never ever hurt you … not like this! He had come so many times to help you, to rescue you … he would give his life for you … _

Although I had tried to convince myself that I hadn't had to be afraid, it hadn't worked. I had known that it had been Damon but … this … this … I had swallowed, not able finish my thought. That Damon hadn't been the Damon I knew. That hadn't been the Damon who had taken me in his arms when I had been sitting in the rain in front of my car, helplessly sobbing. That hadn't been the Damon who had watched over me all night on a tree outside my bedroom. That hadn't been the Damon I had talked to on the bench at the lake. That hadn't been the Damon I had danced with at the masquerade ball. That hadn't been the Damon … I knew.

Where had my deep blue eyes been that could look into my soul, into my heart? They had been gone … replaced by a gleaming threatening red. Where had the teasing smile I loved so much been? It had been gone … replaced by an angry grimace and sharp fangs that could rip someone apart in seconds. Where had my Damon been? He had been gone … replaced by a … killer … a … monster.

When I had finally been able to move again I had immediately turned around and walked back to the car. I had crossed my arms in front of my body to stop the trembling and had stared to the ground, hiding the tears that had started to build up in my eyes.

I hadn't wanted to feel like that but on the whole way back to the car until I had sat on the front passenger's seat I had been so afraid that he would follow me, stop me and burry his fangs in my throat. I hated myself for that thought. I knew, I should have known that he would never have hurt me but … He had been so angry, so furious, so out of control … and even if he would have attacked me in that moment … I couldn't have blamed him. I could have blamed nobody but myself …

When I had heard how the door to the driver's side had been opened and closed forcefully, I had recoiled. I had crossed my arms even tighter in front of my chest when I had been able to feel Damon's presence beside me. I had turned my head to the right, forcing myself to stare outside the window. I hadn't dared to look at him. I hadn't dared to look in … his face …

And that's where I was now. In the end I had given up and risked a side look ... and seen that his face had changed back to ... a human one. Nevertheless ... his eyes were still ... blacker, more fathomless than the darkness outside ...

The whole way back home nobody of us spoke a word. I could hear how Damon breathed heavier than usual beside me but I was too afraid that my voice would be totally unsteady, would break, if I would start to speak, so I remained silent. The way seemed to be four times as long as it actually was and after a while the silence became so overwhelming that all I wished for was my house to come in sight and the car to stop so I could finally get out.

When his car finally reached my home I didn't even wait for it to stop completely. I pushed the door open and got out as fast as possible. When I smashed the door close behind me I could make out a whisper, barely audible for a human's ear. It was my name … and a voice, a tone I knew so well. But I didn't turn around when I rushed to the front door and I prayed that he would remain in the car and not follow me. This time he fulfilled my wish. When I closed the door behind me I could hear how he started the engine and drove away.

Slowly I walked to the kitchen. The whole house was already covered in darkness so Jenna and Jeremy must already been sleeping. On the kitchen table I found a note from Jenna - "Couldn't reach you on the phone. Ric and I decided to spend the weekend at the lake house. If something happens call me!" - and beside it a note from Jeremy - "I'm so sorry … but we have the moonstone". I smiled sadly; then I made a cup of hot chocolate. With the cup in my hand I slid down the kitchen board to the floor. I took a deep sip; then I leaned my head against the board.

My situation really didn't get any better. Today I had tried to solve at least one of the problems we had but thanks to Damon my plan hadn't worked out and now I was as close to get to Klaus as I had been before. And the problem was that now we might have the moonstone back so we could lift the curse but I would definitely prefer to have Stefan back at my side. Should Katherine keep this damn moonstone! Katherine … and Stefan … imprisoned in the tomb … just the two of them …

Immediately the doubts I had already had at the masquerade ball when he had been talking to her completely alone in this room of the Lockwood Estate came back to my mind…

_What if …? _

But I didn't want to end this thought. Yes, yes, he had been in love with her more than 145 years ago … or not even that if I could trust his statement that Katherine had only compelled his love … but he … he had been so sad when we had broken up. He … loved … me … and not Katherine. All he felt for her was pure hatred.

So why couldn't I just stop worrying? Why couldn't I trust him … completely? Maybe because Katherine and I looked absolutely the same? Maybe because Katherine was a bitch who would do everything to get him back? And now she would have a lot of time to convince Stefan that he loved her, that it hadn't been a lie and that he … still did. And I knew her tricks. She was … irresistible … for all men. Maybe even for Stefan.

Gosh, stop it Elena! You had enough problems! Better think about a way to get him out of the tomb! But what options did we have? Bonnie? When I got it right Bonnie had tried to release the seal but she'd had to use so much power that she had collapsed while speaking out the spell. When Bonnie couldn't release the spell then we were screwed. We had no other option! She was our only option! But there had to be another way! There had to be a different spell; something that worked but needed not that much power; something that didn't make Bonnie collapse. I had to search through the grimoire and the Salvatore mansion had tons of books! Somewhere there had to be written something! There had to be! I needed to call Dam …

Damon … I could slap myself for what I had done to him today. I had been such a … bitch. Gosh I had been like Katherine! Stubborn, egoistic and unfair. Yes, I still wanted to contact Klaus, I wanted to surrender myself to save my friends and my family … but … now while I sat here on the ground and everything was silent and I could finally order my thoughts I understood him, too.

Just as I couldn't watch them die, they couldn't watch me die…

Immediately his eyes came back to my mind; the expression in them while he had clasped my fist so tight that it had already hurt; the anger … superficial; but deep down inside … all I had been able to see had been pure fear and despair … to lose me forever. And then his words …

_"I will never … NEVER let him take you … as long as I live."_

Everything he had done today, no matter what, he had done out of pure fear and despair; just to save me. And what had I done? I hadn't only fought with him, screamed at him, been the perfect stubborn bitch who didn't want to listen. I had even accused him that it would be his fault that Stefan had been imprisoned in the tomb now …

How could I? Yes, the idea to get the moonstone from Katherine had been indeed very stupid … and if Jeremy wouldn't have decided to take matters into his own hands … If someone was innocent that Stefan was imprisoned in the tomb now than it was Damon. Nevertheless in my anger and fury I had needed someone to blame … and I had blamed Damon - although I would have had to blame nobody else but myself. I had infuriated him until he hadn't been able to stand it any longer …

I didn't know if he had scared me to death just to get me into the car or if he had just exploded … probably both … but actually it didn't matter. And I didn't blame him because I had driven him that far. It had been my fault and I think I would even have deserved to be pierced by his fangs. That he hadn't done it, was just another proof of how much he cared about me not getting hurt. He would rather have ripped his fangs out than hurt me with them …

In that moment I had been really scared of him, like I never had been before … but now, sitting here and thinking about it, I wasn't afraid at all anymore when I thought of his red gleaming eyes, the dark veins under his eyes and his bared fangs.

I had been wrong. It had still been the Damon I knew, my Damon; although he had looked different. I had just gotten to know his other side … the vampire side; and it belonged to him as much as the human side did …

I looked at the clock and realized that it was already past midnight. I really needed to go to bed. This day had been way too long for me. And tomorrow in the morning I would call Damon. I would apologize for my behavior and then we could make a plan of how to get Stefan out of the tomb … out of Katherine's clutches …


	48. Damon's best ways to lose (Damon)

**Damon's best ways to lose the woman you love (Damon) **

With a deep sigh, I let myself fall onto my bed and closed my eyes. And another epic day came to an end! I should really write a book. I think I could help many guys … humans or vampires. It would carry the title "Damon's best ways to lose the woman you love". It would be a bestseller, I was pretty sure.

I didn't know what to think about first of all the things that went wrong today …

My thoughts were abruptly interrupted by a knock on the door and I opened my eyes again.

"Damon?" Rose asked hesitating.

At first I didn't want to answer at all. I was absolutely not in the mood for talking right now but the worry that was clearly audible in her voice made me answer in the end.

"Yeah?

"Oh thank god, you needed so long to come back. I thought something might have happened ... and I just ran when you told me to leave Slater's apartment ..."

I had to smile. Sometimes this woman was just too sweet. 2 days ago she had kidnapped Elena and wanted to sell her to a murderous vampire and now she felt guilty for leaving us alone with these vampires ...

"Yeah ... well ... I didn't want to interrupt you. I just wanted to thank you ... for saving me ... again ... today ...", Rose went on.

"You're welcome."

I didn't say more and thought that she would have left but after a long moment of silence I could hear her voice again behind the door.

"Damon, are you okay? You ... sound so ... sad ..." She asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, I'm fine ...", I lied.

For another long moment, there was only silence from behind the door.

"You are lying ... but it is okay. If you want to talk about it ... you know where you find me ... good night ..."

Then I could hear how she departed from the door and walked down the corridor to the bedroom we had offered her.

I had to smile ... again. It was still an incomprehensible wonder how this woman always knew how I felt. What had I just said? Not more than "Yeah" and "You're welcome" – for my taste in a pretty normal tone – and nevertheless she had recognized that something was wrong and that I had lied. How did she do that?

Although I was touched by her interest, I was absolutely not in the mood to talk about all the things that had happened today. I needed to sort my thoughts first before I could talk with someone about it ... and even then I doubted that I wanted to talk about it ...

Okay where did I stop? Ah yeah with the Top 5 of the things that went wrong today ...

5th place ... How Elena had told us not to get the moonstone because she preferred to surrender herself to "Mr. I love to slaughter people painfully".

4th place ... How Rose had called me and I had driven like a moron to Richmond to fight with Elena what was the right thing to do – let us get killed or let her get killed. Really one of the rock-bottoms but I had to admit not the one.

3rd place ... How I had thrown her over my shoulder and carried her out because I had seen no other way? Hmm … actually no rock-bottom. At least for me it had been funny how she had slammed with her fists into my back or how she had bit me in the hand.

Even though I wasn't in the mood, I had to smile a tiny little bit. The scene must have looked epic from the outside and actually it had been fun although the situation had been dangerous. But hey, if I would risk my life again and again for this unbelievable stupid and stubborn woman I nevertheless loved so much, then I wanted to have at least some fun. So no … actually you could call it the best part of the day.

So Jeremy got the 3rd place for telling us that Stefan had gotten imprisoned in the tomb with our famous bitch while he had saved Jeremy out of her clutches. Definitely another rock – bottom because now I could find a way to get him out of that damn tomb again and I was alone with our mission to keep Elena save!

2nd place ... When she had accused me that everything had been my fault or even better – when I had bared my fangs and she had looked into my red gleaming eyes with her deep brown eyes so full of fear. And as if she had screamed it out loud I had been able to hear the words she had been thinking.

_Monster … killer … _

Still ... not the worst one.

The worst one had been when she had already left the tomb ... and she had left me alone. Stefan had slowly approached the entrance. Of course he had listened to our entire conversation, every single word. He had tried to convince me that Elena hadn't meant what she had said, that she had just been angry and needed someone to blame ...

As if I wouldn't have known that! The point was that I was always the one she blamed for everything! After I saved her! At the moment this might seem wrong to her, that she would have preferred to surrender herself to Klaus but after a while she would see that I had done the right thing!

So it had been the perfect circumstances. I had been ... I don't know ... angry? Mad? Disappointed? … and then Stefan had appeared, pretending to know her oh so well. In reality he didn't have the slightest clue and nevertheless he thought he had to tell me why Elena blamed me? Why did he even try to defend her? As if I wouldn't understand her myself!

In the end I had been furious because of Elena and because of my dear brother. And all of these inconvenient actions that had happened today summed up, had ended in a total loose of control when we had stood there on the street in the darkness. I'd never had the intention to hurt her. Even if I had been out of control, I would never have hurt her I would rather prefer to rip my own heart out before I would do this to her, burry my fangs in her neck …

Nevertheless ... I knew that I would never hurt her but she ... I had recognized how she had walked away back to the car, her whole body had been tense, awaiting to be grabbed every moment, to feel the sting of the fangs. She had been afraid, more than ever before ... and I had been the one who had frightened her that much ...

The image of her eyes at the masquerade ball came back to my mind, the moment after I had attacked Katherine and then had come to help her, my eyes still gleaming red and my fangs bared ... She had been so afraid of me in that moment, too. But there was a huge difference … I had bared my fangs because of Katherine, not because of her ... and she had known that. But today ... she had seen me that furious, that out of control because of her.

I didn't know what would happen if she would see me the next time ... would she still be afraid? Would she only see this part of me now? The inhuman part?

Could she still look at me and think _"Yes that's Damon, the Damon I know. The Damon who saved my life again and again, who danced with me, who talked and listened to me, who was there for me whenever I needed him ... who kissed me, who cares about me so much, the Damon who changed so much ... because of me"? _

Or would she just think ... _"No that's not the Damon I know ... that is a monster, the monster who hurt me over and over again and so many of my beloved people"? _

I shivered at this thought. I didn't know if I really wanted to know the answer. But the main point of it was that there had been two situations - at the masquerade ball and tonight. In both situations I had shown her what I really was - a killer, a hunter, a monster. And in both situations she hadn't been able to look at me without fear, to stand my appearance... She couldn't stand this side of me, the side that despite everything belonged to me. But she could stand it when she looked at Stefan ...

_Okay, Damon, stop it. You have already been there ... that night after the masquerade ball ... and you know that you are not Stefan. It is useless to go on thinking about it, to go mad about it. You can't change it ... even if you want to ..._

But nevertheless there was still place 1, one thing that had been even worse than having frightened her so much.

After Stefan had tried to defend Elena, I had stopped him from babbling even more nonsense very fast and promised him to find a way to get him out. But Stefan being Stefan didn't want to be saved, he wanted to figure everything out alone - so that I could pay all my attention to Elena and "How to save Elena".

In the end Stefan's stupidity would lead me to cooperate with our little semi-competent Bennett witch to find a way how to de-spell the moonstone and it lead me to something else. Stefan wanted me to keep Elena away from the tomb and to protect her, no matter what happened ... and I had promised him.

My sarcastical mood immediately changed to a mood I had gotten very used to during the last days, last weeks. I was torn …

I had to keep her safe ... as long as Stefan was gone, as long as he couldn't play the hero. But when she would have Stefan back, she wouldn't need me anymore. Then she would have her hero back who would protect her and love her and be there for her.

Now I would be good for her, as her guardian and the minute Stefan would walk out of the tomb, I would be left behind without another glance ... like always.

What did I get when I was together with her? When I saved her life? Accusations, Hatred, Fury. And what did my brother get? What did Stefan get from her? Her kisses, her passion, her love ...

Why had I even promised him? Why? Why had I been such an idiot? Without wasting a thought on my feelings I had promised Stefan to protect her. I was such an idiot! An egoistic idiot. Yes, yes, yes ... damn yes, I wanted her to be save and I wanted to protect her. The last thing I wanted was to lose her but it was enough.

This day had been such an example. I had kept her save and I had earned only hatred and accusations and Stefan had gotten the pity for being imprisoned with Katherine. Nobody had wasted a thought on me, that I had risked my life for her ... especially not Elena. I never intended to be egoistic when it came to her but in this situation ... I had to be egoistic ... to save myself.

If I would do it, play the hero, the guardian, I would spend every free minute with her ... from morning until evening. I would get to know how it felt to have her around me all the time, I would have to stand her presence, to have her so close ... still knowing she was not mine, still having to endure my feelings for her, still having to pretend every single minute, every second that she meant not everything to me, that I didn't love her. I would have to stand her conversations about how much she missed Stefan ... without knowing that she would rip my heart out, again and again, with every sentence she would say about my brother ...

And then? When we could get him out, when Stefan would be back ... he would rip her out of my hands and I would be left alone again, with nothing but the memories of the short time where there had been only me and her, without my brother, memories that would torture me ...

I wouldn't be able to stand that. My heart wouldn't be able to stand that. I had to be egoistic.

_I promise you, Elena, I will find a way to get Stefan out of that tomb and I will protect you as good as I can ... but I have to save myself, too … and this is only possible if I stay away from you ... as far as possible ..._

* * *

I woke up at the ring of my mobile phone. Slowly I got into a sitting position and ran with my hands through my hair. I must have fallen asleep the way I had fallen onto my bed last night. Awesome, this time it didn't need hundred bottles of Bourbon to finally fall asleep, to forget that I was laying alone in my bed, with the right side being empty ... as it always had been and always would be.

All it had needed had been some torturing thoughts about Elena ... that had haunted me even while I had been asleep. I couldn't remember what exactly I had dreamed of but it had been a mixture of bared fangs from which blood had been dripping, fearful brown eyes and two bitemarks on a pale white throat. The scene had been followed by a blurry one where I had held her in my arms and in the next moment she had pushed me away and had been running towards Stefan …

I didn't want to look into a mirror. I had to look horrible. And this damn phone better should stop ringing otherwise ...

I grabbed the phone and was about to throw it against the next wall but I abruptly stopped in the middle of the movement. On the display of the phone I saw a name, the last name I wanted to see there ... Elena … and within seconds the torn feeling was back ...

_Okay stay calm, Damon and rational. _

This call had one positive aspect: She wouldn't call if she would still be scared to death.

I had to suppress an ironic laughter.

At least one thing.

Nevertheless it left me with the question if I should pick up the call. If I did my dream would come true, maybe not in such an exaggerated form but nevertheless she would ask to come over to look through tons of books, call the little witch and we would spend all day looking through books on the search for a way to get Stefan out that tomb ...

I had the scene so perfectly in mind as if it would be real and happening right now. I would sit on a couch in the living room, reading through an ancient book with all my concentration and suddenly a flick of brown hair would caress my cheek and Elena would lean over the backrest of the couch, her face less than an inch away from mine. She would look me over the shoulder and point to a paragraph of the book, I held in my hands, which might be important ...

Only the imagination of this scene tore my insides apart , tore my heart apart ...

No, no, no! Remember what you promised yourself yesterday night, Damon! You said, you would help her, keep her safe but you would also stay as far away from her as possible.

My hand had closed around the phone so tightly that I would have expected it to have broken into pieces but it hadn't. Instead, it was still ringing, still writing Elena's name on the display. My thumb went to the green button to pick up the call … steered by my heart. But before I could press the button, my mind won over my heart. I pressed the red button to reject the call. I sighted deeply. Then I typed in a different number.

"Hey, Jer ... Can you do me a favour?"


	49. On the edge (Katherine)

**On the edge (Katherine)**

I had to admit, in the beginning I had been really upset with the way things had turned out. I had planned everything so nicely! Not even my two Salvatores had been able to stop me and what or better who had broken my neck in the end? This stupid witch! I always said it, always! You couldn't trust these damn witches!

I'd had Stefan were I had wanted him to be – okay wrong way to say it. I hadn't actually planed to pin him at a wall of the Lockwood estate. He had just infuriated me with his unbelievable never ending "I never loved you, I only love Elena" nonsense. I'd had to do it!

And Damon ... I had been nasty and mean, really nasty and mean. And it had been fun. My plan had completely worked out. I had to admit, it had been a tiny little bit hard to torture Damon like this; to see his deep blue eyes so full of pain, see how all the hope about a future with Elena had diminished out of them and the only thing that had remain had been pure sadness ... tragic.

Again.

But this guy just didn't want to learn from his mistakes! Gosh! Didn't he have better things to do then repeating history over and over again?

In 1864 he had seen a beautiful woman. Brown curly hair, brown eyes like Bambi's, elegant dress and a flirty smile and within seconds he had nearly wanted to fall on his knees and beg her to marry him ...

A bit more than 140 years later he saw a beautiful woman - less beautiful than the one he had seen in the past of course, brown - and old fashioned boring straight hair, brown eyes like Bambi - less intense than the one's of the woman from the past, dressed in ... well normal boring absolutely unfeminine jeans and shirt and a sweet innocent cute smile which screamed "Protect me!" ... and again, within seconds he turned from a hot murderous vampire into a puppy, panting in front of her and begging with these irresistible deep blue eyes to love him.

But the woman from 1864 had never returned his love and so didn't the woman from the present ... tragic little story.

But I had warned him, if he didn't want to listen, not my problem.

Well nevertheless his love for my sweet doppelganger had been very helpful in this case. While Stefan had been pinned to the wall in a room, he hadn't been able to leave, Damon had stayed outside – exactly the way I had wanted it to be. I had know that he would free himself from the stakes pretty fast and I had also known that he would immediately run after me to save his beloved Elena ... and that's where my little show had started ...

First Act: Torturing Elena.

Second Act: Waiting for as furious Damon to arrive.

Third Act: An impressive fight I would win of course.

Fourth Act: Torturing Damon – physically and psychologically.

And what do we get?

Sweet innocent "I only love Stefan" – Elena who suddenly realized that the vampire with the stunning blue eyes meant more to her than she had thought and even wanted to give her life for him to protect him from the fatal stake through his heart.

A perfect play with a perfect ending – for me.

Now our dear Elena wasn't so sure anymore who she really loved – Stefan? Damon? Both? And that was when I came in. I would make it very easy for her to decide … and I still hadn't used all my jokers when it came to Stefan. So the masquerade ball had been a complete success ... until the witch had decided that she'd had to play the perfect relative for the Bennett bitch and help her freeing Stefan, rescuing Damon and Elena ... and imprisoning me in this damn dirty tomb!

I had sit in the tomb already for some time now – in the same uncomfortable dress, without anything to eat, without anything to do! How the hell had the vampires from 1864 endured all of this for decades?

But before I could have gone insane from the thirst and the boredom, I had gotten a nice visit by Mrs. Gilbert. And tada, suddenly I had something to drink and something to do! Read my family history! Okay, there were better things a vampire could do but in a dirty dark tomb with stones as the only available things to play with ... let's say it felt like ripping a throat out; very painfully, very appreciatively.

In return she had wanted to get to know more about Klaus. Well, I didn't like to talk about my past but to see the fear in her eyes when I had told her about my suicide or that Klaus had slaughtered my whole family ... yeah it had been definitely worth it.

And in the end this conversation had led to an even better ending for me! My vampire clan had decided that knowing now that Klaus would come for Elena they needed the moonstone back which they had imprisoned with me in the tomb – very intelligent.

So they had invented a nice little plan to get it – the only thing they hadn't considered had been the stupidity of the Gilberts. It had to lay in their gens. So our little Jeremy had decided that he didn't want to risk the life of his beloved Bennett witch and had taken manners in his own hands to get in the tomb and get the moonstone. What he hadn't considered had been the fact that I was a vampire – and he was not; and that it was very important to leave again very fast when you had infuriated me. So I had decided to take Jeremy as my breakfast, lunch and dinner – thank god to this nice ring from uncle John he returned to life again and again! Epic – I should keep him as my personal meal on legs actually.

And well I had known that superman Stefan and Bennett bitch Bonnie wouldn't make me wait that long. They had started a really pathetic rescue mission in which the little witch had proofed that she was indeed a pseudo-witch and how had it ended? Jeremy was free again; they had the moonstone ... and what did I have? My nice ex-boyfriend! Imprisoned with the woman he loved more than anything else in the world in a tomb where it was so cold that you needed to warm each other.

This whole getting-imprisoned-in-the-tomb thing got better and better! Yeah I had lost my meal on legs and the moonstone but I had Stefan! What could be better? I think, I had really made a very good deal ...

And that's actually where we were now. I was walking around in the tomb while Stefan was sleeping on our very comfortable lounger, Damon had been so free to bring us, trying to shut out that I was there... as if I would let that happen.

A mean smile appeared on my face. Let's see how we could make Stefan's dream a little bit ... hotter ...

"Damn! Stay out of my head, Katherine!" He screamed a few minutes later starting up from his sleep.

"Hmm ... if it is THAT easy to get into your head ..." I replied, a mean grin on my face. "And why are you so angry now? Didn't you like what you saw? You must admit I am hot! And don't pretend that you haven't thought of ripping this dress off of my body since we are here!" I went on teasing him.

"Yeah, I thought about it. To rip it into pieces and smash every little piece of it into your mouth so I don't have to endure your talking any longer."

"Uhhh you love sex games! I didn't know that! Me, naked, tied up on these metal rods not able to say a word ... Silent waters really run deep ..."

"Shut up!"

"I did shut up for the last days having no one to talk to here just MYSELF. Now I have the best company I can imagine! I will definitely NOT shut up, my dear."

"Oh little Miss Katherine had been bored?"

"To death! And you are going to pay for it now as my personal entertainer. So what about my dress now? I am in it for days and it is really not that comfortable. Do you want to help me get out of it?" I asked him while I turned my back to him and sending him an inviting smile with a look over my shoulder.

But Stefan only rolled his eyes and turned his head away. Gosh! He should enjoy this! I bet he doesn't get such an invitation from Elena! And what should she say "Do you want to help me getting out of my washed out jeans and my long sleeve?" Very sexy. She really should take lessons in "How to seduce a man/vampire". First rule is that you always have tons of things with a nice zipper in the back. This ALWAYS works. What can be sexier than unzipping a girls dress and letting it slowly drop to the ground? But well we talk about Elena who has no sense for sexiness at all.

"Oh c'mon, Stefan. Don't be such a grump! We're here together. We may as well make the best out of it and spend the time well."

"No thanks", Stefan replied sarcastically. "I prefer to talk to the stone wall. Way less annoying than you are!"

"Okay your decision. But you do know what Damon is doing in exactly this moment? There are different ways to define "Protecting Elena". I think he will take really good care of her, really good. I mean now you are gone and don't intervene between the two. They have a whole huge mansion for themselves. Nobody who disturbs them. And Damon is not ugly. I wouldn't push him out of my bed ..."

"I know my dear, you didn't. Or did you forget your hanky-panky with both of us in 1864?" Stefan hissed.

"No, I didn't and I must admit ... it was fun. He was fun ..." I replied with significant grin on my face. "I bet Elena can't resist him ..."

"She is not you, Katherine!" Stefan exploded.

"No? How do you know?" I replied immediately, leaving Stefan speechless and with clenched teeth.

_Gosh, I love this, I love it when he is angry. So dashing! Hmm ... let's see ... _

"Did she tell you how desperately she tried to save him when I was about to smash this wooden stake in his heart at the masquerade ball? That she told me I should kill her instead of him? That he means everything to her?"

Stefan turned his head away to face the ground but I could see that he was shortly before exploding because he clenched his fist firmer and firmer.

"Hmm okay from your reaction I see she didn't. So given what's most certainly going on out there, I'd say you're free to do whatever you want in here. Nobody will ever now", I replied smiling.

"And what do you dream about at night?"

"Hmm ... about ... you!" I replied with my best flirtatious smile but I only earned some rolling eyes again.

"Why are you doing this?" He said, still facing the ground.

"What?"

"This! Torturing me! Making me want to believe that there is something going on between my brother and Elena, knowing how much it hurts me and nevertheless again and again telling me that you came back for me, that you love me! You know as good as I do that it is a lie!"

"It isn't a lie." I replied honestly, my mood changing in an instant.

I didn't know why. Yes, I liked to play with Stefan, to tease him but when he came to this topic; to the topic that I loved him and that he didn't believe me, it was weird and I never ever had felt this before. Every time I felt a stitch where my heart was supposed to be. I felt a mixture of emotions; anger because he didn't want to believe me; despair because I was sure he never would; sadness because I knew I ruined it, because I knew it was my fault that he thought like this about me, that he felt like this about me. And I felt this need; this need to proof him under any circumstances that I told him the truth; because that was what I did.

"You can't fool me anymore, Katherine. When the hell have you ever told the truth? I guess not a single time in your life!"

"You are right. As long as I lived – as a human or a vampire – my life consisted out of lies. My life is based on lies. I lied to my father and my mother about the man I was meeting back in Bulgaria so many decades ago – to protect myself. I lied to Klaus, I pretended that I didn't know about his secret and the plans he had for me before I escaped – to protect myself. I lied to Elijah, I used him and Trevor – to save myself. After I flew out of England and came to America, all I did was lying – I lied about my name, my origin, my intentions ... Katerina didn't exist anymore. I moved from one state to another, always creating a new identity, a new life ... over and over again because it kept me save. But then I came to Mystic Falls and I met you ... and for the first time since decades I could be myself again ..."

"This is ridiculous!"

"Ridiculous? This is love!"

"Love? Katherine you are incapable of love!"

"Yeah, you think so? Why did I consider then to stay in Mystic Falls? To stop running? To risk to get caught? Why did I suddenly think that my life could be different? That I can have a home ... and someone I can spend my eternity with?"

"You did think that? Why did you run then in the end – leaving us dead behind?" Stefan hissed.

"Because I couldn't change who I was ... since decades I had learned that the only way to survive is to think only of yourself, to make sure you are safe no matter the price. If you trust others, if you start to care for them, you are doomed to die and ...

"Oh yeah, exactly! This is what we did! We DID trust you and we DID die for you! From the very first moment I met you I was doomed to die ... because I trusted you."

"You are right. Maybe. Am I allowed to go on then now?" I hissed back at him.

"Oh don't let me stop you. At least some entertainment here ... bedtime stories." Stefan mocked.

_This ... man ... _

I could feel the rage building up inside me, like a wild raging fire storm ready to explode any minute. I could destroy everything now by pushing him to the ground and burry my fangs in his skin but ... something was keeping me from it. Although I was exploding inside, I had to stay calm.

_I have to stay calm. This is your chance … to tell him the truth ... and maybe, maybe he will believe you ..._

_this might be the only chance to show him that there is a different side of you ... _

A different side which was buried so deep inside that I already thought it wouldn't exist anymore; my human side. But looking in his eyes; these eyes that brought the memories of a time long ago up again; memories of a time I wanted to have back so desperately. I had to fight for it.

_It is worth it, Katerina, he is worth it ..._

"If you trust and love you are doomed to die ... and nevertheless I didn't care anymore … because you changed me. You changed what I had been all the time before. You woke up a side in me, I thought I had lost a long time ago, a side that died ... my human side."

"Your human side?" Stefan interrupted me again, laughing. "You NEVER had a human side Katherine! Not as a human and not as a vampire!"

"Damn, stop it!" I finally exploded and grabbed his shirt to throw him onto the hard stone bench.

I swung my leg over the bench, sat on top of him and let my hands glide to his throat.

"This might be my only chance to make at least a bit right from what I did wrong so many decades ago, so shut up, okay?" I hissed, my fangs bared.

"To make at least a bit right from what you did wrong? To make right that we died because of you, that my brother started to hate me because of you, that my whole life was turned into hell because of you? You will never be able to make any of it right! Not even a little bit!" He croaked out tedious under my tighter getting hands around his throat.

"Let me at least try", I hissed.

"Okay, go on, if I don't listen I will end up dead and I have been through that. I won't die a second time because of you."

"Yeah we all know that. But for your precious Elena ..." I mocked, letting the sentence unfinished.

"You wanted to go on, so could you please? And could you please get your paws of my throat? You said I should listen, if you really want me to listen to your fake stories until the end it would be better," Stefan hissed back.

"A pleasure", I replied arrogantly, removing my hands from his throat and snapping my fangs back. "Where did I stop? Right ... You awoke my human side again, the side that is able to care and love. Stefan, I seriously had the plan to risk it, to stay. I didn't mind to be doomed to die! I would have died ... for you!"

"So why did you run in the end? Why didn't you die for me? Why did you let us get killed?"

"The problem is that if you have to decide, if you are in a conflict situation you always end up choosing the path you know the best. The path I knew the best was looking out for myself and running! When I found out that the town knew about us I panicked! I knew that sooner or later the word would get around and Klaus would know where I was. You don't know Klaus! You don't even have the slightest idea what he is capable of! You can be happy that I did run! If he would have found me in Mystic Falls; if he would have found out about my connection to you; that I ... care for you ... he ..." I swallowed and turned my face away.

When I looked back at Stefan all I could see was pure disbelief. "Yes, you heard it right, Klaus is the one I had run away from ever since. If you want to know all the story ask your precious Elena ... I told her everything."

"I wasn't surprised about that. I was surprised about your reaction ..."

"What? That I am capable to feel? To show a different emotion than arrogance and fury?" I hissed.

"Why did you run away alone, Katherine? Why didn't you tell us the whole story?"

"If I would have told you or even worse if we would have run together, you would have been in danger, to get caught and slaughtered by Klaus, too. Have you heard the little story of Trevor and Rose?"

"You didn't tell me because you were afraid for me?" Stefan asked incredulously although it was more a statement.

"What? You are surprised that I can be selfless, too?"

"Actually ... yeah. Nevertheless, even if this is true, the main reason for you to run was to escape so Klaus or the town didn't catch YOU. Nevertheless you let us die!"

"I didn't let you die, Stefan! I never wanted to take that decision away from you! How could I have known that you would follow the caravan to free me? How could I know that your father would kill his own sons?"

"You knew how much he hated vampires and everyone who helped them ... and you know how much ... we ... cared about you!"

"Nevertheless I never believed he would kill his own sons!"

"And nevertheless you were the one who feed us your blood! Without your blood ..."

"... you would be dead by now!"

"And maybe that would have been better. It would have spared me an eternity of misery."

"Like I said, I never wanted to take that decision away from you. I wanted you to learn to love me the way I was, to lose the fear you had for me and I hoped that you would decide to turn in the end, to be with me forever. I would never have turned you forcefully, Stefan."

This time it was Stefan who turned his face away.

"But I don't regret having feed you my blood. When I was lying in this trailer, I wasn't afraid that I would die. Yes, your dad caught me but I had George Lockwood on my side. He wouldn't have risk to lose me because he would have lost the moonstone, too. That had been our deal. I was afraid that I would probably never see you again. And deep inside, I knew that it would be better if I stood as far away from Mystic Falls as possible. But then you were shot and I saw you dying and I knew you would come back ... I knew that if you maybe decide that you want this life, this life as a vampire, we would see each other again. Stefan, I regret a lot of things in my life. I regret that I could never make it up with my family before Klaus slaughtered them, I regret that I ran away from Klaus, that I didn't let myself get caught and killed. Then my family would have been able to go on living ... and you would never have met me, I would never have turned your life into a hell ... but apart from all these mistakes ... there is one thing I don't regret in the end ... and that is that I decided to go to Mystic Falls ... because without this decision I would never have met you. You can hate me now, you can hate me forever, but you can't take away these memories... and I don't regret a single minute of the time we spend together ..."

"Is that true?" Stefan whispered after a while of silence between us.

"Yes, it is, trust me", I whispered back, looking straight into his eyes.

A small hope was rising inside of me ...

"How can I trust you, Katherine? How can I trust you that you are not lying? That you won't sell me out the next moment to ... I don't know get out of the tomb? To get to Elena and hand her over to Klaus to be free? How can I trust you after all you did to us? How can I trust you when you don't trust anybody? Love, Katherine, is built on trust but you run from it."

"Stefan, don't you see how difficult it is for me? For my heart? To ... trust? To be honest? To let down the shields that protected me all these centuries? My heart never learned to trust, never really learned what love is, never learned what it is like to be loved. I spend my whole life on the run, trusting anybody, caring about anybody, because that had been the only way to survive. I had shut out every emotion I was capable to feel! And then you came ... and suddenly I was able to feel again ... but it wasn't enough. I didn't have enough time. I wanted to trust you! I wanted to love you! But I hadn't reached the point where I could completely trust somebody and let down my shields! If you live a whole life like this you can't just change who you are in an instant! It needs time! But if you give me time ..."

"Katherine, have you forgotten what you did to me? To Damon? To Elena? To Jenna? To everyone since you have returned? Do you want to make me believe that you did all of this because of love?"

"Love makes you do crazy things ... "

"What is love for you then?"

"Never giving up. Waiting. If necessary forever. I will wait, forever. All I need is a little hope ..."

"Katherine ... you are not the girl from 1864 anymore. You are not the girl I ... fell in love with anymore. I built up a life here, I was happy! And then you came and you destroyed everything! How could I ever trust you again? How could I ever love you ... again? After all?"

"Maybe I can change, maybe if I can proof you that I am worth trusting, worth loving ... One day I can be that girl for you again ... without lies."

Stefan didn't reply anything to that, instead he turned his head away again and stared onto the stone wall. I could nearly feel the storm that was raging inside of him. The storm my words had set free.

He admitted it. He admitted that he loved me. He said he loved me; not that I compelled to love him. Finally. And now; now he was fighting this inner fight if he could trust me, if he could love me again. He was standing on the edge ... only one step away from the precipice; one step away to let himself fall. A last doubt; a last word ...

"You know what I did that night?

"Which night?" He asked turning his face away from the wall to look me in the eyes again.

"The night you died ... the night I ran away ..."

"What?" He whispered.

"I met George at the clearing, my carriage was already waiting for me, I handed him the moonstone over and he told me to hurry. I was just about to follow him to the carriage when I turned around one last time. It was the clearing you were shot; where you died. I saw your lifeless body. I had to leave ... but one last time; one last promise. I gathered my skirt together and ran towards you. I kneeled down. I stroke with my hand over your face ... just like this", I said while my hand was softly touching his cheek, just like that night so many decades ago.

"I love you, Stefan. We will be together again. I promise ... that were the words I said to your dead ... no, your transmuting body ... and then I kissed your lifeless lips. I never forgot about that promise, not a day, not a minute, not a second. This is what I wanted you to know. I have only one weak point, Stefan. And that is you. Use it against me, do what you want. Sooner or later you will be my death. I always knew that. But I don't mind ... not anymore", I whispered and fell silent.

I stared into his eyes, his intense green eyes which fascinated me from the very first moment, I had seen them. I could still see the fight in them while the silence grew and grew between us. In this moment I was so afraid, more afraid then I had ever been before in my life. I was afraid that he would reject me; that he would scream at me; telling me, I was lying. Nothing broke my heart, no begging eyes that did pray to let go, not to kill and drain every single blood out of the body; no insults; no tears; nothing ... nothing but Stefan telling me he still hated me.

I had told him everything, the whole truth, my deepest secrets, my deepest fears, thoughts I would never have told anybody. I had displayed my last trump. This was the end. His reaction would decide. My heart was racing while I stared into his eyes, desperately praying he would say something, desperately trying to figure out his mood ...

Suddenly his expression was changing. I could see how the astonishment about my words turned into anger, how his jaw got tense, how he clenched his fist ready to slam into something ... and then he turned his head away.

In this moment my heart broke. I could feel it; the million pieces that scattered in my entire body, piercing it. A feeling I had never felt before. A feeling that killed me …

I could feel the tears building up in my eyes, something I hadn't felt since the day I had come back home; back to Bulgaria to find my entire family slaughtered. I could feel how a tear drop ran over my cheek and dripped off of it. I wanted to turn around, get off of Stefan and get into the deepest corner I could find, get into the blackest darkness. My darkness. The place where I belonged. Alone. Forever. My own fault.

I turned my face away and was about to get off of him when suddenly two hands jolted up and cupped my face. Stefan had gotten up into a sitting position. He was staring into my eyes. I stared back into his. Then I could see how he decided to jump ...


	50. The red rag (Elena)

**The red rag (Elena)**

After what felt like the hundreds ringing, I finally gave up and pressed the red button to end the call.

_Screw you, Damon Salvatore! _

Even before I had finished the thought, I already regretted it. Sure, of course he didn't want to pick up. Why would he want to talk to me? He had every right to reject me, to be angry with me. I hoped that if I would give him some time to think about everything, order his thoughts, just like I did yesterday night, he might have calmed down ... and would hear me out. But I think this time I just had gone too far. I was such an idiot. Perfect, Elena. You put the only one off who could have helped you getting Stefan back!

Angrily I threw the phone on my blanket and let myself drop onto my bed. And now? Should I risk to be personally rejected by him when I showed up at his door?

_Don't be such a coward, Elena! _

What could happen in the worst case? That he wouldn't want to listen to you? That he would slam the door in your face? Bare his fangs and chase you off the property?

A hysteric laughter left my mouth. I was getting insane from these thoughts.

_Get dressed and go to him_, I motivated myself. _Yes, that's exactly what I will do! You do not help Damon nor Stefan by laying here complaining about the situation, brooding over what you should have done differently and imagining what may happen now. _

I jumped up from the bed and into my Converse. Then I went down the stairs and grabbed the keys from the cupboard in the hall. When I passed the kitchen, a voice let me stop in my movement.

"Morning", Jeremy said wary.

"Hey and goodbye", I replied, about to rush over to the door but Jeremy didn't let me go that easily.

"Are you still mad with me?"

"Listen, Jer, I don't have much time but no I am not. It's not your fault. At least not ... completely."

Jeremy didn't reply but gave me a forced smile.

"So don't worry, okay?" I went on, the door handle already in my hand.

"Where are you going?"

"Making atonement for my stupidity. It seems to me that this lays in the Gilbert gens!" I shouted as the door closes behind me.

* * *

My heart was pounding when I finally reached the Salvatore mansion.

_And now? What do I say? The same as I said to Jeremy? Sorry for my stupidity but it is a Gilbert gen thing?_

I sighted; then I got out of the car and slowly walked towards the entrance. As always the door was not locked. I pushed it open and walked down the corridor until I reached the living room. I peeked into it but it was empty. Suddenly I heard a voice and laughter and when I turned around I was suddenly standing in front of Damon who had nearly bumped into me if he wouldn't have such quick reflexes.

"Elena?" He asked in obvious astonishment.

I didn't know what to reply and just stared into his eyes. In this moment I heard a voice shouting from the other end of the corridor and seconds later Rose came in sight.

"I said you need a break and have some fun!" Rose shouted laughing. "So drop the documents or I drag them out of your hands and burn ..."

When she saw me she immediately interrupted herself and the smile on her face died down.

"Elena?" She asked with the same obvious astonishment.

I looked from her, back to Damon and back to her. Just as the last time I had met her in the Salvatore Mansion she was only wearing a tiny small robe – this time in white instead of violet. I clenched my teeth. Oh Mr. Salvatore seemed to have an own wardrobe for his "girlfriends" – full of clothes you can rip off very easily and very fast, I thought bitterly.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Damon asked after I didn't make any attempts to say a word.

"Oh I could ask you the same!"

"We ... I ... was just ..."

"Oh you were just what? About to have breakfast?" I said with a side glance to Rose who looked away in embarrassment. Damon wanted to reply something but then he just shut his mouth again and frowned.

"Why the hell are you not at home? I told Jeremy ..."

"You did what?"

"Yeah, well someone has to look after you. I don't feel like risking my life two days in a row!" Damon replied, slowly becoming angry.

"I told you, I don't want to get imprisoned in my own house! And it seems to me as if you should find a better watch dog when you already let other people do your work! Oh sorry, I forgot, you were busy", I replied sarcastically.

For a moment Damon didn't say a word, just glared at me.

"Actually yes, I was busy", he said between his clenched teeth.

"Yes, right, letting yourself chase through the house. And of course you would have let Rose catch you in your bedroom! I am so stupid. You were just too busy spending the entire morning having fun with her to answer my phone calls! And I came here to apologize for my stupid behavior yesterday! Ridiculous. I thought you would help me! I thought you would be my friend!" I screamed and turned around. "I shouldn't have come" where the last words I said before I slammed the door and ran back to my car.

When I started the engine and turned the car, I saw Damon opening the entrance door. I stepped on the gas to get away as fast as possible but I wasn't fast enough to miss his last words.

"I was busy finding a damn way to get YOUR Stefan out of this damn tomb!" Damon screamed and the last thing I saw before I reached the end of the drive way was how the door snapped shut, whirling up a bunch of documents which had been let dropped to the ground.

* * *

_I am so stupid, so stupid, so stupid_, I repeated over and over again, slamming my fist onto the steering wheel. I had stopped the car on the road shoulder somewhere between the mansion and the town when my anger had disappeared and I had seen clearly again.

This went wrong, so completely wrong! He had spend his time to find a way to free Stefan ... and I had accused him to not help me at all; to just have fun. I was such an idiot! I came to apologize for my stupidity and what did I do? Start a new fight as soon as I saw Rose! Why the hell was this woman such a red rag for me whenever I saw her with Damon? It's like I was transmuting into a totally different person! A contentious, snippy bitch who didn't think the slightest moment about what she was actually saying!

Gosh but it had been so obvious. Rose, the robe, the laughter ... the laughter ... I swallowed. When had been the last time I had seen Damon laughing? The last days his face expression had only changed between fury and even deeper fury ... because of me. The last time I had made him laugh had been ... at the masquerade ball … when we had been sitting on the bench and had talked.

A new wave of anger rushed through my body. He had found a better person to keep him entertained now! Immediately after I had finished the thought I bit on my lip. There it was again; this feeling I always felt when I thought of her ... of Rose. It was the same feeling I'd had when I had seen her walking down the stairs in her robe yesterday morning ... jealousy. But why? Because she could make him laugh? And I could only infuriate him? Because he didn't want to talk to me, rejecting my phone calls? But he talked to her, spend time with her instead? This was ridiculous! I just ... missed Stefan.

Stefan ... that's what I would do. Now there was no Damon who could hold me back from entering the tomb, from seeing Stefan, from talking to him. Should Katherine interrupt us! I would stand her sarcastic comments! I just needed to see Stefan; to clear my messed up mind, to be able to think clearly again. And then; then I would start a new apologize – mission. I sighted; then I started the engine and drove down the road to the tomb.

When I arrived at the tomb, I jumped out of the car and ran down the stairs to the entrance of the tomb in anticipation.

_When I just started talking to him, I will feel better again ... normal again! I will forget all these weird thoughts, these weird feelings!_

I had just entered the tomb and was about to shout his name when I came to an abrupt stop. I froze. I saw the scene that was taking place in front of my eyes but the images didn't reach my mind. I didn't understand what was happening. My mind was blank, empty, not capable to express a clear thought.

But my heart; my heart understood the images. I couldn't catch a breath because it felt as if someone had placed a huge burden on my chest. Afraid to suffocate, I breathed harder and harder and still ... no air was filling my lungs. A trembling started in my hands and I clenched my fist to suppress it but it was too late. Like a wild fire it started to race through my body until I was about to collapse. It was as if someone had smashed a stake directly into my stomach; into my heart; had broken it into a million pieces.

And the person who had held the stake had been ... Katherine.

Finally starting to realize what was happening I abruptly turned my eyes away and turned around. Half blind, I stumbled up the stairs. On the last step my legs didn't want to carry me any longer. I stumbled and fell to the ground, into the dirt. As fast as possible I got up again, rushing to my car as if I would be chased like an animal. I wrenched the door open and got into the car. I didn't understand that I was crying until I felt the tear drops soaking in my shirt. With both hands I wiped them away, leaving tracks of black and red back. I hadn't even felt that I had hurt myself when I had fallen to the ground.

I jumped onto the gas pedal, absconding from the nightmare that was haunting me ... a nightmare in which Stefan was kissing Katherine passionately...


	51. Jump then Fall (Stefan)

**Jump then Fall (Stefan) **

_This can't be true ... She can't be honest ... _

Inside of me my heart and my mind were fighting a relentless battle; and I was in the middle of it; not knowing who to trust - my mind which was telling me that this woman, this unbelievable woman in front of me who never told the truth, whose whole life consisted of lies, couldn't be trusted; or my heart; my incomprehensible heart which was fighting with the strongest weapon that existed ... love.

In the beginning it had been so ... normal. Katherine had indeed gotten on my nerves but the point was that I was used to this Katherine – to the manipulative little bitch, that implanted you nice sex dreams while you slept, that dropped one nasty comment after another, teased you until you were so far that you would love to strangle her to death immediately. I would even have loved to listen to her endless ridiculous assumptions concerning Elena and Damon. Because that was the Katherine I knew. That was the Katherine I could handle.

But not this ... sensitive, vulnerable ... woman. This woman who sounded so ... honest, so trustworthy, so ... hurt. This woman whose every instinct told her to kill me in her anger and fury but nevertheless kept her control. This woman who changed so drastically because I didn't believe her. This woman who revealed her lies, her mistakes, her regrets just to convince me; desperately, under any circumstances convince me to believe her - not that she regretted her lies, regretted that she had used one person after another without paying any attention if she might ruin his life, regretted all the people she had hurt; no; all she wanted was to convince me that she never lied about one single thing ... and that was when she told me that she loved me ...

I could react with anger, with fury, with threats to Katherine, the bitch ... but how did you react to Katherine, the human, the woman?

_Stefan, you can't. If you trust her, if you believe the things she said, you are condemned to ... yeah to what? Fall? Getting hurt ... again? Die? _

I didn't know anything, I didn't know what to think, what to believe. Her words, her sentences, her reveals … everything was swirling in mind ...

_"I would have died ... for you!" _

_"I wanted you to learn to love me the way I was ..." _

_"I would never have turned you forcefully, Stefan." _

_ "There is one thing I don't regret in the end ... I don't regret a single minute of the time we spend together."_

_"And then you came ... and suddenly I was able to feel again ..." _

_"I will wait, forever." _

_"Maybe I can change, maybe if I can proof you that I am worth trusting, worth loving ... One day I can be that girl for you again ... without lies." _

Had I been wrong? Had I been so completely wrong?

In this chaotic state of my mind and my heart she had played her last trump, the trump that left me on the very edge of the cliff; not sure if I should jump or make two steps backwards and ran; ran away as fast as possible without turning around one last time …

_"I love you, Stefan. We will be together again. I promise ..." _

The words I couldn't remember; the words my mind couldn't remember; but words, in the moment they were spoken out, my heart remembered ... with an intensity that gave me no possibility to doubt the truth of them, no possibility to deny what I was fighting against for so long, denying for so long ...

_"I have only one weak point, Stefan. And that is you ... Sooner or later you will be my death. I always knew that." _

_And so are you ..._ I whispered in my mind. _And so are you ... always were and always will be ... _I thought while I stared into her deep brown eyes; normally so full of disgrace and arrogance but now, now they looked at me, stared into my eyes with pure despair, pure fear, fear that I would reject her.

She was bending over me, looking in my eyes not as the evil vampire with a heart that was not capable to feel anything but as a human, as woman, who was looking into the eyes of a man, desperately begging him to love her.

I could kill her in this moment. Not with a stake, not a real one, but a symbolic one. I could be her death, right now, in this moment by telling her that I didn't believe her, that I hated her, that I never loved her. I could smash the stake into her heart; a heart I didn't believe would exist. But it did and it would break into a million pieces.

Nevertheless everything she did to me, all the pain, the suffering, the struggles, the fights I couldn't tell her that I hated her, that I didn't believe her ... and that I didn't love her ... because it would be the biggest lie I would ever have told in my entire life.

My expression suddenly changed. The astonishment diminished and was replaced by anger as I turned my head away, not able to look into these praying eyes any longer. I clenched my teeth, leaving my jaw tense, I clenched my fist as hard as I could, hoping that the anger would suppress the feelings that were rising inside me; extinguishing the fire that had started to burn in my entire body. But it was impossible.

My dead heart began to race, to beat faster than it had ever before as I faced what I couldn't deny any longer, couldn't burry any longer; so deep that I had already believed my own lie. I had loved this woman so many decades ago with all my heart ... and it was real; it always had been. She compelled me ... yes ... but she never compelled my love.

I swallowed. I was only one step away from the precipice. What would happen if I jumped? Would I be caught? Or would I fall ... deeper and deeper until I would hit the hard ground? I had jumped once; more than 145 years ago and I had hit the ground. Should I risk it ... again? And maybe this time ... end up dead ... forever?

I had already stumbled back, about to turn away from the precipice, turn around and leave to save myself when I felt something wet falling onto my cheek, burning through my skin ... a tear drop. My fingers touched the place where it had dropped on my skin and it wasn't a dream. It was there, leaving a wet track on my cheek.

You were so wrong, so completely and absolutely wrong, Stefan, my heart screamed so loud that it echoed in my head over and over. Yes, I was wrong. She had lied her entire life, cared only about herself, pretended to be a person she wasn't ... but I, I was the only one who got to know the real Katerina. I was the only one she ever cared about, I was the only one she gave up lying to ... to tell me she loved me.

I felt how she tried to get off of me. This was the end. She was at the edge, too; but for her it wasn't a decision if she should jump or not. It wasn't her decision ... it was mine. I could push her down the cliff, into the precipice, letting her hit the ground, leaving her broken. Or I could stretch out my hand, drag her away from the precipice and catch her, wrapping her in my arms.

Immediately I got up into a sitting position and before I realized it my hands had jolted up and taken her face into my hands. I looked into her eyes once more, seeing the tears shimmering inside them and the wet track on her skin from the tear who had dropped of her cheek and had fallen onto my skin.

And this time it was my heart which made the decision; it was my heart which made me turn around, run back to the precipice and jump from the edge as I lowered my lips to hers.

When my lips touched hers it was as if I had been thrown back and forth in time. With the fire raging in my entire body the memories started to rage in my mind, too. Pictures appeared in front of my eyes, words echoed in my ears and feelings raged in my body.

_"I have never met a woman quite like you ..." _

A beautiful woman gathering her long dress, running through the darkness and kneeling down ... in front of a dead body … the hand of that same body running through the brown curls of the beautiful woman as their kisses grew more and more passionately in the darkness of the tomb.

_"I touch your skin ... and my entire body ignites." _

A hand wrapped in a glove touching a skin soft as silk …. a hand that was striking over a cold pale face ... my face … the same hand touching my face now, leaving burning tracks wherever her skin touched mine ...

_"I look at you and I ... I see an angel." _

My eyes stared into hers as I interrupted the kiss for a short moment, just to check if this was real, if she was real, still seeing an angel, the same angel.

_"I kiss you and I know that I'm falling in love." _

Trembling lips touching the soft lips of the angel …

_"I love you, Stefan. We will be together again. I promise ... " _

The same soft lips touching cold lifeless lips ... and touching the same lips, my lips right now ...

"It wasn't a lie. It never has been, Stefan. I loved you and I still do", Katherine whispered as our lips separated.

I looked into her deep brown eyes and all I saw was honesty ... and love. My heart fired three words to my mind over and over again, forcing it to tell my mouth to say them out loud ... but I couldn't. My mind didn't let my heart win. As clear as my heart was seeing in this moment, as confused was my mind. What did I do here? Was it really the right thing? It felt so right; so absolutely right ... but ... so much had happened, so much was still unspoken, so many things she had done to me and ... Elena ...

"Elena!" I gasped out loud.

"That's everything you have to say? I tell you I love you and all you say is "Elena"? Can't you forget her for just a moment? What did she mean to you? Nothing! I had always been right! She wasn't more than a substitute for me!"

"Don't talk about her like this! She wasn't just a substitute! I did love her, I still do!"

"Oh you can say that you love her but these three damn words won't leave your lips for me?" She shouted angrily.

I started into her eyes, my face expression hardening. And there she was again, the old Katherine, the angry, furious Katherine; unpredictable when something didn't work out as planned ... planned ... did she?

"You planned all of this, right? You told me all this so I would give in ...!"

"You didn't give in! YOU kissed me and don't tell me you didn't like it! Otherwise you wouldn't have forgotten the whole world around you!"

"I didn't forget the whole world around me!"

"No? So you did recognize that Elena was standing in the entrance watching us kissing?"

"She was here?" I screamed horrified.

" ... and saw every single moment ... and she did see that you were the one who kissed me and not the other way round!"

"And you damn bitch didn't say a word ...", I stated bewildered.

"Oh sorry! Sorry, that I saw her out of the corner of my eye when I was about to give up and leave you alone! And sorry that I couldn't tell you a word because you pressed your lips on mine! And sorry that my mind went totally blank when your lips touched mine and I forget the whole world around me!"

"And you are sure it was her?" I asked suspicious.

"I was only able to shoot a glance at the entrance before you kissed me ... I saw someone standing there ..."

"It could have been everyone!"

"Everyone? Who the hell should visit this damn tomb in the middle of nowhere?"

"Damon?"

"Very funny ... and Damon gasps horrified when he sees us kissing or what?"

"So you didn't forget the whole world around you, liar!"

"Stefan, I never completely forget the world around me! I am used to live in fear and precaution for more than 500 years! My senses are trained to recognize the slightest sound, slightest movement!"

"But you still can't say for sure that it had been Elena!" I asked, beginning to get desperate.

"You want to believe so much that it wasn't your precious Elena, don't you? But I can tell you, nobody would come down her and leave without a word, blindly stumbling up the stairs while sobbing so heartbreakingly and nobody would be so clumsy than a human woman who just found that her boyfriend betrayed her with her Ex who looks accidently totally like her and miss the last step of the stairs, falling onto the ground and hurting herself."

"And you tell me you forgot the world around you ..."

"Well ... you can define "Forget the whole world around you" in many ways ... for me it might be something slightly different than to you for reasons I already mentioned earlier." She hissed.

"I can't believe it. I really can't believe it. How could I have been so stupid? You planned all of this, of course you did ..." I realized bitterly.

"Oh yes, Stefan. I planned all of this. I planned getting imprisoned in the tomb with you and then I magically convinced Elena to show up exactly in the moment I had finally reached my goal and you kissed me. Do you listen to yourself? This is ridiculous!"

"Is it?" I hissed angrily.

"Yes, it is", she replied angrily and convinced. "But well ... I must admit that this turn in events isn't that bad ... Now she definitely won't be a problem anymore. After what she just saw she won't have any doubt that you love me and that you belong to me", she added and the old mean flirtatious smile appeared back on her face.

"I have been such an idiot. I really believed you, you know. I believed every single story you told me. I believed that there is a different side of you, a side only I might get to see, a side which is worth trusting ... worth loving ... but I was wrong. I have never been so wrong in my entire life."

"No! Stefan, please, nothing was a lie, okay? Nothing! I wanted to tell you the truth, all the truth and that's what I did! I didn't lie for a single time! All I wanted was for you to believe me, I promise!"

"You promise? And I shall believe that? I shall ... trust you?"

"Yes, Stefan, yes, and you can trust me ... if you can believe something than you can believe that ..."

"You should listen to yourself. No, Katherine, you won't trick me into believing you again. I can't trust you ... but I can trust Elena. She is different. And that's why I love her and I don't love you."

"That's a lie, Stefan and you know that", she screamed, a mixture of anger and despair in her voice. "You love me, I know that!"

"Believe what you want Katherine, I am done with you."

"Stefan, listen to me! You can't trust Elena! She doesn't know what I know about you! She doesn't know all your sides, the good and the dark ones! She only knows the good Stefan, the hero, the fake – Stefan. The one you pretend to be! But I, I really know you! And with me you can be yourself, you don't have to pretend!"

I didn't reply anything, I was done with her – forever. This turn of events had shown me that my first instinct had been right - she couldn't be trusted, never. And she would never change, not even for me. I gave her one last dismissive glance then I turned around and walked away.

"You will see, she will hurt you, Stefan! And I don't want that!" Were the last words I heard before the darkness absorbed me.

I let myself drop to the ground, shutting out everything - her praying words, her desperate screams, slowly turning into furious insults, the crashing sound of things being ripped apart and in the end something that sounded like silent sobs to me. I didn't hear all of that because I was too overwhelmed by the pain I felt ... and one simple fact ... that I didn't feel pain because I had hurt, maybe even lost Elena ... no ... the pain I felt because I had trusted Katherine ... the pain I felt because I had hit the hard relentless ground ... because reality had set in again.


	52. Numb (Elena)

**Numb (Elena) **

The sudden jarring as my car left the road with one tire and rushed over the grass at the road shoulder let me recoil and suddenly rouse back from my thoughts. My eyes started to pay attention to the road again instead of staring blankly into the nothingness as I tried to get the car to a stop. My hands which clasped the steering wheel so tightly that they were already numb were still trembling hard, letting the steering wheel vibrate. I breathed out deeply then I let my head drop onto the leather.

Numb ... not only my hands felt numb but my entire body. My heart had been ripped out and all I could feel now was the dull echoing of a heart beat which no longer existed.

No ... this couldn't be true, this could only be a bad nightmare. In a few seconds I would wake up and find myself lying in my bed. Everything would be alright again. Everything would be alright again …

I closed my eyes and waited to be drawn back to reality and out of this hell. I waited minute over minute but nothing happened. A sad laughter left me lips. It would have been too good to be true ... but the shivering still running through my entire body was too exhausting; the tears which were still running silently down my cheeks, soaking my shirt too familiar and the pain tearing me apart too real, too unbearable to be only a prank of my imagination.

You were wrong, Damon. You were so wrong ...

_"Do you really think he loved her?"_

Damon's words echoed over and over again in my ears.

_"Stefan is not stupid. He knows how valuable you are."_

Oh Damon, why did you convince me that he only loved me? Why did you convince me that Katherine never meant anything to him, that she only compelled his love? It was a lie and you knew that. Stefan had lied; all the time. I didn't know if he had truly been aware of his love for Katherine or if he had just suppressed his real feelings for her; making himself and everyone else believe Katherine had compelled him, that he'd never had true and deep feelings for her.

The irony was … everyone had known it. Everyone had known the truth.

I had assumed it all the time, I had seen it, I had felt it … the way he had looked at her; the way he had changed whenever she had been around … anger, fury because she had brought back the feelings to the surface he had buried so deep and save in the furthermost corner of his heart. And now, now Katherine had finally reached her goal. He had given in; finally he had given in to his feelings. He had loved her and he still did ... and I, I sit here ... lost, alone, numb ... dumped. The substitute had been dumped ... because he finally had the woman back he really loved. Maybe Katherine had been right all the time; maybe I had really been not more than a cheap substitute; someone he fell in love with just because she looked exactly like the woman he really and truly loved ... I swallowed.

The images of the scene I just had to watch flickered in front of my eyes. I had seen such a scene so many times already, but every time I had been the woman in front of him. Unintentionally images of Stefan and me rushed by ... and the comparison was devastating. The way he had looked into her eyes while he had lowered his lips to hers; the unbelievable love in his eyes, pure and true; the way his lips had touched hers, brushing them, soft, electrifying; the way he had kissed her, lovingly, passionately; the way his hands had run through her hair, stroking it gently. His love for her had been visible, sensible in every motion ... a love which had started more than 145 years ago and lasted until now ...

The tears were constantly running down my cheeks now, dripping onto the steering wheel and my shirt.

_What shall I do now? Where shall I go? _

I hadn't paid any attention to where I had been driving, until now it had been an automatic process. I had seen the street, I had chosen a way but my mind had done all these actions automatically. It had been too busy with the thoughts that had been and were still swirling in mind; too busy holding the body functions up and not to let it collapse.

When I lifted my head from the steering wheel my view was blurred from tears. I wiped them away until I could see clearly again and gasped. I recognized immediately where I was. Unintentionally I had chosen the way to the Salvatore Mansion ... to Damon. No, I hadn't chosen the way, my mind hadn't chosen the way but the part of me I thought would be completely dead by now had decided for me; had decided what was the only thing that could save it, save me, right now ... Damon.

The last time, since I had left the tomb I hadn't felt it any more, my heart beat. But now, thinking of him, of Damon, let it revive. It was still so silent, so weak that one could believe it wouldn't be there at all but it was there and I could feel it. I could feel the pain, the aching when the beat let my heart expand; the numb, lifeless feeling was gone.

I knew where I had to go now, where I could go now and my heart had known it from the very beginning, leading me on the right way. I didn't know why; maybe because of our ... special connection? The connection I had felt already since the very beginning, since the very first time when I had turned around and he had stood in front of me.

The connection which had been so obvious, so clear in some moments ... like when we had sat in the rain after I'd had the accident, when we had danced at the Miss Mystic Falls Ball or when we had talked on the bench at the lake at the masquerade ball or when he had looked into my eyes so many times.

And of course there had been moments when this connection had been nearly invisible, nearly been destroyed ... like when he had killed my brother, like when he had shut me out after the masquerade ball.

Nevertheless everything he had done, nevertheless everything I had done, our connection had always been there. The bond that bound us, had even grown stronger, had become more unbreakable in these bad moments.

The problem was, did I even have the right to go to him? I swallowed. I had always been able to come to him when I'd had a problem, he had always been there, listening to me – no matter what ... even if I had talked about Stefan, even if I had been crying because of Stefan, even if I had needed someone to tell me that Stefan only loved me. He had always offered me his shoulder ... although I knew that there was more than just ... friendship between us ... from ... his side; although I knew his heart so well.

So did I have a right to go to him now? After all I'd done to him ... in the past and the last days? I had never paid any attention to his feelings, I had always been thinking only about myself ... arrogantly, selfishly. Yesterday I'd had nothing better to do than fighting with him, blaming him for letting Stefan get imprisoned in the tomb with Katherine. And today; today I had accused him not to spend a single thought of Stefan, only to want to have fun with Rose. I had accused him that he preferred to have fun with a woman he might ... care about, instead of helping me getting the man back I loved.

Who the hell could blame him – if it would really have been like this? And it hadn't even been! He hadn't had fun with Rose. Instead, he had spend the entire morning trying to find a way to get Stefan back. He had tried to help me, the woman he probably cared about the most, so I could be together again with Stefan and that after all I had done to him yesterday ... not paying any attention to his own feelings.

I was so stupid, so stubborn, so selfish and so unbelievable idiotic. No, I had no right to go to him and use him as my comforter. Not after everything I had done to him the last days, not after everything I had done to him whenever I had cried about Stefan.

But who else should I talk to? To whom else should I go? Bonnie? Bonnie who had still a very strained relationship to vampires? What could I expect when I tell her that Stefan cheated on me with Katherine? Of course she would be there for me, as she always had been but she wouldn't be able to hide the expression which would say "I told you".

And Caroline? She was indeed a wonderful friend but she had so many problems on her own right now. And coming to her with boyfriend problems after her break-up with Matt ...

And actually these were all excuses. If I would want to go to them, they would be there for me, no matter what. The problem was, nobody of them, although I knew them my whole life, knew me as good as Damon did. He knew me like nobody else.

I deeply breathed in and out. I would go to him. But not to use him, no I wouldn't use him as my comforter. I would go to him to apologize for my behavior yesterday and in the morning. I wouldn't cry, nor show him any sign that something had happened, that something was wrong. I would just go to him and maybe ... maybe even the very sight of him would help me to calm down ... his voice ... the look in his eyes ...

My hand turned the key in the ignition around and the engine started again. I wiped the last wet tracks on my cheeks away and jumped on the gas pedal.

* * *

When I arrived at the Salvatore Mansion and walked towards the door my heart was beating so fast that I thought I would get a heart attack every moment.

_What when I find him together with Rose? What if he doesn't want to listen to me? What if ...? _

I had my hand already on the door handle but I hesitated to press it down. I breathed in and out deeply one last time, then I entered the house. It was completely dark in the entrance hall and I could only make out a glimpse of light from upstairs. Probably from Damon's bedroom.

"Damon?" I asked, in a voice that was barely more than a whisper, but I didn't get an answer. "Damon?" I tried it once more, this time louder but still there was no sound audible from upstairs.

Slowly I leaned against the wall of the entrance hall. He didn't want to see me. I was completely alone now. I finally managed to lose the person I never, under any circumstances, wanted to lose without even knowing it, realizing it ...

Tears had already started to build up in my eyes when suddenly the light in the entrance hall went on and I heard footsteps on the stairs coming down.

"Elena?" Damon asked surprised. "What are you ... what happened?"

His voice and face expression which had been slightly angry and irritated suddenly became worried. Only in this moment I realized how pathetic I had to look like. My jeans were covered with dirt, my hands with dried tracks of blood and my face over and over with black and red tracks ... from when I stumbled out of the tomb ... after I saw ... Stefan ... kissing ... Katherine ...

I couldn't suppress that the images flashed in front of my eyes again, crashing down on me, destroying every promise I had made to myself. Forgotten was that I had planned only to apologize for my behavior, to stay calm and show no sign that something was wrong, forgotten was that I didn't want to give him the feeling that I just used him as my comforter. When the images of Katherine and Stefan came crashing down on me and I saw him standing there on the staircase I couldn't bear it any longer. I couldn't hold back the tears that had already started to build up in my eyes any longer and all the self restraint, I had brought up to come here, collapsed.

"Katherine ... Stefan ...", I sobbed helplessly, not able to create a complete sentence.

I looked to the ground, not daring to look Damon in the face. But Damon didn't say a word. When the silence became unbearable I slowly lifted my head to face him again – and I had to suppress a gasp. The glimpse of worry I had seen in his eyes and heard in his voice was completely gone. Instead his face had turned to stone, his expression had become fathomless and his voice was ice cold when he went on.

"What are you doing here, Elena?"

"I ... I thought that ...", I stammered.

"What Elena? What? You thought that I can help you? I am sorry, I can't!" He said in a voice that send cold shivers down my spine.

Then he turned around and was about to go upstairs again.

"Damon ...", I whispered, my voice tearful.

"What the hell do you want me to do now?" He screamed as he swirled around again.

"Maybe take me into your arms?" I screamed back as the tears ran down my cheeks relentlessly.

I couldn't stand this any longer. If I had to look into his face only one second longer, into these ice blue eyes that showed no sympathy, no pity, nothing ... I would die. Immediately I turned around, wrenched the door open and stumbled into the cold darkness.


	53. Love's to blame (Damon)

**Love's to blame (Damon)**

* * *

**Love's to blame - For Kind and Country **

___That last memory,__  
She had water in her eyes  
She cried stay with me  
And asked how can this be love if you're leaving me?  
But darling, love's to blame_

I still think of you  
I pray that you are safe  
I'm still missing you  
But it has to be this way cause I'm not right for you  
And that's why love's to blame

Maybe time will heal our hearts  
Maybe after time you'll understand  
I said goodbye but I love you.  


* * *

I didn't know how long I had stood there on the stairs and stared at the door which had closed behind Elena. When I finally managed to move again I went to the door and opened it. The driveway was empty. Of course, it was. For a long moment I started into the darkness; then shut the door behind me again. I leaned with my back against it, my mind swirling with thoughts and mixed emotions.

Had this just really happened? Had I really done that? I had sworn it to myself ... to act like this ... ice cold when I would be in such a situation but I never believed she would come back. I never believed I would be able to stick to my promise.

When I had come down the stairs, I had been fully concentrated on my promise – don't show any emotion, don't give in, blow her off. I'd had to do it. I'd had to behave like this; to protect myself, to save myself. And after all she had done yesterday ... all the accusations, blaming me for something I hadn't done, something I couldn't have been able to prevent because I had been busy protecting her.

And nevertheless her anger, her fury and nevertheless everything she had said, I had started to run through our bibliotheca, through thousands of books to find a hint about how to lift such a spell. I had called Bonnie; I had asked her for help. I had asked Bonnie for help because she was our only hope. And although I had hated to ask her because she loved to torture me and I totally preferred to tease her with her semi-competency, I had been as nicely as I could have been. I had literally kneeled on the ground and begged her to help me, the badass. In the end she hadn't been able to help me, at least not immediately. She had said she would try to find out more, search through her grimoire for a different spell, one she could use without collapsing.

I had done all this and then Rose had come into the living room and she had seen my serious strained face and decided that I had needed a break. We had joked around, teased each other, she had tried to rip the documents out of my hands and it had all ended with my flight and the collision with Elena in the entrance hall. And before I had even been able to explain myself she had freaked out again, blaming me for not being serious about all this, just wanting to have fun and not caring about anything but myself. Of course Elena.

I hadn't wanted to show her that clearly how furious her reaction had made me, I hadn't wanted to give her that much power over me but I hadn't been able to hold myself back. She'd had to know what I had really been doing all the damn morning long and that after her scene she could go to hell.

And that's what I had done. I had stopped looking for a way to free Stefan and enjoyed the day with Rose or at least I had tried ... because Rose had recognized pretty soon that although I had cursed Elena and send her to hell, my every single thought had been with her. It had been driving me insane and I had promised myself if she would show up the next time, I wouldn't let myself influence by her ... no matter what. I would stay rational, fathomless, showing her that I didn't need her, that I didn't care.

With these plans I had walked down the stairs when I had heard her voice calling my name. But then she had stood there ... helpless, lost, her clothes covered with dirt, her hands bleeding, red and black tracks from dirt and blood covering her face.

In the very first moment, I had wanted to forget about all my promises. I couldn't have staid rational, I couldn't have pretended that I didn't see her condition, that everything was fine and I didn't care because seeing her standing there like this ... so helpless and lost, had directly hit me to the core ... into my heart. This damn heart!

I had been about to go to her, to send my own feelings to hell because I hadn't been able to endure to see her like this and then two words she had said changed everything ... and had made me remember why I had made this promise to myself.

_"Katherine ... Stefan …" _

I didn't know for sure what she had meant. I had an assumption but actually it was too irrational even to think that Stefan might have finally given in to his feelings and actually that was not the point and I didn't care. The point was that by saying his name, my heart, my whole inside had frozen.

Again, she had come to me ... because she had needed a shoulder to cry on ... because of ... Stefan. That's why she needed me ... as always, as her comforter and nothing more.

I clenched my fists and slammed them against the door behind me.

Hearing his name had let my heart and my mind stop working and hadn't made it difficult for me to stick to my promise. My expression had immediately changed to bitterness, coldness and in my voice had been not the slightest hint of pity and sympathy; just pure bitterness.

I had screamed at her, harshly, while I had seen how the tears had run down her face. But I hadn't cared. All I had wanted had been for her to leave ... and she had. Only when the door had fallen close behind her my mind and my heart had started working again.

One couldn't believe what I had just done and the other one painfully beat against my chest wanting to show me what a fool I just had been. But I couldn't let it win! I didn't want to let it win, not this time, not again.

_You damn heart; you listen to me right now. Don't you want to understand it? Do you want to be hurt, to be broken into pieces again and again? _

She would never choose me, never ... and she had made that clear so many times. I brought back pieces of memories in front of my eyes, I would have loved to keep buried as deep inside as possible but I had to do it. My heart needed to understand what my mind already had ... and if I had to torture myself for that, then let it be like this.

I let my heart remember how we had stood on the market place, Stefan and I, watching how Isobel had shown Elena that there was nothing human left in her ... and telling her what not even I had wanted to face in this moment ...

_"Why did you take the risk with Damon? How did you know that he was going to give it to me?"_

_"Because he's in love with you ..." _

And when Isobel had disappeared and left Elena devastated, Stefan had immediately run to her, taken her into his protective arms. I hadn't moved, just stood there at the edge and looked at them, my heart heavy. Elena had lifted her head to glance at me and I hadn't even been able to hold her glance.

The next scene had happened way later; when she had hated me for killing Jeremy. We had been outside, I had leaned against the car and Elena had thrown her bag into it to drive with Ric and me to Duke University to look through Isobel's documents. When she had turned around she had taken Stefan's face in her hands and kissed him passionately in front of my eyes. I knew that she had been angry with me and I had said one or two teasing comments but I guess she never understood how much she had hurt me with this action. It was already too much too see them happily together all the time at the mansion, sometimes even kissing when I interrupted them accidentally.

And the scene who had probably hurt me the most ... her bedroom, I had been completely drunk, she had been coming in from her bathroom, recoiled when she had seen me sitting on her bed, she had thanked me for looking out for her, but I hadn't even listened. All I had been doing had been fighting with myself if I should really take this risk and tell her what I had to tell her. In the end I had been too devastated from my encounter with Katherine before and too drunk to recognize that it had been the falsest moment I could have found. Nevertheless I had stood up and walked towards her ...

_"You are surprised that I thought you would kiss me back, you can't imagine that I believed you would want to? That what we've been doing here ... means something ... you are the liar, Elena. There is something going on between the two of us and you know it. And you are lying to me and you are lying to Stefan and most of all you are lying to yourself ..." _

And then I had kissed her and she had said these words that had changed everything ...

_"Damon, I care about you, listen to me, I care about you. I do. But .. I love Stefan. It will always gonna be Stefan ..." _

A few little words that had destroyed every single hope that had rose in me; words that had made me lose my control and do something she had hated me for, for a long time.

I wanted to fire more of these scenes at my heart but I didn't expect that it would fire back. And to the bad moments I had chosen, the moments in which Elena had always decided for Stefan, it added the good moments, moments in which Elena and I'd had fun, had been close like never before, moments in which she had indeed chosen me. It was a huge amount of scenes that were fired at me, barely scenes, more images and words …

I saw rain and darkness, a car and Elena leaned against it, her face buried in her hands. I still remembered how I had walked towards her, touched her cold, wet skin and taken her into my arms to dispel the coldness, the loneliness and the darkness …

Then I saw her in a beautiful blue dress walking down the stairs ... towards me, looking me in the eyes ... and suddenly she was wearing a white dress ... but still ... she was walking towards me and looking me in the eyes; with this expression, this special expression as if she would look into my soul, my heart …

Then we were dancing, turning around to the music … her blue dress ... her white dress ... swirling around. Two dances I would never forget in my entire life and when they had ended and we had looked into each other's eyes there had been this electricity … and her heart beat ... against mine ... responding to each other ...

The next scene showed me a lake and a bench ... and brought back the memories of a conversation during which I had felt so close to her like never before ...

The scene drastically changed. I was lying on the ground, Katherine above me, a stake in her hand lifted above her heart pointing to my heart ... and I heard words ... so clearly as if they would be spoken out loud right beside me ...

_"You are so unbelievable stupid! Why do you do all of this? Why do you risk your life for her? You don't want to tell me … No! Oh no! Damon you don't want to tell me that you fell for her! Really? You risk your life because you love her? Don't you see? She will never love you! You will die for a woman who will never ever love you! She will never miss you either because she only wants your brother! As always!"_

_"Really? So you don't mind dying for him?" _

_"No … I … don't … mind."_ I heard Elena's voice echoing in my head. _"I will never ever let you kill him! Because he is one of the most important persons in the world for me. He means everything to me!" _

It had become nearly unbearable for me to watch these scenes flicker in front of my eyes but nevertheless my heart still kept firing these scenes to my mind.

In the next one I saw her standing on a stair head and she was looking down, smiling, tears shimmering in her eyes and then she ran down the stairs … directly into my arms which enfolded around her body, pressing it against mine as close as possible …

The last scene was a scene I would never ever forget in my entire life. Again, we were standing in her bedroom, I had her necklace in my hand … and I had made a decision … that she deserved the best and that this was not me … but that I needed to say it … and she just needed to hear it … once. And I was standing there in her bedroom in front of her and I was telling her that I loved her … and then she had taken my face in her hands, lowered it down towards hers … and kissed me. But it was wrong, wrong … wrong …

_"I will never let you go! You don't understand it! You are wrong! So wrong! I do deserve you! You are the best thing that could ever happen in my life! I want to be there for you, to make you not feel alone … I want you! I lo …" … _

And before she could end her sentence, before she could speak these three words out loud I let her forget … everything …

Slowly I slid down the door until I sat on the ground, leaning my head against the cold wood. I just couldn't hold myself upright any longer. The memories were too overwhelming, too intense. They let my dead heart beat unbelievable fast; they let my lungs gasping for air; they let my hands tremble and the shivers enfold in my entire body; they let tears build up in my eyes …

I slammed my clenched fist onto the marble ground and felt a sharp pain in my wrist and blood dripping down.

_And what do you want me to do now? What the hell do you want me to do now, you damn heart? Tell me! Because I don't know! _

I let my head drop down and buried my face in my hands.


	54. Falling Down (Elena)

**Falling Down (Elena)**

* * *

**Falling Down - Reamonn**

___Two times today I messed up and let you down_  
_Don't wanna let you down  
Thought I heard you say I nearly lost your love cause I let you down  
Don't wanna let you down  
Cause I fall down when you're not around_

I fell down two times today  
Yeah I fall down when you're not around  
I'm falling down, can't you see me falling down  
Take a look at me I'm falling down please don't let me fall.  


* * *

I had no idea how I had managed to get into the car and drive the way back home. I hadn't seen anything because the tears had blurred my view, I hadn't paid attention to anything because the only thought that had swirled in my mind round and round, again and again had been "Why?" and I hadn't felt anything because the numb, lifeless feelings had returned ... with an intensity that it had buried me, crashed me, leaving me devastated.

When I got out of the car I ran up the stairs to the door, jammed the key in the door to unlock it and shut it close behind me. Then I just stood there with my back against the wall. Silently, not breathing, my fists clenched, my jaw tense.

I had lost all my hold now. I had lost the two connections that had been most important to me ... the connections to Stefan and Damon ...

And that was when I couldn't hold myself up any longer. My breathing accelerated until I nearly hyperventilated, my clenched fists weren't able to hold back the trembling that had started in my hands and enfolded in my entire body now and my clenched teeth weren't able to hold back the tears and sobs any longer.

Slowly I slid down the door until I sat on the ground, then I buried my face in my hands.

It hurt ... it hurt so much that it took my breath away, that it let my heart ache like never before. Stefan's betrayal and Damon's reaction had hurt me; more than anything else ever could have.

When I had seen Stefan kissing Katherine it had hit me to the core, my heart had stopped beating, had died. The person I loved, the person I trusted nevertheless everything he had done, nevertheless everything he was, had betrayed me in a way I never could have imagined.

Yes, of course I had recognized the way Stefan had behaved when Katherine had been around, they had been like petrol and fire and it had been only a matter of time until they would have exploded ... until his true feelings would have reached the surface.

All this "I hate her", all this "She compelled my love, it wasn't real", all of this had been a lie. The biggest lie you ever wanted to make me believe Stefan. He loved her ... all the time ... every moment ... But why couldn't he have been honest? Why couldn't he say "Elena, I love Katherine, I always did." Why did he make me believe that he loved me and only me? Why did he have to hurt me so much? So unbelievable much?

When I had seen them together, when the stake had been smashed into my heart, I had felt how the bond between us had broken. I had lost the person I loved, the person who meant the world to me, the person I would have given up everything for ... just to be together with him. I had lost my strongest hold ...

But was that really true? Had he, had Stefan been my strongest hold? He had been there when I had needed him, always. He had been at my side when my parents had died, he had been there to save me out of the car, to save my life. And afterwards ... he had become my guardian angel; first invisible and then officially. He had been at my side whenever I had needed someone to hold onto, to make me laugh again, to dispel the dark thoughts ... and now ... now I had to find out that everything had been a lie?

And could I blame him actually? Was I anything better? Yes, he had been at my side from the very beginning ... but hadn't there been someone else since a long while who had always been at my side, who had helped me through all my problems; especially the problems with Stefan - when he had started to drink human blood again, when Katherine had come back into town and forced us to break up, when she had tortured me ... nearly to death?

Hadn't there been someone who had been at my side without exception? In my darkest hours? Someone I cared as deeply about as I did about Stefan? Someone who had managed to make me laugh in the most unbelievable situations? Situations where you had thought that you would never laugh again? Someone who had understood you without words? Someone who had just taken you into his arms and you had forgotten all the bad around you? Someone where you had been able to let go and just enjoy your life? Someone where you had just been able to be yourself? Someone who ... loved you ... no matter what, no matter if you had said you would hate him, no matter if you had beat him, no matter if you had chosen his brother, no matter if you had come to him, all the time, with your problems, problems circling around his brother. Someone who had nevertheless listened to you, helped you, fixed your relationship with him ... although ... although ... he cared so much about you ...

How stupid, Elena, how stupid have you been? He had finally found someone else, someone he might care about and someone who cared about him, a person who didn't fight with him all the time, who didn't blame him for everything, who made him laugh, not furious, who didn't come to him all the time because she needed a shoulder to cry on ... telling him how much she loved his brother knowing that every word about him was a stitch into his heart.

When I had stood there and he had come down the stairs ... the worry in his eyes when he had seen my condition ... And two little words from me had destroyed everything. Two names, the names of the persons who had hurt him the most - the one who had always used him and the other one who possessed what he was longing for the most.

And then I had come, first to blame him for not helping me trying to find a way to get him back, his brother, and then I had come back and showed him that I only needed him as a shoulder to cry on ... that I only needed him whenever I felt bad ... nothing more; that I used him ... just like ... Katherine had done.

When I had said these two names I had cut our bond with my own hands ... because of my stupidity, because of my temper, because of my blindness ... this bond that had become so important to me, so essential.

When I had looked up again and I had seen his face expression, this coldness which had buried the pain underneath, my heart had died completely. His look had let my heart froze, had turned it to ice and his voice, his ice cold voice, his words had shattered it into a million pieces.

I had nobody left now, I had nowhere to run, nobody who would be there for me, nobody who would understand me.

Bonnie ... she would never understand me, never understand why I loved a vampire, never understand why I could trust one, never understand that I would cry because of a vampire who had hurt me so many times and nevertheless I couldn't hate him.

Caroline ... she would understand me, yes, definitely ... but we would sit there, she would want to help me in her way, her sweet but totally wrong way, she would want to talk about something I couldn't talk about.

What I needed was someone who wouldn't say a word, who would just take me into his arms and hold me close ... to revive this lifeless numb cold body ... just like in that night in the rain ... when a person had shattered the darkness which had imprisoned me and arms had taken me into an embrace where I had been able to forget everything ... all the pain, the tears, the despair, the loneliness ... but this was impossible ...


	55. It's on you (Damon)

**It's on you (Damon) **

I didn't know how long I had sat there silently on the ground but suddenly a hand touched my knee. I lifted my head abruptly and found myself staring into Rose's eyes, looking at me in a mixture of worry and sympathy.

"What happened?" She whispered and the worry and sympathy were audible in her voice, too.

"Nothing", I replied and turned my face away.

"This doesn't look like nothing … Elena had been here right? I heard you two fighting … again. And then I heard how the door was shut closed … and how you slammed your fists into it … and as I see the ground wasn't save from your fury, too", she went on and took my hand in hers.

It wasn't bleeding anymore but the tracks of dried blood on my skin as well as on the marble were clearly visible. She got up again and was back within seconds with a wet towel in her hand. Then she took my hand in hers again and wiped the blood away.

"So you still don't want to talk?" She asked and I could see the sad smile on her face as I lifted my head to face her again. "It's okay … that you don't want to talk about it … especially not with someone you only know for some days but … I can't stand you two fighting and seeing you so sad. Don't hurt yourself anymore, okay?" She said and was about to get up and turn around.

"She came here because of Stefan … like always", I said.

Slowly she turned around again and got back into her kneeling position in front of me.

"Because of Stefan? Why?"

"I don't know … she didn't say much … she just murmured something of Katherine and my brother … and actually I didn't care … only the name of him was enough for me to stick to my promise."

"She sounded pretty desperate …"

"She was and she looked pathetic with all the dirt and blood … and I did care, Rose, I was about to forget about all my promises and go to her and … but then she said his name and that changed everything …"

"You blew her off instead of helping her …"

"Yeah …"

"Why? Why is your brother's name such a red rag for you? It's not because they are a couple … you helped him to rescue her when I kidnapped her and you immediately drove to Richmond when I called you … why is it suddenly such a problem?"

"It's not only his name … it's … everything!" My voice had become a mixture of anger and despair.

I didn't know if I should go on; if I could go on. I didn't know Rose for very long but nevertheless … she always knew what I thought, always knew the right things to say, how to help me. And in this moment she totally understood. She didn't say a word, didn't force me to go on. She let me decide.

"The last days we fought all the time, she only talked about finding a way to get Stefan back and at the same time blaming me for letting him get imprisoned because I let it happen although I had been in Richmond because of her stupidity to save her! And this is not the first time! It is always like this! Stefan is always her big hero, never doing something wrong and I am blamed, hated, judged for everything! I just can't stand it any longer! And today in the morning it was simply enough!"

"You mean that she blamed you for not helping her?"

"Exactly."

Rose didn't answer immediately but a grin appeared on her face.

"Why the hell are you laughing now? I knew it was a mistake to start telling …"

But I couldn't go on because she laid a finger on my lips.

"You didn't get it, did you?"

"What? What the fuck did I not get?"

"She told you she came to apologize and I believe her. And she actually didn't want to blame you for not helping her. But when she saw me …"

"When she saw you? Why should she become a fury just because you appear?"

But Rose only started to laugh which made me even angrier in return.

"You tell me now what's so funny about it or I throw you out immediately." I yelled.

"Relax, Damon. You know yourself that I am stronger than you. You wouldn't be able to get me out of here."

I didn't reply, just looked away grumpy.

"You are really blind. Or it is just too odd for you that you even consider it. I tell you something now. Do you remember when you left the mansion yesterday and me in your bed without a word? While you were gone Elena came to me to ask me to bring her to Slater but when she entered the mansion I didn't know it was her. I thought it was you so I came down the stairs in nothing more than the rope and with a … comment which might have revealed a bit too much about last night …" Rose said, trying to suppress a grin.

"And?"

"And she pierced me with such an angry look! If a look would be able to kill a vampire I would have dropped dead to the ground immediately."

"And?" I asked again, still clueless.

"And? You men are really unbelievable. No matter if human or vampire. She was jealous!"

"Very funny", I said drily.

"No, believe me, she seriously was more than jealous. And out of the same reason she freaked out today and suddenly didn't apologize but start another fight."

"Why should she be jealous?"

"Because she cares about you … a lot."

"That's nonsense, Rose. She loves Stefan, only Stefan, and she made that clear many times."

"Are you sure?"

Immediately the images of the night I had told her that I loved her and made her forget again came to my mind … and her words … these three words I had never let her speak out loud.

"What are you thinking about?" Rose asked and drew me back to reality.

"That you might be right …"

"See? Maybe you should just talk with her …"

"I did …" I swallowed.

Rose didn't answer, just looked at me in astonishment.

"The night … when we rescued her … after you kidnapped her … I … I went to her … to … to tell her …" I fell silent.

"To tell her that you love her?"

"Yeah", I answered hoarsely.

"How did she react?"

"She … she …" I laughed drily. "She wanted to say that she loves me, too …"

"She wanted?"

"I didn't let her. And I let her forget everything … the whole conversation. She never knew that I was there."

"But why?"

"Why? Why?" My voice became a scream. "Because I am not right for her! Because I don't deserve her!"

"And why do you think so? Because for me that is nonsense …"

"You don't know me Rose. You don't know what I did in the past … and what I did to her."

"Maybe I don't know but I know what you did for her the last days and I know what for a person you are now."

"Yeah, I am a monster who only disappoints her again and again!"

"I don't think that …"

"No? What would you say if you would be human and I would lose my temper and bare my fangs right in front of you ready to kill you?"

"You didn't do that."

"Oh yes, I did. Yesterday."

"I don't know the whole story about what it going on between the two of you but I can tell you one thing. No matter why you did that, you would never have hurt her."

"Of course, I wouldn't! You know that and I do but …"

"And she does, too."

"Why are you so sure about that?"

"Because she knows you … and I guess she knows you even better than I do."

I didn't reply to that because I didn't know what to say … because Elena had said exactly these words … in this night … on the bench …

"See? You might have disappointed her in the past but right now … Damon, you rescue her, you risk your life for her, you are there for her, you help her get her boyfriend back, who is your brother although you love her so much! What more shall you do? What more can you do to be worth of her?"

"I don't know … I … Nevertheless … I always know how to ruin it … otherwise I wouldn't be in this situation …"

"Oh for that you always need two."

"Yeah well … but … I am not Stefan. I'm not the good guy, the hero. I'm not perfect."

"Yes, and that's good. Why do you want to be like him when being just the way you are is totally enough?"

"Because it is not enough for her."

"It is, trust me, and why do you think you need to be perfect? Being imperfect is so much more human …", he said, smiling at me.

"But …"

"No but!"

I fell silent again, smiling myself by now.

"What will you do now?" She asked after a while of silence between us.

"I don't know … I … Rose, nevertheless everything you said she still loves Stefan and she will chose him, always. I can't stand this anymore … not … being the one."

"That's why you avoided her today?"

"I didn't …"

"C'mon, Damon, I know when you are lying. You showed me so obviously today that you wanted to be everywhere but around her and that you didn't want to think of her, not even for a second. And that you completely failed."

I didn't answer immediately and a long time passed until I finally went on.

"I simply can't see her … I can't be near her right now … Because I can't take it any longer, I can't fake it any longer", I whispered with a tone of despair in my voice.

"So you prefer to stay away from her … and leave her alone with her problems", Rose confronted me.

"After all I have a right not to help her! And apart from that … she still has Bonnie or Caroline!"

"And she knows that, too … and nevertheless … although you'd had these fights the last days, although everything that had happened in the morning, she came to you again …"

"That means nothing."

"That means everything."

"No."

"Yes, that means that she trusts you, that she is – nevertheless your stupid fang-action – not afraid of you, that you are important to her and that she doesn't want to lose you."

Another memory came to my mind after Rose said these words … the night of the masquerade ball and Katherine and her stake … and she stepping before me, letting herself nearly strangle to death to save my life … _"He means everything to me"_ …

"You can give her up right now … or you can go to her and be there for her, as Damon and not a Stefan-copy, because that is not what she wants", Rose went on. "What weights more for you? The bad moments you two had, when you disappointed, hurt her? Or the good moments, when you rescued her, risked your life for her, when you had just been at her side to listen to her, to be there for her? Now it's on you, Damon …"


	56. Fix You (DamonElena)

**Fix You (Damon/Elena)**

* * *

_**Fix You - Coldplay**_

And the tears come streaming down your face

___When you lose something you can't replace  
When you love someone but it goes to waste  
Could it be worse?_

And high up above or down below  
When you're too in love to let it go  
But if you never try you'll never know  
Just what you're worth

Tears stream down your face  
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you.

* * *

**Damon  
**"It's your decision ... only yours."

My mind was swirling, repeating Rose' words over and over again ... bad moments ... disappointment ... good moments ... be there for her ... it's on you ...

With a speed too fast for my eyes to see, pictures appeared; words too fast for my ears to understand; thoughts too fast to catch ... and an inner fight that was tearing me apart; the fight of my heart against my mind; love against self protection.

Then suddenly the storm calmed down abruptly, the pictures, the voices and the words slowed down immediately and all I saw in front of my eyes now was Elena's face ... smiling ... and the sound of her laughter ... and she was laughing because of me; because I had made a joke. It had been at the masquerade ball.

But the picture slowly disappeared and was replaced by one that made me stop breathing. She wasn't laughing anymore ... but crying. Tears were running down her cheeks, cheeks that were black and red; covered with dirt and blood and instead of her laughter I had to stand the heartbreaking sound of her sobs ... and she was crying because of me, because I had turned my back on her, left her alone ... and this had been not even an hour ago.

I must have been blind, stupid, insane to let her go like this! How the hell could I do that? Yes, I had promised myself to stay ice cold and rational and somehow I had managed to find my fake switch back and turned my emotions off by the very sound of my brother's name.

But when she had shut the door behind her, it had turned my switch back on and with that my emotions ... the sympathy ... the understanding ... the regret. And probably she had even destroyed it completely by now so I would never have the chance to turn it off again and act so unbelievable stupid.

Buried by all these emotions I had smashed my fist into the door, into the marble floor, I had screamed in hatred for myself, despair because I didn't know what was right or wrong and pain because I had to see her like that.

I had acted like this to save myself. It had been self protection ... egoistic self protection. But now, now I saw clearly again. Now I saw beyond all the blaming, the fury, the anger and her decision that it would always be Stefan. Now I saw what was really killing me ... and that was not being blamed by her, being screamed at, being always her second choice. Now I saw that what was really killing me, was seeing her crying, seeing her being so lost and alone. That let my heart shatter into a million pieces.

Now I saw what I hadn't seen before; hadn't wanted to see before; that although she loved Stefan I was important for her; that after all that had happened between us the last days she had come to me. She had wanted me to take her into her arms, she had wanted me to be there for her. She had chosen me over everyone else no matter the circumstances. And if that's what I would always be, the friend who was always there for her, then let it be like this!

It had been a lie when I had said to Rose that I couldn't stand it any longer. I could, I could stand it, I could endure it and if necessary, if it helped, I could even fake to not love her as much as I did ... for her; because I could do everything but I couldn't stand away from her. I couldn't leave her alone like this; without my heart punishing me every single minute, every single second.

It had always been like this and would always be like this ... that Elena was more important to me than everything and everyone else. She was even more important than my own feelings.

But ... what if she didn't want me to be near her anymore? What if she didn't want me to be there for her after this disaster? Would she still want me to take her into my arms; to be there for her; after this stupid heartless action of me? What if ...

No, oh no! There was no "What if"! I had used these idiotic two words too often these last days and where had it ended? What if! What if! What if! I was living here and now ... and here and now Elena needed me ... and here and now ...

"I have been stupid!" I whispered horrified as I lifted my head to face Rose again. "Of course the good moments weight more than the bad ones ... always!"

I jumped up from the ground.

"I've been so stupid", I repeated as I ran with my hands through my hair and walked down the corridor.

"So what will you do now?" Rose asked.

I stopped in my movement immediately and turned around.

"Go to her ... as fast as possible ... and take her into my arms", I replied convinced as never before.

"Then why are you still here? Go!" She said smiling.

A smile appeared on my face. I approached her with fast steps again, took her face into my hands and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

Then I wrenched the door open and rushed out into the night. Within seconds I had transformed into a crow and my black wings merged with the darkness as they carried me higher and higher above ... and nearer to my destination.

* * *

**Elena**

Slowly I got up from the ground and with my last strength stumbled up the stairs to my bedroom. I let myself drop onto my bed.

I had no idea how much time had passed when I finally managed to get up again, I had lost all feeling for time. I had just been lying on my bed, starring to the ceiling and thinking of nothing. The storm in my head had calmed down and what had remained was an emptiness that had spread in my entire body.

I took my diary and let myself drop onto my window board. I was still freezing and although I wrapped myself in a thick blanket, the trembling went on and on. I took the pen in my hand and wanted to write but I let it drop immediately again because of the pain that was running through my hand.

Right ... the wounds from when I had stumbled up the stairs and fallen to the ground. Through the pressure of the pen they had started to bleed again but I didn't care. This little bit of pain reminded me at least that I was still alive.

I started to write down words; words without any connection, pointless nonsense, chaotic thoughts, as the tears dripped off my face and onto the pages, letting the words blur ... but I didn't care.

Suddenly a knocking sound at the window let me recoil and drop the diary to the ground. I turned my head to the window and found myself looking into the eye of a bird, a crow, with feathers as black as the darkness outside; so dark that it nearly merged with the fathomless nigh; a crow with eyes so full of guilt and regret that it hit me to the core.

I didn't know how long I had sat there, motionless, just staring into the crow's eye. But when it hit the window with his nib again, I was torn back to the here and now.

_He had come ... to me ... after everything. _

I got up and slowly opened the window. The crow immediately opened its wings and flew into my room. When I turned around the crow was gone but the expression in the eyes which looked at me now had remained the same. Damon didn't move, he just stood there and looked at me with these unbelievable regretful eyes. At his sight, the tears started to build up in my eyes again.

I saw how he started to approach me and how my legs started to move but when we stood in front of each other and he opened his arms to hug me, I smashed my fits onto his chest instead of letting me drop into his arms.

"Why did you leave? Why did you leave me alone?" I screamed in tears while my hands landed on his chest again and again.

I didn't know what drove me to this action; I guess it was a spontaneous reaction, an action out of despair and relief at the same time. An action I wasn't really aware off. But nevertheless Damon didn't let go of me, he didn't try to get rid of my hands, instead he remained where he stood and just tried to close his arms around me ... because he knew that I didn't mean to beat him.

I couldn't fight for long. I had lost all my power during the day, while having to watch Stefan kiss Katherine and Damon turning his back on me. I had lost it through the countless tears I had shed today.

When I broke down, Damon caught me before I could hit the ground. I pressed my face into his leather jacket, sucking in the familiar smell and let the tears dripped down my cheeks and soak into the black leather. My hands clung to it as if it was the last thing I could hold onto, the last thing that kept me from drowning and I could feel Damon's hands around my body, pulling me closer and closer to him.

"I promise you ... I will never leave you again", he whispered. "I will learn from my mistakes."


	57. Tears&Blood (DamonElena)

**Tears & Blood (Damon/Elena)**

**Damon**

For a long moment, we just stood there. She, clinging to my me and I, holding her as tightly as I could without hurting her. When I heard and felt that her sobs started to slow down and finally stopped completely I gently loosened my grip around her body and she lifted her head to look me into the eyes.

My face expression must have been more than shocked because she immediately lowered her head again and wiped with her hands through her face. But that didn't make it any better, it made it even worse.

When I had transformed back into my human shape and looked at her I hadn't really recognized the state she was in, I'd only had eyes for the look in her eyes, the despair, the loneliness and the relief. And seconds later I had hold her in my arms.

But now, when her face was so close to mine, I could see the condition she was in very clearly. I could see the dirt mixed with blood all over her face and I could smell her still bleeding hands and the dried blood of every scratch on her body.

I felt a stitch in the region where my heart was supposed to be. Partly, her condition was my fault.

Gently I pulled her chin up and looked her straight into the eyes, a serious expression on my face.

"I am so sorry, this is my fault ...", I whispered.

"No ... no it's not. Not only yours. It's Stefan's as well. And you had at least a reason", she replied and I could hear how hard it was for her not to break out into tears again.

"You are totally exhausted. You need to calm down. What if you lay down on your bed and I get a wet towel and some disinfectants for you? Because these scratches look really bad ..."

"Okay", was all she could whisper.

I loosened my grip around her chin and she wanted to turn around but her knees gave in and I felt how she tried to get hold on my leather jacket. With quick reflexes, I caught her and lifted her up from the ground.

"You have already injured yourself enough and I don't want to add a head injury to the list", I said smiling.

"Thanks", she replied and a small smile appeared on her face.

"This situation becomes pretty familiar to me, you carrying me because I lost my conscious."

"You are right, how many times have we been in this situation now?" I replied laughing.

"No idea. I stopped counting", she replied.

I was happy that she could smile again. She had looked so sad ... so lost ... so desperate. And I had felt so miserable but seeing her smile again now because of the situation, because of a memory we shared, relieved me. I might have made the mistake to leave her alone once but I was not going to repeat it. I would help her, as good as I could.

Slowly I carried her to her bed and laid her down.

"Okay, let me examine your scratches first. Your face doesn't look too bad. You simple have given yourself a nice make-up by wiping with your hands through your face."

"This is not funny!" She shouted enraged, but I could hear from the sound of her voice that she had to suppress a laughter.

"So we can fix that with a wet towel but what about your hands? Show them to me."

She carefully lifted her hands and held them out to me. I had expected every reaction but not this one to the sight and the smell of her blood. I felt how my canines wanted to elongate, pressing against my upper jaw and lip and how the dark veins started to appear under my eyes. I took one of her hands in mine and lowered my head so she couldn't see my face, desperately trying to fight against my instincts. It would scare her, she would be afraid, like she had been on this road in the darkness. My grip around her hand must have been pretty strong because a moan left her lips and she tried to pull her hand away. I immediately loosened my grip.

"Sorry", I replied in a husky voice.

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, yeah ... of course. Wait here, I get the towel and the disinfectants", I replied while already getting up from her bed and turning around.

As normal as possible I went to the bathroom but I could feel her puzzled look in my back. I shut the door half close behind me and leaned on the lavatory. I How should I ever explain it to you, Elena? How would you ever understand? I sighted and opened the board above me.

* * *

**Elena **

While Damon was searching in the bathroom for something to make me look at least a bit human again, I tried to sort my thoughts.

The whole situation was ... unrealistic. Like a dream. Not a nightmare, no, definitely not. More like a light in the darkness, as poetic as it might sound. He was really there, he was here, after everything; everything I had said and done, after everything I had put him through ... and he even felt guilty! He felt guilty! His look had already crushed me when he had still been a crow sitting on my window board but when he had transformed back into a human and looked at me with these unbelievable sad and guilty look in his eyes ... it had overwhelmed me.

I didn't know why I had beaten him. I'd had no reason at all. But in that moment I had just been too relived to see him here; to get the proof that I hadn't lost him; that he was still my friend; that he still wanted to be around me; that he didn't ... hate me.

A slight smile appeared on my face. It had felt so good to be in his arms. I'd had these feeling again; this feeling of being totally save, protected, as if nothing and nobody could hurt me. I could have stood there like this forever.

But Damon had needed to loosen his grip and to look me in the eyes ... and to see the horrible condition I was in. I hadn't looked into a mirror but from his face expression I could tell that I had to look awful.

And when I had wanted to go to my bed and felt how my knees had given in he hadn't even needed a second to catch me. I hadn't been able to prevent myself from smiling in this situation. As sad and desperate as I had been before, his appearance had changed everything. And although there was still this huge question mark about Stefan and Katherine, still the thoughts what this kiss meant, I felt better now. I felt as if I could handle it ... with his help, with him at my side.

The only thing I didn't understand was his behavior before he had left to the bathroom. It had seemed to me as if he couldn't have gotten away from me as fast as possible; as if he had escaped into the bathroom.

Yes, of course it had been the blood but ... why? I mean he lived for quite many decades now and until now I had never saw him having any problems with the smell of human blood. So why now? Why with me? And why did he hide? Why did he feel ... yes ... ashamed? Because of my reaction towards his face back on the road yesterday? Yes, I had been afraid of him. But this here, in my bedroom was a completely different situation. I didn't fear his vampire site. I simply feared his uncontrollability, his temper but ... that's him; that's Damon and I liked all his sites as incontrollable as they might be. I knew that he would never hurt me but that didn't mean that he couldn't scare me.

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard Damon's footsteps on the floor and a door being closed. With two wet towels and band-aids in his hands he approached my bed again. I could see that the smile on his face was forced. He had to hold onto him, to control himself ... and it wasn't easy for him.

First I wanted to talk to him about it but I still remembered what happened the last time in the car on the road after the masquerade ball and I had just gotten him back. I didn't want to lose him again. I wouldn't survive that so I decided to help him as good as I could.

"Give me one of the wet towels, then I can start to clean up my hands first otherwise I will go on covering my face with red tracks", I said smiling and as casual as possible.

Without a word, he handed me the towel but I could see how his strained face expression relaxed and softened again.

While I was busy cleaning up my hands, he prepared the band aids and as soon as I was done, he pasted them on the scratches on my hands. When he was done I looked at my hands and I couldn't suppress a laughter. It looked ridiculous. It wouldn't have made a difference if Damon would have taped them completely because there was barely any place on my hands left that was not covered under a band-aid. And when I lifted my head to face Damon I could see that he thought the same.

"Okay, so that's fixed. Now let me clean up your face."

While he laid one hand on the back of my head his face approached mine until they were only inches away from each other. Then he started to wipe away the tracks on my face.

First I was looking down on my blanket, letting him do him do his work but after a while I couldn't hold myself back from lifting my eyes and observing him. His expression was serious and his blue eyes were focused on my face while the towel was touching my face as gently as if it would be nothing more than a feather. I had to smile again but he didn't recognize. He had only eyes for his mission. My smile got even brighter. It really looked like he was on a very important and serious mission.

_You are crazy, Damon Salvatore. Crazy and kind ... _

"Okay, I am done. You look human again."

"Mission completed, I would say."

"Not yet. Or do you want to sleep in your dirty and damaged trousers and shirt?"

"Not necessarily ..." I answered while I already started to get out of my shirt.

"Ehm ... okay I will turn around ...", Damon stammered.

"Oh wait, I have a better idea. You go downstairs and search for something tasty. I mean tasty for humans", I corrected myself when I saw the grin on his face.

"Damn, I was just about to take a bite of Jeremy ..." He joked.

"Don't you dare!" I shouted while forcefully pushing against his shoulder.

Damon wasn't prepared for my spontaneous action and I already saw him lying on the ground but in the last moment he managed to get back into his position on the edge of my bed. We both burst out into laughter.

"Okay no Jer, instead something unhealthy for humans ..."

"Hey, sometimes you are allowed to eat unhealthy but tasty things! For example when you just saw your boyfriend kiss his Ex who looks accidentally exactly like you. In my opinion that's the best apology to eat tons of chocolate and chips!"

"Yes, madam!" Damon joked but then became serious again. "And then you tell me what exactly happened between Stefan and Katherine, okay?"

Immediately I got serious again, too. Not because I didn't want to talk about Stefan ... no …

"You don't have to listen to my problems with Stefan all the time ... It's okay. I am fine."

For a moment he looked at me seriously; then he lowered his head and stared to the ground. His expression, his body language undefined. I couldn't make out what he was thinking and it frightened me. I wasn't sure if I would want to know what he was thinking.

Then he lifted his head again, a warm smile on his face.

"But I want to. And you are not ..." He said in a voice that was not more than a whisper but full of the same warmth that laid in his eyes.

Then he got up from my bed and walked out of the door … and left me speechless on my bed.

**Damon**

I couldn't believe it. This whole situation was ... surreal, a dream. It had to be a dream because it was too amazing, too much the way I wanted it to be. It couldn't be true. But no; I was really standing in the Gilbert kitchen right now and looked through the cupboards on my search for something tasty. I didn't find any chocolate so chips had to enough.

I was about to leave the kitchen when the thought came to my mind that Elena might not have changed completely yet ... what if I? I had to laugh about myself. Some month ago I would have hurried intentionally to catch her in her underwear and now ... things could change a lot; people can change ... a lot. I did; because of her.

I turned around and went to the refrigerator to get some milk; then I looked for a cup and some cocoa powder. When I put the cup into the microwave I leaned with my back against the kitchen board and crossed my arms in front of my chest. I was seriously standing in the Gilbert's kitchen and made hot chocolate for Elena.

_I am standing right here, right now ... _

A day ago I was about to give her up, to distance myself from her to stop my suffering and now … now she was upstairs. Only minutes ago she had laughed because she had nearly thrown me off her bed accidentally. She had laughed about my joke about her new make-up. She had laughed because of me.

Where was the Elena who had stood in my hallway completely lost and desperate, tears running down her cheeks and murmuring incomprehensible words? Where was the Elena who had sat on her window board staring on her diary while tears had blurred her view, her eyes wet and empty? The Elena I had seen only a few hours, few minutes ago?

She had completely disappeared and been replaced by the Elena I knew ... the Elena I loved. Her smile had returned, her eyes had sparkled again and I could still hear the echo of her laughter; her voice so full of life and joy again. She had transformed into a completely different person, into the old Elena, within ... not even half an hour and the reason for all this; the reason for her sparkling, her smile ... was ... I. Just because I had returned to her. Because I had decided to put her feelings before my own.

I could slam my head against one of the cupboards. I had been such an idiot. I had complained, had hated her for using me; for only coming to me when she had problems with Stefan. Now she was sitting on her bed telling me that she was fine and that I didn't have to listen to her problems all the time; as if she could read my thoughts.

Or when I had barely been able to control myself when I had smelled her blood she had understood. I didn't know if she had completely understood but she had known that something had been wrong. That's why she had taken the towel to stop the bleeding so I hadn't had to do it.

How wrong had I been? How unbelievable wrong had I been? Rose had been so right ... with everything! She didn't only understand me like nobody else, no, I was the one she turned to, I was the one she had chosen as her support, I was the one who could make her smile again.

I still couldn't believe it. She had seen Stefan kiss Katherine and now she was upstairs smiling, laughing, joking as if nothing had happened ... because I was there.

The click of the microwave interrupted my thoughts. I grabbed the cup and the chips and went back upstairs.

* * *

**A/N:** Hey guys! I am on vacations for a week now! Sorry that I didn't manage to upload all chapters I have left until today! But when I will be back you will get the rest plus a brand new one hopefully :) So before I leave a more cute and less dramatic chapter, hope you like it! Keep the reviews coming, they are awesome! xoxox Franzi


	58. One step to the truth (Damon)

**One step to the truth (Damon)**

Elena was already lying in her bed when I entered her room.

"How long does it take you to ...", she started but then she saw the hot chocolate. "Oh Damon, I love you. Can you read my thoughts?"

I nearly let the hot chocolate drop to the ground. Her sentence hit me like an electricity shock. I knew it had been nothing more than a joke but ... hearing her mouth leave these words in combination with my name ...

_Oh c'mon Damon, think clearly again. It was a joke, nothing more. You will never ever hear these words from her in a different context than a joke, so calm-down. This woman really makes me crazy. _

My shocked face expression was replaced by a grin, too fast for her to even notice that her sentence had completely thrown me off the track. I threw the chips onto her bed where she opened them immediately with a "Yummy".

"I can't even remember that I ate something today ... "

"Well then ... chips are the perfect dinner I would say", I replied laughing.

"Shut up", she mumbled with her mouth already full of chips. "So do you want to stand there until you are grown to the ground or do you want to keep me company?" She said and tapped on the empty place on her bed beside her.

I grabbed the teddy bear which was leaning against her pillow and let myself drop onto her bed, placing the bear on my chest.

"I have a déjà vu. And you still do not have any manners", she said laughing.

With quick moves I got out of my shoes and my leather jacket and placed the teddy bear back on my chest.

"I should make a picture of this. It is simply ridiculous. The bad evil vampire and the cute, innocent teddy bear."

"Bad and evil vampire? Be careful, princess, or I will show you how bad and evil I can be", I warned her laughing and in the same moment I regretted it.

_Please don't let her remember the dark road now... _

But she simply let her head fall to the side, revealing her bare throat while she barely could suppress a laughter. I had so swallow. But as fast as she had bared her throat, she had covered it again with her long silky hair. This woman really loved the danger and I doubted that she understood what she was doing to me.

I grabbed to the site to get her hot chocolate then I handed it over to her while she gave me the chips in return. And that's how we sat there for a while - she drinking her hot chocolate and I munching on some pepperoni chips … crazy, unrealistic like I said.

After a while I broke the silence.

"So what happened today between Stefan and Katherine ...?"

"Damon ..."

"No, no, no, no ... no "Damon". Tell me ..." I called on her and looked at her with a warm inviting smile.

"And you really wanna know?"

"I really wanna know", I replied convinced.

And it wasn't a lie. Only a word, an action could change so much ...

"I don't know where to begin. Actually there is not much to say. I went to the tomb. Yes, I know I shouldn't have done that but in this moment it didn't matter to me, I simply wanted to see Stefan because ... because I thought this might help me ... from ... from forgetting the morning ..."

"When you were at the mansion ..."

"Exactly ..." She said, not able to look me in the eyes but staring onto the blanket. "I ran down the stairs and was just about to enter the tomb when I saw them ... kissing. First I was unable to move, like frozen to the ground. It was like a bad nightmare, I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I couldn't feel. I was simply ... dead. And then everything came crashing down on me, all at once ... the pictures, the thoughts, the pain ... this pain ..." Her voice had become faster and faster and I saw that a tear was dripping onto her blanket.

"Please don't ... You don't have to ..." I started but she interrupted me.

"No ... no ... I am fine, it's okay ... it helps ... talking about it ...", she replied and smiled at me while she wiped away the tear that had run down her cheek. "Well and you know the rest ..."

"Are you sure he really wanted to kiss her? I mean we are talking about Katherine here. She might easily have forced him into the kiss. She might even have heard you coming down the stairs!"

"She didn't. They both didn't. They didn't even recognize me standing in front of the tomb entrance with my heart beating so fast that even I could hear it hammer against my chest. And you got me wrong ... she didn't kissed him ... he kissed her. She didn't have to force him ..." She said, her voice becoming a whisper.

"He, Stefan, kissed Katherine? Are you absolutely sure?"

"Damon, I am not blind! Yes, he did! He kissed her ... and how he kissed her … Damon, you were wrong. He loved her and he still does. You should have seen this kiss ... this passion, this electricity, this love ... he ... he never ... kissed me like that. Never", she said bitterly.

In this moment I wanted to rip my brother into pieces, tearing every single limb from his body. Here sat this amazing beautiful woman beside me, a woman who loved him so much and what did he do? Screw you, Stefan. Screw you for having hurt her; for having her but still wanting more. Was it not enough for you to have her love? Did you really need the love of both ... of the two only women I ever cared about?

"I don't know what to say. I could lie to you know. Telling you it is nothing, that there is a logical explanation for his behavior but it would be a lie ... and I don't want to lie to you. I don't get it, don't get him. I thought I know my brother but I might have been wrong. But ... I know how much he means to you. I know how much you love him so ... don't give up on him so easily; don't let Katherine win."

"Damon, it is useless. I lost him already. I think I never even meant something to him. I think I really had been nothing more than the substitute. He simply loved ... he thought that he loved me just because I look like her ... like Katherine."

"No, Elena, I might not understand Stefan now, but I can tell you, he never saw a Katherine substitute in you. Never."

"Why are you so sure?"

"I don't know ... maybe because everything he did ... for you."

She didn't reply to that but simply stared onto her blanket again.

"Promise me only one thing."

"What?"

"Don't give up on him that easily. Talk to him ..."

"I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I can ever look into his eyes again ..."

"Try it ... otherwise you will regret it. I know that. I made this mistake."

"What do you mean?"

I didn't answer immediately. I hadn't wanted to say that. I had hoped she would have overheard it. But now I couldn't go back. And maybe it was time to ... there might be no better moment than now.

"Promise me that you will talk to him first."

She hesitated but then she gave in.

"Okay, I promise", she said and looked me directly into the eyes.

I couldn't stand her look and now I was the one who lowered his look to the blanket.

_Shall I really ...?_

I lifted my head again and turned my head to see that she was still looking at me. And it was her expression, her warm smile, the smile I had given her just minutes before, which let me start with a conversation that had been long overdue. An answer to a question she had asked me ... a long time ago ... exactly here ... while she was kneeling on the ground and looking up to me ... her expression so completely different, so full of hatred ... and her thoughts screaming _why_. The question she had spoken out loud later ... on a bench at a lake ... at night ... at the night of the masquerade ball. The question why I had killed her brother.

"Do you remember the question you asked me ... that night on the masquerade ball? When I said that I couldn't talk about it right now but that I would tell you, that I promised you to tell you the truth?"

"The question why you killed Jeremy ...", she whispered.

"Yes ..." I stared into her eyes, my expression serious.

I didn't know if I should go on. I didn't know if she wanted to hear it ... now. I waited for a sign ... something ... and she understood. She turned her body entirely in my direction now, looking me straight back into the eyes, ready to get to know the truth.

"That evening ... before I went to you ... Katherine visited me. She waited for me in the manor when I returned from the Lockwood's ...," I stopped, not knowing how to go on.

"What did she want?" She asked, her voice nearly a whisper.

My eyes, my voice, my whole body language should told her how hard it was for me to talk about all this. My eyes were fixed on the blanket and I was far away ... at that evening when Katherine had waited for me.

I had my hands folded but my covered hand was clenched and my entire body tense.

From the corner of my eye I saw that she wanted to touch my hands and she was about to reach out to me but in the last moment she draw her hand back. I was thankful for that. I couldn't have stood her touch right now. It was already too hard to keep myself under control; to be able to talk. Her skin on mine ... would let my masquerade crumble entirely.

"She came to play ... with me. Because she was bored or simply because she loves to see people suffer. I didn't want to pay any attention to her but you know Katherine. She placed herself in front of me ... blocking my exit. She said she came to say goodbye ... as if I would believe that. She asked if she wouldn't get a goodbye kiss ... I tried to fight against her ... trying to protect myself with irony. I told her I would prefer to kill her instead ... but she knows me too well. She knew ... she told me to kiss her or kill her. She said I would only be capable of one. She teased me, played with me ... her face coming closer and closer until our lips nearly touched. I wanted to hate her so badly in this moment; I wanted to kill her ... for knowing me so well. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand being so close to her. I turned around, wanting to escape her ... leave ... but she was faster. She threw me to the ground ... leaning over me. Her hair was touching my cheek ... just like it had so many times before ... a long time ago ... back ... in 1864 ..."

With every word I said I had become faster and I had even forgotten about Elena.

"But I didn't want to remember this time. She faked her death; she never told me the truth that she was still alive, she didn't search for me. I grabbed her throat and threw her to the ground, leaning over her now. In this moment I wanted to kill her for what she had done to me but ... I couldn't. Staring into these brown eyes ... which are so familiar to me ... the same eyes that made me fall in love with her such a long time ago. She was right. I was only capable of one. I lowered my lips to hers, touching hers. It was the same feeling ... the same feeling like in 1864 ... and yet, something was different. I pushed her away ... I wanted to know the truth ... a truth I never wanted to face before ... a question I never wanted to ask because I was afraid of the answer ... but nevertheless ... I had to know ... I had to know because I thought she would answer it right. I thought she would say "Of course I do, I always did" ... I thought we could start new ... love makes you so stupid ... and so blind ..." His voice had slowed down again, becoming nearly a whisper and I could clearly hear the bitterness in his voice.

"What did you ask her?" Her voice was so silent that a human would never have understood her ... but she wasn't talking to one.

"I didn't even have to ask. She said, she already knows my questions ... and the answer. I hoped, I prayed, desperately ... I was prepared for everything ... but not that ...", I whispered. "She said ... "The truth is ... I have never loved you ..." I paused, preparing myself for what I had to tell her, what I had to hear myself again ... what I had to admit ...

In this moment she reached out with her hand and touched mine. She did nothing more, just laid her hand on mine. And my masquerade started to crumble. I clenched my fist even harder, clenched my teeth, my jaw tense ... and it did cost me all my strength to hold onto myself to not collapse. There was no strength left for anything else ... for nothing; not even for talking.

In the moment she touched my hand I knew I couldn't tell her the whole truth. I couldn't. The words ... didn't want to leave my lips. If I would say out loud ... repeat what Katherine had said ... I wouldn't be able to control myself any longer. If I would tell her ... I would break.

"So she didn't lie at the masquerade ball. She told the truth when she said that ... that ... she never ..." She lifted her hand from mine again and covered her mouth with it in disbelief.

I only nodded, not able to look her in the eyes. But I felt the release immediately when her hand left mine. It was like ... I could breathe again ... think again. It was as if ... I could control myself again. Her pity ... her sympathy ... I had felt all that when she had laid her hand on mine ... and that's what I hadn't been able to stand ... but now ...

"Now I understand ... now I know why you came completely drunk to me ... now I know why ... you ... killed Jeremy ..."

"No, Elena, I have no excuse for killing Jeremy. I killed Jeremy because I was egoistic! An egoistic monster!" I burst out.

"No, Damon, don't say that ..."

"You said it yourself ..."

"I was hurt! Hurt that you hurt me ... that you ... betrayed me ... but I didn't know the reason! And you know what? I was egoistic! Because I never asked! I never asked why you came to me totally drunk! I should have recognized that something was wrong! As your friend it would have been my duty!"

"Even if this might be true, I still have no excuse!"

"Yes, you have."

"And what excuse is that? Stupidity because I trusted this bitch? Because I was ready to make the same mistake I made more than 150 years ago again? Because she told me that I died for nothing, that she always loved a man who never loved her as much as I did? Because I searched for her like an idiot although she didn't want to be found ... by me? It's my fault ... all my fault!"

I turned my head away and faced the blanket again.

"I was right."

"With what?" I asked and abruptly lifted my head again and looked back at her.

"That you don't admit that you get hurt but instead you cover it up and in the end you do something stupid. It is exactly what you did. And it was partly my fault ..."

"You didn't do anything wrong ..."

"I refused ... your kiss. I told you that ... I love Stefan ... after Katherine told you she never loved you ..."

"And?"

"And? You are unbelievable ... even now you don't want to admit that I hurt you ..."

"Okay you hurt me, satisfied?"

"Damon! I am serious ... I ... would I have known ..."

"You didn't ask ..."

"I didn't ask ... and I am sorry for that ..."

"It would have changed nothing ... or would you have let me kiss you?"

"I ..."

"See?"

"But you know ..."

"Yes, I know that you love Stefan ... I just thought ... I don't know what I thought ..."

"You thought that there was nevertheless something going on between the two of us ...", she started.

"And I am sorry for that ... it had been stupid ... I had been so stupid ..."

"No, Damon you were not ..."

"I was not?"

As shocked as I had been when I had come back into her room and she had told me she loved me because I had brought her a hot chocolate as shocked I was now. I couldn't believe my ears.

"There was something between the two of us ... there still is. It was always there ... a special connection. I don't know ... how to describe it. Something far beyond friendship and love ... something ... different ..."

I don't know but in this completely messed up situation, this situation where I had wanted to tell her the truth but instead ... I hadn't been brave enough ... again ... I couldn't prevent that a smile appeared on my face, a thankful smile.

She would never only love me ... but she felt what I felt ... this special connection, something I had never experienced before; something special; something beyond everything ... and that's why I had convinced her to talk to Stefan. It was my duty.

I could easily convince her to never take him back. She had been about to give him up completely ... but ... two things kept me from letting her.

The first thing was that Katherine won the game she had played with me. She had wanted to destroy me and she had. She had hurt me ... more than I was ready to admit to myself ... or to Elena. And she shouldn't win another time, she shouldn't destroy Elena, too.

And the second thing was that ... she loved Stefan. She would always love him ... and I had made the mistake once ... to love a woman who loved someone else. I would never make that mistake again. I don't know if she would ever be completely done with Stefan. If not ... that would mean I would always only be the best friend. If she would be, then I would be there … if she wanted me ... but until then ... this special connection was more than I had ever imagined.

She smiled back, obviously relieved by my slight change of mood. Then she crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"This is ridiculous."

"What?" I asked completely puzzled.

"This is ridiculous. Now we sit here ... in a bad mood ... dumped by the persons we love ... while exactly these two persons make out in a damn tomb!"

First I looked at her flabbergasted but then a smile appeared on my face again and I even had to hold onto me to not burst out into laughter.

"You are unbelievable. What happened to the serious Elena, the moral Elena, the Elena who would have never made such a joke?"

"I don't know ... perhaps I left her with them in the tomb? I am simply tired of being sad all the time, Damon. All this chaos, these problems ... and Stefan makes it only more complicated. I don't want to get buried under this amount of conflicts and sadness and suffering. My life is too short for that. If he wants her, he should take her."

"You are unbelievable."

"I know", I laughed.

"Why should my world stop spinning just because of some guy? Vampire or not, he is still only a guy ..."

"A guy you love ..."

"A guy I love BUT who cheated on me ..."

"If he doesn't have a logical explanation ..."

"YOU are unbelievable. You should hate Stefan not defend him."

"I hated him for so many decades ... I got tired of it. And I ... I just don't want you to regret a thing ... like I did. I regret that I never asked Katherine what she really felt for me. I never asked her for an explanation why she made out with the two of us back in 1864 ... and you see where it got me."

"Okay so to sum it up, we are tired of Stefan and Katherine! So now we forget about these two. If they can enjoy their teat à teat we can enjoy our evening, too ... with chips ... and did you bring some Bourbon here?"

We both started to laugh.


	59. Thunder & Lightning (Damon)

**Thunder and Lightning (Damon)**

* * *

**Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol**

___We'll do it all _  
_Everything  
On our own_

We don't need  
Anything  
Or anyone

I don't quite know  
How to say  
How I feel

Those three words  
Are said too much  
They're not enough

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?  


* * *

In the end we didn't drink Bourbon but we went on talking for a long while. The names of Stefan and Katherine never fell again, instead we talked about ... us.

"And do you remember when you were in my bedroom after I called you? Because I was worried about the name we don't say out loud? You were lying on my bed exactly like this ..."

"Really? I only remember that I searched through your underwear ... btw ...", I replied and wanted to get up from her bed to walk to her board under the mirror.

"No, no, no, no! Don't you dare!" She laughed and grabbed my arm to hold me back. I put on my best pouting expression and she nearly suffocated from laughing.

"Or do you remember when we were at Duke and you took the arrow in the back for me?" She went on.

"Of course I do. Vanessa this crazy bitch!"

"Could she have killed you?"

"Well she could have killed you way more easily with this arrow ..."

"But it was a wooden arrow ... she could have killed you, too if she would have hit your heart, right?"

"Well ... I think so." I answered as if it was nothing.

"So you risked your life to save me although I told you the night before that I hate you forever?"

"What can I say? I love to risk my life for you ... it gives me a thrill ... adrenaline rush, you know?"

"I have never met a crazier vampire than you are!" She laughed. "Or do you remember when ..."

But she didn't finish her sentence. She looked behind me, a frightful expression on her face. I immediately turned around, ready to fight with every enemy that had dared to enter her house and wanted to hurt her but behind me was nothing. I faced her again, a puzzled expression on my face when there was a deafening sound audible outside the window. Elena recoiled.

I walked to the window to look outside and I could make out dark clouds chasing over the sky, streaked by lightening every few seconds. It had started to rain heavily. The rain was gushing down from the clouds, beating against Elena's bedroom window, underlining the sound of the thunder, which followed the lightening immediately. The tree in front of her window was bending its branches, trying to fight against the storm.

I could hear that Elena had followed me to the window and I could feel that she was standing at my side now. We stood there and watched the dark sky with no stars, no moon visible when the next lighting streaked through the clouds and enlightened Elena's bedroom. Shortly after that, the thunder followed and I could feel fingernails piercing through my shirt, into the skin of my upper arm and her body so close to mine.

I had to suppress a laughter. This couldn't be true. I turned my head to face Elena and her eyes were wide and fearful and her face had turned a tiny little bit whiter than it had been before.

"No, you don't want to tell me that you are afraid of thunderstorms?" I grinned.

She didn't reply, just turned her head away pouting.

"You live in a town with vampires, werewolves, witches and hell knows what other creatures run around here and you are scared by a thunderstorm?" I couldn't suppress a laughter now.

"What? This is a normal fear ..."

But again she couldn't finish her sentence but screamed instead and pressed her body even closer to mine when a dazzlingly lightning followed by a deafening thunder filled the room again.

"I hate thunderstorms!" She yelled angrily, let go of me and returned to her bed.

"I love thunderstorms", I replied, grinning at her. "I could have stood there in front of the window with you forever." I could barely hold onto myself not to burst out into laughter again.

"Great, at least you have something to laugh about. I am happy that I could entertain you. Goodnight", she replied and pulled the blanket over her head so that all I could still see was a streak of her brown hair.

"Okay. Well it is already midnight, I should probably better leave now ...", I started.

Before I had finished the sentence, the blanket had been thrown back again and Elena was sitting upright in her bed, her eyes mirroring deep fear – of thunder and lightning! I still couldn't believe it! She fought against all these fears and threats that came with Stefan and me into town, she withstood Katherine, but she was afraid of some light and loud sound? It was ridiculous ... and one of the cutest things I had ever heard. Another thing to add to my list ... of why I loved her.

Even funnier than her impulsive reaction to my announcement that I was about to leave was how she denied it now and tried to save the situation.

"Do you think that's a good idea?" She asked, her voice distanced, cold, disinterested, so that she wouldn't reveal any fear. But she couldn't deceive me. I still heard the slight fear in her voice, the trembling and I saw how hard it was for her not to recoil by each thunder.

"That won't be a problem. As far as I know now vampires don't die when they are hit by a lighting ..."

"Did you ever test it?" She asked, her voice slightly higher than normal.

"No, Elena. I can imagine funnier things than trying to be hit by a lighting in a thunderstorm", I laughed.

"So you don't know!" She said, nearly hysterical now.

"I will be fine ..." I replied and turned to the window. For a moment there was only silence, broken by the thunder from now and then.

"Damon?"

"Elena?"

We had started at the same time. I turned around to face her again.

"You first."

"Would it be a problem for you ... to ... maybe ... perhaps ... stay ... with me ... the night ...?" She stuttered while she looked onto her blanket avoiding my eyes.

"Of course not", I replied a warm smile on my face. "I wanted to ask the same ... if I should stay ..."

She lifted her head again to look at me and I could see a surprised and at the same time relived smile on her face.

"You are probably the most unique person I have ever met ...", I said head shaking and walked towards her bed again.

"Wait! Do you really want to sleep in your trousers?"

"Ehm ... well I can go back to take my PJ's if you want ...", I started, half puzzled, half laughing.

"I have a better idea."

With that she disappeared through the bathroom door and a minute later she came back with a pajama trouser in her hand.

"You and Jeremy have nearly the same size", she said and gave the pants to me.

"Yes, this looks way more comfortable to me. And what does Jeremy say to this?"

"He won't recognize. First of all his wardrobe is a mess and second he is not here. He said he wanted to meet some friends at Mystic Grill", she replied walking over to the bathroom. "You change, I brush my teeth", she added and hid behind the bathroom door.

"Some friends ... that's how it is called today ..." I said grinning while changing my clothes.

"What?" She asked laughing.

"I bet he hangs around with our little witch ..."

"With Bonnie? Jer and Bonnie?"

"C'mon, don't tell me you didn't recognize the tension between the two. You should have seen them when Bonnie wanted to get the moonstone out of the tomb. Jer risked his life only to save her. He knew what such a powerful spell might do to her ..."

"Wow, I didn't know that ..."

"And what does the big sister think about this? Her best friend and her brother?"

"I don't know. It is weird but ... they would be a great couple. Jeremy went through so much ... if someone can make him happy than Bonnie ..."

"So are you making me ...", I whispered.

"Did you say something?" Elena's voice came from the bathroom and seconds later she appeared in the door.

"Nope, just that I agree with you", I replied, earning a smile from her.

"Let's go to be ...", she wanted to say but recoiled and nearly wanted to scream again because another lightening was seen outside the window.

"Okay first of all you tell me why you don't fear vampires . but such a silly thunderstorm ..." I said while laying down beside her in her bed and covering both of us with the blanket.

"Well ... I guess this is a bad remembrance from my childhood. I was maybe 8 years old. My parents were gone for the weekend and I should already sleep but I couldn't. My babysitter and Jer were sleeping peacefully so I went down to watch TV. It was in the middle of the night and they showed some horror movie. I don't exactly know what the movie was about but there was a lot of blood and death ... a typical horror movie scene and it happened in the middle of a thunderstorm ... and since that day I fear thunderstorms," she laughed.

"Well you got your quittance for watching horror movies in the middle of the night where little Elena's should actually sleep", I replied grinning.

"You can be happy! This action brought you a warm comfortable bed with a nice woman beside you 10 years later", she replied.

"Oh I am very happy, really. I totally prefer your small, 100 $ mattress over my XXL-size 700$ mattress with silk sheets", I laughed.

"Silk sheets? Seriously?"

"No that was a joke, but the rest wasn't a lie. I mean you collect an amount of money over the years ... why not investigate it in a comfortable ergonomic bed? That's why I am still walking upright. If I would have slept in a bed like this for years I would probably walk like a man of 100."

"You ARE 100, even older!"

"It is all about how old you feel and how old you exactly are", I replied grinning.

" ... and how old you behave ... concerning that you could be 10 sometimes."

"I don't mind", I replied. "Btw where is my toy car?"

We both burst out into laughter.

"This is crazy, isn't it?"

"I am sitting here laughing with you ... a few hours ago I wouldn't even have expected that you speak even one word with me ever again ..."

"A word ... an action ... can change so much ..."

"Oh yes ...", she said, lost in thoughts. "Damon ... thank you", she went on after a short pause.

"For what?"

"For coming here ... for taking me in your arms, for calming me, for fixing my scratches, for making hot chocolate for me, for everything!"

"It goes without saying ...", I replied smiling.

"No, it doesn't. You don't have to fake that I didn't hurt you. I know that I did. I was an idiot. I was blaming you for things you didn't do. I blamed you for letting Stefan get imprisoned although you saved my ass from these vampires. I could be dead by now and instead of thanking you. I fought with you ... that was not right. And I am so sorry for that."

"It's okay ..."

"You are really too nice ..."

"Me? Too nice?" I asked astonished.

"I don't know. I was such a bitch, such an idiot. You could have ripped me into pieces and you would have had a right to do so ..."

"I could never hurt you ...", I said, my expression serious. "Not like this", I added.

"That's what I mean ... that's why I feel so save when you are there ... because I trust you."

A warm smile appeared on my face and she returned it. For a while nobody said a word, both of us lost in our thoughts.

"Why did you come to me tonight, Damon? After all that happened ..." She whispered after a while.

I didn't reply immediately because I didn't know how to explain it the best; to explain it and not reveal too much. I could say now ... because I love you and I recognized that I give a damn about my own feelings as long as you are save but ... that was impossible. I had made this step. I had let her forget everything ... and this was for the best ...

"You have to thank Rose ..." I said instead.

"Rose?" She asked astonished.

"She ... she found me when you had left ... and she made me realize that ... despite everything that happened ... no matter if good or bad ... I can't leave you ... alone ... and ... that you are more important than every wrong word you might have said or every wrong action you might have done. She made me realize that I don't actually care. You needed me so here I am ... no matter what I might have felt ..."

"You are probably the most selfless person I ever met ..." She replied silently and smiling.

I recoiled, then I had to suppress a sigh ... just with you, Elena, just with you ... otherwise I would never have been able to let you forget ... these words ... these words which mean everything to me ... these words which were so difficult to say out loud ... and so painful ... even to think them ... even to think what might be ...

"You changed a lot, Damon. When I remember the first time I met you ... or better say the first time I met you and I knew you are a vampire ..."

"Or remember when you slammed me in the face ... twice ... in a few days ..."

"Hey, the first time you wanted to kiss me and the second time was because of Vicky!"

"I know you had every reason to slam me but ... you were very brave risking it ..." A smile appeared on my face.

"Why?" She asked, clueless. I had to laugh.

"Because every other person would have felt what it means to slam Damon Salvatore in the face."

"So I can take that as a compliment? That I could slab you and didn't get fangs in my throat in return?" She laughed.

"Oh yes ...", I replied smirking.

For another while we just sat there. I thought about her words ... that I changed a lot. She was right ... and she did recognize it. I didn't know if she knew that I had changed because of her ... not for her but because of her. She hadn't forced me ... but she had made me change. I acted differently ... without even recognizing.

The old Damon would have done so many things so differently. The old Damon wouldn't have followed her through the rain to fetch her up after an accident and just take her into his arms, listening to her. The old Damon would never have sat there with her on the bench at the Lockwood lake and talked so seriously. He would have joked ... or even tried to use the situation. When we had danced ... he would have kissed her, ignoring his phone, letting his brother deal with the situation alone while he would have kissed his girlfriend ... and the old Damon would never have come here tonight ... because he would have been hurt. He wouldn't have admitted it ... but he would have been hurt ... and he would have been too proud to turn around and come back to her after all that had happened and after all he and she had said.

But I didn't. Instead ... I had refused to kiss her ... and helped my brother. Instead I had jumped in my car to drive to her, to drag her from the loneliness she had felt out there in the rain. Instead I had come tonight ... nevertheless everything that had happened; nevertheless everything she had said to me; nevertheless my own feelings. I had put my feelings aside ... for her. I had taken her in my arms, I had listened to her while she had talked about what had happened between her and Stefan and ... I had motivated her to not give up; to fight for him ... for the man she loved so much; the man who would never be me but always my brother ... no matter what.

In this moment Rose' words came back to my mind.

_ "She was jealous!" _

She had been jealous when she had seen Rose. Rose in her bathrobe ... together with me. Should she really be right? This was so ... ridiculous; so ... unlikely … but I would never know if I didn't ask her ... directly.

I gathered all my brave together, my view fixed on her blanket.

"You know ...", I began, "Rose said something to me before I left the mansion and went to you. She said you two met yesterday morning in the mansion. She was only wearing a wardrobe and she dropped some ... words about our night ... and that you reacted ... weird ... and that it was the same today ... that you accused me for not helping you, that you burst out because ... you saw me and her together ... having fun. She said you ... you were so angry because ... you were jealous ..." I stammered. "But this is ridiculous, Rose always had an amazing power of imagination ...", I went on way too fast and with a nervous laughter at the end of the sentence.

I wasn't able to look at her. I still starred at the blanket and waited for her to say something but she didn't. Instead I felt something touching my shoulder very slowly and gently and a streak of brown hair caressing my arm. She had fallen asleep and her head was resting on my shoulder now. A slight smile appeared on my face.

Then it shouldn't be. Then I should never know ... and maybe it was better. My barriers concerning her, giving in to my feelings, were so weak at the moment ... so fragile ... just one right word, one touch ... and they would scramble ... break down. And I didn't know if I could still be that selfless then. I knew that I couldn't completely burry this stupid hope that one day ... there might be more between us ... but I could burry it as deeply as possible.

She had already said it to me once ... almost ... if I wouldn't have stopped her she would have told me that she ... loved me ... and I felt, I sensed it in every word, every move. It was so obvious whenever we met ... that there was this special bond; a bond she might not even share with Stefan. And she sensed it herself; she recognized that she behaved differently whenever I was around ... that she felt ... different.

But nevertheless ... I didn't want to hope anymore ... because I didn't want to feel this feeling anymore; the feeling of a destroyed hope; hoping and in the end being rejected again; having to bury the hope ... that there might be a day she would be mine ... because there was still Stefan, there would always be Stefan, no matter what ... exactly how she had told me that night in her bedroom …

_"It will always gonna be Stefan ..." _

Maybe ... maybe there would not be only Stefan; maybe there already was not only Stefan ... but ... even if there might be a day when there would be me and her ... and she and Stefan were past ... he would always be a shadow ... and that's something I couldn't stand. I couldn't compete with him.

And the worst ... what if she would recognize that she still loved Stefan ... more than me? And would go back to him? If that would happen ... it had happened once already ... and it had made me ... a monster. I didn't want that to ever happen again. I didn't want my heart to break like this ever again. I wouldn't let the story of Katherine, Stefan and me repeat all over again with Elena. Because concerning that I had to be selfish ... for the sake of everyone. And that's why it was better to never think of it again, never hope. I wanted to be her friend now, only her friend. That was the best for all of us.

In the same moment Elena slid down so that her head came to rest on my chest now, with one hand she clutched my shirt and I could make out a slight smile that appeared on her face. It reminded me of the night I had spent on the tree outside her bedroom window, watching over her. And my wish from that night had come true now – not only watching her from the distance but being close to her, holding her in my arms ... all night long.

It was nearly funny. I promised myself to be nothing more than her friend – again - and at the same time she decided to make it even harder for me to finally stick to a promise I had made concerning her - with one simple little movement; a movement which expressed something very important, probably the most important thing … not only in a relationship ... but in a friendship, too ... trust.


	60. The Notebook (Damon)

**The Notebook (Damon)**

When I woke up the next morning Elena was still sleeping on my chest. I didn't move, just laid there, with my eyes still closed and her head still on my chest. I simply listened to the sound of her steady breathing and her regular heart beat.

When I felt a movement on my chest and I looked down, I was staring in these deep brown eyes which mesmerized me every time again.

"Good morning", she murmured, still half asleep. "Do you mind staying with me every night now? I guess I never slept so well … and keeping the circumstances in mind this is pretty much of a wonder", she laughed.

"Hmm … I don't mind that", I grinned. "Always at your service, madam."

"Wonderful. And now I am hungry, what about you?"

"I wouldn't mind a bite or two", I replied and couldn't suppress a laughter when I saw her puzzled face.

"I forgot, I am sorry. Well … it won't be too easy to get you something … liquid here …", she said and I was nearly bursting out into laughter again because of her awkwardness.

"Well there is … you and maybe Jeremy is back … Jenna perhaps? And Ric!" I numerated and was nearly thrown off the bed again. "Okay … what about a pet you want to get rid off? Any cat, dog, whatever?"

"Damon!"

"Relax, I am joking", I laughed. "As if I can harm a helpless cute animal! I don't know how Stefan can reconcile that with his conscience … poor Bambi …" I went on, placed one hand on my chest and sighted theatrically.

"You are unbelievable", she laughed. "But yes … actually that was the reason for our break – up. Not Katherine. Okay she threatened to kill everyone that I love, she nearly was successful killing Jenna and Stefan nevertheless made out with the bitch in a dark cold tomb … no Katherine was not the reason at all. I just couldn't endure the imagination of him killing these helpless sweet animals anymore!"

"Who's unbelievable now? I get the idea that you hang out with me too much. Your humor got a huge portion of sarcasm only I use to use."

"I am only learning from my master", she grinned.

"Where are we now? Star Wars? C'mon young Padawan, we will have breakfast now! Maybe I can get it to the bed with telekinesis?"

"I doubt that. Let's get up. And I guess you will have to accept toast as a breakfast instead of my throat", she laughed and jumped out of her bed.

* * *

"So what are we going to do about Stefan and the tomb now?" Elena asked while munching her toast.

Actually you couldn't call it toast anymore. She put so much Nutella on it that it was more Nutella with toast than the other way round.

"I don't know. You really still want to get him out?" I asked grinning while biting in my toast with honey.

"Damon, I can't let him in there forever. First of all we need him …"

"Who needs Stefan?"

"Damon!" She screamed startled.

"Sorry", I replied choking because I had to suppress a laughter but was still munching on my toast. I earned a punishing look; then she went on.

" … and then I want to talk to him. You were right. I have to find out what the hell he thought by kissing Katherine. Was it a real kiss? Did she force him? If I don't talk to him and get an answer to these questions I will get insane."

"Okay, so getting Stefan out of the tomb is our No. 1 priority. Until now I didn't find anything in our library but I only went through a few books from which I know they might contain the info we need but I wasn't successful. Then I called Bonnie …"

"YOU called BONNIE?" She asked totally astonished. "Normally you two are like a red rag for each other …"

"Well … we had our difficulties … but you needed help and Bonnie is the only witch I know who is still alive. First she wasn't very keen to help but when I told her that she will do it for Stefan and you and not for me, she said that she will try her best."

"Wow okay. Did you hear from her until now?"

"Nope. I think I will call her again soon. Or you better do that. I guess she is more willing to tell you any progression she might have made. And while you do that I go on looking through the stuff we have in our library. Yesterday I had the idea that my dad might have left a hint about the tomb spell. He didn't have much time to write everything concerning the tomb and the spell that sealed the vampires inside down because our very intelligent Stefan killed him pretty soon afterwards but his diary is somewhere among our huge collection of books and old stuff."

"Deal. Then let's not waste any time and leave to the mansion," Elena replied, hectically biting into her toast, getting up and grabbing our plates.

Thanks to my quick reflexes I managed to pick up my toast before she would have thrown it together with the plates into the dishwasher. When she turned around and was about to go upstairs to get her jacket, I nearly fell from my chair from laughter. I immediately put my hand in front of my mouth but I couldn't prevent that Elena saw my grin.

"What? Why are you laughing again?"

"Ehm … well it is just such a nice day and I am in a good mood", I replied, still trying not to laugh out loud.

"Very funny", she replied pouting and went upstairs.

A minute later I could hear a scream. She must have looked into a mirror.

"DAMON! Why didn't you tell me that I have Nutella literally everywhere on my face?"

She didn't get an answer.

Instead she heard a dull sound of a vampire who fell from his chair and tried not to suffocate.

* * *

"THIS is your library?" Elena asked startled, standing in front of a huge row of shelves over and over filled with books half an hour later.

"Actually that are only the bookshelves on our gallery. We have more than twice as much shelves in our study room."

"You are kidding me."

"Nope."

"Ahhm … is leaving Stefan in the tomb an option again?"

"If you don't want to talk to him ever again … and some hot vampire sex … it is getting boring in there after a while I guess … and they only have each other …"

"Damon!" She screamed and gave me a push.

"Ugh, okay, I will call Bonnie first and you look into Giuseppe's diaries. Hopefully you find something and we don't have to search through all these books!" She went on.

* * *

Minutes later she entered the living room where I was laying on a couch with a book in my hands and tons of others right beside me. I was reading so highly concentrated that even with my vampire abilities I didn't hear Elena approach. When a streak of soft brown hair touched my cheek I recoiled.

"Wow you must have been really concentrated, you didn't even hear me approach", Elena said laughing.

She was leaning with her elbows on the armrest of the couch, her face was only inches away from mine and her silky hair was still caressing my cheek, falling onto my shoulder. I stopped breathing, overwhelmed from her closeness, from the warmth that radiated from her body, from her breath I could hear in my ears, feel on my skin. I had to cling to the book tightly to cover that my hands were trembling.

"Bonnie found out nothing. There is not a single word written about a back-up spell to get rid of the seal that lays on the tomb. So all my hope lays in Guiseppe's diaries now … or in one of the million books you have around here."

With that she got up from the armrest again and walked towards the rows of bookshelves that were filling the entire walls of the living room. I remembered that although I was a vampire I needed to breathe from now and then.

"Did you find something in the diaries by now?" She went on.

"Nope. Nothing. Just the usual nonsense about vampires being monsters and how awesome it was to burn them in the church", I replied bitterly.

"Your dad really hated vampires, didn't he?" She asked.

"More than anything else."

"I still can't understand how a father can kill his own sons. I mean okay you wanted to free one of the so called monsters but is that a reason?! You were still his sons …"

"You see it like this, he didn't. For him we had become the monsters he hated so much … even before we had really turned. By helping Katherine, we had betrayed him. We were nothing better than Katherine. We were evil, too."

"But couldn't he imagine that you drank Katherine's blood? That he wouldn't kill but turn you instead?"

"For him this was the most horrible thing he could imagine. A human drinking the blood of a vampire – by free will."

"But for you it wasn't …"

"I did it because I loved her", I replied honestly.

In the same moment I was surprised by myself. I never talked with anybody about my father, nor Katherine. And I knew the direction this conversation was heading to. I could explain her now … what it really meant to share your blood with the person you love.

"I did it out of love …", I added.

Elena looked at me silently, then down to the ground.

"You really loved her … way more than Stefan did, I guess …"

"I don't know … I really don't know …"

"You gave her your blood willingly … when you found out what she was, you weren't afraid … she didn't have to compel you right? You loved her just the way she was …"

"Did Stefan tell you that?"

"Yes …"

I didn't reply to that, just grinned sarcastically. Of course he did.

"Is it the truth?" Elena went on.

I hesitated then went on. "Yes. Yes, he said the truth."

"So I guess that is love … loving the person the way he is … accepting all his good and bad characteristics …"

Her words hit me to the core. Of course she was right. Of course that was love. But she also confirmed me that she could never love me because she would never accept me the way I was. She would always be … afraid. A part of her would never be able to turn that off. The fear of the monster. The hunter. The predator. The vampire. And just because Stefan was different … she could love him.

The next words I said more out of the rage of realizing this fact than that I really meant them.

"That means you can hold onto the fact that Stefan never had and never can really love Katherine. Because he will never accept her the way she is."

As soon as I spoke the words out I wanted to take them back. This was not fair … it was not fair to blame her for this. You couldn't force a person to love you. She loved you or she didn't love you; it was that simple.

First I could see the slight hurt in her eyes about the rough tone in my voice but then it disappeared and I could see realization in them.

"Yes … you are right. I am just trying to find an excuse for him … a reason that all I saw was a damn illusion and meant nothing to him … an accident …"

Now she was the one laughing out sarcastically. "

As if you can kiss someone accidently … without emotions … even if he loves me … he loves her, too …"

For a while we both didn't say a word, she ran with her eyes over the book shelves, probably not paying any attention to titles but only thinking of Stefan … and I stared into the diary of my father I had in front of me … and all I could think of was her.

It hurt me … of course to hear her saying these words but … it hurt me more that she was hurt. She was doing what I had been doing since the day I had met and fallen for her – comparing herself to Katherine as I did compare myself to my brother. And the result was the same for both of us: We were not good enough. I would never be the man she would want to have at her site; the one she deserved. And she thought Katherine was everything she was not – beautiful, self confident, brave. But she was wrong. She was this person while Katherine was nothing more but arrogant and selfish. A woman who cared for nobody but herself, who didn't know what love actually was.

I had really no idea what my brother had thought by kissing this bitch. Had Katherine somehow manipulated him? Or had he just lost his mind? Just the thought of exchanging Elena for Katherine was ridiculous!

"This is more the way I like it!" Elena suddenly said and interrupted my thoughts.

I looked up and saw that she had reached a shelf in the corner of the living room. We had placed this shelf in the remotest corner because it actually didn't suit the dusty old shelves full of antique books – it contained the modern way of books: DVD's.

"What if we go for a break? I am actually sick of these depressing thoughts", she went on.

And again I had to smile. I had no idea where she got this optimism from lately. It seemed as if nothing could bring her down. And if it did, she jumped straight up again.

"Sure. A nice action movie would be awesome right now! Or what about a good old horror movie?"

"Are you kiddin' me? Definitely not! But I guess I won't find …" But she didn't finish her sentence, instead she burst out into laughter.

"Don't tell me this is yours!" She screamed and pulled out a pastel blue looking DVD.

She walked up to me and held it under my nose.

"The Notebook, seriously? I am discovering totally new sides of you, Damon!" She said with a faked surprised expression on her face and I could see how hard it was for her not to burst out into laughter again.

"You got me. I am a fan of totally kitschy movies with absolutely no storyline and the slightest meaning." I hadn't even finished my sentence when I got a slab with the DVD on my arm. "Hey, I thought you weren't into action movies."

"You can't insult one of my favorite movies! It has very well a storyline and a meaning!"

"And that is?"

"A woman and a man meet when they are young but then their class differences tear them apart. Years later they meet again but she is about to marry a different guy, yet they can't forget each other and ignore the feelings they still have for each other. And the meaning is that every true love has a great story."

"Sounds … interesting", I replied, not convinced or enthusiastic at all.

"Oh c'mon, Damon, please!"

"How many times have you seen that movie already?"

"Uhm … I don't know … 100 times?" Elena smiled innocently.

"See! You know every single line of that movie!"

"That's not true!"

I only raised my eyebrow.

"Okay, okay, maybe. But after these days I really need a good old romantic kitschy movie with a happy ending. And not one where a hundred people are slaughtered in mysterious ways and in the end I can't sleep at night anymore!"

"Okay, okay. Convinced. Let's watch your kitschy crap", I replied laughing, grabbed the DVD out of her hands and went to the TV.

"It's not crap!" She screamed outraged.

"Be careful, lady, or I will accidently put Saw in the DVD recorder. And now sit down", I ordered smiling.

"Oh wait, what about some chips or popcorn?"

"You really have to rethink your eating manners or you will end up as a fat cow and then Stefan will definitely choose Katherine." I didn't turn around when I said this but before I had finished my sentence I felt a pillow hit my head.

"Now you ruined my hair style! I really have to teach you some manners, lady!" I said, turned around and before I could only think about throwing the pillow back at her, I got another one straight into my face.

Elena hid her face behind the last pillow left on the couch but I could hear her giggles through the fabric.

"Okay that means war!"

Before I could even rush to her, she had already gotten up and hid behind the couch, the pillow still in her hand.

"You have one last chance, you surrender yourself or my revenge will be tremendous", I threatened in my best terrifying vampire voice while I slowly walked up to her, my hands in the pockets of my jeans.

"Hmm let see … nope!" She replied, throwing the last pillow towards me.

But this time I was prepared and my quick vampire reflexes did pay out. With one fast move I rushed to her, caught her, lifted her up and threw her on the couch. Before she even could get up I had grabbed one of the many pillows she had thrown at me, bended over her and smashed the pillow over and over again onto her. First she tried to push me away but when she didn't succeed she decided to protect at least her head with her arms.

"Damon, please, stop it!" She screamed laughing.

"I told you my revenge would be tremendous! Now you have to endure it!"

"Please, I … can't … breathe … anymore", she gasped. "I do everything you want!"

"Really? Everything?" I paused smashing the pillow down on her and a mean grin appeared on my face.

"Then we go for Saw instead of The Notebook!"

"Okay … agreed, just … please put the … pillow … away", she replied, still gasping. "You did a pretty good job as a pillow last night, so it might be possible that I will nevertheless get some sleep the next ones. You will just have to play your role again", she laughed.

"No problem at all", I grinned. "You get your breath back and I will get something unhealthy to eat for my little cow, okay?"

I didn't get an answer but her pouting expression said everything. Laughing I turned around and went to the kitchen.

* * *

I didn't have a lot of time to search through the cupboards. Even if it was just a gasp, it was so horrifying and full of fear, that I heard it as if she would be standing directly beside me.

I rushed back to her, staring into her frightened face.

"Damon …", she whispered, her voice trembling.

"Hello Mr. Salvatore. A pleasure to meet you – again", a familiar voice said behind my back. A voice, so calm and full of grace … and yet … so dangerous.

I turned around.

* * *

**A/N:** 1. Sorry for the cliff :D 2. What do you think about sweet innocent Delena? ;) If you aren't a fan of it, don't worry. Sweet innocent normally doesn't last long with me ;) Keep the reviews coming! Love you, my readers 3


	61. Compelled (Elena)

**Compelled (Elena)**

There was only silence in the Salvatore Mansion, the tension palpable. Nobody said a word. Damon and I stood in the living room and stared to the entrance door, both of us incapable to speak, to think, to act. And just like the last time only the sight of him standing there in the door – dressed in an expensive looking, neat suit, aristocratic elegant posture, a slight grin on his face, his eyes piercing through us – let shivers ran down my spine. I knew these eyes. I knew the coldness, the evilness behind them. I knew the grin, the menace emitting from it … and I knew what these hands, now crossed in front of his chest, were capable off.

"No, this is impossible …", I whispered.

"Actually Miss Gilbert this is very well possible", and the grin on his face grew even more evil, the mocking visible in his eyes.

"I killed you, I drove the wooden stake directly through your heart. I saw the blood disappearing out of your body. I saw the signs of a dead vampire's body …", Damon said, the shock audible in his voice.

"Yes, you did. And you did kill me – temporarily. You didn't do your research very well, Mr. Salvatore. We are not normal vampires. You can't kill us with a stupid wooden stake. Not forever. Nevertheless it hurts to get a stake smashed into your ribcage. The feeling is not very nice. And you ruined my favorite suit, not to mention. So I decided that I come by, see how the doppelganger is doing. And before I take her with me, I will see how I can get my revenge."

I stared at him in horror.

"You won't touch her", Damon hissed and placed himself in front of me, shielding me with his body.

"The temperamental anti-hero coming to rescue his girl. I don't know why but the Petrova bloodline seems to have a … certain effect on vampires", he mocked though this time it didn't reach his eyes.

Strangely, for a moment, I could make out a shadow of sadness flashing over his face. But the very next moment his look grew cold again and I couldn't even tell if I had imagined it or if it really had happened.

"Then let's see how far you would go to protect her, show me how strong you are, Mr. Salvatore."

And with these words he rushed over to Damon and me.

My eyes couldn't follow what happened in the next seconds. I felt the rush of him approaching us and in the same moment I felt how I was pushed backwards, landing on the couch behind me. When I looked up again I saw that Elijah had pushed Damon with all his force against the wall to his left. The stone wall had crumbled and showed visible signs where Damon's body had hit it. He had slit to the ground, his face distorted in pain.

"Take me with you, Elijah, do what you want, but don't hurt him. He was just protecting me", I prayed as Elijah approached the couch I was still laying on. Slowly I stumbled to my feet, looking up into his evil yet so calm eyes.

"Oh, I will take you with me, Ms. Gilbert but if I let him live, he will follow us the very second we stepped out of this house. And I am not so eager to get another of my suits ruined. Why make it more complicated than it is?"

His voice was calm as always, matter of factly. His eyes pierced through me, sending shivers down my spine again.

"So you can say goodbye now and then pack your suitcase, it will be a long …", he didn't finish his sentence, instead he stretched out his arm, enclosing his left hand around Damon's throat and lifting him up from the ground. I recoiled. I hadn't even seen that Damon had gotten up from the ground and approached him again. I had been too compelled by his eyes, those dark menacing eyes, pinning me to the ground, leaving me unable to move even one step.

"… journey", he finished the sentence he had started before Damon had interrupted him.

"You are very inconvenient, Mr. Salvatore."

"I … told you … already twice now … that I will never … let you hurt … her, I can repeat it … a third time … if you want to", Damon hissed haltingly.

"Actually I don't want to hurt her, it wouldn't make sense … because I need her. But what I don't need is you", and with a swift movement as if Damon would weight nothing he threw him through the entire living room, straight against another wall which crumbled again under Elijah's enormous force. Damon glided down to the ground but this time remained immovable, his eyes closed, blood starting to run down from his temple over his cheek down onto the floor, leaving dark red tracts on the marble.

_ No!_ All my insides screamed.

"Stop it, Elijah, please!" I screamed in despair, gripping the sleeve of his suit in reflex.

I looked into these eyes, so calm, so reserved and yet … so evil. He raised an eyebrow, his expression cold. There was not the slightest hint of pity in them, no emotion at all. I let go of his sleeve, looking down to the ground.

"It's enough. You made your point. You got your revenge."

And the following sound made my insides clench, let shivers over shivers run down my spine. He started to laugh, a laugh I had never heard before. So full of evilness, of mocking.

"Enough? I haven't even started yet, my dear", and with that he slowly walked over to Damon, reached into one of his sleeves and produced a wooden stake out of it. One of Alaric's stakes. The ones we used to bring him down in that old villa …

"So what are we going to do with this now, Mr. Salvatore?" He asked, turning the stake in his hands as he stood in front of Damon. "You can't even compare this one to the one you very politely smashed into my heart … so I think I will need some more. But as I see you have enough wooden furniture around here … they will do, I think. And well, it will not matter to you anymore because you will be dead …", he went on mocking, nevertheless in his usual reserved matter-of-fact tone.

Damon was still laying immovable on the ground, his eyes shut but I could see that his ribcage was still lifting and lowering. I watched the scene with horror, not knowing what to do. Should I intervene? But what could I do? What would HE do if I would stop him? This man was so unpredictable … I could never stop him alone … and if I would try … he might even hurt Damon more.

Lost in my thoughts, I recoiled, surprised by the following events – just as Elijah.

With one swift movement of his foot, Damon swept Elijah off his feet. Before he could even hit the ground, Damon had gotten up, grabbed his expensive suit and thrown him right into the fireplace. A dark cloud of dust emanated, starting to fill the living room. Damon rushed over to the table in the middle of the living room, turned it around and broke of one of the tables legs. With a razor sharp stake in his hand he disappeared towards the fireplace.

The dust had filled the entire living room by now and left me blind, unable to see a thing. All I could hear was the scream when a sharp stake pierced through an expensive suit and the skin of the Original. When the dust started to dissolve I saw how Damon grabbed Elijah again and this time threw him straight through the glass doors onto the terrace, following him immediately.

I could just remain where I stood, immovable, watching how Elijah got up from the ground again, ripping the stake out of his chest and started to attack Damon. But this time Damon was prepared. Like two wild cats they moved around, towards each other, faster and faster, so I was unable to make out in the end who had the upper hand. I just stood there and prayed, prayed that Damon was strong enough, that Elijah wouldn't kill him. Because that was all that I could do.

_I am nothing_, I thought. All I could do was watching him fight this evil creature and hoping that he would survive. I had no strength, no agility, I was not fast. I was a helpless human. Who needed to be protected, all the time. If it wasn't for me, Damon wouldn't even fight for his life right now. I was the problem. Because I was the doppelganger, I was what Elijah wanted, what everyone wanted, my blood, my human blood. I was good for nothing, just for my blood. And with my blood I endangered all of my friends.

My thoughts were abruptly interrupted when I felt a cold breeze passing by and heard the familiar cracking sound behind me – the cracking of another wall because of the weight of a body who had been thrown across the room with unbelievable force. I didn't dare to turn around, I didn't want to know who was laying there behind me, I just closed my eyes and hold my breath. When I heard the sound of glass pieces cracking under the weight of shoes, I immediately lifted my eyes to the broken glass doors and inhaled sharply.

"No", was all I could breathe.

His suit was ruined, full of dust and blood from the stake Damon had smashed into his ribcage and their fight outside the mansion but the menace in his eyes had remained. Elijah was slowly walking towards me, his hands buried in the pockets of his trousers, never losing his elegance and aristocracy.

"You have a pretty strong bodyguard, my dear. Strong but unbelievable foolish to attack me a second time", he hissed. "He proved me right that it is better to end his life."

With that he walked passed me, towards Damon who was laying behind me. I closed my eyes in horror, trying to gain control over my breathing which had started to fasten at his words.

"I see you like stakes, Mr. Salvatore and I must admit I am a huge fan of them, too. Staking somebody is such an elegant way to end somebody's life. Way better than this primitive fighting. You always end up making your hands dirty. But with stakes…", he murmured and I could hear the threat, the menace in his voice. And something else. Fun, joy. He enjoyed this.

I was still not turning around but I heard how Elijah lifted Damon up from the ground again and a second later he was laying beside me. Even though I was afraid to look at him, the condition he was in – just because of ME – I couldn't look away any longer. I gasped and a horrified expression flashed over my face. It was as if I would have been thrown backward in time, to the masquerade ball, when Damon and Katherine had fought and she had nearly killed him … just this time it seemed even worse. His shirt and his jeans were torn, blood was dripping from several wounds all over his body and he was covered with scratches.

I fell to my knees and turned Damon on his back. He made an aching painful sound and I sighed in relief – he was still alive!

"Damon", I whispered and slowly he opened his eyes.

I tried to suppress the tears, tried to smile at him, reassure him that everything was going to be fine but I failed completely. My forced smile didn't reach my eyes and it turned into a sob and a tear started to run down my cheeks.

"I'm fine, don't worry", he whispered, a forced smile on his face.

"Okay, enough of the sweet dramatic nonsense. I told you I am not done with you yet, Salvatore", Elijah said menacingly.

I didn't lift my eyes, I kept them fixed to the ground, not being able to bear his mocking grin, his evil eyes. I knew this man could be Damon's death. Right now, right here. And I couldn't let that happen.

_But what can I do?_ I thought, desperate. _I wouldn't even be able to blink and Damon would be dead._

I lifted my eyes from the ground and looked at Damon. He had closed his eyes again, his breathing labored and the blood was still dripping from his temple. And again I was facing the fact that I was only a human, nothing to offer to protect the man who was laying beside me on the ground, hurt, bleeding, aching in pain, because he had tried everything to protect me.

I stared at the dark red blood covering Damon's beautiful face and that's when I got the idea. I was not useless. He wanted my blood. My human blood. He couldn't hurt me but I … I could hurt myself. If he would let me die, he would lose the blood of the Petrova doppelganger … and this blood was more precious to him than any revenge. I just had to bargain … My fearful expression turned into one of anger, self confidence, determination – to protect him from this monster.

I got up from the ground, placing myself between Damon and Elijah, lifting my eyes to look up into the eyes of the Original standing in front of me. A glimpse of surprise rushed over Elijah's face as he saw my expression but it was gone as soon as the sadness I had seen before.

"So what? Are you going to fight me now, little human girl?" He asked mocking, pronouncing the word "human".

"At least I will not give up that easily."

"Oh, so brave now, Ms. Gilbert. You humans really have this special passion in you. But do you really think I would let come any harm to you?"

"You will have to harm me if you want to kill him", I replied coldly.

"Really?" And the grin on his face grew even more mocking. "Do you know how easy it is for me to get you out of the way?" And with a swift movement he pushed me back onto the couch. "See? And if I want to I could rip out the heart of your vampire in a second now. But that would be boring of course", he replied calmly.

I stared at him, my expression giving nothing away. Slowly I got off the couch and approached the table which was still turned up site down, the sharp end of the leg where Damon had broken of a piece of wood for his stake pointing to the ceiling. My goal. With a fast move I broke of another piece and held it to my throat, the razor sharp end pointing towards my carotid artery.

"You can't harm me but that doesn't mean I can't harm myself", I hissed. Now I was the one with the menacing smile on my lips.

"You wouldn't be so stupid, little girl", Elijah replied, still calm.

"I would not? You do one step towards him and you will have a lot of blood spilled on this floor", I threatened.

I could see how Elijah narrowed his eyes, his expression turning from mocking into anger. I really caught him off guard with this move. Maybe this time, I could rescue both of us, Damon and me.

Elijah still gazed at me, his eyes scanning my face and suddenly the anger turned into an evil grin again. Slowly he walked towards me, hands back in the pockets of his trousers. I eyed him suspiciously, the sharp razor piece of wood still close to my throat.

"Do you remember the last time you bargained with me, Ms. Gilbert?" He asked when he stood directly in front of me.

His eyes pierced into mine and the scene from the villa came back to my mind. He looked at me the same way, threatening, dangerous and the same smile on his face. And his hand had gripped my … necklace. With one fast move my hand closed around the vervain necklace.

"I see, you remember. Yet, it is useless. This necklace is useless", he said and while the words reached my mind, I already felt the difference in his look_. No!_ I screamed. But no words left my mouth, it was a silent cry.

"I want you to take down that weapon right now. Drop it to the floor. I don't want to risk that you hurt yourself, my dear", he said, his voice nearly a whisper, a threatening whisper. And although I tried to fight the compulsion, tried to force my hand to cling to the piece of wood in my hand, my fingers opened and I heard how it hit the floor.

"Good girl. And now I want you to stay here. Don't move, not even a step, remain silent and I want you to focus on your beloved vampire, don't dare to look away", he told me and turned to the table. With some swift movements, too fast for my eyes to follow, he broke the entire table into pieces, into wooden pieces, into … stakes.

_No! No! No! Not again!_ I screamed inside.

Slowly he walked back to Damon.

"So Mr. Salvatore, now that your brave little girl can't interfere with my plans anymore, let's see what we are going to do with you."

He hauled Damon off the ground and to his feet, his left hand wrapped around his throat. His eyes were still shut; nevertheless I could see the slight movement of his ribcage. Elijah pushed him back against the wall and before Damon could drop to his knees, he smashed two of the stakes he had hold in his right hand through Damon's arms, pinning him to the wall.

The scream that filled the room of the Salvatore mansion was unbearable. It went straight to my heart and left me aching, breathing hard. I wanted to run to him, get these damn stakes out of his body and stop Elijah. I wanted to scream at him, beg him to stop … but I couldn't. All I could do was watch, immovable, silent.

"It hurts doesn't it? Really inconvenient pain. And it might not have been that worse if you wouldn't have tried to attack me a second time, Mr. Salvatore. So it's your own fault", he said swinging another stake in his hand.

"And where do we insert this one right now?" He scanned Damon's body, thinking about the best place to torture him more, inflicting even more pain.

When he lifted the stake, I wanted to look away. I had to watch this happen already once, not able to do anything, being helpless. I couldn't endure this a second time, he shouldn't endure this a second time … and the question is would he endure it a second time?

Tears started to fill my eyes as I had to watch the pain and suffering flash across his face as Elijah smashed the next stake into his stomach. Nevertheless Damon nearly remained silent. Not a word, not a cry. Horror started to enfold in my entire body, clenching around my heart. He was too weak to even scream. He was about to give up. The thought hit me like a freight train and I wanted to scream.

Even though I could only see Elijah's back, I could sense the grin on his face. The menacing evil grin. He let the stakes drop to the floor, a last one remaining in his hand. He was ready for a last shot. The last shot. He lifted his hand with the stake in it to the ceiling and all my instincts wanted to fight against the compulsion. Useless.

Then suddenly, he let his arm drop again and turned around to face me.

"Come to me", he ordered calmly. Slowly, automatically, I started to set one foot in front of the other until I had reached the two, my eyes still fixated on Damon … and the blood dripping from the wounds all over his body.

"Take this", he went on and held the stake he was still holding out to me.

A horrified expression crossed my face as my hand submissively reached out for the stake and closed around the cold dark wood.

"And now I want you to finish him", he whispered. "Stake him. Through his heart."

And I screamed.

A silent scream, yet ripping me apart.

Memories of the masquerade ball flashed across my mind, it had been the same. Katherine kneeling over Damon, a stake in her hand, ready to end his life. It was the same situation. A girl with brown hair falling down her shoulders, deep brown eyes … a girl who had hurt him so many times before … ready to hurt him one last time … just the name was different. And she was weaker. She was human.

I approached the wall Damon was pinned to, the stake in my right hand. I hoped that he would be unconscious. That he wouldn't feel anything, that he wouldn't see who was smashing the stake into his heart … but when I stood in front of him he slowly lifted his head and looked me in the eyes. My hands started to tremble, yet they wouldn't let go of the stake. The tears that had already started to build up in my eyes, ran down my cheeks now when I looked in this familiar face, these familiar blue eyes.

"It's okay", he whispered.

I shook my head, tears still dripping down my face to the marble floor. It couldn't be possible that I would stare into this eyes for a very last time now … and that I would be the one responsible that they would close forever.

_No, no, I can't let this happen. I can't. He can't die. Not now. Not yet. _

There were so many things I still needed to tell him … he needed to hear … things buried deep down in my heart … rushing to the surface right now, in this moment, this last moment between the two of us.

A flood of memories appeared in front of my eyes … the graveyard and a crow … our first meeting … the Salvatore mansion … our second meeting … the times we fought, the times we laughed, the times he saved me, the times he was there for me, held me … and something more was appearing in front of my eyes … a scene … blurry … I couldn't make out what it was … all I could make out was a feeling in my heart responding to this scene in front of my eyes … And looking into these deep blue eyes in front of me, I knew the scene had to do with him, with Damon. I couldn't place it, not the scene nor the feeling in my heart. It was weird, confusing … as if something would suppress it, preventing it from reaching the surface …

"Do it", Elijah's voice interrupted my thoughts and my hand lifted submissively, pointing towards his heart.

I looked one last time at Damon who smiled at me. He wanted to make me feel better. A forced smile appeared on my face, ruined by the tears streaming down my face and interrupted by my sobs. He closed his eyes.

"Now!"

And while my hand was about to move down, I gathered all my strength, fighting against the compulsion, against my own body. I closed my eyes. My fingers were clenching so hard around the wood that it hurt. I knew I couldn't keep this up forever, I knew my inner strength wasn't as strong as the compulsion of the Original vampire standing behind me. And I felt it … I felt how my inner strength slowly started to give up and my body surrendered to the compulsion, obeying.

Yet there was something, a part of me that didn't want to give in … a part no vampire can ever compel … my heart … and the feeling came flooding back, the feeling I couldn't get a grip on, the feeling I couldn't explain …

"Nooooooooooo!" I heard my own voice screaming, ringing in my ears.

And in the very same moment my fingers loosened the grip around the stake and it dropped to the floor. My eyes flew open, staring at the man in front of me who stared back at me, his eyes wide. I let my arm which I had still been holding up drop down and fell to my knees. I couldn't keep myself up any longer, feeling the exasperation flooding through my body.

"This is impossible", I heard a whisper behind me. Elijah. I turned around to face him, my eyes ice cold, even threatening.

"I told you I won't let you hurt him", I hissed, my voice a whisper.

"But … how could you … how could you resist the compulsion?" His voice was still not more than a whisper, the shock very audible in it.

"There is one thing a vampire can never compel …", I repeated my thoughts.

Elijah's eyes widened even more, then I could see how the shock was replaced by something else … understanding.

"You are very strong, stronger than I thought, Elena …"

I gasped, surprised because it was the first time he spoke to me using my first name.

"The chemistry between the two of you … it reminds me of a former time … A time in the past … very long ago … a Petrova and a vampire …", he trailed off and the flash of sadness was visible on his face again.

And this time I knew that I hadn't imagined it. He looked me into the eyes, his expression completely changed. The grin had disappeared from his lips, instead his mouth was a thin line. His eyes were filled with a mixture of sadness and understanding, the evilness and mocking had disappeared completely. I hold his gaze – and in the blink of an eye the place where he had stood before was empty. He had left.

I stared to the sport where he had stood just seconds before, my eyes wide, my mind not able to believe that he had let us go. Us. Damon. I swirled around, stumbling to my feet.

Damon was staring at me, his expression reflecting mine.

"He let us go", I whispered. He smiled but again it was replaced by pain very soon.

I rushed over to him and closed my fingers around the stake in his right arm. With all my force I pulled at the wood and very slowly it gave in. Damon's jaw was tense and I could see that he clenched his teeth. Getting the stakes out was as painful as having them smashed into your body and I didn't have enough strength to pull them out in one swift movement. I gave him an apologetic look though he had shut his eyes again in pain. With one last pull I could remove the first stake and let it drop to the floor. I repeated everything with the stakes in his left arm and in his stomach, barely able to look at Damon's tortured face.

When the last stake dropped to the floor, Damon's knees gave in. I caught him in my arms and we both sank to the ground.


	62. How to save a life (Elena)

**How to save a life (Elena)**

* * *

**Terrible Love - Birdy**__

And I can't fall asleep  
_Without a little help  
It takes awhile  
To settle down  
My shivered bones  
Wait til the panics out_

It takes an ocean not to break  
Company  
It's quite a company

It's a terrible love  
And I'm walking with spiders  
It's a terrible love and I'm walking in

It takes an ocean not to break

* * *

"Damon?" I whispered as I placed his head in my lap but I didn't get a reply. Fear started to build up inside me and although I could still see that his chest was lifting and lowering slightly my heart clenched as the thought that he might not make it crossed my mind.

I looked down on him. His eyes were closed, his face expression relaxed, nearly peaceful – and my heart ached again. He must have fallen unconscious. The blood was still running down from his temple down his face, down his neck, into the remains of his shirt and onto my trousers. But I didn't even recognize how the blood, his blood, slowly started to soak the fabric. With my sleeve I gently stroked over his face, trying to get rid of the blood but it was useless, new blood kept gushing out of his wound at his temple … and it wasn't the only one. I scanned his entire body and I couldn't even count the numerous wounds and scratches covering his skin. When my sleeve was completely soaked with blood, I let my arm drop.

Desperate tears started to build up in my eyes and running down my cheeks.

_I am going to lose him. _

The thought hit me ice cold and send shivers down my spine. He was a vampire. He should heal. Why didn't he heal?

"Why don't you heal? Damn, Damon, why don't you heal?" I shouted desperately while the tears were running down my cheeks, dripping onto his face.

"Blood …", Damon whispered suddenly, his voice barely too low for my ears.

Blood. Of course. I could slab myself for being so stupid. The cellar. I gently placed his head on the marble floor and jumped to my feet.

"Hold on, I will be back in a second."

I stormed out of the living room, down the corridor, wrenched the door to the cellar open and stumbled down the stairs. I ripped the fridge open and froze. There was only a single blood bag left. One damn blood bag which would never be enough to save his life. Where the hell was the rest? And then I remembered … the masquerade ball … and the stakes … the same situation …

"What the hell?" A scream from upstairs interrupting my thoughts.

I stormed upstairs again with the single blood bag in my hand and when I reached the living room I saw Rose kneeling down besides Damon. She turned around when she heard my steps.

"What the hell happened, Elena?" She asked and the horror in her voice was clearly audible.

"Elijah … he …", but I couldn't go on, my voice broke and I felt new tears rising in my eyes.

Damn, I didn't want to cry in front of her. Rose immediately got up from the ground, rushed towards me and took me in her arms. I gasped in surprise.

"It's okay. He will be fine."

"No, Rose, he will not be fine. You haven't seen what Elijah did to him! And he doesn't want to heal!" I screamed, freeing myself from her embrace.

"How long are his wounds bleeding already?" She asked, looking down on Damon, her expression suddenly worried.

"I don't know … but too long and this is all we have left!" I answered and held the single blood bag up.

"There is nothing more?"She asked astonished.

"Nothing."

"Give it to me", she advised and I handed the bloodbag over to her.

She walked back to Damon, kneeled down again and ripped the bag open, holding it to his mouth.

"Drink Damon", she whispered.

First the blood was simply running over his shut mouth, down the sides and mixed with his blood on the floor. I gasped, horrified … that it might be already too late.

"Rose …", I whispered and could barely suppress a sob.

She looked up at me, her expression mirroring mine. But in the very same moment we heard a painful groan and Damon opened his mouth, letting the blood drip into his throat. Although it frightened me that he wasn't even able to suck the blood out of the bloodbag, I felt a wave of relieve rush through my body.

But the feeling disappeared as fast as it had come. Way too soon there was not a single drip of blood left in the bag … and Damon's wounds were still bleeding.

"He needs more blood … way more blood, Elena."

"I know, Rose. I am not blind!" I snapped. "I'm sorry", I added apologetically in the very same moment. "I am just … I don't know what to do … I feel so helpless …" I started walking up and down the living room, my eyes never leaving Damon. "The hospital … the hospital is our only solution", I said after a moment.

"And what? Do you want to rob them off all the blood they have?" Rose intervened.

"They always get the blood from the hospital … until now they didn't recognize …"

"I think you don't understand, Elena. We are not speaking about two or three blood bags. His injuries are serious, very serious. And if we don't get a high amount of blood very soon …"

She didn't finish the sentence, she didn't have to. I know what she wanted to say … and I didn't want to hear it.

"The problem is that cooled packed hospital blood doesn't have the same effect as …" Rose went on but didn't finish the sentence again.

"As what?"

"As fresh blood …"

"So you say that he would heal way faster if he would drink human blood … directly from an artery?" I looked down at Damon again … an idea building up in my mind. I lifted my right hand to touch my throat, feeling my carotid artery pulsating under my fingers.

Rose only nodded.

"But I don't know a human who would be as crazy as to sacrifice her life for a vampire …"

"Sacrifice her life?" I asked astonished, lifting my eyes from Damon.

"I told you, he needs a lot of blood … even if it is fresh. He might not need to kill her but … even if he doesn't need to drink all her blood … he will seriously injure her. He will have no control at all because his thirst will be too strong …", Rose went on explaining.

Hurting her … the words repeated over and over again in my mind. An image appeared in front of my eyes. A dark lonely road. Me. Damon. And bared fangs in anger, fury. Wild, red eyes. I shivered.

And yet … I knew … he would never hurt me. Never. He protected my life so many times with his own. He … he couldn't hurt me … because … he … he loved me too much. I never said it out loud. I never even thought about it. But putting all the single pieces together … all the indications … these small moments … and the big meaningful ones … moments came to my mind of when he had smiled at me, looked me in the eyes … moments he had held me in his arms, moments we had danced, moments we had talked … moments he had saved my life … it was so obvious.

I looked down to the vampire, to the man laying on the ground in front of me and I made a decision. I could trust him. I could trust him with my life.

"Help me get him upstairs into his bedroom, Rose. And then go to the hospital and get some bloodbags. Just a few, so they won't recognize … just in case."

"What are you up to, Elena?" She asked suspiciously, her green eyes piercing through me.

" Nothing … just …"I started but this time it was me who didn't finish the sentence.

She was still staring me in the eyes but her look slowly got softer, with an edge of understanding but also disbelief. She understood.

"You know what you are doing?"

"Yes." I replied, my voice as convinced as never before.

She gave me one last look, a slight smile rushing over her lips, then she turned towards Damon again.

Together we lifted him off of the ground. Each of us laying one arm of his around our shoulders. He groaned but the blood bag had given him at least so much strength that he was able to hold himself up on his own legs. The three of us stumbled up the stairs and Rose showed me the direction to Damon's bedroom.

When she opened the door, I found myself back in a huge light room. Through the curtains that were covering the floor-length windows the light of the slowly setting sun was falling in onto the wooden floor. Beside the windows stood a king size old modern wooden bed and I had to smile slightly.

_You couldn't find a huger bed, Damon. _

The rest of the room was sparsely covered by some boards, lamps and a chair and I could make out the door to the bathroom. It stood half-open and I got a glimpse of an exclusive glass shower and a marble bathtub.

Together Rose and I let Damon drop onto his bed and for a moment I thought that we just ruined the expensive looking silk sheets completely.

"Are you really sure you want to do this?"

"Is there any other way if we want to save his life?"

"He really means a lot to you", Rose said, a slight smile on her face.

It wasn't a question. It was a statement.

I nodded slightly, returning the smile.

"I could stay … I could stop him if …"

"No … no, it's … it's fine … I …" but I couldn't even put into words why I didn't want Rose to stay. It was just … I would feel … uncomfortable.

"It's okay. I understand. If you need my help, call me."

"I will. Thank you, Rose."

And with a last encouraging smile she left the room and me alone with Damon.

When I walked towards the bed, my heart started to beat faster … and I started to doubt my decision. Was it really the right decision? What when …? But as soon as I reached the bed, climbed onto it and looked down onto the man who was laying there … in pain, dying, because of me, all my doubts were washed away.

Damon's eyes were still closed but his chest was at least heaving more steadily and visible by now. Yet, I doubt he would have the strength to … cut my artery himself. I turned around, scanning the room for something sharp. On a table in the corner I could make out an antique letter opener. That should do.

I swallowed when I sat back on the bed, the sharp end of the opener pointing towards the artery, bluely visible through the skin of my palm. I took a deep breath then I slowly ran the sharp end over my skin, piercing through it and leaving immediately a red blood line. It hurt, it hurt like hell but it was nothing compared to the pain I had to feel while I had to watch Elijah torture Damon earlier, nothing compared to the moment when I had looked into Damon's eyes with the stake in my hand and he had smiled at me, telling me it would be okay.

Hastily I leaned over Damon and let the blood drip from my palm onto his mouth. As soon as the first drips of blood had hit his mouth, his eyes flew open. As he saw me leaning over him he pushed my hand with his last strength away.

"What … are you … doing?" He whispered, his voice barely audible, yet I could make out … anger … yes, anger.

"I am trying to save your life!" I shouted, half shocked, half angry because of the tone of his voice.

"No … not like this. I'd rather … die."

I didn't know what to reply. I just stared down into these blue eyes, streaked by pain and anger … and … bloodlust. He wanted my blood, he needed my blood so why …

"Why?" Was all I could say, whisper.

"You … don't … understand", his voice got weaker, the anger was nearly gone. He was too weak to be angry. Too weak to speak … to fight.

"I won't fight with you about it, Damon", I said, my voice full of conviction as I pulled my hair to one side, revealing my bare throat. "Not now." I stared into his eyes, brown into blue, not giving in.

But he did. He couldn't reveal the bloodlust, he couldn't prevent himself from staring to my throat, to the blood pulsating in my veins, visible through my skin. I saw how his jaw tensed. He clenched his teeth. His chest was heaving faster, his breathing accelerated. I could see how the dark veins started to appear under his eyes and how his eye color changed from the deep blue I was so used to, to a threatening blood red. Although his mouth was shut, his teeth still clenched, I could hear the click of his fangs carting out.

Rose words came back to my mind.

_"He will have no control at all because his thirst will be too strong …" _

Shivers ran down my spine and I swallowed. In the same moment Damon abruptly turned his head away from me, his eyes closed, his jaw even more tense than it had been before. I frowned in surprise, not able to understand this reaction.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"I can't do this", he brought out between his still clenched teeth.

I frowned even more. His voice was a mixture … a mixture of pure exhaustion because of the amount of self control he had to bring up and … anger. Again.

"Damon, what's wrong?" I asked, completely astonished and clueless.

"I will not be able to stand this … again", he brought out, his voice still the same.

"Not able to stand what again?" I was getting desperate. "Damon, talk to me!" I screamed when he remained silent.

"Your look", he said.

And again the anger had disappeared out of his voice and been replaced by resignation and … sadness.

"My look? Why my look? Damon, I have no idea what you are talking about!"

"I am talking about that night … on this road …", he started but didn't finish the sentence.

And he didn't have to. And it wasn't only the memories of his face, his blood red eyes, the dark veins and the bared fangs from that night that came back to me right now. It was my face expression, my reaction that came back to me so intensely right now as if I would stand on that road again. And his reaction to mine.

I had hurt him. I had hurt him deeply. In this moment I had shown him unbelievable fear, the fear you have when you stand in front of a monster, with nothing human left anymore. An animal. I had shown him that from one moment to another he had become a totally different person, a person I couldn't stand. A person I couldn't trust. And especially not … love. I had shown him that I couldn't stand this side of him.

But he got it all wrong, so wrong. I just … I was too busy with my own stupid problems to realize it in that moment, realize how much I had hurt him. And to show him that even if I had been afraid, I would never reject him for what he was. That I liked him, completely, all his sides. His good sides … and his dark ones. That it didn't matter to me.

And in this moment, on his bed, staring down on him, his face still turned away from me, I realized something else. That although he pretended to be strong, pretended to have everything under control … that although he always pretended to feel nothing, to not care, to not be shaken by such moments … he was. He was shaken, he did feel.

He tried to shut out everyone with the help of the massive stone wall he has raised inside him … to shield that breakable fragile part of him from everyone. And he was successful for a long while, he still was. Stefan, Caroline nor anyone else did see behind this wall. For that he had constructed it too well. He blinded them with arrogance and sarcasm, with a ruthless behavior. But all of this was actually fake. He was not this person. Not at all. It was just a façade build up over decades to protect him. From being hurt.

And yet he laid here and he showed me so obviously that he was hurt. Because I, I had broken through that wall. Not completely, no, not at all. But I had managed to make the wall crumble whenever he had to face me. And he knew that. He knew he couldn't lie to me anymore. That I used to believe the real Damon would be this façade of arrogance and sarcasm. But not anymore.

I didn't know how it had happened or when it had happened but it had. And now he couldn't turn around anymore. And neither could I. Because when I had given up believing he was the person he wanted us to believe he was, when I had seen past this wall and had gotten glimpses of the real Damon, more and more glimpses with time … with every talk, every dance, every moment we had spend together … I'd had to give up hating him.

And the hate had been replaced by something else … something … different. A feeling I couldn't yet describe, not get a hold onto. But I felt it whenever I was close to him. I felt it right now, in this moment looking down on him. And I knew I could trust him. I knew I could stand this side of him. I knew I could even love it. And I had to fix what I hadn't fix the last time. I had to show him.

"Damon, please … look at me", I said, my voice soft, but he still remained immobile. "Don't turn your face away", I added in a whisper.

I could see his inner fight; I could see it through his tense jaw, his clenched teeth, his clenched fists and his accelerated breathing. I didn't know which part would win, the part which shut out everyone, even me from now and then, or the fragile one who let me inside.

Suddenly, very slowly he turned his head around again and opened his eyes. Brown looking into red. I couldn't help it but the memory of the dark lonely road came back to my mind again. Like two pictures, I compared the two faces. It was the same face, the same man and yet the look was so different. The last time it had been filled with anger, his eyes had been blazing and this time … this time these eyes looked so sad and desperate at me that it broke my heart. Even if I would have wanted to, I could never have been afraid of him in this moment.

I gently lifted my hand and with my fingertips I touched the dark violet veins under his eyes, striking over them. He closed his eyes while the shades turned even darker and shivers ran through his body. I slowly wandered down his cheek to the corner of his mouth, feeling the tension of his jaw slowly being released. Gently I ran my fingertips over his lips, parting them. Under my fingers I could feel the razor sharp end of his fangs.

"I am not afraid of you, Damon", I whispered and I could see the tremble running through his entire body at my words.

Slowly he got into an upright position, leaning onto his elbows with his last strength; our faces only inches away now. He had opened his eyes again and they were staring into mine. His expression was still serious but the sadness had nearly diminished completely. Instead it had been replaces by a streak of astonishment … and relief.

Again I lifted my hand to let it run down his cheek, caressing it softly. This time he didn't close his eyes, he kept looking into mine. And I could see another expression reflecting in them. An expression I had seen earlier before. Hunger. Bloodlust. And it didn't frighten me at all. Because it was streaked with another emotion, a stronger one … love.

I slowly bowed my head to one side, my eyes never leaving his. His eyes got even darker, dark blood red. And yet, he didn't lower his head to my throat. He didn't say a word but the look in his eyes changed again. They asked me for permission once more. Very slowly, nearly invisible, I nodded. With one hand he gently gripped my neck, pulling me closer to him. Not forcefully. I could have freed myself any minute. He gave me the option to push him away and stop whenever it was getting too much for me. Then he lifted his head to my throat.

I started to tremble, not from fear but from … excitement. I didn't do this just to save him, no, I wanted it.

I was awaiting the sting of his fangs, the feeling of my blood being drawn out. I had felt it a lot of times before. Stefan had drunken my blood several times before but … no vampire ever drank my blood directly from my throat. The most intimate part of a human body a vampire can drink blood from …

When his fangs pierced through the high sensitive skin of my throat, I gasped. It was something I had never felt before. Never. All the time I had felt Stefan's fangs pierce through my skin, I had recoiled. It had hurt, like a needle piercing through your skin. With Damon … it was completely different. It didn't hurt at all … although I had touched his razor sharp fangs on my own a few minutes ago. Yet, he was so gentle, so concerned about not hurting me that my mind didn't associate the sting with pain … no, not at all with pain … instead I felt … pleasure.

I could feel that he had to hold onto himself, that it was hard for him to keep his control because his hands were tightening around my neck. Nevertheless, he didn't take my blood forcefully. Instead, I felt how it was softly drawn out, slowly, carefully. And the feeling was overwhelming. I felt how my knees were about to give in.

In one fast gracious move Damon got up, kneeling with one leg on his bed, standing beside it on the other. He had hauled me up with him, his strong arms catching me. Our faces were only inches away now. His dark red eyes looked straight into mine, piercing me with in intensity that made my entire body tremble. The love that emanated from these eyes was nearly palpable ... as well as my trust. I trusted this man like I trusted nobody else. And I ... loved him in a way, I loved nobody else. It was not the same love I felt for Stefan. It wasn't the simple love between a man and a woman, it was ... more than that. It was indescribable.

I felt how he gently placed one arm around my body, placing his hand on my upper back but my eyes never left his. With the other hand he stroke a stray of my hair to the side, then he clasped the back of my head with it, holding my head to the side again. I felt his hand on my back and my head with an unbelievable intensity. It gave me the feeling to be completely save. Protected. Like always. Even though this time I was in a situation that couldn't be more dangerous. As well as I felt Damon's hands I was hearing my own blood rushing in my ears and my heart beat which was fastening and fastening.

When he lowered his head to my throat once more, I let myself drop into his embrace, giving in. And in the moment I did, when I let go of everything, surrendering myself to him completely and his fangs pierced softly through my skin again, I felt as if two different forces were clashing. My soul and his. It felt as if they would mingle, melt into one.

And I didn't only feel. I saw. Pictures were flashing in front of my eyes. They were fast, blurry so that I could barely get a grip on them but what I saw let me hold my breath.

First of all I saw nothing but deep darkness ... and with that I felt loneliness … and despair. It took my breath away. But it was soon replaced … by light … the pictures became clearer, I saw shapes and figures, not only colors.

I saw … a graveyard, tombstones … fog … the scene was so familiar to me, I knew this moment. I was there myself. I saw the fog … but these pictures, they were not from my point of view, they were from Damon's. I saw them through the eyes of a black crow … and these eyes were looking down onto a girl … onto me.

The next pictures were rushing faster … I could make out moments we had shared, moments where we had laughed and joked and argued and fought. I remembered all these moments … they were my moments, too.

But then there were different moments, moments where he was alone … and I felt the loneliness again. I even felt … the darkness. The moments were extremely blurry, only here and there I could get a grip on them. They were well hidden … deep down inside.

I saw him lying on the floor, remains of flames mingling around him … I saw him leaning against a wall and in the next moment slamming his fist into it … I saw tears dripping down onto the ground … I saw a ferries wheel and I heard laughter ringing in my ears … but I didn't associate it with happiness … I associated it with a deep pain … I saw him standing on a balcony staring into pure blackness … and I saw a mirror … shattered … the remains laying on the floor … streaked with blood …

And then … suddenly it all slowed down … and there was a scene in front of my eyes … first blurry but it got clearer and clearer the more I recognized it. I was … sitting on a window board … my room … it was my room … I recognized my bed, my mirror, my bookshelf … yet something was weird about this scene … I was sitting there … holding something in my hand … turning it around and around … I felt that I had made a decision … not an easy one … and that while sitting there I already knew that I would regret it … yet nothing could change my plan. Then I heard steps … and my heart got heavy. I felt an unbelievable strong pain. I felt that all my insides wanted to leave … to not go further … to turn around and over think my decision … but there was no going back … no turning around. I had to do this. I looked up … and I gasped. I looked into brown astonished eyes. I looked into my eyes.

And in this moment I remembered that these weren't my memories … it were Damon's. I was seeing this scene from Damon's point of view … but … but … when I was in this scene … in this memory … why was it not our memory? Why was it only his? Why did I not remember this moment?

Abruptly the scene stopped and I was brutally drawn back into reality. Damon had pulled his head back and I was now looking into his eyes, meeting his gaze directly. Both our breathings were accelerated. His fangs were still bared and his eyes gleaming red but they gave nothing away. The moment I was drawn back into reality so abruptly, he had raised his walls again, shielding every memory, every glimpse inside his soul off.

I must have dug too deeply. I must have gotten a glimpse of a memory he didn't want me to see … a memory I should have on my own … but I didn't …

But before I could ask him, search in his eyes that were as deep as an ocean … an ocean of blood … I felt how I lost grip on the thought … how I lost grip on these eyes … and on reality … and how I drifted into darkness.

The last thing I felt were strong arms closing around me tightly, keeping me save.

* * *

**A/N: **So this is it! These are all the chapters I had left - now I am going to write some new stuff; finally! I am slightly afraid that I might fail and lack of creativity after such a long while but I hope I won't dissapoint you :)

Concerning this chapter ... I am dying to hear as many opinions as possible! I am a very self critic person with a tendency to perfectionism but I must admit that I love this one. It's something I had always wanted to see on screen ... and I hope I managed to live up to the expectations.

Also, I wanted to thank all my review writers; especially the frequent ones and the guests (to mention Ele preciesly because I can't answer you via PM)! You all have no idea what it means to me to read your reviews. I am always having such a big smile on my face :)

And now, be a tiny little bit patient. I know I spoiled you with fast updates and I will definitely not manage to keep up with that pace but I will try my best. I really missed writing a lot ...


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